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Senate Pulls All Nighter to Ensure Infrastructure Deal Protects Oil and Gas Industry

WASHINGTON — Members of the United States Senate were up until the early hours of the morning working to protect the oil and gas industry from sweeping reforms in the infrastructure bill.

“We want our lobbyists from all over the country to know that their interests are our interests,” said Senator Joe Manchin, while sweeping up several crushed empties of Monster Energy drink cans and discarded coffee cups. “If that means I have to lose sleep to ensure a ban on fracking never sees the light of day, then you can bet on the significant donations I receive from the petroleum industry that that is what I’m going to do.”

While many of the amendments dealt with potential issues in the bill, some Senators went the extra mile to ensure every right-wing talking point would be addressed.

“There may be no actual portions of this infrastructure bill that address caps on animal flatulence, but facts don’t go far in this town,” confirmed a messy-haired and red-eyed Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa, who proposed an amendment forbidding methane regulations on livestock in between double espresso shots. “If my little stunt can get me on Fox News, I know that my most important constituents, from one end of K Street to the other, will know that I’m willing to put their bottom lines above my own. And that’s what I came to Washington to do.”

Oil industry representatives shared their utmost appreciation for the selfless determination displayed by the senators in question.

“It can be a hard, thankless job that we do, and it’s just nice to see that some people who we pay a lot of money to are thinking of us over their own comfort,” said lobbyist for BP, Dana Oates-Classon. “It took a lot of jumping jacks, music turned up at full blast, and late-night streaking just to keep their heads in the game, but our boys came through, and we won’t forget that. Plus, I heard Schumer was the first to pass out and they totally got him with that hand in warm water prank, which is just fucking classic.”

At press time, Senators were still unresolved on an amendment forcing Ted Cruz to share his travel agent with his colleagues should a natural disaster force them to leave town in a hurry.