Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Top 5 Songs You Were Excited To Show Your Boyfriend Until He Kept Talking During Them

Posted on April 29, 2021 by Heather Cook

A relationship is a lot like a mixtape. You put a ton of time and effort into making something wonderful to share with the love of your life and, right in the middle of your favorite part, they say something so fucking infuriating that you are no longer interested in sharing it with them.

Let’s take a listen to five songs you were excited to show your boyfriend until he ran his dumbass mouth. By the way, these are just examples, and by no means reflect any real people or relationships.

“Let’s Get Lost” by Elliott Smith – It’s you and your boyfriend Brendan’s one-year anniversary, and you thought it would be romantic to give him a mixtape of endearing songs. You thought wrong! What should have been a wonderful moment in the park was hijacked by Brendan’s monologue on the “ever-expanding landscape of sixth wave emo.” Sixth wave emo? Pretty sure he just made that up. You try to ask him but he relentlessly keeps talking over you.

“Two Slow Dancers” by Mitski – Fast forward a few days after the anniversary fiasco and you’re feeling blue because you’re living in a dumpster-fire pandemic and your boyfriend Brendan utterly sucks. You decide to be vulnerable with Brendan by showing him your go-to sad girl jam, but the intimate moment you imagined is crushed by his commentary on how he thinks Mitski is an industry plant. Your already sad moment just got a whole lot sadder, thanks to Brendan’s sexist blasphemy.

“A Better Place, a Better Time” by Streetlight Manifesto – Quarantining in your childhood home has you feeling super sentimental for your early skater days in high school. You want to indulge the nostalgia by sharing a ska-punk classic with your boyfriend Brendan, but he only sees this as an opportunity to flex his useless trivia. Because what’s sexier than your boyfriend giving you a history lesson on Victory Records? Truly every girl’s wet dream, at least according to Tony Brummel.

“Tuesday Moon” by Neutral Milk Hotel – You thought it would be sweet to show your boyfriend a deep cut song by one of your shared favorite bands, but honey, you’re digging your own grave. Brace yourself for Brendan’s pretentious theorizing on the Neutral Milk Hotel hiatus! And if that isn’t attractive enough, he will even try to embarrass you by quizzing you on the names of their unreleased demos. At this point, you should really know better than to show him any music at all.

“Don’t Need You” by Bikini Kill – You’ve had enough. You’re so fed up with Brendan’s pompous rants that it’s beyond time to dump him. You play Bikini Kill on the car stereo to fuel yourself with riot grrrl adrenaline before you dump his poser ass, but he doesn’t even notice you’re breaking up with him because he’s too busy trying to explain the complicated relationship between Kathleen Hanna and Kurt Cobain. Boy, bye!

Neighbors Call to Complain About Eddie Vedder Howling at Moon Again

Posted on April 29, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

SEATTLE — Seattle Police responded to a noise complaint at the home of Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder last night after neighbors complained he was once again howling at the moon from his roof.

“I’m fed up with this shit happening night after goddamn night,” said exasperated neighbor Lisa Weinstein. “I’ve done everything to try and avoid involving the authorities, but I’ve gone over there to address him about this weekly and it’s still happening. Every fucking night, I’m jolted out of bed by him howling ‘Even Flow’ at the top of his lungs like some kind of goddamn feral dog. As a Pearl Jam fan, I was excited about living next to him… but if I’d known what I’d be putting up with, I’d have told the realtor to shove the deed up his ass.”

The Vedder household expressed sympathy for their neighbors and said they were doing everything possible to fix the situation.

“I understand their frustration, and I… Eddie! Get back in the fucking house. I’m not telling you again,” said Vedder’s wife Jill McCormick while chasing the frontman around the front yard after he got loose again.

“I’m at my wits end with this,” she confided after confining Vedder back inside. “I have to get up to let him out every night, and he promises me he’s not going to scream ‘Yellow Ledbetter’ from the roof… but each night, I’m out there freezing my goddamn ass off to get him back inside before the neighbors call the cops. I’ve tried everything from crate training to sticking his head in a bucket of water. If this doesn’t work, I’m going to have to get his vocal cords snipped.”

For his part, Vedder insisted that this was a part of his nightly ritual to communicate his well-being with Pearl Jam fans in the Seattle area.

