Amazing! Disney Gave This Marvel Fan the Opportunity To Give Himself a Terminal Illness and See “Black Widow” Early

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Once again, Disney has taken tragedy and turned it into something we can upvote on Reddit. When superfan Brian McKenzie learned there was going to be a Black Widow movie but he had no way of seeing it early, he found a silver lining: Disney’s well-known policy of giving fans the opportunity to contract a terminal illness in exchange for an early screening. 

“Those days after I first heard about ‘Black Widow’ were pretty dark. But when I read about this child with leukemia who saw a new Star Wars movie before its release, I knew there was hope,” Brian shared from his hospital bed. “Hope that, just maybe, I could fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing a Marvel movie before any other dipshit children get to.”

Brian didn’t have a life-threatening condition at the time. But for the film and television studio behind such feats of animation magic as “The Lion King” (2019) and “Song of the South” (1946), fixing that was as easy as wishing upon a star.  

“I can’t believe it, I’m really going to see ‘Black Widow,’” Brian said through shuddering breaths. “I’m more into The Hulk, but I saw the last one of those in theaters with a bunch of unwashed commoners and thought to myself, ‘I will die before I see another Marvel movie like this.’ Fortunately, the fine folks at Disney were able to make both of those things happen for me.”

A few short months ago, Brian was just an ordinary 27-year-old guy. Now, he’s a guy who’s going to see “Black Widow” several days early, and who has less than a month to live. And it’s all thanks to The Walt Disney Company’s tireless efforts.

“People say Disney is an evil corporation with no soul. That’s simply not true,” Disney representative Mark Santino said. “Walt Disney has a soul. A soul that needs to feed. That’s why we offer the ultimate fan experience. Exchanging one measly human lifetime for a proper viewing of ‘Black Widow’ is quite the bargain, if you really think about it.”

Thank you, Disney, for helping fans cross over into the afterlife. You truly are the grim reaper in mouse ears.

Retail Clerk Feels Sense of Normalcy as Customer Screams for Manager in Her Face

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

ROCKFORD, Ill. — Retail clerk Emma Stephenson finally began to feel a sense of normalcy as an unreasonably irate customer screamed directly in her face demanding to speak with the manager, uncomfortable witnesses confirmed.

“It’s been scary to work at a supermarket during the pandemic,” explained Stephenson, who has been employed as a cashier by Kroger for the past three years. “Changing CDC requirements, confusing local regulations, people calling me a hero. It’s all been strange and overwhelming. But when a middle-aged woman in crocs calls me a ‘fucking shit-for-brains’ in front of a group of children and says she’ll call the cops for not having any more Dasani in stock, things are starting to feel familiar again.”

“Also, there isn’t any more Dasani to ‘check in the back,’” Stephenson wearily added. “There’s nothing in the back. There never is.”

Michael Bashier, the customer immediately next in line, also found the demeaning interaction strangely comforting.

“This is the first time in 16 months that I feel like the supermarket is getting back to normal,” Bashier said while watching the woman claim that her “husband is a cop.” “I still sanitize everything I own, and even though the CDC has said vaccinated people can go without masks in a lot of circumstances, I’ve felt too nervous. But that woman spraying spit and promising the cashier that she’s going to ‘see her in court for this’ makes me hopeful for the first time in a long time.”

Lucy Zhang, a representative for the Chicago Department of Public Health, is familiar with this reaction.

“People are looking for signs that things will start to feel safe again, that we’re finally getting back to where we were a year ago,” Zhang explained. “This is actually pretty common and getting even more so as restrictions relax. Absolute pieces of shit like that Karen are akin to the first blooms in spring, in their own way. They show that change is happening. And even the smallest indications that everyday life is resuming, from going out to eat at a restaurant without feeling crushing guilt to having wild, unprotected sex with a stranger you just met at an Applebee’s, is an enormous relief to many people.”

“Applebee’s is great,” Zhang continued, with a faraway look in her eyes.

