Once again, Disney has taken tragedy and turned it into something we can upvote on Reddit. When superfan Brian McKenzie learned there was going to be a Black Widow movie but he had no way of seeing it early, he found a silver lining: Disney’s well-known policy of giving fans the opportunity to contract a terminal illness in exchange for an early screening.
“Those days after I first heard about ‘Black Widow’ were pretty dark. But when I read about this child with leukemia who saw a new Star Wars movie before its release, I knew there was hope,” Brian shared from his hospital bed. “Hope that, just maybe, I could fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing a Marvel movie before any other dipshit children get to.”
Brian didn’t have a life-threatening condition at the time. But for the film and television studio behind such feats of animation magic as “The Lion King” (2019) and “Song of the South” (1946), fixing that was as easy as wishing upon a star.
“I can’t believe it, I’m really going to see ‘Black Widow,’” Brian said through shuddering breaths. “I’m more into The Hulk, but I saw the last one of those in theaters with a bunch of unwashed commoners and thought to myself, ‘I will die before I see another Marvel movie like this.’ Fortunately, the fine folks at Disney were able to make both of those things happen for me.”
A few short months ago, Brian was just an ordinary 27-year-old guy. Now, he’s a guy who’s going to see “Black Widow” several days early, and who has less than a month to live. And it’s all thanks to The Walt Disney Company’s tireless efforts.
“People say Disney is an evil corporation with no soul. That’s simply not true,” Disney representative Mark Santino said. “Walt Disney has a soul. A soul that needs to feed. That’s why we offer the ultimate fan experience. Exchanging one measly human lifetime for a proper viewing of ‘Black Widow’ is quite the bargain, if you really think about it.”
Thank you, Disney, for helping fans cross over into the afterlife. You truly are the grim reaper in mouse ears.