Purple Otter Pop Finds New Life as Makeshift Ice Pack

Posted on by Dom Choi

SEATTLE — A six-year-old purple otter pop was granted a new life purpose as a DIY ice pack after a record heat wave hitting the Pacific Northwest left owner Ryan Seok without a way to cool himself down, fellow freezer items confirmed.

“These apartments just don’t come with air conditioning,” said Seok, commenting on the tough time he’s having during the current heatwave. “The Pacific Northwest has been heating up every summer with the wildfires and climate change and all, and you would think Greystar would have put that together in their new template-built complex but apparently not. I’m just lucky I had that purple otter pop left. I had completely forgotten about it. None of my roommates were gonna eat it, ever, and I know I sure as hell won’t.”

The otter pop in question was happy to finally find its moment to shine after countless seasons of being overlooked simply for being disgusting.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment to come my entire life, and I’m just glad he finally chose me,” said the self-proclaimed “grape” flavored tube of frozen purple water. “I mean, summer after summer I saw my friends get picked and enjoyed but I was always pushed to the back. I was lucky if I could even catch a glimpse of the light when Ryan would check for easy meals. I felt like one of Andy’s toys in ‘Toy Story 3’ but now, that’s all behind me.”

Other occupants of Seok’s Kenmore freezer were excited to see the pop’s new lease on life.

“That old pop has been here longer than I have,” said a six-ounce package of Jolly Green Giant peas purchased in 2017. “It was downright inconsolable when the orange one with the weirdly bent end got picked two years ago… never have I seen a freezer pop so broken up, so it really deserves this. I can see it becoming a contender for the neck, armpits and inner thighs for anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes, or until however long it takes for it to revert back to the Kool Aid liquid or whatever it’s made of.”

At time of press, Seok was planning to buy a window air conditioning unit as soon as they return to stores so as not to “degrade himself further.”

God Updates LinkedIn Title to “Content Creation Ninja”

Posted on by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

HEAVEN — Local divine and benevolent deity, God, updated His LinkedIn profile yesterday, changing His title to Content Creation Ninja in the first step to rebrand Himself and His organization, according to sources.

“God is a household name,” said Jett Johnson, the career coach God hired for this strategic initiative. “Brilliant dude — He invented like, life as we know it. But He hadn’t updated his LinkedIn for literal millennia. He’s rapidly losing networking opportunities to Satan, who lured in connections with drugs, rock music, and some kind of demonic SEO. If God wants to be number one in the LinkedIn search results, He needs to stand out with an aggressive, modern personal brand, like a ‘content creating ninja,’ or at least a ‘multitasking rockstar.’”

God’s LinkedIn page now states that in His role as supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth, He is also a “Commandment Maverick,” “Chief Smiter,” and “Literal Evangelist.”

“I just want to stay relevant,” said God, who at Johnson’s recommendation, changed His profile picture from a Renaissance painting to a selfie holding a fish of His own creation. “My personal brand was all ‘old white guy with a penchant for flooding the Earth,’ and it was not landing with potential connections. Like yeah, I did ask an employee to sacrifice his son to me, but I’m actually just a rad celestial being you’d want to grab a beer with. This new, hip lingo helps represent what I’m really about. And it’s working out; recruiters’ prayers are already up 36%.”

St. Peter of the Pearly Gates, formerly God’s Senior VP of HR, now titled Top Worthy Soul Guru, embraced the changes.

“My job here is to get the right people on the bus, and by that I mean the divine bus that takes the Redeemed to Heaven. We need to make an afterlife in paradise cool again, and that starts with the Big Man himself. I mean, His corporate mission statement is over 2,000 years old. I think we can all agree He desperately needed a makeover, yeah?”

At press time, Johnson had just recommended that God enlist Jesus to do some parent-child dances on His TikTok.

We’ve Almost Figured Out Which Member of Blink-182 Wrote “Aliens Exist”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

After years of careful research, it appears we are finally getting closer to identifying which member of Blink-182 wrote the song “Aliens Exist.” You know, track 3 from the band’s iconic album, “The One With the Woman Wearing a Sexy Nurse Outfit On the Cover.”

Sure, we still can’t definitively pinpoint which member of Blink-182 was the songwriter, but after 22 years of research, we’ve finally got a lead. Personally, I really hope it was Matt Skiba who wrote it. I’m a huge fan of Alkaline Trio and it makes complete sense if you really, really think about it. Unfortunately, we haven’t found any definitive evidence whatsoever that it was him. But like I said, we still don’t know for sure, so no reason to rule him out entirely.

