Hard Rock Cafe Manager Will Let You Hold The INXS Guitar If You Help Jump His Car

Posted on by Dicky Stock

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Hard Rock Cafe Manager Kyle Neeson offered the chance to hold the INXS guitar hanging in the women’s bathroom to departing Hard Rock customers in exchange for a jump after realizing his car battery had died, according to sources who have somewhere to be, sorry.

“This is actually a big Hard Rock no-no,” explained Neeson, who was covered in engine soot from trying to fix the dead battery by hand. “I’ve been the manager here for fifteen years and they don’t let me touch anything. However, I have insider knowledge that the lock on the case holding the ladies room INXS guitar is compromised, and I think I could probably get it loose. This guitar was played on the 2002 Just For Kicks Tour by Kirk Pengilly, the guitarist for INXS, so in exchange for the 30 seconds it takes to jump a Honda, you’d be a fool to turn down a deal like this.”

Cafe patron Justin Kelly heard Neeson’s plea as he and others exited the restaurant, but decided against providing aid.

“This guy started babbling about a guitar in a bathroom or something,” said Kelly, who seemed halfway between annoyed and angry at Neeson’s proposition. “I’m pretty sure he needed his car jumped but I couldn’t figure out what the fuck anything had to do with INXS. It’s like, dude, call AAA, dickhead. See if they give a shit, because literally no one out here gives a fuck about your toilet guitar. I’m fucking shitfaced.”

AAA technician Jackson Young was sent to assist Neeson with this dilemma after the manager watched as every single car exited the Hard Rock Cafe parking lot.

“I got a call around 11:30 from someone needing a jump. The guy kept asking if I’d be interested in a trade and insisted I walk inside to hold a guitar that belonged to a band I don’t know,” said tow truck driver Young, of Kevin Young’s Towing in Myrtle Beach. ”This kind of stuff happens all the time. I had to repo some lady’s Hyundai the other week and she kept offering to let me hold her baby who was once held by Depeche Mode vocalist Dave Gahan if I’d ‘look the other way’ for a couple more days. You meet some cuckoo clocks working around here at this hour, but this guy is a true cuckoo.”

When reached for comment following the jump, Neeson’s wife informed us he was “resting and could not come to the phone.”

Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally

Posted on by Bobby Korec

I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls, and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news is, you don’t need to worry about my drinking. I have everything totally under control. I only abuse alcohol recreationally, and I can stop whenever I want to or when I pass out. Usually the latter.

The key is to avoid relying on alcohol emotionally. For example, I only dump toxic amounts of booze directly down my gullet every day of the week for pure funsies. I never, ever drink when I’m angry, sad, or anxious. And it works! I can’t even remember the last time I felt any of those feelings. Besides, what else am I supposed to drink after a hard day’s work of staving off another hangover? Kombucha? Get real. No one drinks kombucha recreationally.

A big red flag for alcohol abuse is drinking in the morning and I’m here to tell you that ain’t me. No matter how much I want a gin and tonic immediately after arriving at work, I always make sure to wait until exactly noon so it doesn’t become a problem. Sure, the sweats kick in around 11:15, but a little self-control goes a long way when it comes to alcohol abuse.

The truth is, you simply cannot have an alcohol problem if you only do it recreationally in your downtime. That’s why they’re called “recreational” drugs and not “this is going to be a problem for you down the road” drugs. I’d never do those drugs unless a stranger offered them to me in a bar bathroom while I’m hammered.

Punk’s Life Built Entirely on Spite Going Surprisingly Well

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PITTSBURGH — Local punk Sam Allister’s life built entirely on doing things out of spite for the extreme bitterness of this fucked world is actually quite fulfilling and going surprisingly well, according to sources.

“As a kid, everyone told me I was too angry. My parents, teachers, and court appointed therapists all said I was headed down a bad path. Those assholes had no idea their bullshit was fuel for the most rad life ever. I appreciate those fucking idiots so much,” said Allister. “My dad once told me I need to quit watching horror movies all day. Oh ya? I now earn a cool 50K from my horror podcast patreon a year. Who’s a loser now, Dad? Have fun being a social worker for the rest of your life.”

