HYATTSVILLE, Md. — Local man Hanford Lin was nowhere to be found today after allowing touring band Snuffed to crash in the living room of the apartment he shares with four other roommates, startled residents of the modest apartment confirmed.
“He does this shit all the time, and I’m so fucking sick of it,” said roommate Beverly Harp, whose bedroom shares a wall with the living room. “He could’ve at least sent us a text giving us a heads up — I came home from work and found a bunch of strangers stinking up my house. One guy had his muddy boots on the couch, another was asleep holding a switchblade while wearing nothing but hole-riddled boxer briefs, and I’m pretty sure the dude on the floor passed out in a pile of his own puke.”
For their part, the members of Snuffed seemed to enjoy their stay at the house.
“We’ve been on tour for three weeks and this was the first time that whole time we’ve had a decent place to stay,” said drummer Pat “Putrid” Pudowski. “Sure, it was kind of weird to be woken up by a stranger screaming, ‘What the fuck?! Not this shit again!’ at us, but we really shouldn’t complain — I mean, we had a roof over our heads, a place to shower, and the fridge was stocked with enough food for us to load the van and not have to worry about shopping til we finish the tour.”
Lin was finally located after countless texts and phone calls went unanswered.
“I give a fuck about the scene, and I’m gonna go the extra mile to support it every chance I get,” Lin said. “I’m not gonna lie, though — I wanted to stay at my girlfriend’s place last night because those guys are fucking maniacs. I heard that on their last tour, they accidentally set someone’s house on fire when they tried to smoke crack off of an electric stove. You can’t blame me for not wanting to get brutally murdered in my sleep by one of those psychos.”
Hanford later offered the members of Snuffed the keys to his father’s work van to finish the tour.