CDC Predicting Second Wave of Hearing From All Your Exes This Summer

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

ATLANTA — The combination of warmer temperatures and the accelerated vaccine rollout headed into Summer will lead to a sharp and dramatic increase of texts from previous romantic and sexual partners, CDC officials announced.

“We’ve crunched the numbers again and again, and there’s just no denying these projections,” said lead scientist Mark Leta. “We’re urging all Americans to take the following precautions in order to keep themselves safe: close their DMs, swipe left when they see former partners on dating apps, and attempt to limit their thirst trap posts to one per week. But no matter what we do, there’s going to be a lot of ‘How have you been lately?’ and ‘Saw this and thought of you’ and ‘What if we fucked lol’ texts in the air this summer, and we all have to be prepared for it.”

Multiple singles report that they don’t feel adequately prepared for another wave of exes reaching out and asking to “get coffee” or “meet up for a drink,” and that they’re only now recovering from the first wave of reconnecting.

“A lot of people don’t remember how bad it got during the first wave, how desperate and horny everyone was. It was really scary. I had exes from as far back as seven years ago texting me,” said Danielle Lewis, a single woman in her late 20s. “Sometimes, I would get three memes in one day. We’ve been left to fend for ourselves, and I really think the government needs to intervene more before this second wave gets out of control and someone ends up getting finger banged by their ex who still thinks skateboarding is cool even though he’s almost fucking 40.”

While President Biden has passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill that does include COVID relief, it does not appear to have earmarked within it any funding to protect vulnerable citizens from desperate exes trying to reconnect.

“We understand that people are anxious and nervous about what the future might hold,” said Marie Burns, a spokesperson for the President. “But there are some things that are a little out of hand. Get vaccinated, continue to wear a mask, and maybe just learn to block people. The government can’t really stop people from tearing their lives apart on a personal level.”

At press time, Instagram was reportedly down nationwide as millions of singles were letting their exes know they finally watched “The Sopranos.”

Cop Accidentally Shoots Self in Mouth After Mistaking Gun for Soup Spoon

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MIAMI — Local police officer Arnold Griffin, a 19-year veteran of the force, was cut down in the line of duty during his lunch break after mistaking his gun for a soup spoon, shocked witnesses confirmed.

“We take our lunch break at Lulu’s Diner every Tuesday since they’re one of the only places in town that don’t complain when officers leave without paying,” said Officer Griffin’s longtime partner Officer Steven Gedney. “It was a pretty routine day. We put our guns on the table to intimidate some of the back of house workers like we do every week. I don’t know what happened next. Officer Griffin must have been startled by a large shadow on the wall and accidentally grabbed his gun instead of the spoon. Since the soup was particularly hot on this day, he pulled the trigger. He was very well-trained in firearms and a seasoned soup eater, so this could have happened to anyone.”

Reforms are already being put in place so similar incidents don’t happen in the future.

“We are going to institute new lunch policies starting immediately to keep our officers safe. From now on, you will only be able to place batons on the table to intimidate community members. Our officers will be required to keep their guns holstered, and instructed to only gesture toward their weapon whenever they want to make a point,” said Police Chief Art Acevedo. “Furthermore, any restaurant employees that serve our officers food that is deemed too hot, or even too spicy, will immediately be charged with attempted murder. If the food is too cold, they will be charged with a different crime that carries a decent prison sentence, probably something like larceny. We are still working out the details.”

Some police groups think that even these moderate reforms will interfere with their ability to effectively do their jobs.

“Our boys in blue need the freedom to properly menace anyone they encounter. If officers are punished for pointing their guns at random people and making a throat slash motion with their other hand, then the world is going to go to shit,” said Doug Howland, leader of a pro-Blue social club. “They are given guns for a reason, and if you don’t use it, you lose it. It’s that simple. Bullets are only good for a few hundred years, so let’s make sure they aren’t going bad on the shelf.”

The black bean soup involved in Officer Griffin’s death is currently being held at the Miami-Dade Corrections & Rehabilitation Center without bail.

