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Hormonal Acne Only Reason Woman Still Getting Carded

FOREST PARK, Ill. — Local woman in her mid-30s Laura McMann was carded again late yesterday evening when attempting to buy alcohol after her hormonal acne led a cashier to assume she was underage, according to eyewitnesses who estimated she was “somewhere between 19 and 45 years old.”

“I was pretty confused as to what age she was, to be honest,” said Tyler Jones, a cashier at Victory Liquors. “On the one hand, she definitely still has zits, but she also looks kinda haggard, and I think I saw at least a few gray hairs. Plus, she was buying a bottle of White Zinfandel on a Monday. If she were really almost middle-aged, like her ID said, I guess I’d expect that she’d be busy with her career or kids, or even just a husband.”

McMann reported that she was flattered to be asked for her ID.

“I’ll take compliments where I can get them these days, though I’m actually really glad I’m not in my early 20s anymore,” said McMann of the assumption that adolescence was the only reason she might have a chin filled with cystic acne. “I was so insecure then, constantly worried about what other people thought of me, and really unsure of myself. I still feel all those things, but now I’m mostly too occupied worrying that I’ll be too old to have my own kids, or that I’ll never have saved enough money to retire, which is only slightly less worrisome than whether I can still pull off a crop top.”

Dermatologist Dr. Lisa Wyden recommends that women embrace acne and other skin imperfections, no matter their age.

“Human skin naturally changes as we age, like all parts of our bodies, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Dr. Wyden explained. “The outer layer of skin, the epidermis, grows thinner, which may be the only part of your body doing that after about 34, so you gotta look at the bright side. And those crows feet and laugh lines that begin to appear will make it easier to cast disapproving frowns toward the men who’ll treat you as though you’re irrelevant the moment they no longer want to fuck you.”

At press time, McMann said she was thinking of uploading photos of her acne to her Bumble profile, to see if her youthful glow might attract 48-year-old men who “want kids someday.”