First Punk Show City Has Seen in 15 Months Still Starts Three Hours Late

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A local scene’s highly anticipated return of DIY shows was once again delayed by multiple hours due to the same bullshit as always, multiple sources sitting on the floor and texting confirmed.

“Our first show back is fucking stacked, and I promise it’s going to start any minute,” said show promoter, and bassist for the opening band, David Rios. “Things are sort of in limbo right now because it turns out this place didn’t have a PA so I’ve been calling all over to find one. Plus, the guys in Spiked Punch are having van troubles. We can’t start without them because everyone on the show is using their drummer’s kit. Everyone seems to be having a good time though, lots of people are standing in a big circle in the parking lot, and one dude even brought a frisbee.”

Emma Lucas, a staple at all New Haven punk shows, admitted she was relieved to see shows returning.

“I was worried people would have changed after all this time apart. I’m comforted by the fact everyone still hasn’t gotten their shit together. We had all this time to work on ourselves, and we all chose not to. That’s why this scene is so strong,” said Lucas while browsing the sparse selections at the merch table for the seventh time. “It was just so nice to show up and watch the bands try to get 10 of their friends into the show for free by letting each one carry a different piece of equipment past the door guy. I don’t think a single person in this place actually paid to be here. It’s great to be back.”

Punks from all over the country reported similar instances of shows starting late in their local scenes.

“Our first show back was in an abandoned brewery and the cops broke it up within 15 minutes because a couple dudes were shooting fireworks onto the highway,” said Indianapolis punk Eddy Leonard. “When we were all scrambling to our cars I started to reflect on all the time I spent in quarantine, and it made me sad to think we lost an entire year of causing trouble. The night ended with everyone getting drunk in the Denny’s parking lot and I realized we finally beat this Covid shit.”

At press time, sources reported that New Haven’s first show back featured every band playing at least two Ramones covers instead of any new songs they could have written during the pandemic.

I’m the Kid Who Shouted “I Wanna Rock”in That Music Video, and I Wish I Had Apologized to My Father Before He Died

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hi. You don’t know me, but you probably know the child I once was. Jumping around in a bedroom. Windmilling on a Stratocaster. Spinning wildly around until I transformed into Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider. I’m the kid who shouted “I wanna rock” in that music video, and I wish I had apologized to my dad before he died.

For a lot of people, childhood is the best years of their life. Not me. Those years spent in my father’s house were full of confusion and frustration. I was so angry all the time. The generic sports pennants on my walls? It felt like they were mocking me. The cool race car poster behind my bed? I never felt like I’d be cool enough to deserve it. I felt powerless and small, and at the time, Dee Snider and shouting gave me a voice.

I won’t justify my father’s actions. But children never understand that their parents are complex, flawed figures with their own issues. Did I understand that he had been laid off from his job just the day before this fateful incident? Did I know he and my mother’s marriage was slowly dying, that he felt love slipping away from him every day? Did I get that when he shouted “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?” he was trying to connect with me but didn’t have the emotional language to?

And in a way, was I trying to reach out to him with the power of ‘80s heavy metal?

Our relationship never recovered. Things had fallen apart between us, much like Twisted Sister’s working relationship as commercial success dwindled. We never really talked about what had happened, how he spent that day being slammed into and through walls in a slapstick manner that doctors say contributed to his death a few years later. Undiagnosed internal injuries.

When I think back on my dad, I don’t think about the screaming and him falling through a window, only to have a bucket of water poured on him. I think about how I could have reached out, how I could have apologized for telling him that I wanted to rock. I could have told him I loved him.

And remember, when you shout “I wanna rock!” in the heat of the moment, someday you’ll be shouting…I want my dad back.

First Crew Pic Back from COVID Decidedly Uncool

Posted on by Dan Luberto

PHILADELPHIA — A local hardcore crew embarrassed themselves publicly after posting an incredibly weak crew pic, their first since COVID restrictions were lifted, multiple sources trying to stifle laughter confirmed.