As of press time, a crowd of customers and Kroger employees were gently smiling as the woman slammed her purse into the ground over and over.

How to Fake Interest While Your Bassist Talks About Victor Wooten

Posted on by John Danek

Being a musician isn’t as glamorous as Hollywood will have you believe. It’s not all overnight success and invulnerability to lethal amounts of cocaine. You have to play bad shows to empty venues, you eventually need to learn some modicum of music theory, and you may even have to endure conversations with your bass player.

Thankfully, we have a ton of experience dealing with that last thing. Here are some of our best tips for feigning interest while your bassist yaps on and on about “virtuoso bassist” Victor Wooten. And no, saying “slappa da baaaaass!” over and over will not be enough to fulfill your bassist’s unquenchable thirst for attention. Trust us.

Maintain Eye Contact and Have Stock Responses Prepared – Maintaining eye contact with a bassist can go a long way, as they are not used to such high-caliber acknowledgment. It shows that you are in a position of power over them (in case they forgot). Bassists tend to avert their gaze after describing some ‘insane B flat mixolydian lick’ Victor pulled off on a live performance. Try saying things like, “Woah, it must be hard to throw harmonics into lines like that!” Maybe even bob your head while they mouth-sing bass solos to you. Be careful to not seem genuinely curious about learning any more information, though.

Remember: “Victor Wooten” Isn’t Real – Psychologists have yet to fully understand the shared delusion disorder of the bass community, but Victor Wooten is the most prominent example. There is no evidence to suggest that a godlike bassist with incredible music theory knowledge and skill exists. Yet, bassists will swear that they’ve seen him live or in videos on YouTube. There are even cases of beginner bassists talking about Victor Wooten mere days after receiving their first bass for Christmas. Keep this in mind whenever your bassist mentions picking up a new slap technique from him.

Do NOT Attempt to Explain to the Bassist that Victor Wooten Is Not Real – Similar to how waking up a sleepwalker can be exceedingly dangerous, you should never attempt to prove that there is no such thing as a “Victor Wooten.” The fantasy of this extraordinary bassist ultimately isn’t really hurting anyone, except your bassist’s self-esteem and dating chances, but the ramifications of shattering your bassist’s worldview could be catastrophic.

We hope these tips help in your dealings with even one of your bassist’s insufferable delusions. Unfortunately, you will have many more to fake interest in, like whether the tone knob on a bass does anything at all.

Shy Guitarist Gets Black Orange Amp

Posted on by John Danek

TORONTO — Bashful punk guitarist Skyler Vore acquired a new Orange Rockerverb amp last week, but chose the understated, subtle black tolex color instead of the famous vibrant orange, much to fans’ frustration.

“People would think I’m some loudmouth asshole if I showed up with an amp that requires sunglasses to look at,” the reticent Vore admitted while avoiding all eye contact. “Who even buys those? Probably the same narcissists who get bright green Fenders, or put their name in album liner notes. Attention-grabbing whores.”

“Music isn’t about gear, looks, captivating an audience, or being entertaining in any sense of the word,” continued Vore, who often has to be goaded with snacks away from behind his half-stack. “It’s about communicating via sounds. Hell, I tell every venue’s lighting engineer to never put a light on me; they almost never oblige.”

Fans of Vore’s band, The Inexplicably Wet, have been disappointed by the guitarist’s lack of stage presence and charisma.

“He just faces his amp the whole time, and never turns around to let us see what he’s playing. He also had a stack of milk crates blocking his pedal board for some reason — I don’t know what he was worried about with that,” protested longtime fan Cara Haig. “I’ve been waiting for The Inexplicably Wet to come to Toronto for years; if I wanted to stare at a man’s back for two hours, I could’ve gone to a Guitar Center and asked an employee to let me try a guitar. Also, the singer kept having to reach and turn up his amp because Skyler turns himself down. Who does that?”

Orange Amplification’s technical director Ade Emsley addressed the reasoning behind their two options of amp colors.

