Straight Edge Dad Forced to Say He’s Going Out for Yoohoo Before Never Returning

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BOSTON — Local straight edge father Maurice Puckett was depressed upon realizing he would have to say he was going to the corner store for a chocolate milk instead of cigarettes before never returning to his family again, according to those close to the situation.

“Dude, the hardest part of being straight edge is the fact that nothing you eat or drink is remotely cool. If I had a history of smoking then this would be no issue at all, not because I want to feel a buzz or talk outside of bars or look cool after having sex, but because I can’t even be a shitty dad the right way,” said Puckett while browsing expiration dates in the fridge. “I mean if I say I’m going out for cigarettes, it’s gonna be a whole thing. My kid’s gonna say I broke edge and call me a fake punk and tell me to remove my tattoos and shit, but I’m just trying to skip out on my responsibilities as a father. I’m not some sort of fucking sell out. This kid has no idea what true commitment even means.”

Puckett’s wife Catherine Peel was reportedly furious after Puckett pulled the “going out for Yoohoo” move on her and their 5-year-old son.

“It’s one thing to walk out on our family forever, leaving our child fatherless and me all alone. That, I get. But to say you’re going out for some weird ‘chocolate beverage’? I mean Jesus Christ. Talk about fucking up your kid forever. He’s gonna be in therapy the rest of his life after that,” Peel said. “Having a shitty dad, you know, mostly leads to depression and, eventually, good art. But little Jeremy’s gonna have to battle against picturing his dad, out with his new family, sipping on a little chocolate milk box like a loser. That’s just unforgivable.”

According to child therapist Dr. Troy Cresswell, Peel’s concerns were entirely correct.

“I deal with this sort of issue a lot with people who grew up listening to hardcore,” Dr. Cresswell explained. “There are many unique issues that come with being a straight edge parent. You have to constantly wipe little X marks off your child’s hands after they try to emulate you at school, you have to explain to your child far earlier what sex is so they can tell their bullies you being straight edge doesn’t mean they were adopted, and, worst of all, you have to get through the monotony of childrearing while being completely 100% sober. I don’t know how they fuck they do it.”

At press time, Peel and her son were seen breaking down in tears at a local grocery store after walking through the dairy aisle.

TV Exec Unaware Reboot He Pitching Already Successful Twitter Parody Account

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

NEW YORK — Television executive Arthur Gaines, 73, remains oblivious that the “Frasier” reboot he’s been pitching for the past hour is already a popular Twitter parody account titled “Frasier Does Telehealth,” non-Baby Boomer sources confirmed.

“Times are changing, and the traditional sitcom character needs a tweak to catch up with the modern viewer,” said Gaines from his palatial penthouse. “All the kids today are depressed and eating ass right? And don’t get me started with how they’re always playing on their goddamn phones. So, what do we give them? That’s right, baby, Zoom telehealth expert Frasier fucking Crane. We’ll call it ‘Phone-a-Frasier.’ Hot damn, I haven’t gotten this stiff for an idea since I came up with ‘Seinfeld 2000.’ You just watch, this idea will save the entire entertainment industry.”

Staff writer Hadley Graham watched Gaines unwittingly reiterate numerous popular posts from the parody account, calling them the “television breakthrough of the decade.”

“It’s hard to believe he’s not on Twitter,” she noted. “Considering he’s nearly parroted a dozen of the ideas in his story arc where Niles pretends to be a frustrating client who puts Frasier’s tirades on TikTok, incidentally making him a social media star. In fact, I’m pretty sure seven or eight of them were in Slate’s ‘15 Times Frasier Does Telehealth Was Brilliantly Stupid’ write-up. I just hope he sours on the whole thing before he makes me draft an outline of his ‘tear-jerking’ COVID-22 season.”

“Frasier Does Telehealth” account creator Taylor Kozik couldn’t imagine his “barely cogent” plot points serving as the basis for a legitimate restart of the long-running NBC show.

“Whenever I tweet, I try to picture an old fart at a steakhouse blurting out storylines between sips of scotch,” he said of his creative process with a chuckle. “I lift a lot of ideas from trash I see on the ‘Wall Street Journal’ homepage or rambling voicemails from my dad. That’s how the whole Roz and avocado toast saga got started. The material is so cringe, I don’t think it would get consideration from even the most vanilla network.”

As of press time, Gaines had reportedly gotten an offer of $20 million to air the pilot on NBC.

Woodpecker Absolutely Going to Town on Kid’s Memorial Tree

Posted on by Ben Friedman

AUBERRY, Calif. — A local woodpecker, ignoring the desperate pleas of parents, continued to go completely apeshit on a tree that was planted in memory of a child that passed away far too soon, multiple upset sources confirmed.

