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Tough Guy Hardcore Shows Put on Hold as Entire Scene Prepares to Redeploy to Afghanistan

PHILADELPHIA — All shows featuring tough guy hardcore bands are now on indefinite hiatus as musicians within the genre prepare to head back to Afghanistan, confirmed multiple shirtless sources wearing camo shorts.

“I was a little disappointed because I’ve used my free time during COVID to write breakdowns heavy enough to smother an IED,” said Socket Wrench guitar player “Big” Lenny Harbour. “My band got booked on Severe Brain Trauma Fest, but as soon as we heard about the Taliban retaking Kabul we got an email from the fest booker, who also happens to be my commanding officer, that we need to get ready to redeploy. I was hoping to finally get a chance to fuck shit up in my hometown again, but fucking shit up in the desert will have to do for a while.”

Tough guy hardcore fans were initially upset by the sudden show cancellations until they realized they would be fighting alongside some of their favorite musicians.

“I was so bummed that I wasn’t going to get to see Fracture Compound play with Constant Threat, but then I realized I’m in the same platoon as Fracture Compound’s drummer ‘Big’ Jake Cooper,” said Private First Class and Knuckle Down Crew member Mikey Cortez. “I have so much pent-up energy because of COVID and I was ready to unleash it all during the first breakdown I heard. Honestly, I hope I get surrounded by a group of Taliban fighters, I’ll just picture I’m in the middle of a pit, and someone just hit a China cymbal and I’ll just go off winging punches into the crowd.”

Critics of American military intervention overseas were less excited about the possibility of more troops in the Middle East, but admit they were relieved at the same time.

“I don’t think the United States has any idea what the fuck they’re doing when it comes to stopping the Taliban. We’ve spent billions of dollars creating a security force and it’s all been a fucking waste,” said Henry O’Grady. “But on the other hand, it will be nice to get rid of some of these dudes for a couple months. I hate when I’m just standing by the merch table and then suddenly I get spin kicked and pushed into the wall by some Army meathead. I’m not sure if they’ll make Afghanistan safe for civilians, but at least I know shows around here will be less violent.”

The sudden pull out of the tough guy hardcore scene has left a power vacuum, leaving many experts to expect the sudden rise of a mid-00’s emo revival.