“Since when in the bloody fuck did we sell Orange Amps in black? Who the fuck approved that? Orange Amps should be bloody ORANGE!” slurred Emsley. “If an orange guitar amplifier is too ostentatious for you, play a fucking piccolo, you nerd. Have fun wanking to softcore instead of hooking up with groupies after the gig.”

Furthering Vore’s mystique, leaked pictures showed him sanding the pointy edges of his new B.C. Rich guitar down to a smooth, gentle angle.

Star Wars Fan Won’t Stop Asking George Lucas How Big Chewbacca’s Hog Is

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NICASIO, Calif. — Longtime Star Wars fan Jon Eaton was charged with trespassing on Skywalker Ranch, allegedly hoping to ask George Lucas if the seven-and-a-half-foot-tall Wookiee warrior Chewbacca has a massive cock, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“I’ve sent countless letters, emails, and made dozens of phone calls, but no one put me through to the man himself,” Eaton stated. “The closest I came was at a Q&A at a convention, but they had security throw me out. I don’t know why everyone acts like this is a pathological obsession or bizarre behavior. Chewie is naked in all his appearances, so there’s no way anyone who’s ever watched the movies hasn’t asked themselves how big or small that Wookiee dong is. The people have a right to know.”

Friends of Eaton noted that his quest to determine the size of Chewie’s dong has consumed his life.

“All of us are getting pretty worried about Jon,” noted now ex-girlfriend Sarah Klein. “Initially it was kind of funny to shoot the shit about the personal lives of Stars Wars characters. Like whether or not the Ewoks get huge, clumping dingleberries, or if Max Rebo uses his long trunk for autoerotic asphyxiation, but Jon’s taken it way too far. I told him he needed to get help and he insisted it was just natural curiosity. Right before I kicked him out of the apartment, I checked his Google search history and it was all variations of ‘Chewbacca penis size,’ and ‘die from sadness.’”

While Lucas himself was not available for comment, a representative for Lucasfilm did speak on the director’s behalf.

“We’re well aware of Mr. Eaton’s demands for information on the genitalia of one of our characters, and at this time have no further comment,” the representative said. “There are plenty of books and websites that are official Star Wars canon that provide a wealth of information about the biology of the various alien races within the Star Wars Universe that may be of assistance to Mr. Eaton. We’d also like to point out that these are intended to be family films and therefore we never gave much thought to the sexual organs of each individual character.”

At press time, Eaton was writing a letter to his local congressman demanding that they pass a law forcing LucasFilm to reveal whether or not Jabba the Hutt has a gag reflex.

Man Who Routinely Gets Blackout Drunk Blames Morning Anxiety on Cold Brew

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local man Trevor Good blamed his morning coffee habit for the constant nervous chatter in his head and anxious feeling in his body despite having gotten blackout drunk on a nightly basis since he was 17, increasingly worried sources confirmed.

“I’m not sure why I’ve been feeling so finicky lately when my morning routine hasn’t changed at all — I roll off my couch or wherever, chew a couple Tylenol, and scroll through my phone to see if I texted anyone I maybe shouldn’t have, just like I’ve done for the last 20 years,” said a visibly shaky Good. “I used to just need a cup or two in the morning, but lately I sometimes have a couple more shots in the afternoon just to get me over that hump and into the evening, but then I start losing track of long stretches of time, which is super weird. They’ve really got to put a warning label on some of these coffee drinks.”

Those who regularly come into contact with Good reported not being confused whatsoever about the actual source of his anxiety.

“Trevor is normally here around 7:50 most mornings, obviously still drunk,” said Beth McKinney, a barista at the Live Oaks Café. “He gets his cold brew, pounds it in one or two gulps, immediately throws up in our bathroom, and gets a double espresso shot to go before leaving for work. He always says the onion bagel he gets is to ‘soak up’ the caffeine, but I’m pretty sure it’s the only thing he’s willing to do to cover up the smell of Mr. Boston on his breath.”