“These people have been up my ass all morning, and now I’m hours behind schedule. Seems like you can’t instinctively burrow a hole without one of these flesh bags pitching a fit,” said the golden-fronted woodpecker while furiously smashing wood with its face. “I don’t know why they’re all crying so much, and they keep bringing up this ‘Daniel’ character and a ‘tragic hunting accident,’ but I definitely don’t see his name on this tree. All I see is this pristine, choice cottonwood that’s full of delicious fucking bugs and, one day, will make a fine domicile if these clowns stop yelling and throwing rocks at me.”

Jack Williams, the father of the deceased boy, couldn’t believe that park rangers would just allow a wild animal to desecrate his son’s memorial.

“Our Daniel loved this forest and the peace he found within it. So when I paid $200 to have this tree planted in his memory, I expected to get my money’s worth, dammit. Don’t these khaki pants-wearing fuckheads provide some kind of service to prevent nature from taking its course sometimes?” said Williams while trying to shake the tree. “I mean look at this giant hole! Like this bird knows how Daniel died and is making a mockery of his accident. Next they’re going to tell me the tree is full of termites.”

Forest rangers sympathized with the Walker family, but admitted that there was very little to be done about the woodpecker.

“I know this tree symbolizes a lot of things to the Walkers, but at the end of the day nature is going to be, you know, nature. No point in telling this bird to fuck off just for doing what its name implies,” said park ranger Avalon Compton. “Fact is, it’s one of many memorial trees in this forest that have met unfortunate fates. They’ve been struck by lightning, felled by beavers, and last year a whole swath was chopped down by some crazy survivalist who just wanted to live off the grid. Shit happens.”

The woodpecker eventually abandoned the tree after discovering that it was infested with foliage destroying gypsy moths.

5 Fancy Ways to Smoke Weed so You Don’t Feel as Bad About Failing to Launch

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Hey, pothead! That’s right you lazy stoner. So you failed to launch? Big fucking deal. You’re back with your folks and spending all your time smoking weed, unemployed, and hating your life. You’re 32 and living like a teenager. Well it’s time to DO SOMETHING about it. Get off your couch, put down that bowl made out of a coke can, and go find a fancier way to smoke. You’ll feel like you’re worth a million bucks, and this time it won’t be because of how much college debt you owe.

Here are 5 sophisticated ways to smoke weed that will leave you feeling settled with your life despite your ever-burning sadness over how much you settled in life:

Grind your weed directly over the bowl like it’s pepper at a nice restaurant – More green in your bowl, sir? Now you’re living large! So large, in fact, that you’ll feel like your parents’ basement is actually a five star restaurant. Well, after you smoke a bunch you will.

Smoke out of your dad’s pipe – “Why don’t you at least apply for a job?” “You just gonna sit around on your butt your whole life?” “Why don’t you not smoke for just one week?” Goddamn, check out the fucking inquisition over here. Well I got a question for you: where is your fucking pipe? One hit off that fancy-ass dad-pipe may not make you a semi-successful salesman like him, but it’ll sure make you feel like one. Each pull from that magnificent herb vessel will transport your mind, body, and soul to one of Dad’s luxurious sales trips. Just make sure to clean it real good before you put it back, so we don’t get in trouble.

Hold your joint underhand, all “Mad Men” style – Okay, this one’s a little tricky. Hold the joint with your thumb and pointer finger (like a normal fucking person) but turn your wrist into an underhand position so you look like a cool ’50s businessman who cheats on his wife but never his taxes. You know, the kind of guy your dad was, which is why he has no concept of how hard it is to get a job. Man, he’ll never understand. But fuck him anyway, you look fucking fancy, bro!

Light your weed with one of those big ass kitchen lighters – Lighters dead? No problem. Go ask your mom where they keep that giant fucking lighter. It’s probably bright and red, you can’t miss it. Lighting your gravity bong with one of these bad boys will make you feel like you’re the most important man in the world, smoking the most important weed in the world. I guess matches would also be pretty fancy but all the ones your dad has are from Red Roof Inns, and that’s honestly actually a step backwards from where you’re at.

Lead Singer Pretty Sure There Are Still Some COVID Restrictions Stopping Him From Helping With Load In

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Vocalist Trevor Handler of Reseda pop punk band Half-Hazzard insisted that his reluctance to help the band move gear in and out of tonight’s show was due to his strict adherence of Covid guidelines, exhausted sources confirmed.

“I take the suggestions of the CDC very seriously. I’m not touching anything until Fauci himself gives me an itemized list of what’s safe to handle. If that means not being able to help my bandmates carry their heavy amps up and down this narrow staircase, then so be it,” said Handler while sipping a complimentary beer. “We don’t know the full scope of this disease; bass cabs might be hot spots for mutating variants. I’m not willing to put myself or the other brave frontmen on this show at risk by contaminating the mic.”

