Big News for Glassjaw Fans

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Glassjaw, the legendary and often imitated New York post-hardcore band, has announced a 20+ year anniversary collection including seminal records 2000’s “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence,” 2002’s “Worship And Tribute” and for the first time, a live album from their legendary 2011 The Forum London set called “Live At The Forum.” It is a tour-exclusive three-piece vinyl set (not a bundle) only accessible with a separately sold ticket. In typical Glassjaw fashion, this vinyl collection will only be available for a limited time and in limited quantities. The pre-sale for the vinyl will go live July 9, and ticket-holders will pick up their purchased vinyl at the 20+ Year Anniversary shows they attend. Visit Glassjaw.com next Friday, July 9, at 12pm ET to participate. The Hard Times will have exclusive packaging to make things extra special.

Upon its release in the summer of 2002, “Worship And Tribute” was supposed to close with their song “Convectuoso,” but due to existing strife and legalities with the band’s previous label, Glassjaw was forced to strike it from their final composition. Twenty years later, the band has since gained back the rights to “Convectuoso,” and on the new reissue, Glassjaw fans will hear “Worship And Tribute” as the band originally intended.

“Live At The Forum,” included in the three-piece vinyl set is the band’s first official live release. Taken from their legendary 2011 London Forum set, the album’s tracklisting includes the original setlist (minus the encore) which is comprised of songs from both EYEWTKAS and “Worship And Tribute,” as well as 2011’s Our Color Green EP. The band will return to the O2 London Forum on May 27 and 28, 2022 as part of newly announced 20+ Year Anniversary tour dates.

The now 22-date, 15-city tour will kick off March 2, 2022, for two nights in Los Angeles, making stops in San Francisco, Denver, Austin, Atlanta, Chicago, Philadelphia, Brooklyn and more, with added dates in London and Pomona, CA (full dates below). Select cities will feature back-to-back nights with one album performance per night, while others will tackle both albums in one fell swoop with an intermission in between—full dates and info below with tickets on sale now at Glassjaw.com.

03-02-22 – 1720 Los Angeles, CA – eyewtkas (sold out)
03-03-22 – 1720 Los Angeles, CA – w&t (sold out)
03-04-22 – Great American Music Hall San Francisco, CA – eyewtkas (tickets)
03-05-22 – Great American Music Hall San Francisco, CA – w&t (sold out)
03-06-22 – Pomona, CA – eyewtkas + w&t
03-08-22 – The Summit Denver, CO – eyewtkas + w&t (tickets)
03-10-22 – Vibes Event Center San Antonio, TX – eyewtkas + w&t (tickets)
03-11-22 – Mohawk Austin, TX – eyewtkas (tickets)
03-12-22 – Mohawk Austin, TX – w&t (tickets)
03-14-22 – Masquerade – Heaven Atlanta, GA- eyewtkas + w&t (tickets)
03-16-22 – Concord Music Hall Chicago, IL – eyewtkas (tickets)
03-17-22 – Concord Music Hall Chicago, IL – w&t (tickets)
03-18-22 – Starland Ballroom Sayreville, NJ – eyewtkas + w&t (tickets)
03-19-22 – The Palladium Worcester, MA – eyewtkas + w&t (tickets)
03-20-22 – Fillmore Silver Springs, MD – eyewtkas + w&t (tickets)
03-21-22 – Union Transfer Philadelphia, PA – eyewtkas + w&t (tickets)
03-23-22 – Warsaw Brooklyn, NY – eyewtkas (tickets)
03-24-22 – Warsaw Brooklyn, NY – w&t (tickets)
03-25-22 – The Paramount Huntington, NY – eyewtkas (tickets)
03-26-22 – The Paramount Huntington, NY – w&t (tickets)
05-27-22 – London, UK – eyewtkas
05-28-22 – London, UK – w&t

God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing

Posted on by Freelancer

HEAVEN — Local benevolent being, God, ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting Bill Cosby get away with raping dozens of women” thing.

