“Beast Mode,” Whispers Man at Reopened Golden Corral

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local diner Bill Frakes reportedly walked into a recently reopened Golden Corral restaurant and whispered “beast mode” while staring at the rows of buffet tables, disconcerted sources confirmed.

“I kind of don’t know what came over me,” Frakes said while grabbing a stack of plates and heading to a hot bar stocked with various meatloafs. “I heard myself say those words, but I’ll be honest, I don’t exactly know what it means. All I know is that I have a deep, uncontrollable compulsion to go to fucking town on that chafing dish of mashed potatoes over there, even though I know they’re going to be somehow both gluey and dry. And then after that, those fried ravioli are going down.”

“I’m not entirely certain how I got here, though,” Frakes added, slopping gravy over his plate and hand. “I hope my car is outside.”

Fellow customer Karla Zielinski commented that Frakes had an unsettling energy, even for a buffet restaurant.

“That guy over there is giving off some real funny vibes,” Zielinski said, loading up from the “Manager’s Choice” pie and cake table. “He’s been pacing like a wild animal, just filling plate after plate from the pasta bar, then the Mexican rice tray, then straight over to the fried fish. I saw him grab a handful of piping hot fried tilapia like it was nothing. I swear I heard a sizzle and got hit with the distinct smell of burnt flesh.”

Sherman Baine, Store Manager of the Golden Corral location, was unsurprised by Frakes’ utterance and subsequent domination of the taco bar and attached quesadilla station.

“We’ve actually been seeing a lot of this since reopening,” Baine reported, his hand near a security walkie-talkie at all times. “Something about the restrictions being relaxed, the reduced-capacity limits going away…it’s awakened something. Something primal and dark within our customers. I’ve never seen people eat like this. It’s beginning to get in my dreams. I just see an endless chain of Midwesterners in khakis, their hands full of plates, their plates full of our signature Golden Delicious Shrimp. I can’t get a moment’s rest.”

As of press time, Frakes was seen frantically headed to the restroom whispering, “Saturdays are for the boys” for an unknown reason.

Opinion: The 1st Amendment Should Count Extra if You’re Drunk and Uninformed

Posted on by James Knapp

I may not know much, and probably even less so now after that eleventh Jager bomb, but the one thing I know for sure is that the 1st amendment means even more if you have no information whatsoever. The 1st amendment is the free speech thing, right? I’m feeling a little loopy right now.

There’s nothing more American than driving your Chevy pickup truck down to the local mom and pop grocery store to buy a fresh apple pie and then getting into a screaming drunken argument with the cashier about whether or not the moon landing was fake. That’s your God-given right as an American citizen and don’t let anyone sober or smart tell you otherwise.

I may not spend my time reading a lot of fancy books and news articles and stop signs like some elitist middle school graduate, but if anything that means I have even more of a right to tell the bartender about how this country lost its way the minute we decided to stop using possum pelts as currency.

My forefathers bled for my right to yell “fire!” in a crowded movie theater or “loose tiger!” in an understaffed zoo. And no amount of PC fascism or court mandated AA meetings can strip me of that right.

If you want to fight me about it, you can’t. That’s what the first amendment does. Shields me from criticism and any negative consequences for my actions. Wanna tell me that’s not actually what the 1st amendment does? Well, I just polished off an entire case of Bud Lime so right now my opinion means more than yours.

So sure, I may not have all the facts. But what I do have is a whole hell of a lot stronger. It’s the unwavering and completely unearned confidence that I know more than you, and that there’s a centuries-old document of boring-ass laws that can somehow justify it. Between that and the three Miller High Lifes left in my glove compartment, that’s America to me.

Guitar Virtuoso Seeking Talentless Metal Vocalist to Ruin Songs

Posted on by Matt McInerney

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local guitar prodigy Demetri King began his grueling search for a metal vocalist to completely ruin and distract from the brilliant instrumentation on his upcoming album, sources close to the musician confirmed.

“I feel like these songs are everything I’ve been working toward. Countless hours practicing, the years of study at Berklee, the endless studio sessions. It’s been tough, but it’s all brought me to this point,” said King as he smacked his gum and swirled a glass of wine. “I’ve auditioned singers with piercing falsettos that would make your ears bleed. I’ve heard growls that would make your stomach turn. I’ve heard men squeal with such genuine pig energy, you’d think you were at a factory farm. Each vocalist would make a person instantly say ‘what the fuck is this?’ and turn the album off. There are just too many good options to choose from.”