While Handler’s devotion to the health of the group was appreciated, drummer Steve Sanders said he was hoping to see an end to these restrictions soon.

“I would say I’m excited to get back to normal, but Trevor never helped me carry any gear before the pandemic either. He would always give some bullshit excuse about being the face of the band and needing to work the room, and now he claims that he’s worried about my China cymbal getting him sick. It’s fucked up,” said Sanders. “Honestly, I don’t even think he’s vaxxed. He would have made a big deal out of it. And he’s been talking to those two women backstage without a mask for like an hour.”

Mark Davers, Director of Societal Affairs for the CDC, stressed the importance of continuing to practice safety guidelines in the face of social pressure.

“This will be a challenging time for people dedicated to stopping the spread. Just last week my wife wanted me to help around the house. But sadly I declined. This is not the time to relax our standards,” said Davers. “For the foreseeable future, I would suggest using the pandemic as an excuse to not pick your friends up at the airport, help anyone move, or do anything else that might make you miss the playoffs. We will go back to the excruciating reality of life soon enough.”

Handler was unavailable for further questions as he was busy doing lines of cocaine with four members of the opening band in the building’s only bathroom stall.

Hard Times Fest is Coming Soon

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

We all miss live shows. And we all miss standing out in the sun for over eight hours a day, with the constant drone of a band we sort of recognize in the background while friends get drunk, couples break up, and we end up getting admitted to the hospital because of dehydration and sunstroke.

That’s why we created Hard Times Fest. We spent the entirety of the pandemic blackmailing bands so they will be forced to play this fest, and we booked some of the best in the business. More announcements coming soon. But for now, start preparing. We can’t wait to see you.

– Your friends at The Hard Times

How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?

Posted on by John Danek

As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility than I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. I had the idea to dip my toes in the waters of home ownership by possibly getting a houseplant.

The thing is, I don’t have a great track record of keeping living things alive. Case in point: my multiple dead children.

Who knew you have to feed them every single day? Like, they should give you a handbook or something when you leave the hospital. Or at least a link to a YouTube video! I bet Vsauce has a video on how to keep a human baby alive. But how would you just know?

The first one definitely wasn’t my fault. Really, none of them were. Nothing is my fault. But if I were to take blame as a silly thought experiment, it would probably be for my forgetfulness. I need to get better about writing things down. Maybe this is the year I really start using Google Calendar.

Let’s look on the bright side: All three kids were great learning experiences. Teddy, Sarah, and the other one taught me so much about responsibility. I learned to be honest with myself and to ask myself the tough questions.

Am I even at the point in my life where a plant can rely on me to consistently be there, stealing my attention away from Skyrim? I’m not so sure. I’m just not there yet. I think I will be at some point, but I really don’t know when. You have to water plants so frequently, and I think sometimes you have to do stuff to the soil. And how do you know which ones need direct sunlight? I’m no botanist!

The indecision makes other aspects of life tough, like dating. If a girl starts talking about getting a houseplant on a first Bumble date, it’s a huge red flag to me. Like, woah. Why don’t you just cut the bullshit and handcuff us together now? I’m just trying to have a good time and see where things go.

So no, I’m not ready for a houseplant yet. And I think it’s healthy to allow myself that grace. Ask me again in my 40’s.

Punk Cicada Has 17-Year Hangover

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Punk legend and resurrected Brood X cicada Titus Umbilicus emerged from the earth this week extremely late and hungover despite the fact that he should be dead.

“Goddammit, how much did I have to drink in 2004? Uggghh, I feel like shit,” Umbilicus remarked while trying not to puke up the Gatorade he slurped off a nearby picnic table. “I remember falling into a Solo cup of Natty Light at a college graduation party. I drank my way out to survive, but then I fell into the Jell-o shot next to it, for fun. Last thing I remember was just sort of hanging out and talking about D-beat and the imperialist invasion of Iraq. At the end of the night, I guess I crawled back underground and sorta passed out.”

Newly hatched Brood X cicada Taylor Thorax was furious at the elder cicada for showing up late and not doing his part for the greater good of the species.

“I get that he’s hungover or whatever, but Titus had the last 17 years to nurse this hangover. He’s actively wasting his last chance at a good life,” Thorax vented while also making the longest and shittiest mating call in all of nature. “Look at him now, I mean, he’s watching daytime Comedy Central through a window for fuck’s sake! Titus is supposed to be sucking on tree sap and starting a family like everybody else, but partying is preventing him from attracting a suitable mate and living a long, happy five-week life above ground. Honestly, everybody in the chorus is worried he’ll never figure it out.”