“What people don’t understand is I have to do this, for the sake of all Pearl Jam fans out there,” said an apologetic Vedder. “With Cobain, Staley, and Cornell gone, I’m the last of the Seattle frontmen, and I know grunge fans need the reassurance that I’m doing alright. I feel like the internet lacks the personal touch, and it’s been hard to get out and about with the pandemic, so I figure singing ‘Alive’ from my roof on a moonlit night is the best way to do it.”

McCormick is reportedly looking to start a support group with the families of Scott Stapp and Chad Kroeger.

Stoned Kevin Smith Still Answering First Question Four Hours into Q and A

Posted on April 28, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

DELRAY BEACH, Fla. — Stoned-out-of-his-gourd movie director and podcaster Kevin Smith is still answering the first question of a Q and A nearly four hours after it was asked, and is refusing to let anyone leave the venue until he’s finished.

“The Q and A hadn’t even really started. He walked on stage and a theater employee asked if he had enough water, and Kev screamed ‘Okay, man’ and just went off. He’s been talking so long I’m not even sure what day it is anymore,” said attendee Kimora Fischer while checking to see if she could escape through a fire exit without setting off an alarm. “To be honest, I only know Kevin as the ‘Clerks’ guy, so at first I thought this is just what he does. At one point he mentioned the CW show ‘The Flash’ and then cried for ten minutes and I thought that was it. But then he recovered and started telling stories about Bruce Willis again.”

Smith’s co-host for the evening, Jason Mewes, explained that although somewhat alarming, the behavior was not atypical.

“A former junkie can always spot one of our own. Kev is clearly on a bender right now. Not the weed, that shit’s not addicting. I’m talking about speaking on stage,” said Mewes while sneaking back to the green room to film a Twitch stream. “It’s best to let him get it out of his system. Besides, it makes my job easy as hell. As long as I’m around when he needs me to scream ‘snootchie bootchies’ or tuck my dick between my legs, I get paid.”

Local police were eventually called after an audience member allegedly injured herself.

“Apparently someone in the crowd tried to slice her own throat after Mr. Smith started telling the story about eating his wife’s ass for the seventh time,” said deputy police chief Rory Dickerson. “While paramedics were able to attend to the injured person, several members of the ‘Tell-em Steve Dave’ podcast had barricaded the doors, insisting that we must let the director finish his Prince anecdote. Apparently any sudden movement may cause the heavily-stoned Smith to suffer another heart attack.”

At press time, authorities were finally able to end the standoff after posing as Twitter followers of Smith’s and convincing him to immediately start writing the script to “Tusk 2.”

Mama Celeste Canonized as Patron Saint of Giving Up

Posted on April 28, 2021 by Krissy Howard

VATICAN CITY — Local personal pizza and source of calories for millions, Mama Celeste, was canonized into sainthood during a small ceremony earlier today and is now to be revered as the Patron Saint of Giving Up on Pretty Much Everything, weeping sources confirmed.

“For years, Mama Celeste has been a beacon of light in the darkness for many,” stated Catholic Church head Pope Francis. “Sad, braless people in pants with no buttons have shuffled down the frozen food sections of grocery stores in search of an answer time and again, and have always been able to depend on the warm, inviting smile and sparsely decorated cheese shavings of a Celeste pizza for one. Calling them toward her with the giant, orange $.99 sticker somewhere on the front of the box, many a hungry soul found 10 to 15 minutes of satiation.”

Saint Celeste followers were indifferent to the news, much like many things in their barely functional lives.

“I know I need food to survive or my body will start eating itself or something, but most of the time I’m not willing to do anything more than tear off plastic with my teeth and toss something right on the oven rack, no baking sheet or any of that shit,” said sad person Valeri Estep. “Fortunately, those are the entire cooking instructions for one of those little pizzas, without which I probably wouldn’t be standing here today. Those red and green reconstituted peppers on the deluxe are likely the only source of vitamins I get, and I know they are protecting me.”

The Catholic Church recently announced plans to welcome additional figures into sainthood.

“In addition to Saint Celeste, we intend to honor others who have been leaned on in times of great need,” Church spokesperson Leona Peretti explained. “Set of Ankle Weights is now the Patron Saint of Failed New Year’s Resolutions, and to stick with our on-brand theme of internalized guilt, The $10 Birthday Check from Your Grandmother will be canonized as the Patron Saint of Meaning to Call But Have Just Been So Busy.”

At press time, a devout Saint Celeste follower was seen on her knees under the light of a microwave oven heating a tiny pizza, seemingly too shitfaced to stand up.

