Friend Who Hasn’t Talked to You During Entirety of Pandemic Wondering if They Can Get On the List Tonight

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A friend whom you haven’t spoken to, texted, or shared an Instagram exchange with in the past 15 months put you in a strange position when they asked to be added to your band’s guest list, you confirmed with a sigh.

“I’m justified in being annoyed by this, right? He just launched into it with the ‘you got any spots on the list tonight?’ He could have at least tried to preheat the oven a little and start a conversation with me,” you said just five minutes before driving to the venue. “He didn’t send me a text when my cat died, or congratulate me about getting into grad school. The last time we talked was when I got him backstage at a show before the pandemic. And even then, he was complaining that the beer wasn’t cold enough.”

Your friend believes he’s justified in asking for a free ticket to the show.

“Man, me and the big guy go way back to like, 2017. I think getting me into the show is the least he can do for an old friend. I’m not just going to show up and be a freeloader, I’ll stand off to the side of the stage for most of the set and nod along to the songs,” said the friend who obviously couldn’t remember your actual name. “And if he could throw me a couple free shirts from the merch table that would be cool. I’m sort of in between a medium and a large so it would be best if I get both sizes. Walking around in that shirt is a free advertisement, so it’s worth it for him.”

Therapists around the country have noted an uptick in their musician clients trying to work through issues with their casual relationships.

“Less than five months ago most musicians were worried that they would never be able to play live again. Now their biggest concern is having every single one of their contacts hitting them up asking for free admission to their music gigs,” said Dr. Edward Santos. “I try to remind my clients that they don’t owe these people anything. I can’t tell you how often my friends will call me up and make a bit of small talk before transitioning into issues they’re having with their parents. Everyone wants something for free.”

You were further discouraged when you got over two dozen texts at the exact same time from friends saying “Hey, can’t make it out tonight, have fun though.”

HI, I’m Your New Neighbor, and I’m Legally Required To Disclose That I’m the Singer From Goo Goo Dolls

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hello, I just moved in next door and wanted to introduce myself. I am also legally required to disclose to all people living in a 1,000-yard radius that I am the singer from ’90s pop rock sensations Goo Goo Dolls. I know it can be awkward to hear that your new neighbor is John Rzeznik, writer of the hit single “Iris” and 18 other top ten hits, but I want to be upfront with you all about this. Plus, the settlement I agreed to explicitly states that I have to.

Look, I know what you’re thinking, but I hardly even wrote those songs! I’m just a normal guy who made a dumb mistake, and this is just a formality. I promise that you and your family and any concert venues in the immediate area have nothing to be worried about, from me or from my distinctive, hook-filled brand of radio-friendly pop rock.

I no longer desire to wake up where you are. I see now why that is wrong.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, like the time I performed Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” with Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst as part of a 9/11 tribute. I hope that you won’t hold it against me, especially when I’m doing the right thing here. If I wanted to, I could take my “City of Angels Original Soundtrack” money and retire far away from everyone, but I’m trying to re-enter society and learn to integrate myself in a community.

I hope you can appreciate that.

In time, maybe you can come to see me less as the boogeyman children tell their parents that the singer of such hits as “Name,” “Black Balloon” and “Here is Gone” is, and more as a real person who has flaws, is working to improve himself and will obey the letter of a legal settlement to a T. I’m sure it must be scary to think that someone like me, who has toured with Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas on multiple occasions, is sleeping next door to your children and your pets. It’ll take trust and work on my part, and carefully navigating the requirements of legal documents, but I hope that maybe someday we can be friends as well as neighbors.

And listen, if you ever want to come over and jam in the garage, my door’s always open. That’s also one of the requirements of the settlement.

Straight Edge 22-Year-Old Doesn’t Need Alcohol To Act Like an Idiot

Posted on by Josh Klasco

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local straight edge 22-year-old Niki Mishtia once again proved that he is perfectly capable of acting like a moron without using alcohol as a crutch, amazed onlookers reported.