Allister’s longtime girlfriend, Violet Carrol, was once concerned about her ability to hold a grudge, but now is completely on board with Allister’s lifestyle.

“I used to be angry when Sam would get into fights, but after her last stint of weekenders in jail she was able to finally get sober. That lady she beat up is probably still telling people to be quiet at the library, and Sam’s out here changing her life,” said Carrol. “So now I just let the magic work. Who knows what miracles will happen if someone tells her to turn down an amp in the middle of Guitar Center. She’ll probably end up with a platinum record.”

While Allister’s success may be surprising to some, Professor of Sociology at UPenn, Dr. Edgar Stilton, stressed this is normal.

“This phenomenon has actually built our society. The Seattle grunge movement was a purely spiteful response to the macho hair bands of the ‘80s. On a smaller scale, we see people insisting that ‘Pet Sounds’ is a good record even though we all know it’s the Beach Boys,” said Stilton. “So many worthwhile endeavors are built on a simple ‘fuck you.’ I mean, the only reason I have this job is because a guidance counselor once told me I’d make a good politician. Barf. Well now I’m a doctor, and that jackass is probably dead.”

Allister was unavailable for further comment, as she was busy organizing to have hostile architecture removed from various underpasses after being told she couldn’t “fall asleep” face down on the sidewalk.

Opinion: Where Is the Future Dippin’ Dots Promised Us?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The world is on fire. World economies rise and fall constantly. Pandemics rage, angry mobs overrun capitols, the oceans fill with toxins. In this historically unprecedented period of hopelessness, one cannot help but wonder ‘where is the future Dippin’ Dots promised us?’

When Dippin’ Dots were introduced in 1988, they made an implicit promise: they would make the world a better place. When you say something is the “ice cream of the future,” you are promising a better future. You don’t say something like that to children at amusement centers or any retail establishment with the voltage requirements to store ice cream at -40 Fahrenheit lightly. And what have they done for us? Jack shit.

They could have used their futuristic freezing technology to create all kinds of Dippin’ foods, alleviating the global hunger crisis. But where is the Dippin’ Wheat Protein? Where are the Dippin’ Nutritional Supplements? For God’s sake, where is the Dippin’ Water?

We’re in the middle of a global drought, Dippin’ Dots! Use your power!

There are unprecedented temperatures in the Western United States. The Indian subcontinent is in a state of chaos. Russia is a police state ruled by corrupt oligarchs. There is a serious lack of innovation in new ice cream flavors. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a new flavor in the ice cream aisle of a Kroger? This is fucking on you, Dippin’ Dots.

The worst part is that despite their complete lack of innovation and progress, they refuse to release the secrets of Dippin technology to scientists and world leaders.

Even now, Dippin’ Dots is a wreck. This so-called savior of the future, as they so vaingloriously presented themselves, has no future itself. The Dippin’ Dots Corporation finds itself bankrupt. They’re increasingly a rare site at Six Flags. They’re the clear loser in a Twitter feud with disgraced former White House press secretary Sean Spicer, which should have been fucking money in the bag.

This is a chilly emperor with no clothes.

Dippin’ Dots, you promised us a better future. You have failed.

Now, the only hope we have is that Astronaut Ice Cream will come out of retirement and save us, just like it did in 1969. We have only its weird, freeze-dried texture and chalky taste left to carry us forward.

Outlaw Country Fan Backs the Blue

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

HARRISONBURG, Va. — Lifelong fan of outlaw country music Chris Harper is also a fervent supporter of law enforcement in all its forms, going as far as to decorate his truck, home and personal attire with “Back the Blue” slogans, sources close to the living contradiction confirmed.

“Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, Billy Joe Shaver, these are just a few of the men whose music has shaped my life,” said Harper while proudly displaying a “Blue Lives Matter” flag on his front porch. “Those guys brought country music back to what it should be: standing up to the man and not giving a fuck. They didn’t let anyone push them around or tell them what to do. And that’s how I live my life as well, but I also want to show my appreciation for the brave men and women that keep our neighborhoods safe. We have to realize that the real heroes are the police officers who put their lives on the line every day, you know?”

Silas Rhodes, a longtime friend of Harper’s, didn’t see any issue with his friend’s preferences.

“Just because you listen to music where the Sheriff is the villain doesn’t mean you actually have to hate your local Sheriff,” Rhodes said. “Chris has just always loved the whole image: the leather jacket, the yellow night-driving aviators, drinking way, way too much at your best friend’s wedding and getting into an argument about Miranda Rights. He spends about as much time listening to Willie Nelson as he does in online forums telling strangers that we need to respect the Blue. I’ve heard him say ‘he should have just complied’’ so many times, I’m starting to think it’s a Hank Jr. lyric.”

Terri Berman, a behavioral researcher at the University of Virginia, has seen cases like Harper’s before.

“We live in complex times,” Berman explained. “Many people find themselves holding contradictory opinions and not even realizing it. Mr. Harper can love music that overtly, textually asks the listener to stand against authority, and also love the actual, definitive authority of society, like the police. It’s part of the human condition.”

“That said, this guy sounds like a real dumbass,” Berman added.

As of press time, Harper was explaining to a police officer how much he appreciated his service as he was being issued a DUI.

Sorry For Your Loss but Do You Still Have My Copy of “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water?”

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Hey I really hope you’re doing alright, seriously I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. You’re like a brother to me so whatever you need don’t give it a second though. I’m here for you, my family is here for you in this dark, terrible time of need.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, how long has it been? Oh, and no big deal, but if you have the chance can I just get my copy of Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water back?

I hate to bring it up like this, but since we’re all back home and I know the circumstances aren’t great but it’s bringing back memories and I’d really like that CD back.

Again, not a huge deal at all, but, you know. I can’t even wrap my head around how hard this is for you, it’s hard for me too, I was close to them as well. I guess this is one of those times where tragedy can bring people together? I know that sounds weird or cliche but it feels right. It feels right to reconnect and yeah I mean while we’re here if you still have that CD, I think it was in your mom’s house last time I came over in your old bedroom. I’m sure you’re gonna be cleaning out the house anyway because, yeah, so if you come across it just let me know.

It really pains me to say this but it’s just not the same to stream it on Spotify, like the nostalgia and everything. The intro track where the alien voice says “Limp Bizkit is in the house” honestly just hits different on a CD the way it was meant to be played and experienced.

We can still listen to it together, I mean, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of free time once you’re done dealing with everything. No rush, just saying that’s chill, like you can still listen to it.

It’s such a good record, and I hate to bring it up at a time like this, but it’s just so good and I’ve had ‘Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)’ stuck in my head the entire trip up to the funeral like, I don’t know, maybe I could kill two birds with one stone and go to the funeral and grab that too.

Honestly I can even grab it myself, I remember what shelf you left it on, it’s right by my copy of Final Fantasy 8 that I let you borrow but that’s not a huge deal right now if you still wanna play that?

I love you and miss you and I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you as much as I should have been so like I get it if you’re upset or whatever or busy with funeral stuff and next of kin stuff and executing the will and cleaning and whatnot so no rush but at the same time I have to get back to the city for work on Monday so no rush just kind of if you have the chance I really would love to listen to it on my drive back cause there’s really not a bad song on that record and the one remix with DMX, dude Rest In Peace DMX too. Man, how rough was that news?

Alright I’ll let you get back to playing host, but just let me know about the CD, I can swing by tomorrow the burial should be done by like what? 1? 2 pm?

Are they doing them all at once? Cause I know your mom already had the plot but your wife and two daughters? That was kind of a surprise, you gonna bury them all at once or like kind of bounce between?

