DALLAS — Rhythm guitarist and craft beer connoisseur Kirk Tenly reportedly hasn’t seen his own pedalboard since the late 2000s due to his protruding stomach, concerned loved ones report.
“The other day, I couldn’t remember which vintage Big Muff Pi fuzz I was using. That’s when it hit me: I haven’t actually laid eyes on my pedalboard — my pride and joy, my manhood — in a decade,” admitted Tenly, who books his stoner metal band Danksmash’s tours based on nearby beer festivals. “When I’m playing with myself at home, I just kinda reach down past my spare tire tug until things get going right. But I don’t even remember what it all looks like. Maybe it’s time to lay off the fruit saisons.”
Tenly’s wife has noticed a decline in Kirk’s self-esteem and confidence levels.
“I’m going to be honest — it’s not the most impressive pedalboard in the world, so he’s not missing out on much. But I still love Kirk, so sometimes I’ll get down on my knees and tweak his knobs until he’s satisfied,” explained Laurie Tenly, Kirk’s wife. “He’s not a tall guy either, so I have to sometimes push his belly out of the way to get at the goods. He seems committed to wellness this time around, though. I guess it’ll also be nice for him to not be totally shithoused every day.”
Specialized music dietitians have developed nutrition plans to specifically address the needs of stoner metal guitarists.
“I look forward to applying my specially-crafted diet to Kirk to help reduce some stomach girth,” said Dr. Danielle Nameth, nutritionist to Matt Pike and Buzz Osbourne. “You can’t cut out pizza, beer, and weed cold turkey, or else the body will react violently and his new album might suck ass. But guitarists develop a psychosexual fixation on their pedalboard at a young age, so I also stress to my clients: it’s not about the size of your pedalboard, but how you use it.“
Rumors indicate that the Tenlys’ marriage is on the rocks after Laurie caught Kirk DM’ing pictures of his pedalboard to other women.