The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

We Tried Microdosing LSD but It Turns Out 1/4 Cup Is Actually Quite a Lot

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Dan Rice

It has long been rumored that microdosing is the secret behind the success of billionaires like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. After Bezos successfully launched himself into space without blowing up (which would have been fucking dope!) I decided to try microdosing first hand to see if it gave me a creative edge and, well, I maybe should have done more research.

I’ve been straight edge most of my life. I’m not a hippie, how was I supposed to know that ¼ cup of acid was a lot? People need to drink like five beers to get drunk, so I figured a dose of LSD was like five bottles. I thought I was playing it safe but it turns out I consumed somewhere between 600 and 1,200 big-boy doses of “the good shit” and half a grapefruit for breakfast.

All I knew about tripping was what you see on TV, so part of me was afraid that I would get outside and everything would be on fire or something. To my surprise everything was on fire, but it really didn’t bother me. I found it mildly amusing, and all of the people on fire didn’t seem to mind, so why make a big deal out of it?

By the time I did reach the office I was recognized as an emperor-god by most of the known universe, but I decided to keep that to myself. No need to freak anybody out.

I sat at my desk and felt an immediate surge of innovation. The first thing I did was throw away my computer. The human brain is the most advanced quantum computer in the universe, so why downgrade? Next I had to connect my brain to the internet, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds. After a lot of trial and error stabbing myself with various wires, I was finally online. I could tell it worked because when I closed my eyes there were a bunch of weird lights I could sort of control with my thoughts. It truly is amazing what computers can do.

I hit a snag when I grabbed my stapler and realized that I had completely forgotten how to eat a stapler. Embarrassed, I decided to hide the stapler by throwing it as hard as I could. Unfortunately, Tom left his head in the way and the stapler hit it. Tom went on and on about how that was his head and bitching that it was all bloody now and just would not calm the fuck down, even after I told him he could eat my stapler.

It’s amazing what a mere 1,200 hits of LSD can do to your perception. For the first time, I realized that I was in a hostile work environment.

I knew the first step toward fixing my hostile work environment was to inform management of my discovery. At first I thought I would tell them, but then I remembered how often words fail. Action is the universal language.

I wanted to make sure my actions were understood properly, so I removed my shirt and wrote the word “HOSTILE” across my chest. As I shaved my hair in the bathroom mirror I noticed that a lot of my internet wounds were still bleeding. Perfect. Now that my look was complete I grabbed a mop handle and sprang to work.

At first when I started jumping on people’s desks and smashing their belongings with a mop handle they looked at me like I was crazy. But as I repeatedly screamed “I am the alpha-monkey!” they began to understand I was making a comment about workplace hostility. Once they became aware of this, they ran out of the building as fast as they could, terrified. I was happy to see they were all taking workplace hostility as seriously as I was!

Long story short, my first day of microdosing was a complete success. I can’t wait to see what innovations I come up with over the next four weeks!

Overconfident 38-Year-Old Expected to Make Full Recovery After Standing at Front of Hardcore Show

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Overambitious elder millennial Janine Angler was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery after standing at the very front of a recent hardcore show at the El Corazon venue, witnesses who had warned her of the potential repercussions beforehand confirmed.

“And to think I almost stood in the back, but didn’t want to look like an idiot,” said Angler before choosing on her own to eat a spoonful of Kasha. “I mean, in my eyes I’m just as youthful as ever if you don’t count the chronic back pain, sensitive digestive system, and an inability to stay up past 10 p.m. anymore. No one tells you when you’re younger that at some point your body just can’t handle violent social rituals like it used to. I guess I’ll just have to continue to learn through trial and error, and denial, and then more error.”

Doctors commented on Angler’s condition.

“Several of the wounds Ms. Angler sustained actually seemed to happen all on their own and she even blacked out from the stress at some point,” said Dr. Julia Weingartner. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before in people her age, where the body just kind of gives out at events they used to treasure. We can’t really explain this phenomenon either. All I know is that she’s got some work cut out for her to get back to full strength, but even a full recovery won’t take away the fact that she’s not 22 years old anymore. Or even 32, for that matter.”

