Cherry Poppin’ Daddies Issue Apology for Like, Everything

Posted on by John Danek

EUGENE, Ore. — Ska/swing revival band Cherry Poppin’ Daddies shared a long-awaited apology accepting blame for their whole deal, including, but not limited to, their band name, entire vibe, music, appropriation, and more.

“We deeply regret basically every decision we’ve made since forming in 1989,” the statement reads, co-signed by all past and present members of the band who will be known as The Consent Acquirin’ Gentlemen moving forward. “Most egregious of our transgressions is our band name. ‘Daddy’ had not yet experienced rebirth into a sex-positive identity, so our name implied an incestuous version of deflowering. We are so, so sorry you ever had to hear our name in the car with your family members.”

“Next is our complicity in whitewashed genre revivals such as swing and ska that would have been better left alone, and not shoehorned into the advertisements of multinational corporations like the Gap,” the apology continues. “There are plenty more things we are ashamed of: profiting off the real and racist Zoot Suit Riots in the 1940s, normalizing fedora use, and releasing Greatest Hits compilations with more than one song. But lest we retraumatize innocent people, let us end with one more: we are so, so sorry.”

Music journalists weighed in on the quality and effectiveness of the band’s apology.

“The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies’ apology is unique because they have so many different things to take accountability for,” explained Vesper Wisniewski, contributor to Stereogum. “While the words sound sincere, it remains to be seen if they will truly pay a penance by selling their tacky outfits to thrift shops and cooling it with the bebop and jazz lingo moving forward.”

Though difficult to track down, one diehard Cherry Poppin’ Daddies fan offered their reaction to the apology.

“I knew this day would come, but I really hoped it wouldn’t,” said the fan, who asked to remain anonymous. “Being a CPD fan was tough enough, but it’s over now. There is too much shame associated with the band. I guess I’ll move on to a new bizarre music fandom to form my identity like, witch house or baroque funeral laments, neither of which could possibly be regretted 20 years from now.”

Vegas bookies are now allowing bets for the next band to apologize for their entire existence, with Barenaked Ladies leading the odds.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

Man Vaccinated Too Late for Selfie to Seem Important

Posted on by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES — Recently vaccinated man Albert Kalomatsos posted his out-of-focus vaccine selfie weeks too late for it to even have a symbolic meaning, way too proud sources confirmed.

“I put off getting my Covid vaccine until I was totally sure they got all of that autism juice out of it, or whatever it was Joe Rogan called it,” said Kalomatsos while picking out the perfect surface to put his “I Got Vaccinated” sticker on. “I feel it’s my duty to show everyone I’m making a difference. Sure, everyone else I know already got this done like two months ago, but I didn’t want my vaccine selfie to get lost in a sea of other vaccine selfies.”

Sources close to Kalomatsos debated the meaningfulness of his vaccine selfie.

“Look, I’ve been trying to convince [Albert] for months to go get vaccinated. He works as a waiter so he’s been eligible since February, but he just wouldn’t listen. He kept saying ‘the vibe doesn’t feel right yet,’” explained friend and Instagram follower Samantha Rone while living a care and virus free life. “I posted my selfie back in March and it got a lot of likes on Facebook, but now I’m just trying to go back to any bar that doesn’t have plastic sheeting around it. If he’d got vaccinated earlier I might have given it a heart react, but now that he’s fully vaccinated I can meet him in real life to safely punch him in the face.”

Stephanie Fellensoph, representative for the Center of Disease Control, detailed the office’s official position on vaccine selfies.

“We absolutely encourage every single American to vaccinate themselves against this unprecedented disease. But if you didn’t post a selfie of yourself with a bandage on your shoulder before like May, well you might as well be doing mannequin videos for all the fucks we give,” said Fellensoph. “Don’t get me wrong, we still want people to be vaccinated and social media is a part of encouraging that. But we need to move on to other things soon — like eradicating that mutation that makes hummingbirds thirst for human blood. Crap, I wasn’t supposed to mention that.”

At press time, Kalomatsos had taken to Instagram to nominate three friends to take the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Opinion: I’m Just a Better Babysitter on Shrooms

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, this was one hell of a barbecue friend, but if you don’t mind helping me find my keys, I’ve got a babysitting gig to get to. Oh, don’t give me that, I had like three beers all day, way below the legal limit over here, I’m fine! Oh, the shrooms we all ate? Bro, don’t even worry about it. I actually babysit BETTER when I’m on shrooms.

Okay I know, I know, that’s what people with mushroom problems say, but for me it’s legit true. When you deal with children it’s important to get down to their level. What better way to do that than by taking drugs that give me the mind of a child for 4-6 hours?

To tell you the truth, I never go babysitting without a few caps and stems in me. I get way too tense! Anytime I try it sober those kids are too loud and whiny and their TV shows are way more boring. It’s honestly more responsible of me to take at least a microdose before Taking charge of other people’s children.

When I’m on shrooms it’s great because the kids and I just wanna do the same stuff. We want to watch cartoons, eat snacks and wonder if trees can talk. We actually might start our own YouTube show, but first we have to figure out how to make slime.