How I Came to Terms With the Fact That I Was Gaslighted by a Frog Who Only Sings and Dances When No One Else Is Around

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’m not going to tell you his name. He remains a very powerful frog in the industry, and I don’t want to deal with the repercussions of calling him out directly. I will say that your best educated guess of the frog I’m talking about is probably the right one. For my purposes, I will refer to him here only as M.J.

Look, if the image of a frog with a cane and top hat brings someone to mind then yes, it’s that one, okay?

I met M.J shortly after I moved to L.A., which I would later learn from other victims (so many others) was kind of his M.O. when choosing a mark. He liked them fresh, young, and naive. When he heard I was looking for a creative partner, he showed me what he could do and I was blown away! I remember thinking, “A frog who can sing and dance? Hot dog! I’m gonna be famous!” That’s when the games started.

Audition after audition, M.J refused to perform. Here I was, ranting and raving about this singing, dancing frog, and what would the producer see? An ordinary-looking frog. I was humiliated. Then, the second whoever we were auditioning for turned away, out came the top hat and cane! I would yell, “Look, he’s doing it! He’s doing it!” And as soon as they were back, M.J. would stop and let out a “ribbit” just to make me look crazy. To add insult to injury, as soon as we were kicked out the door M.J would resume his song from exactly where he left off.

Okay, I’ll say he is a frog from Michigan. Does that help?

I began to doubt my own sanity. Every time I mustered the self-respect to say, “This is crazy, my needs aren’t being met, I’m leaving,” he would give me the same song and dance. Literally, a song and dance number. He would tell me I was his “baby,” his “honey.” He could be so sweet — when it suited his purposes.

When things would get heated, he would say, “If you refuse me, honey you lose me, then you’ll be left alone,” and God help me, I believed him. My self-worth was so low at the time, my reality so warped by his lies, that I truly believed no one but this manipulative narcissistic frog could ever possibly love a person like me.

Okay, he’s named after the place he’s from. I really can’t say more.

Over time, he became more controlling. He would always call me his “Ragtime gal” which I believe was meant to invalidate my feelings. If I was leaving town for any extended period of time, I was to send him a kiss by wire. Telegrams are something of a novelty these days, and an expensive one at that, especially if you need the delivery person to kiss a frog. Eventually I couldn’t afford to have a social life, which is exactly what M.J. frog wanted.

Okay fine. Yes, it was Michigan J. Frog, alright?! THAT Michigan J. Frog, yeah. I hope my story inspires others to come forward, but I am putting all this behind me. I already have a new creative partner, a talking dog. I just need to convince him to say his favorite ball player was “DiMaggio” instead of “Ruth,” as this sounds suspiciously like “ruff.”

Forgotten College Radio Station Has Been Broadcasting Same Built to Spill Album Unnoticed Since 1999

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — A student-run radio station at the University of Memphis has been broadcasting Built to Spill’s 1999 debut “Keep It Like a Secret” for the past two decades without school administrators noticing, mysterious sources confirmed.

“The school defunded the station in ‘99 and, according to legend, the last DJ accidentally left the CD playing on repeat and it’s always just sort of been that way,” said former U of M radio professor Terry Goodman. “People keep tuning in and we even made Pitchfork’s Top 10 College Radio Stations in 2015. It is a killer album. Honestly, I don’t even work at the school anymore and I still tune in sometimes as background music when I’m cooking dinner.”

Students at the university are actually very proud of their resilient little station.

“I decided to come here because I found the station’s stream online one night and it was like, the best, most eclectic mix of music I have ever heard on the radio before,” said sophomore Verna Ingram. “It is great to put on when you’re pre-partying in the dorms before going out or when you’re hooking up with someone, but also as relaxing study music. I’ve tried to see if I can volunteer at the station but they never get back to me. That just shows how popular our radio program is.”

Broadcasting expert Shelly Dixon is not surprised at all that people enjoy the station.

“Terrestrial radio is a dying medium, so when people hear something on it outside of Top 40 or Classic Rock, they don’t even realize they’re hearing the same album over and over again,” Dixon explained. “You will be hard pressed to find a college radio station that doesn’t play Built To Spill at least three times a day. It’s no different really than a major radio station playing the same Post Malone track every thirteen minutes in between ads for car insurance.”

