DALLAS, Penn. — A recent board game night hosted by small town resident Curly P. Johnson evolved with alarming ease and fluidity into a full-on fuckfest, apparently sexually adventurous sources confirmed.
“It all started innocently enough. I’d invited a handful of friends over and we had a pretty good game of Catan going when someone suggested we give Twister a try. Next thing I know, I’m fully nude, bent over the ottoman and getting spanked with a Monopoly board,” explained Johnson. “Granted, it wasn’t the night I planned to have originally, but everyone still seemed to have a great time. Although I think I’m gonna have to Scotch Guard the curtains if I have any more game nights in the future.”
Friend and game night participant Abby Novial described how the evening ended up becoming a sexual whirlwind.
“I really do enjoy Curtis’ game nights usually. But there’s only so many times you can play Parcheesi before you start thinking ‘those little game pieces probably fit in buttholes pretty nicely.’ Turns out, yes, yes they do,” said Novial. “Come to think of it, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened with our friend group. Last month we had a baby shower for our friend Susan and we ended up doing that baby food tasting game, but it was off of each other’s labia. I can still taste pureed apricots… and Susan.”
Steven Sharp, a representative for board game juggernaut Milton Bradley, explained the company’s official stance on game night induced orgies.
“Adult game enthusiasts have become a big part of our market over the past few years and we think it’s great that so many people continue to play the classic games they grew up with,” said Sharp. “And if those games have taken a turn for the desperately erotic, then we feel like that’s completely natural. At the end of the day, it’s up to the players to decide how they want to interact with our games.”
“The only thing we ask is that people always put safety first. This is exactly why we chose to discontinue the inclusion of several of the more chokeable pieces for the game Mouse Trap,” he added.
At press time, Johnson was preparing for his next game night by applying liberal amounts of lube to several Jenga pieces he had just pulled out of the dishwasher.