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Report: Simone Biles Earns Bronze On Beam You Probably Couldn’t Stand On

TOKYO — American gymnast Simone Biles earned a bronze medal earlier today for her performance on a balance beam you probably can’t even hoist yourself up onto let alone stand on, according to a report from the National Center for Health Statistics.

“Third place?” you said, while struggling to carry two bags of groceries up one flight of stairs. “When you’re in an opportunity like that, you gotta just go balls to the wall fearless, the Olympics isn’t the kind of thing where you play it safe. If I was there, I’d be doing all kinds of crazy ninja flips and shit and just crushing it the whole time. It’s like when you stand up too fast — yeah, you may feel like you’re gonna pass out and fall right on top of your puzzles, but you gotta push through. The delivery guy isn’t gonna wait at the door forever, you gotta seize the moment.”

Additional opinion-havers who get nauseous watching children jump from the high diving board had a few “free pointers” to offer the most decorated gymnast of all time.

“So with the balance beam, the whole thing is to like, lower your center of gravity,” said Butte, Montana resident and person who’s been driving with a suspended license since 2019, Kristen Cunnigham. “Whenever I have to keep upright like that I need to touch my nose at the same time, which, I’m sure you can imagine, isn’t the easiest thing to do in a Big Lots parking lot at 1 a.m. They don’t keep those lights on all night. The trick is to focus and pay attention, but not too much attention. It’s kind of a beautiful dance, really. She’ll get there.”

Experts report that criticizing Black women for advocating for themselves and their bodies will be added to the next Olympic games, with the United States men’s team expected to sweep the entire event.

“If there’s any single event that’s capable of bringing the entire country, if not world, together, it’s the Olympics,” said data analyst Dana DiSilva. “Every four years millions of people huddle up in their dark apartments to watch marvels of modern athletic ability, which they can then safely criticize from the privacy of their own toilets.”

At press time, Biles was seen reading DM’s on Twitter from people who keep bumping their knees on the same corner of the bedframe giving pointers for keeping her core tight.