As of press time, many students were elated about hearing a remixed version of “Bad Light” after the CD started skipping.

Fucking Big Shot Puts Clothes in Hotel Dressers

Posted on by Rachel Steele

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — Fucking big shot Maria Richards felt the need to dazzle everyone by packing the dressers in her hotel room with neatly folded clothes from her suitcase like it’s “Buckingham fucking Palace or something,” sources confirmed.

“I’m staying in this dump-ass hotel for three whole nights,” Richards said from inside her DoubleTree suite while judgmentally glaring at the complimentary stationery placed by the phone. “There’s two kinds of people in this world: those who have a creased line down the center of their V-neck, and those who don’t. I can’t have all my clothes just stuffed in my suitcase like a neanderthal. How else would everyone know that I’m literally the hottest motherfucking piece of class, and ass, in this entire shitbox of a building?”

Richards’s coworker Ginnie Hunt expressed her disgust with her suitemate, despite also being kind of impressed by her.

“We flew in for a work conference. We’ll be here for two nights, three tops,” said Hunt. “I set up my suitcase by my bed, opened a bag of Doritos, and put the TV on. Next thing I know, little miss fucking hot shit over here starts removing her carefully folded shirts from her fancy suitcase on wheels and putting them in the hotel drawers. She spent the next 48 hours keeping wrinkles and dust off of her button-downs, her underwear, and her knitted sweaters. This conference is in Central Florida. It’s 80 fucking degrees here. I didn’t know I’d be sharing a room with a psychopath.”

Hotel owner Jim Gately had forgotten there were dressers in the rooms and “didn’t even know people used those.”

“I just bought them for the rooms to hold up the TV, a lamp, and a Bible, according to state law,” Gately explained. “The most action they’ve seen is a 7-year-old climbing on top or an unlucky third dude in a two-bed, all-male arrangement, so this is pretty big news. I’m honestly not sure what she’s trying to prove here, though. I bet this fucking big shot even unpacks her suitcase the moment she gets home. Fucking hack.”

At press time Richards was seen arriving from the ice machine holding a personal ice bucket with her name engraved on it in 14k gold.

Conservative Uncle And Socialist Niece Bond Over Hatred of Democrats

Posted on by Josh Klasco

DENVER — An unlikely alliance formed between a conservative uncle and socialist niece thanks to their shared distaste for the Democratic party during a recent family dinner, sources just trying to have a nice meal confirm.

“My uncle is a jingoist troglodyte,” said Britta Moatzot, from the tofu co-op where she works. “But when my dad kept talking about how I shouldn’t be so hard on Biden because ‘he’s a decent man,’ Uncle Guy was the only person that came to my defense. We obviously disagree on a lot of things, but our common ground in recognizing that Democrats are spineless, do-nothing babies was enough to get me through the dinner.”

“Of course, at one point he did ask ‘if Kamala Harris could prove she was born in this country,’ but I just had to ignore that and move on,” Moatzot added.

The uncle in question, Guy Zani, was also surprised to have found an ally in his niece.

“Usually, it’s all I can do to keep my head from exploding when my wannabe Soviet niece talks about her Commie horseshit,” said Zani while installing a new flag in the bed of his pickup truck. “I usually just sing a Toby Keith song in my head whenever she opens her mouth, but when she started doggin’ on the Dems, my ears perked up! I mean, sure, she didn’t mention that Chuck Schumer wants to make homosexuality mandatory for preschoolers, or the other news stories the mainstream media is too cowardly to cover, but she said the Democrats have no ability to govern and that’s my kind of truth!”

Political scientist Dr. Kat Nuni warns that these alliances could fundamentally change the shape of our country.

“Family members from polar opposite sides of the political spectrum coming together is becoming increasingly common,” warns Dr. Nuni. “It’s only a matter of time until the left stops making an effort to win over Democrats and go shopping for other partners. If the Democrats don’t figure out how to get some progressive laws passed, the left will band with the far right. Next thing you know, we will be a country run by extremely racist social programs. We’ll have universal health care providing Tuskegee studies for all. How are the Democrats going to feel when their local Cheesecake Factory has gender-neutral bathrooms that are separated by race?”

