Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

“X-Men” Animated Series Just Not the Same Without Parents Fighting in Background

Posted on May 1, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new report from The Institute of Nostalgia Studies found evidence that the classic ‘90s “X-Men” animated series doesn’t have the same entertainment impact without one’s parents fighting in the background.

“I thought the screaming was part of the show,” admitted fan Tina Ducompe. “It wasn’t until I rewatched it that I realized how absurd it would be for Wolverine to be screaming my mom’s name and constantly saying, ‘I’ll kill myself if you fucking divorce me, I swear to god I’ll fucking kill myself in front of you.’ I guess that makes it a more emotionally healthy show, but it just hits different now. I expected it to remind me of a simpler time when I didn’t have bills, knee pain, or an acute awareness that the U.S. is a global supervillain, but I just can’t get in that mindset without a lamp breaking or door slamming. Maybe I can get my parents to fight over the phone and record it.”

The Institute of Nostalgia Studies released their results following multiple complaints by viewers that the show wasn’t as good as they remembered.

“This may be the saddest project I’ve ever worked on, and I studied cancer in baby dolphins when I was at the Harvard Medical School,” explained lead researcher Dr. Winton Tallow. “Many of today’s adults were raised by TV since their parents were busy beating the shit out of each other in the other room. Ironically, reintroduction of that traumatic stimuli has the opposite effect from what you’d expect; it puts the subject at ease. Multiple test subjects asked me to give myself a bloody nose and yank them out of the room while scream-crying, ‘We are going to Gam Gam’s, don’t look back.’ It broke me when one test subject asked me to throw a dog against the wall during the theme song.”

Additionally, media distributors are keen to capitalize on this new revelation.

“We’ll throw the fights in somehow,” gushed Disney CEO Bob Chapek. “I’ll hire a bunch of hungry actors to get plastered and do some voice over, act like they’re fighting, and we’ll put it in like audio commentary. Hell, I’ll get them to record every known name, and we’ll customize the audio for our Disney+ subscribers. Maybe we’ll offer a premium subscription where we’ll hire actors to show up at your house and fight in a nearby room. You see trauma, I see dollar signs babaaaaay.”

At press time, media executives were trying to simulate a breakup for the bonus features of “Tremors.”

President Biden Urges Nation to Peacefully Allow Law Enforcement to Continue Murdering Them

Posted on May 1, 2021 by Kevin Tit

WASHINGTON — President Biden urged American citizens to peacefully allow law enforcement to continue murdering them following a spike in shootings of unarmed Black people across the country.

“These officer-involved shootings are truly tragic,” said the 46th President of the United States at a press briefing. “But we must remember that these incidents are ingrained in the foundation of our country, and are by no means a justifiable reason to go out and start creating problems in the streets. It’s certainly no excuse to loot a Target, or Walmart, or any of our multinational corporate brothers and sisters. We are a strong nation and we can’t let violence and anger consume us. We must remember the teachings of the great Martin Luther King, Jr., who practiced peaceful demonstrations against this insidious legacy of violence before he himself was tormented and eventually shot in the head by the FBI.”

Law enforcement officials went on the record to applaud the President’s comments.

“It’s nice to hear our radical-left Antifa President finally make some damn sense,” said former Metropolitan Chief of Police and current domestic abuser, Peter Newsham. “This politically correct climate is making it impossible for police officers and hastily-deputized militiamen to do our jobs. We used to be able to murder people without anybody batting an eye. Now everything we do is being recorded on someone’s cell phone, and we have to worry about these high profile court cases airing on network TV. Now the next time I have the opportunity to kill a Black man I have to think, ‘Will this make me look bad?’ before I pull the trigger. I shouldn’t have to live like this.”

Members of the Black community argue that Biden’s comments were shallow and dangerous.

“The very inception of the police was solely for the purpose of catching slaves and harassing immigrants, going back to the 1700s,” expressed Howard University historian Kalil Lewis. “The 13th Amendment may have abolished slavery, but the exception clause within it gave birth to the prison industrial complex, giving the police another excuse to continue their reign of terror. Until President Biden and our nation’s leaders address and reckon with this, they can’t expect anything to get better.”

At press time, President Biden was seen calling Vice President Kamala Harris’ new haircut “ghetto fabulous.”

