Press "Enter" to skip to content

Mars Volta Fan Pretty Sure He Can Sell Enough LSD to Afford Reunion Box Set

ALBANY, N.Y. — Diehard Mars Volta fan and Central N.Y.’s third most active LSD synthesizer Nicky Saldano is convinced he can sell enough acid to purchase the band’s career-spanning “La Realidad De Los Sueños” 18-LP set, the dealer announced to prospective buyers this week.

“I need to find some really good dark web vendors if I’m going to hear the De-loused in the Comatorium demos on 180-gram vinyl,” declared Saldano, who has considered quitting selling for the past few months. “Some of my best trips have been to the Volta… and now that I think about it, some of my worst were, too. It can be harrowing to come face to face with family-related generational fears while Cedric Bixler-Zavala wails at you the whole time. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I need this box set, and I’ve got the quarter sheets to make it happen.”

While some fans are frustrated by the box set’s steep price, others are excited to experience the prog-punk band’s catalog in higher quality than ever before.

“This is the definitive Mars Volta experience. I’m overbooking tarot sessions so I can pay off the pre-order on my credit card bill,” explained Amber Kalama, Albany’s ninth-best tarot reader and second-worst inner child healer, according to “Oh, and I’ll need a few extra bucks to score some tabs for that first time I put ‘Amputechture’ on. It’s one thing to air guitar to ‘Viscera Eyes’ sober; it’s another thing to writhe on your back while fucked up. I need the latter.”

The Mars Volta mastermind Omar Rodríguez-López was a little dismayed, however, by fans’ insistence on enjoying his musical creations while completely fucked out of their minds.

“I spend hours, days, months in the studio to get perfect performances from me and my bandmates. Are you really going to hear the nuance when you’re shitting tracers?” said Rodríguez-López, while mastering a new solo double album written and recorded earlier in the day. “But I get it — I was once young and fascinated by getting fucked up; look at literally any late night TV performance of mine. But trust me that the music holds up just for like, normal listening, too.”

Sources close to Saldano confirm that none of them have the heart to inform him that the box set has been sold out for days, as he is the only hookup in town.