“I don’t need drugs or alcohol to live a fulfilling life of poor choices,” bragged Mishtia minutes before stapling his scrotum to a coffee table. “Honestly, it’s sad. You see so many people that need to get obliterated on cocaine cut with baby powder and cheap vodka that gives them a rash before they can even consider breaking something over their head. See this scar on my forehead? I got blind stinking sober off one of those fancy glass water bottles. It took me three or four times to break the thing on my head, but when I did, you better believe I was present enough to experience the head trauma.”

21-year-old Benny Barthwalp is one of many aspiring straight edge morons enchanted by Mishtia’s wondrous ability.

“Niki is a prodigy when it comes to being a complete dumbass maniac,” gushed Barthwalp between attempts to eat glass “like David Blaine.” “I’ve seen guys snort baking soda and vinegar, get stick-and-pokes of their bad report card, even ride grocery carts on the freeway! But all of them were on a cocktail of chemicals strong enough to kill a small horse. Niki has done all this and more, and the only juice he’s taking is Ocean Spray Cran-Grape.”

Mishtia’s behavior, while eye-catching, is not as unique as one might think, asserted Evergreen State College Sociologist Dr. Brenda Bradenda.

“My research shows that straight edge people don’t get enough credit when it comes to being degenerates,” said Dr. Bradenda. “In research for my doctoral thesis, I observed two mice at a hardcore show. I gave the first mouse a steady drip of fentanyl-laced PBR and the second mouse a childhood of abusive, alcoholic parents. I’m sure it won’t surprise you that the second mouse had an aversion to drugs and alcohol, but, even sober, its abusive parents filled it up with so much anger that it invariably started fights at these shows. The first mouse, on the other hand, never started a single fight because, more often than not, it was dead.”

Mishtia, who is also vegan, continued to surprise onlookers by eating a dangerously unhealthy mixture of Oreos and Skittles as his only source of food for the last two weeks.

Beautiful Sunny Day Overshadowed by Mounting Pressure to “Go Do Something”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Local homebody Jenny Wellmeyer experienced generalized anxiety due to the overwhelming pressure to go do something outside while the weather was absolutely gorgeous, sun-kissed sources confirmed.

“This must be what peer pressure looks like as an adult because I’ve already received several assertive texts from friends asking me to go on a hike, ride bicycles, or get day drunk with them in the park,” said Wellmeyer before changing from her nighttime pajama pants into her daytime pajama pants. “Honestly, all I want to do is finish my ‘Great British Bake-Off’ reruns in complete darkness all by myself with the curtains shut to block the sun from creating an annoying glare on my TV. Ideally, the weather would be totally miserable more days than not, so I can focus on things that I actually want to do.”

Friends of Wellmeyer wanted no such part of her staying indoors on a day like today.

“It’s not every day you get to lather yourself with sunscreen while uncomfortably squinting your way through the day because the sun is slowly burning out your eyes,” said longtime pal Jessica Woodsworth. “There are only so many thousands of beautiful days in your lifetime, so you absolutely must take advantage when a frequent opportunity like this presents itself. Or else you might one day be on your deathbed regretting all the things you could’ve done when it was 75 degrees and sunny out. Seriously, you can watch TV when you’re dead.”

Experts on weather patterns say the social pressure put on people to enjoy nice weather is creating dangerous situations.

“This is a legitimate concern for people who tune in to watch the weather report,” said meteorologist Morgan Palmers of the KARO-7 Eyewitness News team. “You have no idea how many angry letters we get when the forecast calls for several consecutive nice days. As a result, we have to throw in a scattered shower day every now and then to break up the gorgeous weather and give the public a sense of relief despite the data suggesting otherwise. Sure, this means we technically get our forecast wrong, but it’s worth it in order to serve the public in a positive way.”

At press time, Wellmeyer had begrudgingly accepted a friend’s request to go for a walk, but was relieved when her friend had to cancel at the last minute.

Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain

Posted on by Dianne Nora

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new study by Harvard University confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.