We Spoke With the Guy From Smash Mouth Because We Randomly Ran Into Him at Shake Shack and Felt Too Awkward Not To

Posted on May 1, 2021 by James Knapp

So we ran into the guy from Smash Mouth on our lunch break while in line at Shake Shack. No big deal, right? That’s what we thought, but when he noticed us notice him it became a whole thing. Anyway, we spoke with the guy from Smash Mouth because it felt slightly less awkward than not talking to him while we waited for our hot dog.

Guy from Smash Mouth: Yo! Hey! What uuuup?

The Hard Times: Huh? Oh, uh nothing. Long line today.

Aw man, hell yeah. I’m radically chillin’ bros.

Alright. That’s good, we guess. We’re gonna go back to looking at our phone now.

Oh come on, don’t make it weird. You recognized me and now you’re hangin’ with a bonafide celeb. Now that’s what I’d call an “All Star” afternoon, ya know.

Wow, so you actually talk like that?

The whole band does! Each and every one of us is an all star. We rock AND roll all day long.

That’s… good. Glad you’re doing well.

It’s been sick lately. We’ve been bustin’ out massive shows all over the place. Totally rockstar.

Wait, seriously? You know the country’s still mostly shut down.

We respect it if that’s what peeps wanna do, but Smash Mouth just gotta smash. We get that there are risks but we’re risk-takers. We’re always walking on the sun, man. Know what I mean?

We really fucking hope not. Are you really not taking this seriously?

Hells to the yeah! We just wrote this tight new record. It’s a concept album about this cool dude who loses his Oakleys at a dirt bike race, and his personal journey to drink a hundred Smirnoff Ices to prove he deserves them again.

Jesus.

Yeah, bro. It’s something really close to our hearts, ya know.

Sure, sure. Wonder what’s taking so long with our order?

Yo that might be my bad. I asked for a Mouth Deluxe special. It takes a while to make.

What in the shit is a “Mouth Deluxe”?

It’s six patties deep fried in porcupine grease, slathered in liquified Fritos, and sandwiched between two jalapeño pork jowls.

You saying that brings to mind the fact that we’ve never seen you and Guy Fieri in the same place at the same time.

Excuse me?! That was over the line. You just blew your chance to hang with a real rock star. I’m out of here.

Oh, come on. Why can’t we be friends?

Acoustic Performer at Vaccination Site Considered Worse than Outbreak

Posted on May 1, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Acoustic guitarist Harry “Wild Child” Kearns caused a mass evacuation from a local vaccine site with his terrible acoustic renditions of pop hits from the early aughts, confirmed winded sources after running as far away as their legs could take them.

“As soon as I lined up I could hear some clown playing a cover of ‘Umbrella’ by Rihanna and I thought to myself, ‘I’d rather be on a ventilator than listen to this guy for the next 40 minutes,’” said Angelo Cortez. “I know that each day I go without being vaccinated I risk getting the virus and infecting my family. But fuck, the guy was doing this little shimmy when he sang and I wanted to fight him so goddamn bad. It was best that I got out of there.”

Kearns seemed ambivalent to the fact that he had driven away hundreds of people who have waited over a year to be vaccinated.

“I think it took a little time for people to warm up to me, but by the fourth or fifth time I played ‘Hollaback Girl,’ I could feel the crowd starting to come alive. One guy on a motorcycle liked it so much that he pulled up right next to me and revved his engine for a few minutes. Everyone started cheering, and it was nice to bring smiles to faces,” said the terrible musician who is universally hated. “One woman had tears in her eyes and begged me to stop playing. She was so overwhelmed by my music that she couldn’t listen for another minute. Fan interactions like that are what keep me motivated to share my gift.”

The country’s leading virologist, Dr. Anthony Fauci, asked city governments to ban musical acts from playing at vaccine centers

“I’ve looked at the data and it’s jarring to see how many Americans would rather die than be forced to listen to a jam band for 40 minutes,” said Dr. Fauci. “I’m calling on local officials to put a complete and total ban on musical instruments within 5,000 feet of any vaccination sites. Just one person with a keyboard and the delusional idea that ‘they need to share their gift’ could cause a fourth or even fifth wave of the virus if people refuse to get vaccinated for risk of being exposed to the open mic nature of the performances.”

At press time, a SWAT team was seen taking an improv troupe who planned on performing outside a vaccine center into custody.

Why Hire a Hitman From the Dark Web for $10,000 When I Can Just Call the Cops for Free?