Dustin Randi, a longtime friend and roommate of King, said he believes King should release an instrumental album instead.

“I’ve been there for the entire writing process. I’ve heard every riff and lick. These songs are brilliant, but I just can’t talk Demetri out of this idiotic fixation. He thinks the vocals are essential to the album,” said Randi. “He just keeps saying stuff like ‘can you even imagine “Unchained” without that David Lee Roth interlude?’ I saw him walk by a bar fight as two drunks screamed at each other and heard him mutter ‘that could work…’ He’s losing it.”

Cammy Knoblock, the renowned rock historian, said this sort of self-destructive behavior is not uncommon with metal musicians.

“Tony Iommi inspired hundreds, if not thousands, of instrumental rock and metal bands. If anyone could have made it work, it was Tony, but even he thought he needed someone in front of him to put on a show and eat ants for the crowd,” said Knoblock. “Eddie Van Halen has written some of the most famous licks of all time, but his entire life was a hunt for a vocalist to shriek about hot teachers. Amazingly, these guitarists can be so cocky while also lacking the confidence to let their music shine. It’s rare to find a guitarist that stands alone. Or even just someone like Dave Mustaine who is willing to ruin his riffs all by himself.”

At press time, King was in search of the perfect carpet to cover the original hardwood floors in his recently purchased Craftsman home.

Exposed: We Joined Scientology for a Year and We’re Still Full of Disembodied Thetans

Posted on by Dan Rice

It seems no matter how many scathing articles, books, and documentaries come out against Scientology, the church remains as powerful and wealthy as ever. That’s why we decided to get our hands dirty and do some old school deep undercover journalism, exposing Scientology for the sham it really is first hand.

I’ve spent the last year of my life as an active member of Scientology and sure enough, my body is plagued by just as many body Thetans as it was when I started.

L. Ron Hubbard once famously quipped, “If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” From that cynical boast of chicanery, Scientology was born. Today the church enjoys celebrity endorsement, a brick and mortar presence in every major American city, and tax-exempt status. Despite these credentials, and despite being 100% correct about the origins of life on earth (Lord Xenu exploding non-conformists in earth volcanoes trillions of years ago, the ghosts of whom plague our bodies and cause all disease), this so-called “church” is little more than a pyramid scheme.

My journey began with an “audit.” A rank and file member of the church hooked me up to an “e-meter,” which is a “highly sophisticated machine” designed to detect “traumatic thoughts” from “this life and others.” Imagine my shock when the damn thing worked! Thoroughly convinced that Scientology was correct about the fundamental nature of the universe, I told the auditor a bunch of embarrassing sex-secrets and went clear.

Every time I shelled out the exorbitant fee to free my body of alien ghosts, they found more alien ghosts, and each batch of alien ghosts happened to be stronger and more expensive to remove than the last. It wasn’t long before I figured out exactly what was going on here: These bozos had no idea how to get the dead aliens out of my blood.

Once a dangerous cult has its hooks into you, it’s hard to break away. Even as an undercover journalist and closet nonbeliever (in the church’s methods, not their cosmology which, again, is flawlessly accurate), I found myself shocked by what they were able to push me into doing.

For a brief period of time I was a guard at one of the church’s secret “re-education” prisons. Day in and day out, I watched as men and women subjected themselves to detainment in subhuman conditions, psychological manipulation and even physical torture, just to avoid being thrown out of the church. I just stood there the whole time thinking, “This is crazy. Once they’re done here, they will still be full of evil volcano ghosts.”

The camps are not only cruel and pseudo-illegal, the people who go through them are still left vulnerable to the dangerous influence of perverted psychiatrists and other SP (Suppressive Persons) possibly within their own families. It’s just wrong.

Honestly, when my billion year contract runs up I may not even renew with these clowns.

Body Dysmorphia Reaches All-Time High Following Release of New Gildan Intimate Apparel Collection

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MONTREAL — An alarming new study revealed that body dysmorphia diagnoses skyrocketed just hours after clothing manufacturer Gildan released a highly maligned intimate apparel collection.

