LYNCHBURG, Va. — Pastor Ned Hendry of the New Life in the Living and Loving Waters of Jesus Church in Lynchburg assured his followers that American Evangelicals can still find Israel’s ethno-religious apartheid system appealing without the burden of liking Jewish people, confirmed sources.
“Sometimes, game has to recognize game even if they don’t like it,” said Hendry. “I can be a Bible-thumping red-blooded Christian who thinks the average Jewish person is in a conspiracy against him and still recognize that the Zionist movement is one of the most effective apartheid movements since the liberals dismantled the beautiful, beautiful state of Rhodesia. That’s why I always tell my followers they don’t have to get palsy-walsy with the J-O-Os to appreciate the construction of a religion and race-based ethnostate. We’ll build a new one here. And we’ll do it without those types of people.”
This is a message that Hendry’s flock has embraced with open arms, open ears and closed minds.
“I was so relieved to hear him say that,” said congregant Pamela Grant. “I like the idea of a society that oppresses people based on identity. And I like the idea that returning the Jewish people to Israel will trigger the Christian rapture; an idea that makes almost too much sense. But the thought of getting buddy-buddy with people of other religions and other viewpoints makes me uncomfortable. There’s very little room in my theology for tolerance of others.”
Hendry’s messaging has even resonated in top levels of government, with a senator who chose to remain anonymous.
“It just warms my heart to see America’s Christian-Right begrudgingly pretending to have always been on good terms with Jewish people,” said the senator. “It lets us pretend we’re the non-racist ones despite decades of evidence to the contrary while also spurring on a culture war between Jews and Muslims that should play out just nicely in our favor.”
At press time, Hendry was writing a letter to Congress asking to include copies of the “Ned Hendry New and Enhanced Sing Along Bible” in all the arms shipments going to Tel Aviv in the hopes that “old Bibi might switch over.”
