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Unvaccinated Couple Throw Massive Variant Reveal Party

MINNEAPOLIS — Unvaccinated couple Chris and Hannah Davidson excitedly shared the results of their latest COVID tests at a massive variant reveal party with family and friends.

“I haven’t seen any Pinterest boards for variant reveal parties, so it’s really exciting to be the first to set the tone. These are unprecedented times online, and this is our way of giving back to society in a time that seems so divided,” said co-party planner Hannah Davidson. “At the end of the day, the most important thing is that we can share the big news with our family and friends. We can’t wait to see the looks on their faces! We’re letting people guess the variant before the party, and whoever guesses correctly gets a gift basket. Isn’t that fun?”

The couple prides themselves on their ability to detach from fake news and instead channel energy into keeping their circle close.

“It just didn’t feel right not to have all of our family and friends there for the big news, especially since we’d been unmasked with them from the very beginning. In times like this when we’re being told to stay six feet apart, my wife and I have done our job of staying as close as possible to family and friends,” said co-party planner Chris Davidson. “Honestly, some of our guests are almost tired of us throwing gatherings throughout the year, but if we don’t, then who will? Definitely not any of our neighbors, who stopped letting their kids anywhere near us months ago.”

Some family members don’t share in the same level of excitement as the couple.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m definitely not going to a super spreader event masked, pun intended, as a casual party,” said Hannah’s niece, Paula Daniels. “I didn’t go to the family reunion, fourth of July, or bi-monthly homemade beer garden, but this seems like casual murder. Plus, their snacks are sub par. You’re not going to take me out and only offer bread as your vegetarian option. Ew, no.”

At press time, the unvaccinated couple were on ventilators and deciding whether or not to add those to the party theme.