Experts noted the signs and symptoms that aging millennials need to watch out for when planning to attend shows.

“A large majority of people who are in their mid-to-late 30s don’t think aging is going to affect them,” said health expert Carrie Krimpshen. “Then one day you see a gray hair here and a wrinkle there, and all the sudden you start finding yourself driving across town to go to the nice Albertson’s. That’s when you know it’s time to phone it in and just ride out the rest of your days in the very back of shows checking your phone to figure how much longer you have until you can go home. It comes for us all.”

At press time, Angler had indeed made a full recovery, but reinjured herself after attempting to pull a double ollie, which is something she evidently couldn’t even do when she was younger.

Review: Descendents “9th and Walnut”

Posted on July 21, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

“9th and Walnut” is a new 18-track collection featuring Descendents earliest material written from 1977 through 1980. The album includes Descendents’ debut tracks “Ride the Wild” & ”It’s a Hectic World” (heard here for the first time with vocals by Milo), and the Dave Clark Five’s “Glad All Over” with the full Descendents treatment.

There is always a risk when bands decide to rerecord old material. Will it still hold up? Have they progressed past their early style? Will their older siblings embarrass them by showing all his friends the songs they recorded alone in their bedroom on a VHS tape labeled “private, do not watch?”

I can tell you this, “9th and Walnut” is a solid album front to back, and these songs are just as relevant today. Unfortunately for me, I can’t unrecord myself singing pitch-perfect a cappella renditions of “Weird Al” songs in a dimly lit room using the family RCA camcorder. And I certainly can’t erase the memory of my brother and his friends playing the tape and laughing so hard that they all threw up. Then the dog came in and started eating some of the puke, but everyone was still laughing and couldn’t stop the dog from slurping down buckets of Mountain Dew colored puke. You know what happened next; the dog started ralphing all over the place because it had eaten too much barf. Our basement still smells a little sour to this day.

I’m sure nobody is laughing at these Descendents songs, if anything they are already singing along. I wish I were so lucky. The dog spewing wasn’t the end of the story. My dad heard the commotion from upstairs and decided to investigate. When he saw puke all over the newly finished basement floor he blew a fucking gasket. He ran downstairs, as red as a sunburnt tomato, and immediately slipped on a particularly viscous puddle of throw up and he hit the ground so hard that he broke his wrist. I’ve only seen my dad cry on two occasions. One was at his mother’s funeral, the other was when he broke his wrist. We knew it was bad right away, the bone was sticking out and he kept saying “my boss is going to fire me, we are going to lose the house” over and over through the tears.

My dad’s wrist eventually healed. But the mental wounds from being the laughing stock of my town remain. Since that day I haven’t sang. Not even in the shower. But I want you to sing all these Descendents songs. Sing them loud, just don’t record yourself and don’t let my brother find the tape.

Score: 9.8/10 (it would be 10/10, but the song title “You Make Me Sick” is exactly what my mom said to me when she saw the tape of me singing and it still hurts.

Pick up your copy of “9th and Walnut” on 07/23, click here.

Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Show Early Humans Were into Some Real Kinky Shit

Posted on July 21, 2021 by Constantine Platanias

AVIGNON, FRANCE — A team of archeologists announced Monday the discovery of an array of prehistoric cave paintings in southern France, which they claim provide definitive proof that early humans were into some truly nasty shit.

“The sheer depravity of these paintings forces us to reassess everything we thought we knew about how horny our Stone Age ancestors were,” said lead researcher Olivia Chen. “Whereas it was once believed that early humans were no more perverted than the average primate, we now have evidence showing that the very first tools they used were, in fact, buttplugs, and that edging was heavily practiced among nearly everyone.”

While many sexologists have argued the kinkiest era in human history either took place during the Roman Empire or the 1970s, the discovery of these paintings cast doubt on the veracity of these claims.

“We must seriously consider the possibility that ancient humans reached the pinnacle of sexual depravity thousands of years before your grandparents did LSD while naked and covered in mud at Woodstock,” said Portland-based sexologist Amelia Poole. “It’s depressing to realize that we will never be as sexually free as this group of cave dwellers who evidently threw raucous orgies inside of wooly mammoth carcasses, which, speaking of it, may have been the first ever sex hotel in recorded history.”