“Our research has found that the best way to stand out among applicants is to remind them of your many connections to the political elite,” said Terrence Morgan, lead author of the study and an expert in human behavior and the American workplace. “If you can highlight the skills on your resume with an anecdote about your days summering in Martha’s Vineyard, or showing Daddy’s ranch in Arizona to a few of the Romneys, you’ll really stand out. Even a lesser Romney will do.”

Meghan McCain, a participant in the study, confirmed that this technique worked so well, she wasn’t even asked about her qualifications before being offered her most recent job.

“I was fully prepared to discuss my previous work, but once I introduced myself as the daughter of tragically deceased presidential candidate John McCain, the HR rep didn’t even ask to hear about how efficiently I can withdraw from my trust fund,” Meghan explained. “I was expecting that I’d need to highlight some of my charitable work, like allowing toddlers to style my hair before appearing on national television, or the hours I’ve spent tirelessly perfecting my ability to talk over women of color, or even my decades of experience twisting every scenario to make myself appear to be the victim. But once the interviewer realized I was Meghan McCain, daughter of the dead Maverick himself, they offered me a TV show right on the spot.”

Cynthia Iglesias, an experienced corporate headhunter, said that the competition for top jobs is particularly stiff this year.

“Candidates need to do everything they can to stand out,” Iglesias continued, “and when we see someone like Meghan, a young woman who has been able to maintain media attention and court controversy for years, despite having virtually no recognizable skills, that application jumps right to the top of the pile. She really epitomizes America today: she isn’t very bright or talented, which tells me that in the next five years, she’ll probably be in charge.”

At press time, Morgan added that a parallel study, in which candidates told the interviewer that Lindsey Graham was their daddy, resulted in significantly fewer hires.

We Tried to Interview Eminem but Then Our Mom Said We Weren’t Allowed To Listen to Him

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Eminem is a huge figure in the rap game who is known for his impressive freestyle skills and brutally earnest lyrics. He has also attracted his fair share of controversy for his vulgarity and no-fucks-given attitude. For this reason, our mom interrupted our interview to tell us we weren’t allowed to listen to him.

The Hard Times: A pleasure to meet you Mr. Mathers. I’m glad you decided to meet with us today.

Eminem: Please, call me “Em.” But yes, I’m happy to be here. And let me say…

Our mom: I can’t believe you are deliberately disobeying my orders!

Mom?! What are you doing?? I’m trying to conduct an interview right now.

Yes, with Eminem, whom I explicitly told you that you weren’t allowed to listen to. Emphasis on explicit. His music is filled with naughty words and anti-mom hatespeak. It’s not appropriate.

I mean, maybe when I was 12 when you first told me that. But I’m 30 now and I can tell the difference between reality and entertainment. Plus, he’s not talking about all moms. Just his.

Well how do I know he won’t rub off on you and then you’ll start to hate me? Maybe that’s why you never visit or call to check on your mother. When do I get a grandchild? You don’t love me.

Mom, please. Of course I love you. Look, can we do this later?

Fine. But wait until your father hears about this.

I’m sorry about that, Em. You know how mothers can be.

My mom used to make me fake sick so she could score drugs so, no, not exactly. Do you even listen to my music?

Oh right. Do you still want to do this interview?

Do you want to lick my ball sack?

Classic Em. Still got it.

Chivalrous Show-Goer Offers Tiny Wad of Tissue Stuffed in Ear to Crying Woman

Posted on by Krissy Howard

WILMINGTON, Del. — Chivalrous show-goer and all-around class act Dustin Delgado assisted a crying woman at a show last Thursday by offering her the wad of tissue he had stuffed in his ear in lieu of earplugs, according to impressed sources.

“I ran here right after work and forgot my earplugs in my other coat, which fucking sucks ‘cause they’re the nice ones. So I had to make do and shove a wad of tissue from the bathroom in my ears,” Delgado explained. “When I headed over to the bar to ask the bartender for another water, I saw her there, just absolutely beside herself and crying, and I knew what I had to do — I know if that was my own sister or mother, I’d want someone to fish some wadded-up toilet paper out of their sweaty ears and offer it to them.”

