By now, you’ve more than likely heard of looksmaxxing, the dangerous internet trend where men document the extremes they go to in order to appear more masculine. Chances are, you’ve engaged in watching these deranged incels literally mutilate themselves as a sort of guilty pleasure. Unfortunately, the trend is beginning to spread to other subcultures.
Derek “Squirrel Bones” Leonard, a punk who has boasted about not buying toilet paper in a decade, recently revealed via an Instagram reel that, despite his long-standing crust punk ethos, he has actually taken a shower. Time to sound the alarm bells.
In the normie world, looksmaxxing means doing things like excessive working out or bashing the bones in your face to make your jaw wider, but in the punk world, not wanting to reek of stale beer and vomit is enough to raise concerns about your mental well-being. If you’re a regular user of the shower (gross!), you may be asking yourself, “What’s the big deal?” The fact of the matter is, the skin of a crust punk is an incredibly delicate ecosystem. Just one quick lather of soap can undo a lifetime of balance between lice, fungus, and various bacteria.
Now that he has washed away decades of filth and is no longer surrounded by a cloud of buzzing flies, Derek claims he is attracting more attention from women, but any coupling that results from showering is doomed to fail. No amount of grooming is going to make a lifelong crust punk compatible with a woman who drinks coffee from an insulated mug and has a 401K, health insurance, and a stable future to look forward to.
What are you doing, Derek?! What’s next? Dental hygiene? Non-alcoholic beverages? Moving out of your car and into an apartment? Where does this madness end?
While us real punks sit here in our putrid smell and our missing teeth, the Dereks of the world would have us believe that we’re actually getting too old to live like this anymore, and that this nihilistic lifestyle we started when we were much younger, before our brains were fully formed, is not actually sustainable now that we are becoming adults, and that we need to reevaluate our lives and the choices we make before it’s too late. Pathetic.
If you believe someone you know is at risk of showering, we urge you to do the right thing and get them PBR drunk as soon as humanely possible.