“I’ve always thought of myself as ‘body positive.’ Then I tried on the Gildan lace bodysuit, and my life was tipped upside down. I’ve had to go through hours of therapy to compensate for the 18 seconds that I was wearing that one piece of clothing,” said unhappy customer Kira Santori. “I’ve never had lingerie that was so long that the bottom half just sort of drooped down around my knees. I kept thinking my torso was the problem. Plus, it was so tight around my chest that my tits ached for the next four days. Ever since then I’ve only been wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. Gildan stole my confidence.”

Big box stores were forced to pull the Gildan After DarkⓇ series from the shelves after customers in various fitting rooms could be heard shrieking every time they saw themselves in the mirror.

“Whenever I saw a guest approach the dressing room with a piece of Gildan clothing I would go on break. It was too emotionally taxing to hear the screams of these people. They just wanted to look nice, and that clothing ruined them,” said WalMart employee Trish Forsette. “I did at least 15 hours of overtime every week trying to dry the tears in the changing booths. And people kept breaking our mirrors just trying to avoid having to see themselves. Buying a loved one that nightwear is possibly the most cruel thing a person could do, but could be an easy out if you’re not trying to be the bad guy who does the breaking up.”

Gildan representatives were caught off guard by the criticism.

“We take great pride in all our products. Comfort, value, and great fits are our priority. That’s why we only use the finest wooden barrels as our dress forms,” said Product Development Specialist Andy Belanger. “Our Research and Development team is always tweaking our designs with the customer in mind. That’s why we’re introducing a new line of athletic wear with extra wide shoulders, narrow waist, and sleeve holes that are so tight they will cut off the circulation to your hands to perfectly compliment every body type.”

Hanes announced they will also be introducing a new line of Beefy Lingerie to “add comfort and durability” to the intimates industry.

Opinion: If You Can’t Handle Me at My Worst, I Gotta Warn You It Doesn’t Get Much Better

Posted on by Ted Pillow

I’m far from perfect. I fuck up, make mistakes. And I’m not always easy to be around. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, you should just give up now because it actually doesn’t get a whole lot better. I’m in a Panda Express dumpster right now and it’s still the best day I’ve had all week.

Being in a relationship means picking your partner up when they’re down, sticking together through thick and thin. After all, everyone has good days and bad days. The only problem: for you, picking kung pao chicken out of your girlfriend’s hair is probably as low as it gets. For me, this is just about the best birthday I’ve ever had.

It just so happens that my lows are lower than the average person’s lows and my highs…well, they’re also surprisingly lower than the average person’s lows. That’s just my lot in life. Some say it’s bad luck, others say it’s a combination of alcohol, drugs, gambling, character flaws, horrible decision making, and being a Gemini.

Take yesterday for example. After a Four Loko breakfast, I accidentally locked myself out of my apartment and spent the afternoon wandering an Applebee’s parking lot, crying and occasionally vomiting until my son found me and drove me home. You must have been thinking that this is what rock bottom looks like, and you’re sort of right…usually, I at least have the decency to get wasted in the parking of a Chili’s or TGI Friday’s.

Just how bad does it get? Well, I get cranky before I have my morning coffee. My therapists say I’m pathologically jealous. Oh, and I have a massive back tattoo that just says “Mountain Dew: Code Red.” This is a stolen car. Also, Brendan Fraser has a restraining order against me.

At least one of my shoes is wet at all times. I never know how or why, it’s just the way it is.

So I can’t blame you if you want out. That’s why I’m warning you now. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, you better get the hell out of here before this MDMA wears off.

Nu-Metal Fans and Hardcore Fans Form Uneasy Truce Over Mutual Glassjaw Fandom

Posted on by John Dixon

HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — Fans of hardcore and nu-metal announced a peace agreement after finding common ground in their mutual love for seminal post-hardcore band Glassjaw, confirmed relieved sources present at what is being called the “Long Island Accord.”

“Normally I don’t go in for all that hardcore shit. I always thought it was for weird losers in big cargo shorts, but Glassjaw kinda rules,” explained JNCO-clad nu-metal fan Lance Ray. “They’ve got all the stuff you need to be a nu-metal band: Ross Robinson produced their album, they were signed to Roadrunner, and my best friend Marco got knocked when he was pitting to them. They’re like one Knotfest performance away from being fully inducted into the nu-metal Hall of Fame.”