Photo courtesy of NBC26.

You Know What WebMD? You’re The One With Crohn’s

Posted on April 28, 2021 by Ryan Danley

Look at Mr. WebMd, acts like such a smarty pants. But let’s get real: you’re a one-trick pony. I am a little tired? Oh, you have Crohn’s. I have an ache in my shoulder? Shit, probably Crohn’s. My friend left me on read. Most definitely fucking Crohn’s! You know what, if you love Crohn’s so much, MAYBE YOU’RE THE ONE WITH CROHN’S!

The other day I went out and felt super bloated. I could barely make it through a store without a very embarrassing moment. And so I went home, hoping to get some information that would help me out. And WebMD goes with the ole standby.

You know how much I would love to get a reading of Ulcerative Colitis? Or maybe a Chronic Fatigue. Hell, let’s go crazy and offer a freaking Vasculitis, just to mix things up. But nope! Crohn’s again.

You know what, WebMD? I think you’re projecting your shit on to me. Your server lagged for a minute? Must be Crohn’s. You got a little backlogged on new data? FUCKING CROHN’S! This is so clearly a cry for help.

So WebMD, how about this? Figure out what’s going on with you before you start trying to help out other people. Someone so clearly hiding from their own problems has no business telling me why I shit my pants at PetSmart. I’m tired of being your Crohn’s whipping boy. I’m tired of carrying your emotional baggage. Maybe I’m also a little tired from lack of sleep. Wait, don’t tell me. Is sleeplessness a sign of Crohn’s as well? Goddammit.

WebMd, I don’t think this is working out. I’ve been in far too many relationships where I’ve been led astray. Maybe it’s not me. Maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re so preoccupied with fucking telling everyone they have Crohn’s that you can’t even see the real me. The tired, bloated, achy, full of fissures, unexplained weight loss sufferer standing right next to you. But don’t worry about me. I got this. Maybe I’ll just go to a real doctor. How about that?

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Fine, I have Crohn’s.

James Iha Leaves Silversun Pickups After Realizing They’re Not Smashing Pumpkins

Posted on April 28, 2021 by Jake Menez

LOS ANGELES — Longtime Smashing Pumpkins guitarist, James Iha, abruptly announced this week that he is parting ways with the band after realizing he had actually been playing in Silversun Pickups for the past few years, multiple sources confirm.

“I don’t know how this happened. Sure, there were a lot of songs I’d never heard before at rehearsal, but that wasn’t really a red flag,” Iha explained. “Everything else seemed exactly the same to me: the nasally singing, the distorted guitar riffs… I guess in hindsight, I should’ve known I was in the wrong band after I kept calling the bassist ‘D’arcy’ to no response. No wonder she kept giving me dirty looks.”

Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan also weighed in on the recent events.

“Honestly, I didn’t notice James wasn’t in the band, either. When you’re the creative genius holding it all together, you don’t always have time to get to know everyone,” Corgan said, relishing the opportunity to hear the sound of his own voice. “I know I have a reputation for being difficult to work for, I mean, work with, but that’s part of being an artist. The sacrifices I’ve made and all the hard work I’ve put into the band over the years to bring music to the fans has been — wait. Who were we talking about again?”

The remaining members of Silversun Pickups expressed regret over Iha’s decision to part ways with the band.

“It’s just a real shame,” lead singer Brian Aubert admitted. “Smashing Pumpkins are our heroes, and we’ve done our best to emulate them whenever possible, right down to the notion that we should do a few good albums before changing our sound and alienating our fans with mediocre albums after that. I’ve always said ‘Widow’s Weeds’ is our ‘Adore,’ so to get James on board just felt right. We always knew he’d leave the band eventually to keep the parallels going. I just wish I’d had a chance to have a falling out with him first.”

At press time, Iha was seen in the recording studio with Pearl Jam, seemingly unaware that he had made yet another mistake.

We Scheduled an Interview With Henry Rollins and J Mascis on the Same Day at the Same Time at the Same Restaurant and I Know This Is Crazy but I Think We Can Pull This Off

Posted on April 27, 2021 by Dan Rice

How could I have let this happen? I was just so excited that either of these guys was willing to talk with me that I didn’t realize my blunder until it was too late. I could try and reschedule one of them, but there was already so much back and forth I’m worried if I move one it will never happen. I suppose the right thing to do would be to hand one to another writer, but fuck that. These are both my dream interviews, and I refuse to choose.