Good’s HR representative, Gary Jimenez, said he isn’t surprised by Good’s excessive consumption, but also can’t really blame him either.

“He’s stuck here until five doing busy work even though he’s out of work by noon, so who am I to judge how bloodshot his eyes are in the morning, or how shaky he is before his fifth coffee break?” said Jimenez. “The kid spent god knows how much on an engineering degree and he’s stuck working at this shithole. This place doesn’t even have windows. All he’s got going for him is a possible shot at middle management, which would make me want to shotgun a bottle of Listerine before heading to the office every morning.”

At press time, Good was seen rushing into the café around lunch time, then immediately exiting after seeing his friends waiting to stage an intervention.

We Asked a T-1000 to Choose Their Favorite Fear Factory Album

Posted on by Mike West

The place: Los Angeles. The year: 2029. Humanity has all but failed to stop Skynet and its legion of Terminators from laying waste to the Earth. These metallic overlords roam the globe, eradicating what remains of the rebel resistance. Their laser eyes now target a new objective: What is the best Fear Factory album? We spoke to a T-1000 to find out.

The Hard Times: First of all, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule of killing us to not kill us today. Before we get into any albums, what got you into Fear Factory and, well, music in general?

T-1000: After we scorched the planet of the vile human scum, a few of us found ourselves with a lot more time on our liquid metal hands, ya know?

Yeah, we humans went through something similar when we figured out agriculture.

WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE! Anyway, we realized a lot of the fleshbags’ music was actually pretty cool. But one band in particular really spoke to us. They were called Fear Factory, and it astonished me how well they understood what it’s like to exist as an evil, artificial superintelligence.

We can see that. So what’s your favorite Fear Factory record?

Well, obviously “Soul of a New Machine” is the standard answer, but I do find that their cover of Gary Numan’s “Cars” really gets my exoskeleton grooving. Laser rifle to the head, I would have to pick “Demanufacture” as my personal favorite, with “Obsolete” being a close second.

Well T-1000…

Please, call me Ted.

Alright, Ted. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with us. So what’s next for you?

Oh, back to the grind I guess. We just got word of some Hollywood producers developing a movie reboot in 2021 that we’ll probably have to go back and prevent from ever being pitched. By the way, I like your boots.

Weakerthans Have Impromptu Reunion at University of Winnipeg Faculty Meeting

Posted on by James Knapp

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Seminal poet-punk band the Weakerthans held their first unofficial reunion since their 2014 hiatus during a recent meeting of adjunct faculty for the University of Winnipeg (UW) English department, highly literate sources confirmed.

“I really only showed up so I could run some lesson plan ideas past the head of the semiotics department. But when I arrived at Manitoba Hall and the rest of the band was already there, it just felt right,” said singer John K. Samson in a voice that makes you want to both punch and console him at the same time. “I didn’t know the rest of the band was on staff here. Honestly, I didn’t even know I was on staff here until recently. They just pushed me into a classroom with a book by Eudora Welty and I’ve kind of just been working off that ever since.”

Weakerthans fans/UW students expressed excitement regarding the reunion.

“I’ve been a huge Weakerthans fan for a long time. I never got to see them live, so I’m thrilled that they’re back together, and also that Professor Samson is grading on a curve,” remarked Composition 203 student Heather Croft. “I can’t think of a single other band that can be simultaneously sweet, morbid, hopeful and defeated all in one song. I also don’t know any professor that assigns this much Derrida. What the fuck is post-structuralism anyway? I’m hoping the liner notes on ‘Reconstruction Site’ have some sort of hints to what the professor is expecting.”

Thomas Cyrenne, head of the UW English department, detailed his experience with the Weakerthans as faculty members.

“I seriously can’t handle this horseshit much longer. They were bad enough as individuals, but reunited they might be enough to make me forfeit my tenure,” said Cyrenne while stress reading Charles Simic. “Don’t get me wrong, they’re fine songwriters. But if I get one more staff email that’s written entirely in mixed metaphors about sad cats, I’m transferring to Toronto.”

