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6 Ways To Get Out of a Speeding Ticket That Are All Just Punching the Cop and Running Away

We’ve all been there. You’re blasting Mötley Crüe’s greatest hits while cruising at 80 mph through a school zone when some nosy State trooper decides he’s gonna try to ruin your day with a totally bogus speeding ticket. Well, no worries. Here’s a few foolproof ways to get out of that fascist fine that all involve laying that fucker out and getting the hell out of there.

1. The Classic One-Two: If you’re reading this and had any interaction with law enforcement ever, then there’s a good chance you’ve already tried this one. Not a whole lot of technique required here. Just give a couple quick jabs to the solar plexus and then book it for the treeline.

2. Uppercut to the Groin, aka. “The Copkiller”: Like Mama always said, “a swift kick to a narc’s coin purse is the best way to drink for free.” Punch a cop in the balls and you won’t even have to worry about him chasing after you.

3. Hole Cut Out of the Bottom of a Box of Donuts: A twist on the classic “popcorn bucket handjob” trick, simply offer the officer a Boston cream then give him a knuckle sandwich. He’ll still be dazed and dreaming of glazed confections while you’re already safely across State lines. The best part is there’s no risk of getting a bunch of popcorn kernels stuck in your penis!

4. Pay a Drunk Friend to Do It For You: This is a great option for individuals with both disposable income and a friend with poor impulse control in the passenger seat. With this one you won’t even have to run. Just blame it on Gary and let his ass have to hightail it out of there.

5. Boxing Glove on a Big Spring: Arguably the most technical entry in this list, the boxing glove on a big spring takedown is only advisable to cop-punchers with professional clowning experience. Note: be sure to remove clown shoes prior to running away.

6. The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Punch: Go big or go home! Just kidding. If you pull this one off you’ll never be able to go home again, you know, on account of the cop you just killed. Still, drivers who have undergone the cruel tutelage of Pai Mei will find this highly effective technique hard to resist. Better change your name and sand off your fingerprints ‘cause you’re gonna be on the run for a long time.