Fuck it, I’m going for it. I’ll just say I have IBS or something so when I leave a lot to change from my J Mascis interview clothes to my Henry Rollins interview clothes and back it won’t be weird. Here goes nothing!

THE HARD TIMES: Mr. Mascis, it’s an absolute pleasure to meet you. Dinosaur Jr. was everything to me in college.

J MASCIS: Cool man, always nice to meet a…

I have IBS.

Oh. Uhm, okay. So, no interview?

No no no! I just mean like, if I get up to go to the bathroom a lot, that’s why. It’s not weird, okay?

Uhm, Okay.

So J — can I call you J? Tell me about what influenced your trademark vocal-fry style of singing.

Shh! Do you hear that? I know that voice. I think Henry Rollins is at this restaurant! Hey, you want me to go get him? We could do like a double interview or…

NO! Ah, no, no haha, sorry that’s just my uh…ah, my ringtone! Yeah, my ringtone is Henry Rollins, haha. Oh, look at that, Mom called again. She can wait.

Didn’t sound like a song. It sounded like he was ordering food.

It’s spoken word.

Your ringer for when your Mom calls is Henry Rollins spoken word?

Yup. Anyway, gotta run to the bathroom J. Be right back!

Cool, sure, whatever.

I dive into the small fake plant garden in the center of the restaurant where I’ve stashed my change of clothes. As I remove the jeans, flannel shirt and Misfits t-shirt I chose to interview J Mascis in and put on the jeans, flannel shirt and Misfits t-shirt I choose for my Rollins interview, it occurs to me that I probably should have taken J Mascis up on his offer to get Rollins for a double interview. Would have solved all of my problems, actually. But, too late now. I’m in too deep and I gotta commit.

THE HARD TIMES: Mr. Rollins! Absolute honor to meet you. Love everything you do.

HENRY ROLLINS: Well thank you very much. Woah, did you run here or something man? You’re all sweaty and out of breath!

Haha oh, wow that’s funny. Uh, no. I have IBS.

Oh.

So, Mr. Rollins…

You can call me Hank.

Hank! Talk to me about what influenced your trademark vocal-fry style of singing.

Vocal-fry? That’s not really what I do. Kinda more of a J Mascis thing.

Fuck, wrong question! I mean, yeah, I was kidding! Obviously that question was intended for J Mascis. Who I hope to meet. Someday.

He lives around here! If you want I can give him a call and see if he’ll come down for a double…

NO! Ah, no, haha, thank you. That’s really too much. What I meant to ask you was, what’s it like to be a renaissance man?

Ha, well, that’s a little grandiose isn’t it? I’m not sure I would go around calling myself that. Is that just what we call any artist who does more than one thing now? Have we as a culture become so zombified and watered down that… Hey, wait a second. I think I hear J Mascis ordering food! We should…

NO! No, sorry, that’s my ringtone. Ugh, Mom, shut up already. It’s spoken word.

J Mascis is doing spoken word now?

IBS!

O…kay.

I dive back to the plants. It is only now as I change back into my J Mascis interview clothes that I realize a wardrobe change was completely unnecessary. I must have seen it on a sitcom and not questioned it until just now. Of course, now that they’ve both seen me wearing different outfits, gotta stick to it. Can’t fuck this up!

THE HARD TIMES: Hey J, sorry about that.

J MASCIS: You changed your shirt.

What?

That’s not the same Misfits t-shirt you had on before.

I look down. He’s right. Fuck.

I have IBS.

Does that mean you shat on your t-shirt?

What? No! I mean…Yes. That’s what happened.

Oh. Well, good thing you had another Misfits t-shirt with you.

Always do! So J, do you feel like your later-day musical output has finally outgrown the shadow of your time with Black Flag?

I was never in Black Flag, man! You really got Rollins on the brain, huh?

Fuck! No, I mean, what I meant to ask you is, does classic rock still influence your approach to guitar playing.

Are you sure you’re okay?

IBS!

Fuck, this just got so much more complicated. Okay, just remember: leave this t-shirt on when you go to change again for Mascis. You got this.

THE HARD TIMES: Sorry that took so long, Hank.

HENRY ROLLINS: You changed your shirt.

What?

Fuck, he’s right. Why the hell did I do that? I feel dizzy.

IBS. Talk about the way classic rock from the ’50s and ’60s influenced your guitar playing style.