“I realized I might have gone a little too dark there,” sayeth the Lord, whose earlier work includes the Plagues of Egypt, the proliferation of nuclear weapons, and breaking up the Beatles. “Every so often I can tell I’ve crossed a line, like today, when I allowed that Judge in Pennsylvania to let Cosby off the hook despite overwhelming evidence and the testimony of many, many victims. When that happens, I try to even it out by giving humanity something good. That’s actually why I first invented oral sex. This Rumsfeld thing is my way of saying ‘I know I really stepped in it this time, and I’m sorry.’ Honestly, it was way overdue anyway.”

As the news broke, the self-proclaimed Creator of the Heavens and All the Earth declared by holy decree that He has no regrets in ending Rumsfeld’s life at 88, adding “As Donald said upon seeing the looting in Baghdad in 2003: ‘Stuff happens.’”

Review: Review: ACXDC “Satan is King”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

The other morning I woke up and was just in one of those moods where I was unwilling to try at all. I didn’t shower, didn’t eat, and just opted to let my dog pee on the carpet, which she prefers most of the time anyway. In my indifferent state, I did what any person just trying to get through the day without burning their apartment down or starting a fight over nothing with any of the three guys they’re currently fucking usually does — I turned on the radio and just planned to zone out.

After a little while my troubles slipped away and I was reminded that sometimes, it’s OK to just kind of suck when AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” came on for the third time in two hours. I thought I would indulge that feeling a little more by seeking out more AC/DC to listen to, when I found ACXDC Satan is King. This seemed to be a departure from their usual sound because it was not how I remembered AC/DC sounding at all. Like, not even close. I did what any committed journalist would do and hit the comments section immediately to find out what everyone else’s opinion was on the matter so I could know what to think about all this, only to find hundreds of other people who were just as confused as me.

Apparently, ACXDC is a totally different band who must have just accidentally named themselves almost the exact same thing as a super famous band that already exists. I cannot imagine how embarrassing this must be for them, and also kind of can’t believe they don’t have a single friend or manager who cares about them enough to say something. I was super nervous to tell my friend June that her eyebrows are absolutely fucked, but possibly upsetting your friends to help them grow is just part of being in an intimate relationship. Plus, she ended up getting microbladed a few weeks later and now she looks amazing, so it all worked out.

Anyway, I didn’t really listen to the album as I spent the next several hours attempting to contact members of the band on Twitter, only to realize I had been messaging something called CBGB the whole day. By the time I got a hold of someone at TGIFriday, I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything since like 10 p.m. the night before, so I made a reservation.

I will give this album a 1 out of 5 stars, only because I can’t give zero stars, which I would if I could. I just think that if you’re going to start a band you should at least do a quick Google search to see if the name is already taken. The Jack Daniel’sⓇ Chicken Sandwich with a side of fries, however, earned a solid 9 out of 10 stars, and my server, Danica, was absolutely wonderful. Would definitely recommend.

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Kid Home Sick Imprints on Drew Carey as Parental Figure

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

BEND, Ore. — Local second grader Kevin Wood spent a day home sick from school and inadvertently imprinted on game show host Drew Carey as a parental figure, multiple sources confirmed.

“I was almost out the door this morning when Kevin said his stomach hurt,” said Darla Wood, the boy’s mother. “I had a huge meeting first thing and Brandon [Kevin’s father] is in Portland for work, so I just planted him in front of the TV. Sometimes I feel a little guilty leaving him like that, but he absolutely loves ‘The Price is Right.’ He watches all the reruns, and when we actually manage to have a family dinner, he’s always going on about ‘Drew said this’ and ‘Drew did that.’ Brandon and I joke that we’re co-parenting with that guy.”

“God, another meeting,” Wood continued, looking at her phone. “I’m not getting home anytime soon.”

Wood’s homeroom teacher Anita Rundman was concerned with his recent behavior.

“Kevin is a great kid, don’t get me wrong,” Rundman said, examining a crayon drawing the student had made of Drew Carey and fellow “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” cast member Ryan Stiles. “He always plays nice with the other children and he’s actually great with sharing. It’s just weird that he likes to sit at a desk and watch other students play, then wisecrack whenever there’s a pause. He also keeps referring to the lunch period as ‘The Showcase,’ and he always welcomes new students and briefly asks them a few questions before lightly applauding. It’s just a little worrisome.”