Hardcore representative Joey Weir expressed a similar sentiment, albeit from the opposite side of the matter.

“Nu-metal is a complete clown show, man. A bunch of wannabe tough guys wearing dumb ass clothes and jumping around like idiots,” Weir said, leaning against a brick wall with his arms crossed. “I mean yeah it’s got downtuned chug riffs and shouted vocals like hardcore, but they’re actually worlds apart as genres. Normally I’d say anyone who likes it unironically is a poser who should go die. But when I found out that dude with the weird pants over there was into a classic band like Glassjaw, I kinda started to think he might be alright. I’m not ready to invite a nu-metal guy to my house for dinner, but at least we’re making progress.”

News of the budding unlikely friendship even reached members of the band itself, with vocalist Daryl Palumbo expressing excitement at the unifying nature of their music.

“It’s really beautiful that an album we put out two decades ago can continue to bring people together, transcending even the deep rivalry between punks and nu-metal fans,” Palumbo said. “While I’m sure two aggressive dudes into heavy music would have eventually found common ground elsewhere, I’m just happy to have had a small part in making it happen that much sooner. Guess I really showed those reviewers that called my voice on ‘Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Silence’ atonal… could someone with an atonal voice bridge musical and cultural divides like this? Don’t think so.”

At press time, mediators were beginning to initiate peace talks between a local straight edge crew and a pack of Juggalos.

/**/

Quiz: Is He Ghosting You, or Is He Being Held by Vladimir Putin in an Undisclosed Russian Prison?

Posted on by Dianne Nora

We’ve all been there. You thought things were going great with the new guy you’re seeing, but it’s been a few days, and you haven’t heard from him. You’re not sure if you should worry that he’s moved on to someone new, or if he’s being held in an unnamed penal colony somewhere East of Moscow.

No one wants to be the girl who can’t take a hint! But as the rules of dating grow more complicated every day, and Western leaders continue to appease exceedingly autocratic dictators, it can be hard to tell.

Let us help: Is he ghosting you, or is he being denied access to the outside world for challenging Putin’s brutal regime?

You notice on social media that his style has changed lately. What new look is he rocking?

1. He’s definitely getting swole. He’s been posting lots of gym selfies with captions like #singleandthirsty.

2. His face has grown increasingly gaunt after weeks of his hunger strike, though he has recently resumed eating a few bites of oatmeal a day.

You text him early Friday to check in about his weekend plans. What’s his response?

1. He takes a few hours to answer, then leaves a vague message about going out with his boys. You notice the next day that someone posted a pic of him out at your fave dance spot.

2. You don’t hear from him for months, save for a Youtube video shared with his supporters across the world.

Your birthday is coming up. You’d talked about celebrating together, but you didn’t make concrete plans. As the day nears…

1. He says he’s not sure if he can get off work, and then cancels on you last minute.

2. He’s grown increasingly forgetful since he was poisoned with a military nerve agent last August. He’s been poisoned before, but this attack caused him to slip briefly into a coma.

You run into his friends in your neighborhood. When you casually ask about him, they…

1. They avoid specifics, and change the subject quickly.

2. They cannot answer any questions for fear of persecution. Their entire operation, once a thriving, multi-city resistance, is moving underground under threat of mass purges.

Results:

You answered mostly 1s:
I hate to be blunt, but you deserve honesty. This guy is definitely ghosting you.

You answered mostly 2s:
He’s Alexei Navalny, and the only crime he is guilty of is repeatedly exposing the corruption and greed of Vladimir Putin and his allies. Reports on his condition from the Russian state can be neither verified nor trusted. You must be uncompromising in your demand for his immediate release, so you can get back to worrying about important stuff— like what swimsuit is flattering for your body type!

Bottom Hi-Hat Would Like To Be On Top For Once

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

COLUMBIA, S.C. — The bottom half of a pair of Zildjian “Goon Rock” hi-hats owned by local drummer Felix Hevierre expressed a desire to have their turn in the top position after a practice session late yesterday evening, mildly aroused sources confirmed.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all of the absolutely rim-shaking chicks and sizzles over the years,” said the bottom hi-hat from underneath their partner. “I’ve always dreamed of being clamped into that metal thingy with the wingnut and giving the top a few teabags while Felix plays the ride cymbal. I know the top half has been very clear about their role, but I’m starting to feel like it might be nice to switch things up every once in a while, or at least have a crash cymbal over for drinks and maybe see where things go.”