I don’t really play guitar, man. Did you shit on your shirt?

No. I mean, sure. But what I meant was, in what ways are acting and fronting a band similar?

Where did you find another Misfits t-shirt so fast? Something doesn’t add up here.

IBS!

Jesus. I can’t believe I fucked this up so bad so fast. Okay, no more mistakes. Let’s ditch this dumb t-shirt, put on the right one and head back. Hopefully J Mascis hasn’t bailed yet.

THE HARD TIMES: Sorry again J, you know how IBS can be.

J MASCIS: That’s the shirt you shit on.

What?

You’re wearing the t-shirt you first had on. The one you said you shit on.

You have to be fucking kidding me.

I can explain.

Save it. I’m not doing an interview with a guy who wears shit-covered shirts. Those days are over for me.

Okay look, cards on the table, Henry Rollins is here. I accidentally double-booked you guys, and I thought I could pull off the whole sitcom double-date thing. That’s why I kept changing my clothes.

That doesn’t really explain why you changed your clothes. And how did you get lipstick all over your collar?

I honestly don’t know.

Okay, well, I guess I can respect the hustle.

Why don’t I just come clean to Rollins, and maybe you guys can do that double interview?

No way man! I know Hank, he hates liars! That’s why he wrote that song, “Liar.” If you tell him you’ve been lying this whole time he’s gonna flip out!

Shit!

I’ve got an idea. Go back to interviewing Rollins. And remember, don’t change your t-shirt!

Right.

There can be no mistakes this time. Here goes nothing.

THE HARD TIMES: Sorry for keeping you waiting, Hank.

HENRY ROLLINS: That’s the shirt you got shit on.

What? Oh, god dammit, why did I listen to him? He didn’t know about the other fuck-ups!

Just what in the hell is going on here?!

I can explain everything.

I have no idea what I’m going to say to Rollins, and it doesn’t matter because here comes J Mascis in an apron with a drawn-on mustache for some reason?

J MASCIS: Good ev-a-ning Messieurs, may I int-a-rest anyone in our fabulous tasting menu?

J Mascis winks at me, but his face changes expression quickly, as if suddenly he cannot remember why he thought this would work, or what he thought it would accomplish in the first place.

HENRY ROLLINS: We already ordered. And this is not a french restaurant. And you’re J Mascis from Dinosaur Jr.

Rollins turns to me slowly with cold, enraged eyes. There is no doubt about it. He knows everything. I shamefully remove the wig I’ve been wearing this entire time for some reason. Without breaking my gaze he slowly reaches for his wine glass, holds it up a moment, then throws the wine into my face.

HENRY ROLLINS: Enjoy interviewing yourself tonight. You’re a real pig, you know that? Come on J, we’re outta here.

Rollins storms off indignantly. Mascis shrugs and follows him. I blew it. I am crestfallen. My best friend, a nerdy teenage inventor from Chicago, sits down to comfort me.

STEVE URKEL: Look on the bright side, buddy. At least you didn’t really shit yourself!

Immediately upon hearing Urkel say this, my real IBS flares up.

THE HARD TIMES: Check please!

Marjorie Taylor Greene Breaks Fundraising Record After Posting Video of Herself Eating Medical Waste and Shitting on Photo of the Clintons

Posted on April 27, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Far-right conspiracy theorist and representative for Georgia’s 14th congressional district, Marjorie Taylor Greene, exceeded previous fundraising efforts after posting a disturbing video in which she ate medical waste and defecated on a photo of the Clintons, Washington insiders confirmed.

“The American people are sick and tired of being told what to do by our tyrannical government led by terrorist Democrats,” said the controversial politician in an Instagram Live video late yesterday evening. “In order to prove to you that there is nothing to fear, I broke into the basement of a nearby hospital and I’m going to eat a bunch of green goo I found in a dumpster. Also, the Clintons eat babies, and I’ve got a monster turd brewing that I plan on dropping right on their faces. Stay tuned.”

Supporters of the polarizing Georgia lawmaker were compelled to contribute to Representative Greene’s reelection campaign after seeing the footage.

“She’s the only politician who seems like a normal person. I devour random gunk I see in trash cans all the time, and it’s refreshing to see a person I could see myself eating chemicals within a position of authority,” said Wisconsin native Arnie Chaulk. “COVID has really hit me and my family hard, so donating money to anyone is tough. But as soon as I saw her rip a complete monster heat spike onto that photo of Bill and Hillary, I knew I had to do the right thing.”