“I also don’t know where he got those horn-rim glasses,” Rundman continued. “I don’t think they’re prescription.”

Behavioral therapist Dr. Martha Carter sympathized with Kevin.

“It’s actually very common for neglected children to bond with TV hosts,” Carter said. “Some kids will latch onto Richard Dawson from reruns, some will find themselves unconsciously patterning behavior after the guy from ‘Cash Cab.’ In the absence of a present parental figure, children will especially gravitate to and emulate game show hosts, who represent structure and firm rules for behavior. Then there are the poor children that imprint on Steve Harvey. God help them.”

As of press time, Kevin was writing yet another entry in his diary about his best friend Drew, who was going to come visit any day now.

Jesus Fucking Christ: Bathroom Door Just Some Strings of Beads

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NASHVILLE — Local woman and occasional defecator Ingrid Fowler was shocked and alarmed to discover her boyfriend’s bathroom had just a few flimsy strands of beads in place of a traditional door, gassy and urgent sources confirmed.

“I’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, but I’ve never been to his place. And since my building is being fumigated for silverfish, he invited me over. That’s when I saw it. A fucking wide open, doorless bathroom,” said an exasperated Fowler. “The only thing separating my stinky shame from the living room is a half dozen or so strings of multi-colored beads. Like, why even create the illusion of privacy by hanging the beads when it accomplishes fuck-all? I’ll be lucky if I survive this weekend with only a slightly impacted rectum. Jesus fucking Christ.”

Although excited to have Fowler over, boyfriend Tanner Levine was puzzled by her behavior.

“Ingrid is really cool, even if she’s been acting a little goofy since she came over. Maybe it’s because I live in a really small space with only one bedroom and I’ve got three or four roommates sleeping on the couch and floor,” said Levine. “The first night around like 6:30 or so she started making a big thing about how we should all ‘hit the hay,’ and tried to ply us with Sleepytime tea and melatonin chewables. Allegedly this was to help us sleep through ‘any kind of loud noises, or whatever.’ Not quite sure what that was about.”

Levine’s ex-girlfriend Ayana Jacobs provided insight into the origin of the doorless bathroom.

“You know what the fucked up thing is? The bathroom originally had a door, but they ripped it off the wall and used it to soundproof the makeshift recording studio inside the only bedroom’s closet,” said Jacobs. “Back when we dated and I had to drain a brown snake, I’d tell him I needed to ‘clear my head’ and then walk two blocks to drop a deuce at that really sketchy Dunkin’ Donuts where they never have any donuts.”

At press time, Fowler is contemplating risking her current relationship by sleeping with her boyfriend’s neighbor just for the opportunity to shit behind a door that locks.

How To Maintain a Sex Life Even Though Being From New Jersey Is Your Entire Personality

Posted on by Heather Cook

Being from New Jersey is a personality trait, we get it. You think you’re special because you’ve never pumped your own gas and will physically fight anyone that calls Jersey a “drive-through state,” but that kind of flex doesn’t always go a long way in the bedroom.

Believe it or not, it’s a bit of a turn off when you start randomly raving about New Jersey bagels during foreplay. But have no fear, we’re offering a few tips and tricks to maintain a spicy sex life that will help you put the sex back in Essex County.

Stop Talking About New Jersey’s Major Highways In A Sexy Baby Voice
Nothing gets you more hot and heavy than using a sexy baby voice to whisper your extensive knowledge of I-95 into your partner’s ear. Unfortunately, this creeps the hell out of most people who have never even heard of the Jersey Turnpike. Maybe try a more normal roleplay situation that doesn’t involve complaining about the roadwork at Exit 8.