One thing we do know for sure is that Travis Barker didn’t have a hand in writing that song. There’s just no way a guy with tattoos all over his head gives a shit about outer space. That clearly eliminates him.

Could it be Mark Hoppus? The band’s bass player, co-frontman, and a guy known for wearing Dickies shorts that fall just above the ankle? He’s certainly never said anything publicly about aliens, nor has he made accusations of their existence, but anything’s possible.

And sure, there is some speculation that it could be Tom DeLonge. For one thing, he performs lead vocals on the entire track. That’s a clue right there.

Also, he’s well known for being really into UFOs and shit. In fact, he even quit the band because the other members weren’t totally on board with pivoting to a concept band about Martians and space invaders. But still, I’m going to need a lot more evidence than his public fascination with the subject to say for sure that he wrote the song. Especially because Matt Skiba totally wrote it.

At this point in our research, we still can’t rule out Scott Raynor either as a potential composer. Call it a hunch, but there’s just something about that guy that screams “Star Wars.” Unfortunately, we may never be 100% sure who wrote the song. Your guess is as good as ours: Matt Skiba.

Man Knows Exactly What to Name Band that Will Never Exist

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local barista Jeffrey Stern had a creative breakthrough after thinking of the perfect name for a band that will never exist outside of his mind, according to sources.

“A good band name is a make or break deal. Do you think R.E.M. would have been as big with a different name? Franz Ferdinand? Falco? Especially in a crowded music scene like Chicago, you have to stand out with a name,” Stern said while making an oat milk honey latte for a waiting customer. “My plan is to call the band The Original Lineup. It’s catchy, it’s clever, it’s incredibly funny — those are all key for a band name that sticks in public imagination. As soon as I get a little tighter on bass, the band is going to come together.”

Stern’s girlfriend Tamara Burton is less sure about his commitment to the imaginary project.

“Let me put it this way,” Burton said. “Jeffrey is a great idea guy. He is constantly talking about the plans he’s going to put together, but he has no follow through. This band thing is just another one to put on the ‘never gonna happen’ list with the novel he has a great premise for, the screenplay he just needs to get some notes down on, and the boat he was dead set to name ‘The Carp Dio.’ And that one didn’t even make sense; is it about fish, or about Dio? He can’t even swim.”

Behavioral therapist Dr. Martha Carter said she has seen many cases like Stern’s before.

“The dream of a great band often begins and ends with a name,” Dr. Carter said. “Sadly, the individuals who often have the greatest creativity for a name frequently find they have squandered their entire artistic energy on something like The Apples a Day. Most people simply can’t acknowledge to themselves that a name is as far as they will ever get with a band, and they should be satisfied if it’s even as decent as Boomtown Rats.”

As of press time, Stern was coming up with names for a coffee shop that he will never open.

Report: Being Crushed by Falling Piano Still Funniest Way to Die

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — A CDC annual report detailing the various causes of death in the United States noted that “being crushed by a falling piano,” while unlikely, is the manner of death most likely to garner a laugh.

“We comb through tens of thousands of recorded deaths per year, so it’s not uncommon to see some real head scratchers. But one cause of death that always has us rolling on the office floor is the ol’ crushed by a falling piano bit,” said researcher Jim Franklin. “Accidental deaths are quite tragic, yes. But the circumstances leading to a piano death make it that much more hysterical. We usually find that the deceased had just stopped to pick up a quarter off the sidewalk, or had just been splashed by a passing car while being late for work immediately before being obliterated by a 700-pound grand piano falling from the top of a building, a bridge, or in some cases, a cliff in the middle of the desert.”

The impact of piano-related deaths has also mirrored the CDC’s sentiment within the funeral home industry.

“We do our best to ensure that every former loved one who enters our home is treated with the utmost dignity and respect. That being said, I’d be lying if I said we didn’t like to have fun every once in a while. I’ve seen quite a few piano deaths in my 40-year career, and the funerals we had for them have been absolute screamers,” said funeral home director George Blumenfeld. “I’ve always felt our services should be a celebration of life, so what better way to do that than to replace their teeth with piano keys, or make a tie stick up all bendy like an out of tune piano string in a cartoon? It can really take the edge off of an otherwise tense ordeal, and I’ve yet to hear a single complaint.”

Piano manufacturers have leaned in on their products inadvertently killing people, seeing it as free publicity.