“We should have deleted it right away, and we definitely shouldn’t have captioned it ‘Fuck with us and end up six feet deep.’ We look dumb as fuck right now,” said Derrick Walker, reflecting on the terrible photo. “We used to look tough as hell before the pandemic, but we all gained weight and lost a lot of muscle mass. Look, these are the softest hardstyles I’ve ever seen. None of us look even remotely hard. We sort of look like accountants dressed as ‘tough guys’ for Halloween.”

With shows back and in full swing, hardcore kids across the country making up for lost time by taking crew pics may be doing more harm than good for their friend group.

“I feel bad saying this because I know the past year and a half has been hard on everyone, but come on guys. First, you can tell they are all winded in the photo. And second, one of them is smiling like a goober. Tough people don’t smile, they grimace,” said Reba Baker who came across the photo on Instagram after the exact same photo had been posted by at least six of the people pictured. “And the icing on the cake is that most of them don’t even seem to know where the camera is. It looks more like a drunken family photo from a bad wedding, and not so much a group of intimidating thugs you don’t want to bump into late at night.”

Crew Pic Expert Erick Chaves weighed in offering his decades of experience both taking and posing in crew pics since the late ‘80s.

“The fact that there was no communication here whatsoever exhibits such a lack of vision it honestly makes me cringe to even call it a crew pic,” said Chaves. “It’s all wrong, it has none of the makings of a solid crew pic, not one person is holding a weapon, or throwing up an ironic gang sign. I don’t even see a single person with their arms crossed. It’s a slap in the face to all the self-respecting crews out there.”

At press time, members of the crew were seen talking with police hoping to recover a beanie that was stolen from them by a group of teenagers on scooters.

5 Perfect Charcuterie Boards That Will Help You Forget That You and Your Friends Killed a Hitchhiker That Summer

Posted on by Vince Ratti

Charcuterie boards have certainly had a surge in popularity lately, and it’s easy to see why! The mouthwatering variety of salty meats, decadent cheeses (drool), and virtually endless combinations of other treats are a great fit at formal parties, casual get togethers, and can even be enjoyed alone for when you need to push those dark memories to the back of your haunted mind.

Who could dwell on the mistakes of the past when so many possible flavor combinations lay in front of you?!

You asked and we heard you loud and clear, so here are 5 perfect charcuterie boards that will help you forget that you and your friends killed a hitchhiker that summer!

The Big Meat Board
This one is for all you diehard carnivores out there. You’ll need at least 5 different meats for this satisfying board. I’m not going to tell you which to use, because you’re already picturing what you want! Presentation is everything, so fold the slices and fan them out like how you would imagine a search party fanning out to look for any clue to the recent disappearance of a person you didn’t think anyone would miss. Don’t forget the artisanal crackers!

The Rose Garden
I always get asked two questions: “Can I add inedible objects to my board, for example, flowers?” And, “Do you think Brian is talking to the authorities?” Yes, yes and he better fucking not be!
Make this heavenly snack selection look amazing by placing some of your garden flowers throughout. We’ll deal with snitches who swore to secrecy later, but for now add some salted nuts and seeds to pull it all together.

The Sweet & Spicy
Let this spicy board punish you (and not a jury of your peers) for your unspeakable sin. The hot sopressata, peppered prosciutto, cherry peppers and pickled habaneros will have you covered in sweat like you’ve been digging a giant fucking hole in the woods for an hour. Balance this one out by adding generous amounts of dark chocolate, fresh wild blueberry, and horseradish cheddar. Yum!

With all that spice on this board, you may find yourself over-imbibing on your wine pairing. Just remember: everyone makes mistakes, they just don’t talk about them. This is normal now.

The Rx
You didn’t hear this one from us (wink). Assemble whatever pharmaceuticals you can muster up, and arrange in colorful small bowls flanked by a variety of olives and a nice Gouda. This surprising board is sure to stop those pesky thoughts of guilt dead in their tracks. Bonus points for not driving down a dark winding road on your way back from the lake house after enjoying this one. The same road where, one fateful summer, you and your friends got a little carried away with your fun times and some poor soul payed the price. And as much as the incident haunts you, you can’t help but wonder if you could get away with it again.

Double bonus points for including fruit that is in-season!