When asked to comment, Republicans said they don’t care what happens as long as they can continue committing crimes against humanity with zero consequences.

Shit, I Guess My Depression Wasn’t Seasonal After All

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

For most Americans, including myself, this Winter was pretty freaking bleak. Between the short, cold days, the surging pandemic, and a lack of stable employment, I fell deep into a bout of debilitating depression. It’s to be expected, though, given my usual seasonal affective disorder.

But now it’s well into Spring, the birds are chirping, and I’m laying here in a bed full of dirty clothes waking up from a 13-hour nap. Fuck, I think this depression thing may not be seasonal anymore.

I thought it was the lack of sunlight that was making me sleep all day, but it turns out it’s just the futility of being.

The colorful tulips in my neighbor’s front yard have started to bloom, and that usually makes me smile from ear to ear. But all I can think about is their inevitable demise from a late season frost or lawnmower accident, and the torture of their brief, meaningless existence — just like my own.

Sure, the bright sunshine and 80-degree days feel nice when I do get outside, but only for a split second. Then I remember the sun exposure is probably going to give me skin cancer one day, and I get sad again.

The only thing that’s changed is that now I have the added guilt of not taking advantage of this nice weather, or the fact that venues and restaurants are open again. On the plus side, now that I still hate myself I can keep re-watching “Dexter” even though I’m done with the good seasons.

Every time I try to go hiking, my former favorite pastime, I’m preoccupied by never-ending thoughts that some tick is going to give me Lyme disease. If it can happen to Avril Lavigne and Justin Beiber, it will definitely happen to me.

I’m no psychologist, but I’m starting to think my brain isn’t bouncing back to normal this time around. If I hadn’t spent my stimulus check on McDonald’s and gin, I’d be looking into therapy right about now. At this point, I just hope Summer swamp ass doesn’t kill me.

Mars Volta Fan Pretty Sure He Can Sell Enough LSD to Afford Reunion Box Set

Posted on by John Danek

ALBANY, N.Y. — Diehard Mars Volta fan and Central N.Y.’s third most active LSD synthesizer Nicky Saldano is convinced he can sell enough acid to purchase the band’s career-spanning “La Realidad De Los Sueños” 18-LP set, the dealer announced to prospective buyers this week.

“I need to find some really good dark web vendors if I’m going to hear the De-loused in the Comatorium demos on 180-gram vinyl,” declared Saldano, who has considered quitting selling for the past few months. “Some of my best trips have been to the Volta… and now that I think about it, some of my worst were, too. It can be harrowing to come face to face with family-related generational fears while Cedric Bixler-Zavala wails at you the whole time. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I need this box set, and I’ve got the quarter sheets to make it happen.”

While some fans are frustrated by the box set’s steep price, others are excited to experience the prog-punk band’s catalog in higher quality than ever before.

“This is the definitive Mars Volta experience. I’m overbooking tarot sessions so I can pay off the pre-order on my credit card bill,” explained Amber Kalama, Albany’s ninth-best tarot reader and second-worst inner child healer, according to Yelp.com. “Oh, and I’ll need a few extra bucks to score some tabs for that first time I put ‘Amputechture’ on. It’s one thing to air guitar to ‘Viscera Eyes’ sober; it’s another thing to writhe on your back while fucked up. I need the latter.”

The Mars Volta mastermind Omar Rodríguez-López was a little dismayed, however, by fans’ insistence on enjoying his musical creations while completely fucked out of their minds.

“I spend hours, days, months in the studio to get perfect performances from me and my bandmates. Are you really going to hear the nuance when you’re shitting tracers?” said Rodríguez-López, while mastering a new solo double album written and recorded earlier in the day. “But I get it — I was once young and fascinated by getting fucked up; look at literally any late night TV performance of mine. But trust me that the music holds up just for like, normal listening, too.”

Sources close to Saldano confirm that none of them have the heart to inform him that the box set has been sold out for days, as he is the only hookup in town.