Posted on April 30, 2021 by Ken Taro

My neighbor has a lawn gnome whose shadow lands on my property. Needless to say, I’ve been researching hitmen on the dark web for the last few hours. Unfortunately, everyone is so expensive! We’re talking, like, $10,000 for one human life. Overpriced much? Well, you know what just dawned on me? I don’t need to break my wallet. All I need to do is break out my phone. Why spend $10,000 on a professional hitman when the police are only a call away, and are clearly happy to do your dirty work for free?

The obvious choice is to outsource the job. For ten grand, I could get a highly trained professional assassin. But for the cost of just one phone call, I can get a poorly-trained “peacekeeper,” which is apparently just as effective for getting this kind of job done.

Ugh. But I’ve already done so much work. I had to download Tor, scour the Hidden Wiki for leads, and check at least 3 references for a reputable killer. Sure, I’d like to pay top dollar to fly a mid-to-top tier killer, but why do that when there’s a perfectly good free alternative at your local precinct?

As far as my specific situation is concerned, my neighbor is a white guy, so I will have to put in a little work. Thankfully, he has a ponytail, which should help my case a little bit. I’m going to put a Black Lives Matter sign in his yard next to the garage that I’ll write “Fuck 12” on. I will also replace his mailbox with a dead pig wearing an “ACAB” shirt. On my property, I bought a Thin Blue Line flag that’s the same size as the front porch. I plan to make a mural of Donald Trump getting a blowjob from an eagle while he tea-bags Joe Biden. For the finishing touch, I will paint the hood of my Mercedes white. Subtle, but effective.

Afterward, I will thank the officers for their service, and then my yard will finally be free of that goddamn gnome’s shadow.

Cash-Strapped Dropkick Murphys Insist Arbor Day Also Their Thing

Posted on April 30, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

BOSTON — An allegedly cash-poor Dropkick Murphys irked fans by announcing that Arbor Day has always been one of “their things” in what was “definitely not” a crass attempt to extend the band’s busy season beyond mid-March.

“Alright, it’s time I address the ugly rumors that our so-called sudden interest in Arbor Day is somehow related to my youngest son needing braces, or my wife wanting to take the family to Disney World over Thanksgiving. But in reality, this band has always been about our working-class Irish American roots, and our admiration and respect for arborists,” explained bassist Ken Casey. “Now, I’m not saying the only way to be a true fan of the band is to purchase an Arbor Day 2021 shirt from our online store, view our Arbor Day livestream, and order a Dropkick Murphys-branded oak seedling. But I am saying that all our most hardcore fans will be doing exactly that.”

Even longtime supporter Dylan McMurphy admitted that the band’s sudden commercialization of the environmentalist holiday seemed like a cash grab.

“I love the group, so I’m buying whatever they’re selling, but even I rolled my eyes at the ham-fisted way they tried to claim their classic tunes were inspired by trees. I mean, just because you mention a wooden leg in ‘Shipping Up to Boston’ doesn’t make the song all about the ‘many wonderful uses of wood,’” said McMurphy while finishing off a limited edition Sam Adams x Dropkick Murphys Arbor Day Stout. “I thought that would be the worst of it. But then the band all put on tree costumes and performed a 20-minute morality play about the dangers of ignoring root rot.”

Despite the backlash, music historian Dr. Darlene Couch claimed that there is precedent for bands engaging in similar “holiday-themed malarky.”

“While certainly pathetic, it’s only natural for Dropkick Murphys, who are so associated with St. Patrick’s Day, to want to branch out. But it almost never works. One needs only to look at Bobby ‘Boris’ Picketts’ ‘A Very Wolfman Christmas’ or Michael Buble’s bizarre ‘Victory over Japan Day’ anthem,” said Couch. “And the less said about The Cramps’ ill-conceived Yom Kippur album ‘Songs the Moel Taught Us,’ the better.”

At press time, the Dropkick Murphys were allegedly contemplating releasing a Guy Fawkes Day concept album in November, to help pay for Christmas gifts.

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We Visit This Legendary Punk Bar Because Our Credit Card Was Stolen and That’s Where All the Charges Were From

Posted on April 30, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

Black Flag, Bad Brains, Fugazi, and just about every other legendary punk band has played this DC bar since its opening in 1980. Not to mention the decades of local scenes built around this punk rock hotspot. Around the district, this temple to alternative music and culture is arguably on par with CBGB or Gilman. But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here because our credit card was stolen and all the charges came from this dive. Well, we’re here, so where the fuck is our card?!