The Escape to Mexico
No surprise that chorizo is the star here, but including cotija and queso fresco is a must. This daring board is best enjoyed outside of the reach of domestic prosecutors. ¡Libertad de homicidio involuntario!

Every Member of Band More Invested in a Solo Project

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Every member of local indie rock band The Soviet Reunion is far more artistically, financially and personally invested in their respective solo projects than their “main gig,” sources close to the band confirmed.

“I love these guys,” said Barry Morgan, The Soviet Reunion’s longtime merch guy, from the lobby of the band’s practice space. “Every member of this band really brings something special, which is what makes them all convinced that their own thing is going to take off. Joey [Matheson, vocals] has a chillwave thing she does as ‘Middle-Aged Teen,’ Santiago [Cruz, drummer] raps as Caribbean Cruz, Lee [Edwards, keyboards] thinks he’s going to ‘revitalize jazz’ with these weird recordings of Jelly Roll Morton songs he does on children’s instruments. They all sound like complete shit, but I can’t tell them that because the money I make from touring with them is how I keep my black metal project afloat.”

Arthur Novak, a dedicated fan of The Soviet Reunion, admitted he’s getting frustrated with the group.

“It’s exhausting trying to keep track of everything they’re doing,” said Novak. “I have multiple spreadsheets and computer programs that keep me up to date on every new project they start. One of them will eventually be good and I don’t want to miss out, but right now the band looks like they are coming apart at the seams. Last week, I saw Joey and Santiago almost get in a fight on Instagram Live because they were both trying to do their spoken word stuff on the band’s main page at the same exact time.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioural therapist, explained this as a very common phenomenon.

“This is a textbook case of toxic band dynamics,” said Dr. Carter. “In the vast majority of promising musical acts, every member of a band thinks they’re the true creative heart, and that the others are dragging them down. They latch onto a fantasy that once they manage to go solo, that’s when they’ll take off and create the ‘great work’ they have inside them. Sadly, that has only ever been true of Paul McCartney and Wings.”

As of press time, each member of The Soviet Reunion was trying to sneak burned CDs of their respective projects into the band’s online store.

“It Went Pretty Well!” Says Guy About Date Woman Will Discuss in Therapy for Weeks

Posted on by John Danek

ROSWELL, N.M. — Local bachelor Ian Rael felt optimistic about his first Hinge date with Emily Backovich, an event that she will need to unpack with her therapist for the next month or so.

“Yeah dude, it went pretty well! I picked her up at her place, complimented her hipster-chic aesthetic, and whisked her off to a brewpub,” announced Rael about his 72nd first date since the COVID pandemic started. “We had some drinks and took some cute pics in the photobooth. We even kissed in there! I don’t want to call myself a dating expert, but if there’s one thing and the only thing women love, it’s going on first dates.”

Backovich offered a substantially different and more traumatic perspective on how the events of her date with Rael unfolded.

“When I got in his car he immediately said I looked like a ‘lowkey slutty puritan,’ so we were off to a typical start,” recounted Backovich, who is coming off a two-year long hiatus from dating. “My therapist says that if I go into new situations looking for problems, I’ll always find them, but this was five seconds after we first met! We then went to a brewery despite me stating on Hinge that I’m sober, and he got shitfaced. Then we got in a photobooth where he tried to kiss me. I pivoted my mouth away and he weirdly kinda nuzzled the back of neck. I have photographic evidence. I had to drive him in his car back to his house and Lyft home. Fuck dating. Fuck it forever.”

Backovich’s therapist, Dr. Linda Argent, attempted to present ways to reflect on this experience for progress and growth.

“Emily is frequently very hard on herself, and I understand why — dating sucks,” explained Dr. Argent, who specializes in relationships and sex. “Unfortunately, bad dates are a part of dating. The key is in how we carry ourselves after a bad date. I’m encouraging her to give herself the grace to not blame herself. But after countless shitty dates with state school douchebags, I’m running out of ways to rephrase it all.”

Rael’s lack of self-awareness continued to worsen as he later claimed he is so good sexually that women have to beg him to stop after 45 minutes of fingering.