Entomologist Dr. Kimmie Sellers said she believes the rare cicada demonstrates an enhanced immunity to alcohol and resistance to aging that could eventually have implications for human life.

“Even for creatures that spend nearly two decades underground, this is highly unusual,” Dr. Sellers said while observing the hungover cicada smoking weed from an empty can under an oak tree. “This kind of behavior should be killing him, but it isn’t. It’s almost like the continued exposure to loud music and fun kept this creature physically younger and mentally happier than its peers. It seems we have a lot to learn from this strange insect.”

As of press time, Titus Umbilicus was last seen sharing leftover bits of a breakfast burrito in the bottom of a Miller High Life bottle with three other socially-ostracized insects.

We Listened to Every Pavement Album and Now We Ride the Jilted Barber’s Pony Pentagon Adrift the Carrot Tuxedo’s Hi-Hat Mezzanine

Posted on by Mike Civins

Somebody help! I just listened to every Pavement album in a row, and now even the simplest conversation is like taking a giant ramrod to raze the demon settlement but high-ho silver ride.

I actually love Pavement, but after listening to Stephen Malkmus’ dizzying cavalcade of surreal lyrics over and over again, even mundane tasks like ordering a bagel with cream cheese or asking the super to fix the bathroom sink have become overwhelming kaleidoscopic journeys of words and goddamnit the floor is getting soaked!

Just this morning I tried ordering a large cold brew coffee but ended up asking for “a protein delta strip in an abandoned houseboat with slim doors, red ropes, and periscopes.” What does that even mean?!

My family is starting to worry. I talked to my mom last night and wanted to know if she took Ruby to the vet but all that came out was “no castration fear in a chair and that we should chim chim chim sing a song of praise for your elders in the back and then pick out some Brazilian nuts for your engagement.” My own mother hung up on me!

Things only got worse when I got pulled over on the way to work, and I told the cop that my license and registration were in “an empty dock you cast away with crotch-mavens and one-night plays.” She let me go after I passed the breathalyzer but she almost changed her mind when I asked her, “What about the voice of Geddy Lee and how did it get so high, I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy?” instead of just saying “thanks.”

I need to reverse whatever spell I’m under. I’m referencing Smashing Pumpkins and Stone Temple Pilots with casual aplomb. I’m creeping out the staff at Home Depot talking about the “quasar in the mist, the Kaiser has a cyst, and I’m a blank want list,” but I actually do need to rent a decent Shop-Vac because the bathroom sink is still busted and my super thinks I’m on drugs.

Maybe if I listen to every Imagine Dragons album in a row it’ll cancel out whatever the hell is going on with me but in the meantime oh my god, oh your god, oh his god, oh her god
It’s everybody’s god, it’s everybody’s god, it’s everybody’s god, it’s everybody’s god, the worlds collide, but all that I want is a shady lane.

Metronome Helps Man Count Time He’s Wasted Pursuing Career in Music industry

Posted on by Dianne Nora

LOS ANGELES — Local aspiring indie rock musician since he was 14 years old, Adrian Kidwell, reportedly credits his metronome with counting the time he whittles away trying to forge a career in the music industry, according to supportive sources.

“I’m playing much tighter now, with every click reminding me of all the time, money, and prospective relationships I’ve wasted and sunk down the drain in the pursuit of being a working artist,” he explained while tapping his foot to the count of 60 BPM. “I’ve never been more in time, with each beat taking me closer to dying broke and alone, and I definitely wouldn’t be able to do it without this thing.”

Guitar Place owner Valerie Dowd recalled having supplied a wide variety of tools for musicians to distract themselves from the bills piling up thanks to the van they bought with strangers they met online two years earlier.

“As a small business, we understand how difficult times are for emerging artists,” Dowd said. “That’s why, in addition to stocking the best instruments, amps, and tools for indie musicians who play to crowds of two or three people waiting for the headliner, we recently began offering music lessons. Our instructors offer classes specially designed for these artists, teaching everything from how to improve their vocal pitch when crying in the shower to which mic cables make the best hanging ropes. Someone’s gotta look out for them.”

Jon Billings, a representative for Sony Music Entertainment, explained that competition in the industry has never been steeper for the many suckers who apparently are not too concerned with ever being able to own property.

“When I hear that sound of absolute passion and a near-lifetime of determined expression in a sample, the knowledge that every beat is bringing someone one step closer to a miserable death alone and unknown is what allows me to get up in the morning and be driven here to work every day,” Billings explained. “I know that’s the type of artist I want to string along for a few meetings before ultimately deciding to rep the teen with the most TikTok followers.”

At press time, Kidwell was optimistic that the new tuner he was eyeing would help him hear the exact moment he’d need to abandon his dreams and get a corporate job.