The findings also shed light on how early humans interacted with one of their closest relatives: Neanderthals.

“It’s long been established that homo sapiens bred with Neanderthals, but until now we never knew just how freaky things got,” said Paul Booker, head of the Department of Anthropology at Stanford University. “It’s possible that Neanderthals went extinct in part due to the frequent interspecies bukkakes depicted on these walls, as a result of breath play gone seriously wrong, or simply due to an overabundance of fake doms just ruining shit for everyone.”

At press time, Pornhub had released a new category featuring depictions of the artworks, labeled “Hardcore Ancient.”

New Dating App for Asians Seeking Asians Is 99% White Guys

Posted on July 21, 2021 by Ian Yamamoto

SAN FRANCISCO — A specialty dating app created for connecting East Asian people seeking the same is reportedly being used exclusively by white dudes, according to sources.

“I love how small and cute they are, but also sexy at the same time,” said software developer and single white dude, Bobby Perlin. “Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not superficial. What I really want in a girlfriend is a good personality. I like girls who I’ve heard are quiet, shy, eager to please, 100% faithful, and who love to cook and clean, but are also kind of feisty, if you know what I mean. That just happens to be my preference, I can’t help that. Love is love.”

“Honestly though, I’m doing these girls a favor by signing up for this app, right? If it wasn’t for me, they’d just be swiping left on Asian guys. I’m pretty average looking, but I’m taller and better looking than any Asian man, so this should be a sweep,” he added.

The software team behind the app were astounded by the numbers.

“We’ve been making niche dating apps for over 10 years now and this is by far our most successful. We have over 20 million users, all white men, ages 18 to 49. This is the most valuable demographic in North America and it’s extremely challenging to capture their undivided attention, but we’ve succeeded with the allure of Asian women,” said software developer Dan Fisher. “Unfortunately, not a single Asian woman has signed up for this app yet. We can’t quite put our finger on why that is, but we hope to work it out soon.”

A young Korean-American woman who preferred to remain anonymous reported not needing to download the app to find hordes of white men who feel entitled to her attention.

“Dating as an Asian woman is awful. White dudes act so cocky when they talk to me. First, they try to guess my ethnicity and expect me to act impressed if they get it. Then they tell me how much they love Sailor Moon and how Sailor Mars is the hottest Sailor Scout, as if that isn’t obvious,” she said. “After that it’s a predictable turn toward the trip to Thailand they took with eight of their guy friends before they finally buy me a taro bubble tea. I do like taro bubble tea, but fuck off with the rest of that shit.”

At press time, the app reported zero white women having signed up.

Sustainability King? This 32-Year-Old Still Uses a Spider-Man Beach Towel as His Only Towel

Posted on July 21, 2021 by Heather Cook

Did we just discover the next Greta Thunberg? This 32-year-old environmental conservation warrior is keeping his carbon footprint small by using the same Spider-Man beach towel since he was sixteen years old! What was once a mindless birthday gift from his aunt in high school is now the metaphorical rock upon which our sustainability king victoriously stands. It’s also the literal towel that he’s used to dry off since the Bush administration. It doesn’t matter how stretched and thin it’s become over the years; our hero, Bruce Walden, refuses to get a new one.

Look at that thing! It’s tattered, smells like it’s never been washed, and it has a very suspicious brown stain on Spider-Man’s head. Nevertheless, our planet’s need for a savior calls out to Bruce and he heeds that call. That towel isn’t going anywhere. Although that thing looks like it could give him black mold poisoning, Bruce refuses to purchase a set of towels like a real adult, no matter how much his friends and family plead. They simply do not care enough about the future of our planet. Thank you Bruce for your heroic contribution to our failing ecosystem!

Sure, there are a few negative consequences to our radical rebel’s mindful decision. For starters, it’s super hard for him to maintain a relationship after they notice that the Spider-Man towel is not just the only bath towel in the house, but the only towel. He also uses it as his only dish towel, hand towel, and occasionally to wipe his ass in dire circumstances. Unfortunately, it means showering is not an option for his guests unless they actually like the feeling of a towel that somehow manages to be both crusty and damp.