“Baby’s Gotta Do What a Baby’s Gotta Do,” Mutters An Adult Tommy Pickles Before Committing Mail Fraud

Posted on by Tyler Dark

LOS ANGELES — Former precocious one-year-old and current convicted felon on parole Tommy Pickles, now 31, allegedly muttered to himself “a baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do” before committing mail fraud, multiple sources confirmed.

“Bein’ a man means takin’ care of your sponsa-dilities,” Pickles sighed while eating dry Reptar Cereal straight from the box. “It’s real tough, let me tell ya. I thought my front tooth growin’ in was bad, but lamb-lords and eviction noodles are way worse. I started mailin’ these fake in-voyages to old people and it gets ‘em real scared, so they send me a bunch of money. I know that Blocky and Oxwinkle said you shouldn’t steal from the elderly, but it’s either this or work at the mini golf course that looks like ice cream, and that place still fucks me up.”

The entire Pickles family had noticed the stress affecting Tommy due to financial hardships and his inability to let go of the past.

“Times have definitely been hard on him,” admitted younger brother Dill, now a successful cocaine dealer in downtown LA. “I’d say his issues began when dad signed over the bankrupt toy business to him, but honestly, he’s been off ever since the ‘Wild Thornberrys’ crossover. I’ll admit I’m no Captain Blasto myself, but ripping off old folks is just dark as hell, man. He needs to get his act together.”

Before resorting to illegal activity to make ends meet, Pickles was reportedly seeing a behavioral health specialist about some of his personal problems.

“Ze problem is zat ze baby has now grown,” said Dr. Werner Lipschitz of his former patient’s condition. “Ze baby, young Thomas, is no longer a baby, but he continues to want to be one, and it has thwarted his growth. Ze other babies have all moved on: Chucky changed his name and invented ze Facebook; Phil and Lil are operating zeir very upsetting yet highly lucrative OnlyFans account. Zis young man must face ze fact zat his days of being a toddler are no more.”

Additional sources later confirmed that former Nicktoon Doug Funnie is a person of interest in the ongoing investigation into the disappearance of Patti Mayonnaise.

Vaccine Side Effects Excuse Enters Third Week

Posted on by Krissy Howard

AMES, Iowa — Somewhat recently vaccinated woman Teresa Faison entered her third week of using the potential side effects of the Pfizer inoculation to avoid various responsibilities, according to sources that wish she would just act like an adult for once.

“Honestly, this vaccine is a dream come true, and I cannot express how thankful I am to the scientists and whoever else worked around the clock to make this thing a reality,” Faison said of the fast-tracked medical breakthrough used to prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus. “Just when it seemed like things were gonna start opening up and I might have to go back into the office or put on shoes again, here comes this shot that totally knocks you on your ass for anywhere from one day to probably six months, maybe longer. Who knows? We’re all in this together.”

Those close to Faison report feeling irritated and kind of pissed that they didn’t think of this also.

“For three weeks now she’s been complaining about a ‘brutal’ headache anytime I mention anything about the new client I’m trying to assign out, and is still claiming that the arm she got injected in hurts so bad she can hardly move it,” said Faison’s boss and fully vaccinated person, Martha Cormier. “The fucked up thing is that this is only her first part of the dose. You’re not even supposed to feel anything from that one. But she’s had one of those ‘out of the office’ emails set up for weeks.”

Since Faison’s remarkable reaction to the vaccination, several others in her life have reported experiencing similar symptoms.

“Yeah, I don’t know about you but this vaccine thing really sent me spinning,” said Faison’s close friend and local cashier who has called out of his last eight shifts, Marco Mead. “It’s like all I can do is lay around, eat delivery, and watch TV and stuff. Talking on the phone when my landlord calls hurts my neck for some reason, and my bones randomly start to feel like they are going to explode so driving to my friend’s baby shower last week was absolutely out of the question. This thing is no joke, but you do what you gotta do for the greater good of the world and shit.”

At press time, Faison had used up all of her sick, personal, and vacation time one day before her second scheduled dose.

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