Political watchdog groups noted that much of her fundraising came from standard, hardcore Republican supporters, rather than grassroots efforts.

“Some people see the numbers MTG is pulling in and think this is a groundswell of support, but the truth is she’s just getting dark money from the same Republican backers as anyone else. She would have made that money without poisoning herself,” said analyst Andreas Medico. “The social media posts where she drinks gasoline and claims her fire farts will extinguish the left are good for riling up her base, but those people aren’t even sending her that much money, if at all. She could just do normal, more human things and still clean up. I think she sort of just likes being a monster.”

Greene closed her latest video by promising she will eat the dead fox by the river near her house raw if she meets her next fundraising goal.

Hey There Delilah, I’m Writing About Your Vehicle’s Extended Warranty

Posted on April 27, 2021 by Ben Friedman

Hey there Delilah, I’m writing to you about your vehicle’s extended warranty. I’m a thousand miles away, but I’ve sent you several letters that you’ve yet to extend your warranty past the factory’s cutoff date. I bet you look so good tonight, however, I haven’t heard back since you moved to New York City, so I’m writing you a final courtesy song before I assume you’ve moved on.

Delilah, don’t you worry about the distance, as this warranty will cover your vehicle up to 100,000 miles. For quality assurance purposes, give this another listen and tell me the year, make, and model of your vehicle. Just close your eyes and listen to how I can help you protect your vehicle beyond what the factory can provide.

I know times are hard but believe me girl, one day you’ll extend the warranties of all your vehicles and then you won’t have to worry about the bills from maintenance costs. If you have other cars you want to add, I can do that. My word is good.

I know a thousand miles is far and there are planes and trains, and walking is an option. But driving is still the best mode of transportation, and you can’t risk your friends making fun of you for not protecting yourself from costly repairs. Delilah, I can promise you that by the time we get through processing your non-refundable payment of $250 down and 18 payments of $150, your power-train warranty will never be the same.

It’s not what you do to me that’s important — it’s what you do to ensure your vehicle is covered. In two more years you’ll be done with school, and you’ll still have two years left on your extended coverage.

Please write back the number 2 to be removed from this contact list, or write back 4 to be transferred to another hometown ex-boyfriend to review and purchase coverage.

New York Hardcore Scene to Organize Benefit Show for Victims of Last Benefit Show

Posted on April 27, 2021 by Freelancer

NEW YORK — A local hardcore scene was left to organize a benefit show for several hundred of the 3,000 people who attended their most recent benefit show last Saturday afternoon, according to sources.

“With the world just starting to open up, and mass vaccinations only recently being distributed, we figured what better time than right now to raise money for burn victims?” said local tough guy wearing a Black Flag Matters pin Johnny Nunez. “This is our life. This is our family. This right here is fucking hardcore, and to criticize our timing is basically persecution. Yeah, there’s a pansy-ass flu going around, and maybe a few people got sick at this show, but can you imagine how insane the pit is gonna be for the next benefit?”

Organizers of last Saturday’s event have already begun booking their next show to support attendees that contracted COVID-19 at the same event.

“In light of the recent events that took place at the show we put together, we feel the need to step up as a community and support the people who came out and who are now in the ICU. I’m not sure why everyone is so pissed off. A couple of the people that played the first show are vegan, so isn’t that enough to get a pass?” said scene veteran Jimmy “The Arsonist” Burns. “It’s up to us to show up for our community when no one else will, and we can’t think of any better way to do that than to invite thousands of people to slam, spit, stage dive, and scream directly in the face of common sense. PMA all day.”

Scene regulars recalled similar instances of benefit shows being held to support those victimized as a direct result of attending previous benefit shows.

“I remember a few years back when a pipe burst at a house over in Bushwick, so the house members threw a huge show to help pay for the clean up,” recalled Brooklyn resident Marissa Beautera. “When a ton of people got tetanus, athlete’s foot, and complications from electrocution, we were all like, ‘Well, are we gonna give up? Fuck no.’ We had no choice but to throw another show to help pay down some of the medical costs, fines from the city, and the water bill caused by that show. We raised $45 that day, and we’d do it again.”

When asked for a comment about enforcing COVID-19 restriction guidelines at the future show, one staff member remarked that they will have a rapid test tent set up on site — however, anyone that uses it is “a pussy.”

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