No longer residing at its original location, this counterculture landmark has since moved to a larger — but still intimate — space that has withstood the test of time. The acts and the venue itself may have gotten bigger, but it remains a primary venue for undiscovered punk acts to play. We mean, it must. The Drive-By Truckers also played here, and we highly doubt they were the ones who stole our card and charged a shit-ton of $6.66 drink specials called ‘Satan’s Colonoscopy’ to it.

From music to comedy to dance parties, this legendary bar has something for everyone. Even fucking thieves, apparently. We did run into some people we know. All our crust punk buddies were here. There was Stealin’ Joe, Swindlin’ Frank, Thievin’ Trish, and of course Rob. After saying hello and petting a few pitbulls, we made small talk with the bartender while she half-assed looking around for the card.

All told, the place wasn’t bad. We didn’t find our card, but it’s cool because Swindlin’ Frank got us a couple rounds. Hell, he was buying for everyone that night. He was spending money like he stole it. We don’t recall much else, but we sure as shit remember that we found a sick new spot to drink. Now, has anyone seen our wallet?

Hardcore Guy’s and Metal Guy’s Eyes Meet as They Both Yell “Go!” While At The Gates Plays

Posted on April 30, 2021 by Ryan Danley

BALTIMORE — Hardcore music aficionado Steve Settler and metalhead Jasyn Moore shared a tender moment when they simultaneously yelled “Go!” while listening to “Slaughter of the Soul” over the PA at a local dive bar, wistful sources confirmed.

“I thought it was going to be a pretty shitty time when my friend dragged me out to this metalhead bar on a Thursday night. The place was filled with a bunch of corny dudes with tribal tattoos and long hair yelling stupid shit like ‘Fuck yeah, Ozzy rules’ at each other. They had filled the satellite jukebox with all their wizard and wanker guitar solo shit and it was driving me insane,” said Settler. “Then, something magical happened. That sweet opening to ‘Slaughter Of The Soul’ started, and right at that pinnacle moment, I saw Jasyn from across the room. We both shot our hands in the air. ‘GO!’ Go indeed, my friend.”

While bar patrons were amazed to see a connection between the unlikely pair, no one was more surprised than Moore himself.

“When I saw this dude walk in with his Integrity shirt I figured he was about to start trouble. But after our moment, I realized how much society has manufactured tribal prejudice. And it’s not only in music genres. Cognitive bias distorts my entire worldview. I’m now free to hang with Steve five times a week,” said a starry-eyed Moore. “Our relationship isn’t perfect. He’s straight edge and I’m drunk every single day. He doesn’t like D&D and I don’t want to train Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but we make this friendship work. Most importantly, we learn from each other. Thank you so much, At The Gates.”

Baltimore Hard Music scene chairman Leonard Backlin hopes this is a sign of similar allegiances to come in the future.

“I have spent years trying to find common ground between these two of the larger hard music subcultures. I would argue that the damn guitar riffs are basically the same, so they should be natural friends. But I was met with satanic mumbo jumbo and a haymaker punch. Some things you can’t force,” said Backlin. “To see this happen organically warms my soul. I’m now randomly walking into spots and playing At The Gates. Next week I’m going to try some later-era Throwdown. I’m excited to see how that goes.”

Settler and Moore were unavailable for further comment, as they were busy enjoying an espresso at a cat cafe.

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5 Times I Failed to Pump Up a Jam

Posted on April 29, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

I consider myself a pretty accomplished dude. Though I must confess that many times in my life, I have been called upon to pump up a jam and, in several of those circumstances, I have failed. No less than five times in my life, I was thrust into the position where I could, nay, must pump up a jam yet was unable to do so.

Heed my words and prepare yourself, lest you wind up like me: an insufficient jam-pumper.

Jam #1: It was 2002 and I was at my best friend’s wedding. It was a destination affair in Hawaii, and the day could not have been more beautiful. My buddy James looked great in his khakis and ceremonial lei, while his new bride, Angela, was the happiest I’d ever seen her. Happy, that is, until we all got to the dance floor. Angela’s formerly estranged father had just given a moving speech affirming his bond with his daughter and new son-in-law, when the DJ hit “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry. Emboldened by champagne, I decided this was my moment to shine. I took the center of the floor and prepared to pump up that jam, only to immediately slip, fall, and puke champagne on the maid of honor, thus utterly failing to pump up the jam. James and I have not spoken since.