The Spider-Man towel isn’t the only way our eco-activist champion is cutting back. Did you know that the button-up he wore to his high school prom is still the only dress shirt he owns? And he’s still using the same twin bed his mom bought him senior year of college. In an age where mountainous landfills are overflowing with wasted Amazon boxes, we marvel at how Bruce resists the pressures of consumerism.

Thank you, Bruce. Thank you for being the conservation warrior society needs right now. Sure, that thing reeks like a dead animal, but you refuse to waste money on something you already own. And hey, once that towel finally rips in half, then you’ll have two towels, and we can finally shower at your place.

Kid Forced to Be Punk After Bad Haircut

Posted on July 21, 2021 by Ken Taro

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Local high school freshman Mason Daniels was forced to become a member of his local punk community after a self-administered haircut turned out horribly, a classmate who saw the sickening aftermath confirmed.

“I was trying to beat up some loser who could only afford last year’s Cucinelli boat shoes, and my hair kept getting into my eyes,” snarled Daniels, the 15-year-old private school student. “While I was trying to sweep it away, the kid escaped. I vowed to never let that happen again, so I went home to take care of the situation myself because I didn’t want to wait for my personal hairstylist to come over. I butchered it so badly it looked like a blonde Picasso painting.”

Upon noticing the new cut, Daniels was driven by friends to a nearby bowling alley and left to enter his new life as a punk.

“I thought the punks would laugh at me, but they didn’t. Instead, they started throwing rocks at the car as it drove away,” Daniels stated. “I told them my friends abandoned me because of my haircut, but these new guys genuinely said they liked my hair. One of them even admitted he intentionally tried to make his hair look like that but wasn’t able to. They took me down to a bridge where we spray painted some dicks on the wall together. This was the first time I really felt like I was being myself.”

Mason’s mother, Alice, couldn’t believe that was her son when she first saw him after the tragedy, and she certainly didn’t share his epiphany.

“I didn’t even recognize him when he walked onto our yacht,” lamented Alice. “His head looked like a Tootsie Pop that fell onto a golden retriever. My heart sank because I knew his life was over. He had so much going for him. He had his whole life ahead of him. Now, I’m pretty sure he would get more than a ticket for killing an immigrant family of four while driving under the influence of Oxycontin.”

At press time, Daniels was suspended for punching his polo team coach in the face and was last seen sewing an Aus Rotten patch onto his school blazer.

The Filibuster Must Be Abolished and Until It Is, I’m Withholding Sex From Every Member of the Senate

Posted on July 20, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Enough is enough! The American government is at a standstill. Our own seat of political power is hopelessly compromised all due to the misuse of a bad-faith voting technique known as the “filibuster.” I believe the filibuster must be abolished and until it is, I will withhold hot, orgasmic sex from every single member of the Senate.

Quick civics lesson here, people. The filibuster is not in the Constitution nor is it in any way a part of what the Framers intended. It was created in 1917 as a way to prevent unlimited, neverending debate and now has become the very thing it was intended to work against: a legislation killer. And you know what else it’s going to kill? Senators’ chances of getting a hot piece of this unlimited, neverending ass.

And you just know they want it so bad. Oh fuck yeah they do. But they can’t have it, no, because they’ve been naughty little legislators.

In the ancient tradition of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata, I refuse to perform any kind of penetrative sex, oral sex, fingering, fisting, frottage, cottaging, banging, yanking, or spank-banking with anyone who is currently serving a six-year term in the US Senate. Until they do away with this archaic and counter-democratic procedure that serves no legitimate function, this butt-shop is closed for business. No matter how much they beg or how many ice-cold showers I have to take, I must make this stand for America.

This is not something I should be applauded for. I believe it is the duty of every American to make sure that we live in a nation based on laws, decency, and the most scorching, sex-dripping legislative body on Earth. Until then, I and every citizen must resist the urge to sex up every member of the Senate. From our most-aged yet still sexual Senators to the fresh, barely-legal (in terms of being able to introduce bills, that is) Senators in their first terms, we must fight our ubiquitous desire to bang them. We all must do what we must do. For the democracy. For the union. God Bless America.