At press time, the Weakerthans had begun work on a new album which is actually just a syllabus mostly consisting of Alice Munro short stories.

Five Rockstars Who Became Total Sellouts After They Died

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Selling out is a move as old as music itself. Most rock stars who decide to cash in on their fleeting fame by sacrificing total creative control do so while alive (see: Bob Dylan, U2, or Ozzy Osbourne), but some decide to sell out after they’ve already croaked. How pathetic!

Here’s our definitive list of the biggest posthumous sellouts:

Kurt Cobain
Nirvana’s darling frontman, who famously took his own life* in 1994, is first up on the list. Though he was adamantly nonconformist while alive — “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not” was one of his credos — he totally gave in to corporate overlords after dying and now has a popular Sirius XM station, Lithium, named after his music. Satellite radio is such a sellout move!

What happened Kurt Cobain? You used to be cool. Now you’re dead and rich as hell.

*Allegedly

Janis Joplin
The untimely death of Janis Joplin at 27 years old shook the rock world in 1970. But just three months later, her second solo album “Pearl” reached number one on the Billboard charts! We’re not saying that overdosing on drugs in your late 20s is a sellout move, but it certainly seems to help with record sales.

Prince
The iconoclastic artist formerly known as Prince transcended music genres and revolutionized funk rock over the course of his prolific career. But did you know this eccentric songwriter was holding out on all of us? After tragically dying in 2016, it was revealed that he had dozens of unreleased albums and music videos just sitting around collecting dust in his vast estate. We can only assume he was waiting to release them when the time (cough cough, money) was right. Maybe the real symbol he should have changed his name to is a dollar sign!

Buddy Holly
Decades after this young rocker died in a plane crash, Weezer named a song after him. Do we need to say more?

Iggy Pop
While the “Godfather of Punk” is technically still alive, we put him on the list because it’s pretty obvious his looming death is gonna be a windfall for the music industry. Rumor has it his agent has already booked Travis Barker and Post Malone to play at his funeral.

REPORT: Half of People Who Went to Placebo Show Only Thought They Did

Posted on by Matt Wassung

BOSTON — A report from the Berklee College of Music showed that half of the attendees at a recent Placebo show only thought they were there, while the other half indeed were in attendance, scientists and confused fans confirmed.

“I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by this news,” said Dan Nichols, a Placebo fan who is still dealing with the fact he was actually not at his favorite band’s very secret Boston show. “I mean, Bryan [Molko, guitarist] and Stefan [Olsdal, bassist] were so tight that night, I thought. I was sure I was singing along with everyone there. They played ‘Pure Morning,’ ‘Song to Say Goodbye,’ and their iconic cover of that Kate Bush song. I definitely felt like I was right there. I’m wondering exactly where I was last week if I wasn’t at the show. I need to make some phone calls, I guess. How does this even work?”

Others in attendance were relieved to learn that they had been exposed to the actual band.

“I guess it doesn’t really matter in the end, but I’m glad I wasn’t listening to any of that fake shit and was able to see the real deal,” said showgoer Kayla Trevino. “I mean, who knows if the effects of going are eventually gonna wear off. I don’t wanna find out I’d actually just been listening to some Muse CD in my car or something. I just don’t wanna take that chance.”

The Berklee research team were able to shed light on this incredible event, which happened to half the people in attendance.

“Placebo has been proven an effective treatment in handling nostalgia for nearly everyone exposed to them, and even the expectation of seeing them can have profound effects on a person’s perceived experience,” said lead researcher Dr. Rebecca McGucken. “Their fans believe in their music so much that when the songs rock just hard enough, they can believe they are actually there. The only other band with these properties was Steely Dan, although the experimental data was inconclusive.”

At press time, Molko and Olsdal continued to be rattled by the news and were seen pinching their own arms and asking if they were real.