ALBANY, N.Y. — Local single Tomas Hart was stunned to learn yesterday that Marianne Shaw, a goth woman with whom he’s shared three dates, stood barely over five feet tall when she removed her boots with massive platforms.
“I don’t mind that she’s only 5’3”. I’m closer to Danzig in height than I am to Peter Steele, so I’m not looking for someone who towers over me,” Hart said while examining the gigantic, buckled boot. “It’s just that I feel lied to. Her Tinder profile said she was over 6’, and when we met, she was. I didn’t think to look at her shoes to see if they added 11 fucking inches. I was probably too distracted by the neon gas mask she was wearing when she entered the restaurant.”
Shaw, however, doesn’t feel that she deceived Hart at all.
“I am goth, and therefore my outfit is an extension of who I am. I consider my boots to be as much of a part of me as my naturally black lips,” Shaw said while cinching up her leather bustier. “I also believe the black wings tattooed on my back give me the gift of flight. I need a man who will take me for who I am — all of me, not just the fishnets and choker. I feel like his insecurities are really showing. I didn’t once mention that I knew his canine teeth were capped to look like fangs, but I guess he’s O.K. with that double standard.”
For their part, goth shoemaker SuccuBoots is proud of their work and stands by it.
“Boot technology has grown leaps and bounds since the Bauhaus days,” said SuccuBoots cobbler Elizabeth Ortega. “New laboratory-produced materials make for stronger instructional integrity, allowing boot soles to be measured in feet, not inches. Creative lacing and coloration also creates an optical illusion to hide the true height of the shoe. In 10 years time, you’ll have no idea where the shoe ends and the goth begins.”
Sadly, Shaw broke things off with Hart this morning after falling for a goth man who stands over 7’ tall with his top hat on.
Photo by Ryan Danley.