Chelsea Schanz, the crying woman reportedly “just having a fuckin’ day,” was appreciative of the kind gesture but unimpressed.

“I was just upset and minding my own business when this dork comes up out of nowhere and pulls literal trash out of his ear and shoves it in my face,” Schanz recalled. “That alone wouldn’t have been so bad, but like, 10 seconds later he pulled out a ruler and swatted my hands with it for having my elbows up on the table. I guess it all worked out, though, because I did get to fix my mascara with all that paper he pulled out, and now I know which spoon to use for soup.”

While Schanz was left confused, some eyewitnesses applauded Delgado for his display of proper etiquette.

“It’s not every day you see a gentleman practicing good manners at a show, but when you do, you remember it,” said bartender Ross Levinson. “I haven’t seen such an act of selfless chivalry since the time this couple were about to attempt a tandem stage dive, and the guy let his lady go first. Sure, no one was paying attention and she ate shit right on the floor, but when they ran to the hospital for her broken nose, he held the door for her, and ordered her a Lyft before he went back inside to catch the headliner. They just don’t make ‘em like that anymore.”

Delgado was last seen writing a thank-you note on the wall of the venue bathroom, expressing his utmost gratitude to “Bobbi the bartender” and the crop top she was wearing.

Photo by Kevin Tit.

Review: Terror “Trapped in a World”

Posted on by Dom Turek

Hardcore legends Terror are back with their eighth album “Trapped in a World” featuring 12 rerecorded tracks from their first two albums “One with the Underdogs” and “Lowest of the Low.”

If you loved Terror’s first two albums, you’re going to be blown away by “Trapped in a World,” because it’s all the same songs. After deciding to team up mid-pandemic and rerecord tracks from their debut album “One with the Underdogs” and “Lowest of the Low,” Terror released 25 minutes of raw, unadulterated hardcore that will leave you saying “Wait, I think I’ve heard this song before.”

After doing some cursory research, I learned Scott Vogel’s address and decided to do a quick drive-by, which is pretty standard for journalists. The house was just how I imagined it, but the windows were a little hard to see through, so I let myself in the side door. The best way to get to know your subjects is to become intimate with them, and what’s more intimate than hiding in Scott Vogel’s laundry room while he feeds his dogs?

It all started back in 2005 outside of Buffalo, New York when I noticed someone ordered the same garbage plate as me. We struck up a short but intensely meaningful conversation where I learned he was the frontman for a hardcore band called Terror, and that’s when I decided to become a music journalist. Having now attended countless Terror shows and written hundreds of unpublished articles on them, I felt compelled to review their latest album, even though Nine Inch Nails’ frontman and Terror Guitarist Todd Jones has repeatedly asked me not to be within 100 yards of the band.

People will always judge what they can’t understand, which is why my friends, family and Todd Jones have distanced themselves from me over my “unhealthy obsession” with a man I “hardly know.” I still have his old Nike sweatshirt and a partial fingernail clipping I stole while he was performing in New Mexico. Would you call that hardly knowing someone? They’re just jealous because they know most of the tracks from “Trapped in a World” are about me, like “Keep Your Distance,” “Out of My Face,” and “Better off Without You.”

Every time I violate my order of protection and sneak into a Terror show, I know he’s speaking directly to me when he screams at the audience to “activate the pit” or “Kill motherfuckers and eat pussy.” As his self-appointed muse, I have duties, which is why I’ve decided to camp out in Scott’s crawl space until the time comes to talk about our future together.

10/10 xoxo’s

/**/

Stable, Loving Relationship Obliterated After Single Tarot Card Reading

Posted on by James Knapp

PITTSBURGH — Local woman Stephanie Commita’s relationship of seven years is reportedly “teetering on the brink of complete collapse” following a recent amateur tarot card reading, sources highly susceptible to suggestion confirmed.