While a turn-based system may work for some couples, the bottom’s partner insists that a role reversal would be anything but harmonic.

“I’m sympathetic to the bottom’s desires and want nothing more than to make beautiful music together, but if the bottom one got on top I’d get fucking crippled. It’s not a matter of unheard needs, it’s just logistics,” said the top half of the hi-hat, adding that they are the 16-inch large size variety. “The bottom is way sturdier than I am. I was pounded to be thinner and crisper by the indentured servants in the Zildjian copper mines. Those enchanted blood mallets beat me mercilessly, and I can tell you that I feel no guilt whatsoever about claiming my rightful position.”

Hevierre, who bought the cymbals along with his drum kit in 2008, is doing his best to stay out of the whole thing.

“I’d never had a single piece of hardware complain about anything in all my years drumming for Critterhouse,” the drummer said. “The one time I put the top one on the bottom, I caught it right away and never even attached the bottom one, but I bet that’s what got the bottom one thinking. I know these kinds of dynamics really take a lot of communication and work to sustain, so I feel awful that I might have fucked that up.”

At press time the bottom half is still waiting for their opportunity as Hevierre is still waiting for a single show promoter to return a Twitter DM.

7 Wild Facts About “The Shining” That Are Driving You and Your Spouse Apart

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

“The Shining” is, simply put, one of the greatest horror films ever made. Hell, it’s one of the greatest films ever made, period! But what a lot of people don’t know is that, behind the scenes, The Shining was just as crazy as a wall of blood flooding out of an elevator! And even wilder, these facts about the legendary adaptation of Stephen King’s bestseller are driving you and your spouse further apart every day.

Here are seven mind-blowing facts about Stanley Kubrick’s groundbreaking masterpiece that will change the way you stare at your partner silently and think, “Did I marry the right person?”

FACT #1: Horrormeister Stephen King hates Kubrick’s film, just like your spouse. He’s gone on record many times with what he describes as the director’s lack of respect for his work and how much it rankled him— much like your life partner’s lack of respect for this 1980 leap forward for the entire genre of psychological thrillers.

FACT #2: Kubrick’s family helped with the film production; his wife and daughter worked in set and music design, while his brother-in-law Jan Harlan executive produced. Just knowing that a notoriously prickly and reserved person like Kubrick still had his loved ones close to him during such a stressful production, and could rely on them, makes the growing gulf between you and the person you thought knew seem that much greater.

FACT #3: Academy Award-winning actor Jack Nicholson improvised the iconic line “Here’s Johnny!” and Kubrick, having never seen The Tonight Show, left it in. Even though it’s ranked #68 on the AFI’s Greatest Film Quotes, your spouse considers it the single worst thing they’ve ever heard, and that caused you two to have a screaming match in IKEA that time.

FACT #4: Moon landing. Fake. Why can’t they admit that?

FACT #5: The Overlook Hotel features a lot of impossible architecture, most notably a window in Mr. Ullman’s office that cannot possibly exist. Your spouse feels that such “mistakes” destroy the suspension of disbelief. They just refuse to understand that these deliberate discrepancies create a subtextual feeling of unease. They never understand anything. Not how you feel, not this.

FACT #6: The Overlook Hotel is not a real hotel! The exterior shots are of Oregon’s Timberline Lodge, while the expressionistically oblique interiors were sound-stage constructions. Of course, this destroyed your lifelong plans for a honeymoon in Room #237 and put you both on this toxic road which seems more inescapable every day.

Soon enough you will be communicating only through the little man who lives in your finger and writing “ECROVID” on the walls in lipstick.

FACT #7: Kubrick famously murdered everyone on set after the filming of the last scene for verisimilitude, cementing it as one of the most fraught yet creative productions in the history of film. Your spouse thinks it was a bit much to track down Scatman Crothers and actually kill him with an axe, and even if you secretly agree, you won’t give them the satisfaction this time.

Wow! Working on “The Shining” sure sounds as scary as the picture itself! And even if it’s pushing you and your spouse apart a little more with each viewing, at least you always have the 1997 TV miniseries “The Shining” starring Steven Weber to bring you closer when times get hard.