“There really isn’t a huge market for baby grand pianos in this day and age, so when we hear that some poor sap gets flattened by one of our products we basically cut our marketing budget in half. No such thing as bad publicity,” said Steinway PR representative Joan Withers. “Our last commercial was just a picture of an obituary for a guy who was squashed by our K-52 model with ‘Yakety Sax’ playing over it. Our sales were up 300% that quarter.”

The CDC report also revealed the second and third funniest causes of death in 2020 were crashing into a wall painted as a tunnel, and trampolining off of an adjacent cliff, respectively.

Awkward Man at Nude Beach Not Sure What to Do With Hands, Penis

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

MIAMI — First time nude beach goer Simon Lowell made fellow nudists uncomfortable with his obvious anxiety surrounding what to do with his hands and sunburnt penis, confirmed multiple sources that described themselves as “free spirits.”

“I like having conversations over dinner because my hands are occupied with silverware, and my penis is under the table, but out here on the beach I’m just left exposed in more ways than one,” said Lowell as he strategically tried to keep his privates covered with a clump of seaweed. “It feels super weird because I can’t stuff my hands in my pockets, so I’m walking around with my arms crossed and my penis just sticking out like a divining rod. Maybe I could dig a hole with a plastic shovel and cover everything except for my head. But digging would require me to bend over, and I really don’t know what’s going on back there.”

Old saggy man Wilford Koch offered a different outlook on public nudity than Lowell.

“This kid is stressing me out a bit. You can tell he’s anxious, he’s doing a lot of pacing, and he’s currently involved in three different frisbee games to try to stay busy. I don’t get it, he’s in the prime of his life. Everything is tight and where it should be. Look at this here,” said Koch, pausing his naked jumping jacks to point to an unidentifiable body part. “What is this? I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a part of me now. And because it’s a part of me, I love it. Because I love myself.”

Nude beach maintenance worker Ricky Pope said he believes that his job would be easier if people were a bit more like Lowell.

“I wish these people had more shame, like that nervous fella I saw earlier today,” said Pope. “Everyone just puts their bare asses in my pristine sand and I have all these butt prints dotting the beach that I have to comb. And I know for a fact that people would rather walk into the water and pee than go to the beach bathroom. There’s no chlorine in the ocean. There’s no filter system. They’re just adding pee to the rising sea levels. And you wouldn’t believe how much a nude body sheds and how much of it I have to clean up. The bird nests around here are 35% pubes.”

At press time, Lowell was in attendance at an Eyes Wide Shut orgy, unsure of how long to maintain eye contact and genital contact with strangers.

Had I Known So Many People Were Coming to My Intervention I Would’ve Brought More Booze

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Where are my manners? I mean, it’s not every day you get your own intervention with this many people. I didn’t think we would ever top last year’s turnout but holy shit, here we are! Anyway, I really should’ve done some self-reflection and learned an important lesson from that last one and brought more booze this time around.

How embarrassing! I’m usually quite good at ball-parking the numbers on these types of special events too. I find it’s always a good idea to bring more liquor than you think you’re going to need. That way there can be leftovers for the next morning.

But anyway, it’s so nice to see all of your faces. I’d split what I have with all of you, it’s just I have a hard time functioning without it. You understand, right? Seems to be just part of the human experience.

You’re probably thinking that bringing alcohol to an intervention is a bit unorthodox, but if you really think about it I’m the only one here thinking about all of you. Also, last year’s intervention was such a downer and I’m more of a “let’s have fun until we puke” kind of guy.

I mean, you all know how uncomfortable I get when the spotlight is on me. I tense up, get self-conscious, and look for the nearest alcoholic liquid I can find to ease the tension. Remember that time I had no choice but to take a swig of rubbing alcohol because that was the only thing around that wasn’t water? Oof. Would not recommend it, but honestly it did the trick.

But anyway, I really want to thank everyone for coming and I’ll see you all next year where I’ll be sure to stop at the liquor store beforehand. A little heads up would be really nice too. I like to be prepared and well-stocked for all occasions.

Oh, there’s more? Why do I not remember that?

“…Baby One More Time” Played Between Hardcore Bands’ Sets Gets Best Reaction of Show

Posted on by John Danek

OMAHA, Neb. — The Britney Spears ‘90s classic “…Baby One More Time” being played between sets at a recent hardcore show easily garnered the strongest reaction of the night, giggling fans reported.