Save The “Pork Roll VS. Taylor Ham” Debate For After Sex
Shocking, but it’s actually a huge game killer when you say things like, “anyone that calls pork roll ‘Taylor Ham’ should die a slow and painful death.” You’d defend the name of Jersey’s staple breakfast meat until the ends of the Earth, but insulting your partner for calling it by its brand name isn’t grounds for flattery. Until your lover has learned that this is a normal debate New Jerseyians have on a daily basis, save it for after sex.

Remove The Seven Framed Posters of Gritty From Your Bedroom Wall
If you’re from Southern New Jersey, then you worship the Philadelphia Flyers hockey mascot, Gritty. Although Gritty is your king, your sexual partner is having a hard time reaching climax when there’s seven posters of Gritty’s psychotic eyes staring at them.

Don’t Assume It Will Impress Anyone That You Live In The Town Where ‘Jersey Shore’ Was Filmed
Oh, you live in Seaside Heights? Well, buddy, it isn’t 2009 anymore and it honestly wasn’t impressive back then either. Spiking your hair like a Guido and calling your penis “The Situation” isn’t going to land you in Pound Town. That TV show is old news, and so is your spray tan. Also, maybe stop calling it Pound Town?

Find A Partner Who Is Just As Passionate About Jersey As You Are
Maybe you just need to find a partner who also can’t shut up about the Garden State. You could roleplay as moonshiners from the Pine Barrens and talk about 24 hour diners until you’re blue in the face. So, go out there and score yourself a pizza-eating speed limit-breaking lover!

Punk Looking Forward to Finally Hanging out With Friends in Alley During Shows Again

Posted on by Kevin Tit

HONOLULU — Local punk Joseph Green is looking forward to finally hanging out with friends in the alley during shows again now that the city is lifting restrictions set in place during the pandemic, disgruntled show promoters confirmed.

“I can’t even begin to express how happy I am for shows to start back up again,” the 42-year-old said before twisting the cap off a plastic 42-ounce bottle of Old English Malt Liquor. “This alley hasn’t seen any action since The Fizz Quicks played Downbeat back in 2019. That was a sick fucking night. I shotgunned two Four Lokos back to back while Billy Bricktop snorted Ally Catastrophe’s allergy meds off her dad’s new Audi. What a rager. I ended up missing the whole show, but who cares. Those come and go. The hangs are what matter.”

Green wasn’t the only one looking forward to the return of shows in Honolulu.

“I can’t explain it. There’s just something about the energy in the dark, wet, piss-soaked alley that can’t be replicated inside the dark, piss-soaked venue,” Edward Roberts explained. “What starts off as a quick pre-game beer outside while the first band sets up almost always turns into the main event. I mean, it’s cheaper than the bar and I can smoke all the weed I want out here without getting shit from the bouncer. Sure, it’s not technically supporting the scene but I can hear the bands from outside and they usually sound like shit anyways. It’s not like anybody actually came to the show to see the bands.”

Concert promoters said they are also excited for the return of shows, but not so much for people congregating in the alley during them.

“It’s so fucking frustrating to pull up to a venue with the touring band and watch them get excited by the turn out only to later realize none of the people we saw outside were coming in,” said BIG KAHUNA PRODUCTIONS promoter Dallas Aulani. “Not to mention the venue owner is always up my ass because fifty people are hanging out drinking around the bar and nobody’s paying to drink in the bar. It’s only a matter of time before this scene is completely out of venues to host shows and when that happens, where do these assholes expect to go?”

At press time, Joseph was seen in the parking lot screaming “CIRCLE PIT!” as he blasted the album of the band playing inside the venue from his Honda Civic.

Hard Times Fest Lineup Revealed

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

HOLY SHIT! We are so happy and proud to reveal the lineup for Hard Times Fest. We have spent the last seven years working tirelessly to make this the best fucking fest in the history of fests. This is going to make Woodstock ’99 look like Woodstock ’94.

We will have a lot more info on the bands, tickets, and accommodations in the coming days, but right now we want to share some highlights with you.

Crowquill is headlining. That’s right, they spent the last 34 months trapped in a Russian prison, but they are out and they are ready to fucking rock.