Sorry not trying to be nosy! Just let me know about that CD.

Trapt Offer to Pay Anyone $35 to Request Them on Cameo

Posted on by Tony Morse

LOS ANGELES — Hate speech enthusiast Chris Taylor Brown and his disesteemed nu-metal band Trapt are reportedly offering $35 to anyone who requests them on the popular video-sharing website Cameo, uninterested sources confirmed.

“Big tech has tried to silence us, but we’re back with a whole new way to drop some red pills all over the pussy ass woke mob. And this shit is so real, people have gotta be paid to listen,” explained an enthusiastic Brown. “Once they hear what I’ve got to say, they’re gonna be so inspired that they take the money we send them and go buy some of our merch. Shit, thirty-five dollars is more than enough for a couple of our records with plenty left over for vaping cartridges and some Mountain Dew.”

“This should push our new album sales well into four-figure territory,” added an optimistic Brown.

Fans, however, received the announcement with mixed feelings.

“Chris Brown was a great social commentator. Not everyone could downplay institutional racism while screaming about the Chinese virus like he could,” said budding Neo-Nazi Sam Jameson. “His explanation for why white privilege isn’t real is something I still quote to the slackers at the warehouse my family owns. Anyway, I was a big fan until I realized he was also the lead singer for Trapt. This one time I sang ‘Headstrong’ at Karaoke and a pretty big group of women laughed the entire time and called me an incel. I haven’t been able to fuck around with Trapt since, which is unfortunate because I could really use the thirty-five bucks to put towards my overdue court supervision fees. I miss Brown’s take on politics, but honestly I can hear most of the same shit on Tucker Carlson.”

Cameo’s Director of Finance Daisy Davidson applauded Trapt’s aggressive marketing approach.

“We don’t really care what Trapt does with their money as long as we get our cut,” noted the steely-eyed executive. “They actually only net thirty dollars per video, so they’re taking a bit of a loss here. Hopefully they make it up on volume,” she said while trying to stifle a laugh. “In any event, we’re excited to add Trapt to our portfolio of racists that already includes Sebastian Gorka and Tomi Lahren.”

Following Trapt’s lead, outspoken drummer of System of a Down John Dolmayan is offering the first 50 people that sign up for his OnlyFans a $25 gift card to Albertson’s.

How I Learned To Trust My Boyfriend by Going Through His Phone Every Night

Posted on by Dom Turek

Building trust in a relationship takes time. But I work 60 hours a week and time is money, which is why I’ve decided that going through my boyfriend’s phone while he’s asleep is the most efficient way to trust him.

Whether you decide to go through his iPad, computer history, or to simply scour his house for a burner phone, there is no wrong way to go about trusting your partner. First, you’ll need to crack his passcode. Try asking him for it directly first, but if he has trust issues then PINs, birthdays, and old addresses can all serve as helpful numeric clues when breaking into a phone. If all else fails, “696969” usually does the trick.

Personally, I like to start my process of trust-building when he goes to sleep. Once you notice his eyes twitching it means he’s in REM sleep, and now is the perfect time to collect intel. I mean build trust. Whatever. You’ll want to check texts, DMs, voicemails, and even recently purchased movies. Three days ago my boyfriend rented “River’s Edge” on Amazon, which is strange because he told me he hates Crispin Glover. So either he doesn’t hate Crispin Glover or he’s watching teen crime dramas with another woman.

You can’t bring up all your findings at once because you’ll blow your cover, so I like to mentally earmark my evidence and introduce it into a conversation slowly over the course of days, weeks, or months whilst carefully monitoring his reactions. While many body language experts suggest people often look up and to the left when lying, I’ve found men are lying no matter what direction they’re looking in.

Sometimes, I feel like going through my boyfriend’s phone is wrong and even abusive. I wonder if my obsession with control is a fear based-response to the uncertainty of life and inevitability of death, but then I snap out of it and get back to my life’s work of finding out who the fuck texted Derick at 2:30 AM last night.

