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Why Hire a Hitman From the Dark Web for $10,000 When I Can Just Call the Cops for Free?

My neighbor has a lawn gnome whose shadow lands on my property. Needless to say, I’ve been researching hitmen on the dark web for the last few hours. Unfortunately, everyone is so expensive! We’re talking, like, $10,000 for one human life. Overpriced much? Well, you know what just dawned on me? I don’t need to break my wallet. All I need to do is break out my phone. Why spend $10,000 on a professional hitman when the police are only a call away, and are clearly happy to do your dirty work for free?

The obvious choice is to outsource the job. For ten grand, I could get a highly trained professional assassin. But for the cost of just one phone call, I can get a poorly-trained “peacekeeper,” which is apparently just as effective for getting this kind of job done.

Ugh. But I’ve already done so much work. I had to download Tor, scour the Hidden Wiki for leads, and check at least 3 references for a reputable killer. Sure, I’d like to pay top dollar to fly a mid-to-top tier killer, but why do that when there’s a perfectly good free alternative at your local precinct?

As far as my specific situation is concerned, my neighbor is a white guy, so I will have to put in a little work. Thankfully, he has a ponytail, which should help my case a little bit. I’m going to put a Black Lives Matter sign in his yard next to the garage that I’ll write “Fuck 12” on. I will also replace his mailbox with a dead pig wearing an “ACAB” shirt. On my property, I bought a Thin Blue Line flag that’s the same size as the front porch. I plan to make a mural of Donald Trump getting a blowjob from an eagle while he tea-bags Joe Biden. For the finishing touch, I will paint the hood of my Mercedes white. Subtle, but effective.

Afterward, I will thank the officers for their service, and then my yard will finally be free of that goddamn gnome’s shadow.