Other Maroon 5 Members Wondering if Maybe They Can Dance With a Supermodel in Next Video

Posted on July 20, 2021 by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Members of pop rock outfit Maroon 5 are wondering when they will finally enjoy the fruits of the band’s success that their famous lead singer does, such as dancing with the world’s most beautiful women, frustrated sources reported.

“When we started this band it was great. We were all moving like Jagger with women at parties. Flash forward ten years and Adam can’t leave his house without being mobbed. Meanwhile, I don’t even get recognized at Starbucks. I’m a goddamn guitar player for Christ’s sake,” said rhythm guitarist Jesse Carmichael. “When Adam wanted to dance with the model in the first video, we were all happy. We figured we would get our turn. Now I’m not even sure if any of us are invited to the next video shoot. Adam doesn’t return my calls.”

For his part, Levine is not sure the other members of the band are ready for the responsibility.

“I’ve spent years preparing to dance with elite supermodels by sitting backwards in a chair for hours while listening to amateur singers. Are they even ready to have an entire flash sheet tattooed on their chest? I don’t think so,” said a defiant Levine. “Plus, dancing with supermodels is overrated. I mean, you can only press up against the firm, sweet smelling body of a women who’s been molded into an exact portrait of our current definition of beauty and sex appeal so many times. It’s hard being me.”

Larry Alstrap, Editor-In-Chief of Hit Parader magazine, stressed that these types of band interactions are as old as rock itself.

“We’ve seen this a lot, most famously with Gregg Allman. I’m not even sure if the other guys in the band were actually his bros. That guy married Cher, and the rest all died in a plane crash I think,” said Alstrap. “Honestly these guys should be counting their lucky stars they have one famous guy in the band. If you put a gun to my fucking head right now I couldn’t tell you the name of anyone who has ever been in Chicago. I mean really, put a gun to my head.”

Carmichael was unavailable for further comment as he was busy explaining to his Denny’s waitress that he actually wrote the song playing overhead.

6 Ways To Get Out of a Speeding Ticket That Are All Just Punching the Cop and Running Away

Posted on July 20, 2021 by James Knapp

We’ve all been there. You’re blasting Mötley Crüe’s greatest hits while cruising at 80 mph through a school zone when some nosy State trooper decides he’s gonna try to ruin your day with a totally bogus speeding ticket. Well, no worries. Here’s a few foolproof ways to get out of that fascist fine that all involve laying that fucker out and getting the hell out of there.

1. The Classic One-Two: If you’re reading this and had any interaction with law enforcement ever, then there’s a good chance you’ve already tried this one. Not a whole lot of technique required here. Just give a couple quick jabs to the solar plexus and then book it for the treeline.

2. Uppercut to the Groin, aka. “The Copkiller”: Like Mama always said, “a swift kick to a narc’s coin purse is the best way to drink for free.” Punch a cop in the balls and you won’t even have to worry about him chasing after you.

3. Hole Cut Out of the Bottom of a Box of Donuts: A twist on the classic “popcorn bucket handjob” trick, simply offer the officer a Boston cream then give him a knuckle sandwich. He’ll still be dazed and dreaming of glazed confections while you’re already safely across State lines. The best part is there’s no risk of getting a bunch of popcorn kernels stuck in your penis!

4. Pay a Drunk Friend to Do It For You: This is a great option for individuals with both disposable income and a friend with poor impulse control in the passenger seat. With this one you won’t even have to run. Just blame it on Gary and let his ass have to hightail it out of there.

5. Boxing Glove on a Big Spring: Arguably the most technical entry in this list, the boxing glove on a big spring takedown is only advisable to cop-punchers with professional clowning experience. Note: be sure to remove clown shoes prior to running away.

6. The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Punch: Go big or go home! Just kidding. If you pull this one off you’ll never be able to go home again, you know, on account of the cop you just killed. Still, drivers who have undergone the cruel tutelage of Pai Mei will find this highly effective technique hard to resist. Better change your name and sand off your fingerprints ‘cause you’re gonna be on the run for a long time.

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