Weed Dealer Released From Prison Unqualified To Work At Dispensary

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

YONKERS, N.Y. — Darnell Hudgens, recently paroled from Westchester County Correctional for marijuana distribution, is reportedly encountering challenges obtaining a job in the legal weed industry, according to sources.

“I was told I ‘didn’t fit the company image,’” explained Hudgens. “Most of the people working there got college degrees. Hell, I was practically an independent contractor in the industry. I thought the dispensary would understand, but they kept asking about the 15-year gap in my employment history. Then they asked for professional references, and I’m like motherfucker, all my references are in jail. I’ll keep looking for jobs, but if something doesn’t work out, I might have to go back to dealing. Instead of… getting a legal job selling weed. Damn.”

Special interests in the legal marijuana industry remain doubtful whether there is any obligation for restitution to communities adversely affected by marijuana laws.

“It’s important for us to ‘weed’ out the unsavory elements,” chuckled Dan Katzenburg, CEO of Grass TACs Dispensaries. “Look at our flagship shop in Bed-Stuy, historically a dangerous, poor, drug-infested neighborhood, now a thriving community of upper-middle class transplants. We want weed to do what real estate did to New York — irreparably alter the landscape by installing inorganic infrastructure at the expense of the working class. We don’t have room for reprobates with no respect for the law. The law is not meant to be broken, the law is meant to be exploited by big business until it’s deemed inconvenient and altered.”

As marijuana is increasingly legalized in the U.S., the question remains how to deal with those incarcerated for marijuana related crimes.

“Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean we shouldn’t criminalize those associated with it,” contends acting drug tsar Regina LaBelle. “If people wanted to sell drugs, they should have spent millions of dollars lobbying until it was legal. And if people are having trouble finding work, there are numerous unpaid labor opportunities at various state and federal facilities. Remember, crime doesn’t pay. Legislating around and creating a punitive system for crime does pay.”

At press time, the Grass TACs board had voted to require mandatory drug testing for all employees.

My Snowflake Son Won’t Stop Calling My Hilarious College Pranks “Sexual Assault”

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

College kids these days can’t take a joke! Joe Rogan says so in every episode. With my eldest boy headin’ off to college, I needed to crack a couple a’ cold ones and pass down the handbook of all the sickest college pranks. Panty Raids, Shower Cams, Teabagging; they didn’t call me the ‘Nut Ninja’ for nothin’! I didn’t wanna believe Mr. Rogan, but like two minutes into our first ever man-to-man conversation, he starts throwin’ around words like ‘sexual assault’!

Accusations like that can ruin a man’s life! We were the funniest dudes you’d ever wanna drop Jager bombs and root through girls’ panty drawers with, but we weren’t criminals! Sure, the cops came, but once those chicks knew they’d never get invited to another party, and the cops saw we were good kids, they knew not to fuck up our whole future over innocent little pranks.

Sexual assault?! I never drugged nobody! But hey, if you fell asleep in the Tri-State area between ‘99 and ‘03, chances are you had my nuts all up in your grill, boyeee. Portable CD player in one hand, deez nutz in the other, and boom! You woke up to the sweet sounds of Eazy E’s Nuts On Ya Chin, and the sweet smell of my nuts on ya chin! It wasn’t gay or nothin’, just how it was in my day. What should I do, wake him up and ask for consent to put my nuts on his forehead? Then what, ask those girls to let me film them showering? Where’s the prank in that?

When did kids today get so sensitive? I guess they missed out on Jackass, and it’s a shame too, cus I want him to have a bangin’ college experience like me. But using words like ‘rape culture’ and ‘toxic masculinity’ like he’s a chick or something, he’s gonna get his ass kicked. What next, you’re gonna tell me our ‘Asian’ and ‘Ghetto’ themed parties were racist? They’re just themes, bro, like mermaids or zombies!

It’s actually pretty messed up of him to try and make me feel bad about my best memories. Think about it, if what I did could now be considered sexual assault, then I would have to reconcile that with the things I did and feel horrible. That’s a bad prank, son!