“We all just finished up watching Concussion Protocol when the sound guy dropped some Britney and the place went fucking nuts. Everyone was singing along, and a legit pit erupted during that one part after the breakdown where she is like ‘I must confess,’” recounted Omaha scene lifer Tabitha Lowell. “In years past, I probably would have acted like I didn’t know the words but we’ve all been cooped up for so long, it just felt good to belt out a classic in a crowd. Unfortunately, none of the hardcore/powerviolence bands on the ticket could provide us that feeling.”

Jennifer Ikey, resident live sound engineer at The Crowbar in Omaha, didn’t expect to cause such a ruckus with her joke song selection.

“I was feeling a bit loose and fun, so instead of the usual mix of obscure deep cuts and my friends’ awful bands, I threw in a pop classic. Everyone was screaming the chorus and a couple of The Dead Tyrants Crew were even doing some of the choreography from the music video,” stated Ikey, who has since enrolled in classes to become a DJ. “The mood was immediately squashed when Throne Wrecker came on with their uninspired hardcore bullshit. But for a moment, there was unity in the room. Joy. Love. And I caused it.”

Upon hearing of the unexpected celebration of her music, Britney Spears reacted with gratitude and curiosity.

“In this difficult moment in my career, it warms my heart to hear that new people are discovering my music in the unlikeliest of places,” said Spears from an unspecified location in Southern California, against the terms of her conservatorship. “Not many people know this, but I’ve always loved beatdown hardcore since I was a kid. I had actually been listening to Shattered Realm right before I shaved my head and smashed that paparazzo with an umbrella.”

The Crowbar has announced that all upcoming punk and hardcore shows have been cancelled and replaced with ‘90s pop music dance nights.

Hard Times Fest Location Revealed

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

We can’t wait until November to party with all of you. Hard Times Fest will take place over four amazing days at the abandoned lot that used to be a Caltrans facility sort of near the L.A. river. It’s going to require a bit of care to get it in shape for the fest, but are already forcing two of our interns to start clearing the lot of all weeds, chunks of concrete, discarded mattresses, needles, broken glass, human waste, and wild dogs.

We also want to address the rumors that one of those interns was bit by a coyote so bad that they lost a finger. That’s a fucking lie. The doctors were able to sew the finger back on, and by November there will be no more goddamn fucking coyotes.

We will have more updates about tickets, parking, and hotels soon. But in the interim please don’t go to the location and bury drugs in the ground. We know a lot of people like to load coolers full of booze and drugs and then dig them up during the fest, but we talked to city commissioners and they said the soil at this site is so toxic that if you accidentally consume some of it you will probably end up in a coma.

Also, after the lineup announcement we had a few death threats, and someone even drove to our co-founder’s apartment and painted “eat my shit” on his fence, but we know it’s just because they are mad their band wasn’t booked. We understand you are excited for the fest, but please don’t come to our homes.

Party on.

I Knew This Band Way Before Everyone Else Because I’m Mommy’s Special Boy

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

Look, I know that these days everyone goes around acting like they’re President of the Sodom and Gamera fan club. I see their merch everywhere, their first live show since the pandemic sold out in a few hours, hell I even heard they’re playing the Jimmy Kimmel show or some shit. Yeah ok, good for them. Whatever. My point is that I just think it’s important for everyone to realize that I knew them way before everyone else, because I’m Mommy’s special boy.

Sure, I got their albums from Pirate Bay, and I never spent a single cent on tickets to their shows. But musicians don’t care about that shit. I’m a real fan because I just get their music, you know? I know I totally get it way more than all of those other shitheads that are going to their shows.

Mommy says that everyone is probably just threatened by how smart I am, and that’s why no one wants to give me any credit. In fact, if I didn’t know this band, they probably wouldn’t even be popular right now. Why does this sort of thing always happen to me?

Anyway, since I’ve known them way longer than everyone else, I know that they’ve actually gotten a lot worse. Their first two albums are way better than the one that’s gotten so popular. Mommy thinks that it’s probably because I started reading at a fifth-grade level when I was only eight. She said I’ve always been smarter and better than all the other boys, so that’s probably why I’m the only one who can tell that this new album is straight garbage.

And their first bass player, Melon, was a million times better than this new goon they’ve got, anyway. I remember I saw them a few years ago at this tiny dive and they fuckin’ ripped. Melon was playing his bass behind his head and shit, it was wild. I thought about buying a shirt of theirs or something, but since I knew the door guy Jay, I never had any cash on me. Whatever.

People can like whatever shit they want, just as long as everyone knows that Mommy’s special boy knew about it first. She’s the only one who isn’t afraid to acknowledge my genius. That’s probably why I’ve lived with her for 32 years.