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The Only Thing That Can Stop a Bad Girl With a Piercing Gun Is a Good Girl With a Piercing Gun

Okay, listen up, snowflakes. There’s been a lot of talk about piercing guns, and how they’re “unsafe” and “put children at risk of horrific infections”. Well guess what, I’ve been working at this mall for six years, and I think I know a thing or two about responsible piercing gun use.

You want to ban piercing guns? Well guess what, bans don’t work. People will still get their hands on them, and people will still use them. Do you want your daughter buying a gun of her own on Wish and taking it to a slumber party, putting all of the other girls at risk, or do you want to bring her here, to Claire’s, where I can safely shove a piece of blunt, unsanitary metal through her earlobe?

Even if bans did work, guess what? This country is built on freedom, sweetie. The Bill of Rights guarantees that citizens have the unalienable right to pierce children however they damn well please. It’s a slippery slope; it starts with the government coming for your piercing guns, and you know what happens after that? That’s right. You’re in a gulag, mining salt for twelve hours a day.

Besides, you’re missing the most important point. When a crazed woman comes into the store and tries to hold your child down and pierce their ear, you’re going to want a responsible piercer like myself to be there. You’ve got an unhinged bitch waving around her piercing gun, threatening to drive butterfly studs into the tender flesh of your daughter, and you’re going to need a hero to stand up and do the job right.

That’s what I’m here for. When it’s your child on the line, maybe you’ll learn to appreciate it. Now do you have any whiskey to clean this needle with or not?