I dunno, maybe I should’ve talked to him more before his snowflake friends turned him. But don’t worry, I took these gems to his twelve year old brother! The kid was laughin’ his ass off! So, have fun at college with your Call of Duty and protests or whatever. It’s not like you can even get laid anymore with all this #metoo stuff!

REPORT: Mic Stand Fucking Sucks

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — The lone mic stand at music venue The Kick Drum in eastern Los Angeles “fucking blows” and won’t stop drooping down seconds after tightening it, according to multiple reports from disgruntled performers.

“I’m usually a peaceful, chill person: I go to yoga and smoke a worrisome amount of weed,” explained Rebecca Cox, a psych-folk artist scheduled to play tonight. “But no breathing exercise can help me contain my rage while tightening this goddamn K&M mic stand for the twelfth time, only to watch it sag down in slow motion. My fingers hurt and I’m supposed to play a 12-string acoustic guitar tonight!”

“I asked at sound check if they had another mic stand,” Cox continued while a vein near her eye bulged out boldly. “The sound engineer said they did, but of course it’s missing its fucking mic clip, so it’s worthless. Just like every mic stand. They all suck.”

Musicians aren’t the only ones who struggle with the ever-faulty König & Meyer microphone stand.

“I host an open-mic comedy night here every 3rd Wednesday, and I fully attribute our empty crowds to that shitty mic stand,” explained comedian Maxwell Comb. “That thing is one-third of all the props necessary for stand-up, the others being the mic and stool. If all three aren’t perfect, the crowd can feel the weird vibe and won’t laugh at my solid Paris Hilton jokes that killed back in 2004.”

For its part, the mic stand defended its ability to hold a microphone and questioned users’ expectations.

“People are never going to try to really understand me — I accepted this years ago,” said the gunmetal gray microphone stand. “You can’t just stick my boom arm all the way out and expect me to hold it still with just a thumb screw! Did everyone who comes through this venue fail physics class? Whatever. Considering the talent, it’s best no one hears anything at all anyway.”

A König & Meyer representative who was asked about whether the company had plans to create a microphone stand that “doesn’t suck ass” responded with hysterical laughter so strong that it led to vomiting.

Review: Tool “Opiate”

Posted on by Dom Turek

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Opiate,” the 1992 EP from Tool.

If you had mentioned Tool to me a year ago I would have assumed you were talking about a hammer, but in the last four months Tool has become one of the most defining and inescapable bands of my waking life. This is the fourth time I’ve listened to “Sweat” today, and it’s only noon, and it’s all thanks to my teenage son for getting “Opiate” jammed into my car’s CD player right before police sent him to a youth detention center for trying to light endangered birds on fire.

Clayton was sentenced to 16 months at Crossroads Juvenile Center but it seems like I’m the one doing time. Just once I’d like to drive to pilates without Maynard asking “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” and calling me a “Piece of shit.” Sure, I’ve thought about switching to the radio or even buying a new car altogether, but it’s of no use. Once you’ve listened to something enough, it becomes its own kind of tinnitus.

The first time I heard “Opiate” I assumed it was a Christian rock group because of lyrics like, “Jesus Christ why don’t you save my life now,” and “My God’s will becomes me when he speaks.” I was almost convinced all those times we dragged Clayton to church kicking and screaming and threatening to kill us in our sleep had paid off, but then the song ended with Maynard and Jesus planning to rape someone and I realized I was in for a long ride to work.

I relish the stolen moments between song changes and imagine something more wholesome playing, like Karen Carpenter of The Beach Boys, but then the chaotic baseline creeps in and a strained voice starts loosely outlining the ideals of Marxism, and I’m hurdled back to reality. Sometimes I wish Clayton had jammed his Papa Roach CD in here instead.

Last week I pulled up to my great aunt’s memorial service while “Jerk Off” blared from the car windows and I realized my life could be separated into before and after “Opiate” was jammed into my Toyota Camry. Those six tracks repeat in my head whether I’m in the car or not, which is something I can only liken to water torture, and for this, I must admit “Opiate” is the single most influential album of my entire life.

Score: 4/4 dead songbirds

/**/