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Metal Historians Debate Over Who Built Pyramid of Coors Light Cans

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Heavy Metal Archaeologists remain locked in fierce debate over who erected a pyramid of Coors Light cans that was recently excavated from a local basement apartment, scholars close to the story reported.

“I believe that this pyramid was built by a single thrash metal band that called themselves Graves of Hathor over the course of a single night,” said Maurice Salazar, amateur metal historian and lead mechanic at J & D Auto. “Some of my colleagues speculate that it may have been built by an invading Death Metal band from the Baltics that was on tour in the area at the time. But one would expect to find evidence like clove cigarette butts and crude face paint smudges on the walls, and this pyramid couldn’t have been built during the span of one tour stop. They just didn’t have the technology to pull that off at the time of construction.”

While most scientists debate which human band built the pyramid, other fringe researchers think otherworldly forces may have been at work.

“There is no way a single band, not even a prog-metal band with eight members, could have drunk one hundred and eight beers in a single night. I firmly believe that the band was visited by an advanced, beer swilling race of extraterrestrials that helped design and construct this gigantic structure,” said Gretchen Beck, author of the book “Headbangin’ Aliens: How Intergalactic Space Travel Influenced Metal.” “In the Grave of Hathor song ‘Knights of Satan’ they claim that a demonic beast built the tower as a final resting place. Perhaps this Satan, as they call him, is actually an alien force that four drunk metalheads just couldn’t comprehend.”

Metal historian Blanche Morgan is trying her best to bring the arguing factions together and appreciate the miracle for what it is.

“Textbooks like ‘Lords of Chaos’ and ‘Sound of the Beast’ make us think that we know the history of metal, but there is so much up for debate,” said Morgan. “For decades we assumed Dio invented the devil horns hand gesture, but photos recently found in a cave in Finland show it could date back as far as the 1940s. I personally don’t think it’s important who built this pyramid, just that this ninth wonder of the world exists at all; the eighth being King Diamond’s voice, obviously.”

As of press time, the teams of researchers paused further exploration after finding an ashtray filled with half-smoked cigarettes.