WASHINGTON — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi gathered with Democratic leadership this morning to issue a statement promising that the recently expired eviction moratorium would not prevent their constituents from receiving calls to donate via the US postal service.
“We’re determined to reach every eligible voter, even the thousands who are now at risk of losing their homes, and hound them for donations,” Pelosi said, addressing critics from the left ranks of her party. “If there’s one thing all American lawmakers can agree on, it’s a desire to get every last penny from the people in our districts. And while the terms ‘Congress of the United States’ or ‘House of Representatives’ cannot be legally included on any of these mailings, that hasn’t stopped us from hitting up ordinary folks across this nation to donate to our PACs and ballot initiatives. We didn’t let campaign finance reform stop us, and we won’t let the fact that you and your family now live in your car stop us either.”
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer expanded on Pelosi’s statement, saying that the party would soon lay out a plan to partner with local organizations to reach unhoused people.
“We’ve enlisted the help of police across the country to find our voters, even those who’ve just been thrown out of their homes, and shake them down for every last cent they can give,” Hoyer confirmed. “Of course, this will require expanding police budgets to fully accomplish our goals, so in the meantime, we’ve also enlisted some local vigilantes to find every last one of our constituents. Of course, this is just a stopgap solution: ultimately, no one can harass a homeless person better than a cop.”
Harriet Creighton, a researcher at George Mason University who focuses on American spending, said that Americans in poverty tend to donate a larger portion of their income to political causes.
“You’d think that people who’ve lost their homes might not be able to afford to give, but my research has repeatedly shown that those most at risk, whose access to healthcare and civil rights, for example, are repeatedly on the line, are so terrified every time an election rolls around that they continue to donate significant portions of their income. It’s a tried-and-true system,” Creighton explained. “Americans across the political spectrum share an understanding that no matter how precarious their financial situation seems to be, there’s always a politician ready to make it worse.”
At press time, Pelosi added that she had also requested that every member of Congress observe a moment of silence from their vacation homes to consider their unhoused constituents during the Congressional recess.