OMAHA, Neb. — Citizens across the country are coping with record breaking heat and wondering why there has been seemingly zero warning of rising temperatures by the scientific community, sources showing signs of heat stroke confirmed.
“I’m not sure where my hard earned tax dollars are going! This all seems like it came out of nowhere. I pay attention to the news, and all I remember is them talking about a boy that was kidnapped back in ‘94 and the world’s biggest yard sale. Absolutely nothing about a global climate apocalypse,” said local real estate developer Rick Stevens while driving his F250 750 feet to the corner store. “This is screwing up people’s lives! Last week it was nearly 115 degrees. My sister could barely keep her ranch dip cold at their annual pig roast.”
While the overheated public’s patience with their elected officials is growing thin, frustrated Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts (R) is searching for answers himself.
“I’m as gosh darn angry as anyone. As an agricultural state, we would have hoped there would be some sort of preparation as we watch yet another summer of crops burn, fundamentally altering our economy and helping destroy the already fragile food pipeline in this country. But when I contacted my lobbyist with the oil company, they said they hadn’t heard anything,” said Ricketts. “But I don’t want the public to worry. I have an extensive plan. When in doubt, always deregulate. The free market will fix it all.”
When pressed on the subject, environmental scientist Dr. Sarah Grander had nothing but a vague cryptic response.
“At this point I’m not even bothering to say anymore about it. I’m stockpiling rations, building a climate-controlled subterranean shelter, and hoping I can live my final days there in comfort while the surface burns. You would think at the very least that people would have their own best interests at heart. But nope. It’s like they want to die,” said Dr. Grander. “I used to spend my days warning my elected officials. But after being called a ‘commie’ a hundred times, I now spend my days storing clean water and setting up traps for the pending starvation hordes.”
The American population was further concerned about impending resource exhaustion while throwing away enough viable food to end starvation across the globe.