WASHINGTON — President Biden urged American citizens to peacefully allow law enforcement to continue murdering them following a spike in shootings of unarmed Black people across the country.
“These officer-involved shootings are truly tragic,” said the 46th President of the United States at a press briefing. “But we must remember that these incidents are ingrained in the foundation of our country, and are by no means a justifiable reason to go out and start creating problems in the streets. It’s certainly no excuse to loot a Target, or Walmart, or any of our multinational corporate brothers and sisters. We are a strong nation and we can’t let violence and anger consume us. We must remember the teachings of the great Martin Luther King, Jr., who practiced peaceful demonstrations against this insidious legacy of violence before he himself was tormented and eventually shot in the head by the FBI.”
Law enforcement officials went on the record to applaud the President’s comments.
“It’s nice to hear our radical-left Antifa President finally make some damn sense,” said former Metropolitan Chief of Police and current domestic abuser, Peter Newsham. “This politically correct climate is making it impossible for police officers and hastily-deputized militiamen to do our jobs. We used to be able to murder people without anybody batting an eye. Now everything we do is being recorded on someone’s cell phone, and we have to worry about these high profile court cases airing on network TV. Now the next time I have the opportunity to kill a Black man I have to think, ‘Will this make me look bad?’ before I pull the trigger. I shouldn’t have to live like this.”
Members of the Black community argue that Biden’s comments were shallow and dangerous.
“The very inception of the police was solely for the purpose of catching slaves and harassing immigrants, going back to the 1700s,” expressed Howard University historian Kalil Lewis. “The 13th Amendment may have abolished slavery, but the exception clause within it gave birth to the prison industrial complex, giving the police another excuse to continue their reign of terror. Until President Biden and our nation’s leaders address and reckon with this, they can’t expect anything to get better.”
At press time, President Biden was seen calling Vice President Kamala Harris’ new haircut “ghetto fabulous.”