“My friend Beth had just bought these cute new tarot cards off Etsy and I thought it would be fun to do something a little witchy. Twenty minutes later I was leaving a voicemail on my boyfriend’s phone after the Moon in reverse told me we need to talk,” explained Commita who is currently staying in her mom’s guest room for a few days while she ‘works some things out.’ “It’s like those cards were staring into my soul. I had no idea that I was ‘magnanimously unfulfilled under Uranus’ until they told me I was, or at least the little pamphlet that came with the cards told me. It’s a shame that my relationship is basically over, but if that’s what The Magician says, then who am I to argue with fate?”

Commita’s longtime partner Doug Burnstein gave his account of the events while frantically trying to freeze the couple’s joint bank account.

“It started out like a pretty normal Saturday. She left for Beth’s house and I walked over to the Y for my racquetball league. After I think the second round, I checked my phone to find a voicemail from Steph. I don’t know what ‘The Hanged Man’s halo is burning brightly’ means but I feel I made the right call bowing out of the rest of the match,” remarked Burnstein. “When I found out about the tarot cards it really just raised more questions. [Commita] has never really been the superstitious type, so it’s pretty confusing that she thinks we’re incompatible now that The Lovers came up in the past position, or whatever.”

Amateur tarot enthusiast and friend who’s just looking out for her girl, Beth Manning, gave background on Commita’s recent reading.

“I cannot control what insight one will divine from the cards. They are merely a vessel to spiritual enlightenment,” said Manning, surrounded by way too many hemp seed candles. “If the cards showed Stephanie the flaws in her otherwise solid romance, then really it only helped her to realize it on her own. That is assuming that I actually did the reading properly. I’m really more experienced with Ouija.”

At press time, Commita and Burnstein had begun couples counseling with a practitioner known only as Doctor Alligator.

Amazon Employees Plan to Sneak in Bathroom Break While Jeff Bezos in Space

Posted on by Tony Morse

NEW YORK — Local Amazon employee Jeff Baxter developed a plan to finally use the bathroom at work after reading Jeff Bezos will soon be launched into space, fellow sources who can’t hold it any longer confirmed.

“Cats away, the mice will play, if you follow me,” explained Baxter with his legs tightly crossed, yet still running full speed in order to fulfill orders. “It’s not just the bathroom breaks, either. Bezos made rules about how many times you’re allowed to blink or inhale and exhale during a shift. The higher-ups got really into limiting our breathing, probably so they could say Amazon was doing something to limit the risk of Coronavirus transmission in the workplace, but really it was part of some oxygen deprivation experiment to test how much Jeff would be able to charge for air in a few years. Anyway, with him in space we’ll no longer have to fear getting fired for making eye contact with co-workers, using our human names with each other, or for succumbing to urinary incontinence. Revolution now!”

“But I don’t know if those warehouse toilets have ever been flushed. I hope they work,” added a trepidatious Baxter.

Labor activists said this could be a watershed moment for workers trying to resist the iron-fisted rule of the world’s most ruthless same-day shipper.

“This could be a major catalyst for change. Normalizing bathroom breaks could really empower Amazon’s workforce,” said civil rights lawyer Christina Stephens. “Amazon values keeping their employees out of the bathroom so much that they developed a metric to track it. You may have heard of ‘T.O.T,’ or ‘time off task,’ but with Bezos what it actually means ‘time off toilet.’ And I’ve represented so many fulfillment center employees who just wanted to sue for a bathroom pass. Amazon typically offers to settle those lawsuits for six free months of Amazon Prime. Assholes.”

Still, the issue of Amazon’s bathroom accessibility even drew the ire of fellow despotic richling Elon Musk.

“Wait, are you telling me Bezos put his servants in warehouses that actually have bathrooms? Where they can see them? What kind of operation is that little cuck running, anyway?” said Musk while firing a gun at photos of Gavin Newsom. “But I guess this is the same guy who lets his ex-wife give away all his money. Next you’ll tell me Blue Origin facilities have First Aid Kits. No wonder SpaceX gets all the government contracts lolz.”

At press time, Amazon managers were discussing what to charge employees for toilet paper.