Man Always Thought His Rock Bottom Would Make for Better Story

Posted on by Alec Stein

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Self-proclaimed author of the next great American novel Frank Trotsky recently came to the terrible realization that his “rock bottom” was going to make for an absolute shit story, sources close to the mess of a man confirmed.

“I mean, allowing drugs and alcohol to ruin every meaningful relationship I’ve ever had is whatever,” said Trotsky while fumbling for an American Spirit from the pocket of his tweed jacket. “But who’s going to want to read about the guy whose lowest point was overdrawing his debit card at Buffalo Wild Wings? Before getting sober, my buddy John punched a cop he found out was sleeping with his wife, then went on a bender and was missing for days before some farmer found him naked in a barn 28 miles away. Now that’s material I could work with! When I saw the -$9.73 in my checking account, I broke down crying and realized I needed to change.”

Friends of Trotsky were relieved he was seeking help, even if the moment he came to this realization was objectively embarrassing.

“Last week, Frank showed up to my sister’s quinceañera, drank two seltzers, then started ranting about how we’re all just characters in his magnum opus,” said longtime roommate Sara Diaz. “When I pointed out that he’s never written an opus, let alone a magnum one, he said I just don’t get it because I’m a cog in the machine, while he’s out living on the fringes of society. He works as an office manager. I took a peek inside that moleskine he’s always carrying around. You know what I found? Grocery lists. The first page said ‘Write drunk, edit sober,’ then just twenty goddamn pages listing cheese, milk, etc. Fuck Frank.”

Lillian Prescot, a professor of literature at Columbia, said she does not believe Trotsky’s journey of self-discovery will lead to anything of value.

“You could be describing nearly every one of my male students this semester. These kids read one Bukowski poem, start drinking like it’s their last day on earth, then go out and buy a typewriter with their parent’s credit card,” said Professor Prescot. “I have a pile of novellas on my desk that I need to review and each one of them is about a main character who moves to the city after getting dumped and becomes a famous writer. It’s pathetic. Have one original thought.”

At press time, Trotsky was last seen drinking a virgin Tom Collins and explaining to the bartender David Foster Wallace’s thoughts on irony.

4 Zodiac Signs You Should Consider Making the Switch to

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Astrology is pretty much the only thing on everyone’s mind nowadays. Unfortunately everyone kind of just gives in to the zodiac hand they’ve been dealt at birth. However, just because you grew up one sign doesn’t necessarily mean you have to live the pre-destined sign forever. Why not mix and match?

With today’s healing crystal technology and chakra realignment therapy methods there’s practically no limit to what astrologists can claim to do. If you’re one of those people who hate their astrological sign, like all Capricorns for instance, you should definitely consider making the switch to at least one of these ones.

Pisces
Pisces are the sexy ones. Look no further than Brad Pitt. Sure, he was born a Sagittarius, but he clearly abandoned ship to become a Pisces at some point. So if you’re one of the ugly zodiac signs, I would highly consider getting your shit together and becoming hot, like a Pisces.

Libra
There are at least 27 billionaires who are Libras, so if you’re broke and a Virgo you should switch teams now while there’s still time. Libras seem to be really effective at hoarding money. Before you know it, all these billionaires won’t allow anyone else to have any money, anyway. Might as well join them.

Leo
The Leo sign is excellent in bed. While I still need a little more time to fully confirm my hypothesis, it’s a pretty safe bet considering my initial research was tested against a Gemini control group. So if you’re like an Aquarius or some shit and need some help pleasuring your lover, definitely think about making the switch strictly for sexual purposes.

Aries
My golden retriever is an Aries and she’s literally the best dog anyone could ask for. Aries is the first sign, which means they’re pioneers. They’re also amazing leaders. If it weren’t for my dog telling me she’s hungry I would never remember to feed her. Honestly, it really wouldn’t hurt you to be a little more like an Aries or my dog in general.