Jam #2: The next time was in ’06. I was attending a ballgame of my beloved Chicago Cubs against our hated rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals. While buying the first of my usual ten beers per inning, I was informed that I had won a contest to throw out the game’s first pitch! Thrilled, I strode to the mound, full of hastily drunk Bud Light. As the opening beats of John Fogerty’s “Centerfield” began to play, I decided to ham it up a bit and pump up that jam. Needless to say, I immediately threw out my shoulder attempting to fist pump, tripped over the mound, and puked Bud Light on a third base coach. I am no longer welcome in Wrigley Field or the greater Wrigleyville area.

Jam #3: I don’t want to get too much into this one, but in 2010 I had a few brandies and found myself at the bar mitzvah of Toby Herschlag. Long story short, after some friendly kvetching, I shoved Toby out of the way to attempt the dance from Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.” I fell over at the hip-thrust part and puked on poor little Toby. The Herschlags pressed charges soon after that, but like, come on Toby. You’re a man now. Stop letting mommy and daddy fight your battles. Anyway, jam totally un-pumped.

Jam #4: July 14, 2015, I achieved a lifelong dream and got tickets to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band at Chicago’s United Center. I was having the time of my life, slamming both vodka and people smaller than me, and found myself at the front of the crowd. Suddenly, the Boss himself was pulling me on stage! “Dancing in the Dark” began to play, but as I prepared to pump up that jam with some Courtney Cox moves, I tripped on a cord, puked on some wires, short-circuited the entire concert set up, and electrocuted Little Steven. While it was very rock and roll, it was most certainly not a jam properly pumped up.

Jam #5: My latest jam-related failure happened just this year, and I’ll make this brief because I’m still processing. After a night of working through a case of Michelob Ultra on my couch, I had a heart attack. After passing through a dark tunnel towards a bright light, I found myself in Heaven, which it turns out is a massive club where angels dance with the righteous from all of history and God Himself DJs from an elevated platform. And he totally does that thing where he holds just one of the headphones to his ear, by the way. God pointed to me and kicked on the most heavenly jam ever conceived, perfect to pump up in every way. So I immediately fell over, puked on Joan of Arc’s shoes, and got sent back to Earth, forbidden from ever again crossing over into Heaven.

I still live in hope that someday I may pump up a jam and redeem myself, but I admit if I had the chance right now, the amount of sangria I’ve had today wouldn’t make it likely.

Police Union Captain Collectively Bargains for 45 More Unpunished Murders Per Year

Posted on April 29, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

CHICAGO — The embattled President of Fraternal Order of Police Lodge 7, John Cattanzara, sought to negotiate for police officers to receive 45 more murders per year which would result in no charges for the offending officer, disgusted sources confirm.

“The brave men and women who protect this city are under attack. They simply cannot do their jobs if they are worried that they might get put on desk duty, or worse, unpaid leave, every time they shoot someone they feel looks suspicious, or is holding a set of keys or something,” said Cattanzara while finishing off two Chicago-style hot dogs simultaneously. “I currently have officers who are so scared to fire their weapons that they wait an entire .5 seconds before unleashing hellfire. We cannot operate under these conditions. Our current contract allows for 100 unpunished officer-involved killings a year, and that number needs to be raised to reflect how trigger happy the members of our current police force are.”

Traumatized citizens across the city were horrified by the latest police union demand.

“The cops are already the most dangerous gang in our city. They wonder why we run from them whenever they roll up. It’s because we know they are heavily armed and that even if they shoot us at point-blank range with our hands over our head it won’t be ruled a homicide,” said community activist Erika Price. “We tried to enact new policies that gave officers de-escalation techniques they could use, but when it was brought to the police union the members laughed so hard that one of them had to be taken away in an ambulance. Then we all got charged with assault on an officer for making the suggestion.”

Watchdog groups across the country say that police unions are trying to enact similar policies in other major cities.

“In Los Angeles, the police union is trying to negotiate their contract so officers are allowed to detain anyone with tattoos and then make them participate in underground fight clubs all over the city,” said Blue Monitor president Abbi Howland. “And in Boston, they have already enacted a policy that says cops are allowed to beat the shit out of anyone who doesn’t absolutely need to use sunscreen in February.”

The Chicago police union is also adding new language into their contract that would allow officers to consider any Black and brown citizens over the age of one year to be treated as armed and dangerous adults.

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