Southbreather will be playing “Wet Cement” in its entirety. Can you believe it’s been 25 years since “Wet Cement” was released? It’s the album that changed doom metal forever, and they are playing all 370 minutes of it live, for you.

Swingline reunion. I can’t think of three sweeter words. The bad boys of ska are back after 15 years. The last time they were on stage together their trumpet player Jerry was shot in the leg by their other trumpet player Marty. Who knows what will happen when they take the stage again.

Take a look at the full line up and stay tuned for more updates.

Casinos Will Hate You for Doing This: Shitting in the Slot Machines

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

You know what they say about casinos — the house always wins. And sure, the fat cats make a hefty profit out of swindling the gullible and the unlucky, but fortunately for you, there’s a way to get back at them that they’ll never expect. It’s simple: take a shit in the slot machines!

That’s right, you can make their system work for you! And by system, we mean a row of slot machines that look relatively unguarded, and a whole ton of fiber in your diet.

It sounds crazy, but there’s no more surefire way to get back at the casino that forced you to max out your credit cards, lie to your spouse and take out a second mortgage on your home that now creeps over your guilty conscience like an oncoming storm every day than to sidle up to those tempting, intriguing machines and prepare to drop trou.

Trust us, they hate it when people do this!

And sure, casinos will tell you not to use their fancy-dancy gambling machines as a makeshift commode, but get this: there’s no official Federal or state law that says you can’t! In all likelihood, this is probably because no member of the legislature thought this would ever need to be codified in law. But just like there’s no actual laws against counting cards, gaming casinos for free buffet tickets and cashing out an IRA prematurely, taking a massive tax loss, it’s something casinos just don’t want you to know! But that’s how ingenuity gets the better of fat cats every time!

Damn those fat cats. How’s your kid going to go to college now? An entire 529 savings plan, gone, just like that. One hand of blackjack.

Fuck.

Anyway, remember: the house may always win, but only if you count winning as taking your entire life savings, causing you to alienate your spouse who couldn’t stop asking questions at the bank and tossing you out of the casino while you alternately begged and threatened them for one more round of baccarat!

If you ask us, winning actually means having a gut full of high-intensity soluble fiber supplements and getting a shred of your dignity back by dropping a hot one in a one-armed bandit. So get at it and strike a blow for the little guy!

Oh shit, here comes security. Finish up fast.

Nation’s Mom’s Agree, “I Never Said That”

Posted on by Dom Turek

HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — A new study by Hofstra University has found that 100 percent of moms nationwide agree they’ve never said anything traumatizing to their children and everyone is just out to get them.

“I didn’t expect these results, in part because I specifically remember my own mother telling me I wasn’t worth the stretch marks she sustained during her pregnancy with me,” said Dr. Charles Gilchrist, the study’s lead researcher. “We double and triple checked our numbers because we knew they would ask us to, or at least have our cousin Danny look at the data. But the results came back the same each time, which either means millions of mothers are lying about being infallible parents or we have a nation of children who are being gaslit.”

A total of 43 million mothers polled across the United States denied having said anything their children could construe as traumatizing, hurtful, or just plain fucking evil.

“Maybe they forgot to poll my mom,” said Shelby Aaron, one of the many adult children baffled by the results. “Did you ask her about the time she convinced me the divorce was all my fault, or that one summer in high school she told me to save up money for a nose job? How could she forget saying such cruel things during my most formidable years? Unless maybe I just didn’t know how good I had it, and could have just gone and lived with some other family if I hated it there so much.”

In addition to the 100 percent of moms who agreed, “I never said that,” 96 percent of moms vowed, “that never happened” and 93 percent said, “you’re too sensitive.”

“I’m sorry I’m the worst mother in the world,” sobbed Patricia Daigle in response to her son calling her a liar after the study was made public. “Maybe if I worked those extra hours at the office instead of going to all your soccer games and track meets, you’d love me one iota the amount you love your workaholic narcissist father. Say what you want about me, but you’ll miss me when I’m dead and gone.”

At press time, the nation’s children were seen apologizing to their mothers and assuring them they were the best moms in the world.