Seriously, if those kids had a little blow with them now and again, I wouldn’t want to trip with anyone else.

Trust me bro, I’ve been doing this a long time and the worst thing that ever happened was I forgot to feed and bathe them. And there was like a really small kitchen fire, that’s it. Those kids learned a lot putting that fire out!

You know they’ve done studies. I mean not on babysitting in particular, and with mice, but they’ve done studies.

Look, call me crazy if you want to but I believe that when you do babysitting right, it’s not really clear who’s babysitting who. It’s more zen that way and shit.

Oh, there are my keys! I forgot we encased them in jello because it looked cool. Alright now give me a hand backing out of here, I suck at driving on shrooms.

Guitarist with Beer Belly Hasn’t Seen Own Pedals in Years

Posted on by John Danek

DALLAS — Rhythm guitarist and craft beer connoisseur Kirk Tenly reportedly hasn’t seen his own pedalboard since the late 2000s due to his protruding stomach, concerned loved ones report.

“The other day, I couldn’t remember which vintage Big Muff Pi fuzz I was using. That’s when it hit me: I haven’t actually laid eyes on my pedalboard — my pride and joy, my manhood — in a decade,” admitted Tenly, who books his stoner metal band Danksmash’s tours based on nearby beer festivals. “When I’m playing with myself at home, I just kinda reach down past my spare tire tug until things get going right. But I don’t even remember what it all looks like. Maybe it’s time to lay off the fruit saisons.”

Tenly’s wife has noticed a decline in Kirk’s self-esteem and confidence levels.

“I’m going to be honest — it’s not the most impressive pedalboard in the world, so he’s not missing out on much. But I still love Kirk, so sometimes I’ll get down on my knees and tweak his knobs until he’s satisfied,” explained Laurie Tenly, Kirk’s wife. “He’s not a tall guy either, so I have to sometimes push his belly out of the way to get at the goods. He seems committed to wellness this time around, though. I guess it’ll also be nice for him to not be totally shithoused every day.”

Specialized music dietitians have developed nutrition plans to specifically address the needs of stoner metal guitarists.

“I look forward to applying my specially-crafted diet to Kirk to help reduce some stomach girth,” said Dr. Danielle Nameth, nutritionist to Matt Pike and Buzz Osbourne. “You can’t cut out pizza, beer, and weed cold turkey, or else the body will react violently and his new album might suck ass. But guitarists develop a psychosexual fixation on their pedalboard at a young age, so I also stress to my clients: it’s not about the size of your pedalboard, but how you use it.“

Rumors indicate that the Tenlys’ marriage is on the rocks after Laurie caught Kirk DM’ing pictures of his pedalboard to other women.

I’ll Find Waldo for Free, and I’ll Kill Him for $10k

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Alright, now. Listen to me. You all know me, or at least, you know my reputation. You know how I make my living. This man you’re looking for, this phantom? I can get him, but it ain’t gonna be easy. So this is the deal I’m offering you: I’ll find this Waldo for free, but I’ll kill him for $10,000.

Before you all start making a big fuss, think about what I’m offering. I hear this whole town has been looking for Waldo. You been looking for this stripe-shirted tommycod, and you found nothing. To you, he’s a ghost, a shadow. He could be right here amongst all of you, blending into the packed crowd of people and eye-catching striped umbrellas that make you think, oh I got him. But no.

It’s just an umbrella.

Lucky for you, I’m the best there is at what I do. And what I do is find people…and take care of problems. I don’t know why you want this Waldo, and frankly, I don’t care. If he pulled the wool over this town’s eyes and swindled you, it’s not my business. If he seduced your women, burned your churches, tell it to someone else. If he made fools of you all and lived in your community, somehow slipping into every single situation imaginable, whether it be a packed beach, a crowded beach or in the arena of a sold-out football match…sing your sad song elsewhere.

Because all I want is that cold hard ten grand you’re going to give me to take this bastard out.

And know this: Waldo is a dangerous man. He’s one with the shadows, a dark chameleon. I don’t want no partner, and I don’t need no partner. I work alone, and I’m risking my neck to go after this one. If you don’t want to ante up, try locating him yourself. I think you’ll find it a long and frustrating task, with very little payoff.

But pay me my money, and your little Waldo problem is solved. 10k. That’ll get ya the striped hat, the glasses, the whole damned thing. I’ll drag his blood-soaked body in here and be on my merry little way. If you don’t believe I can do it, just ask around who hunted down and skinned the Berenstain Bears. Got the little one’s head in my trophy room now.

I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

Straight Man Weirdly Jealous of Lesbian

Posted on by Tiana Miller

NEW HOPE, Pa. — Local straight man Scott Stevenson was spotted acting weirdly jealous around lesbian woman and acquaintance at best, Samantha Rux, at a bar late yesterday evening, sources confirm.

“Sam was just visiting her girlfriend at work and this guy starts acting like a total freak, telling her if she dresses like ‘such a rocker,’ he hopes that she actually plays in a band before she started complaining about Marissa Paternoster for reasons I cannot comprehend,” said bar patron “Skeezy” Tommy Sumner. “I ripped a huge fart just to give her an excuse to get out of there — I mean me and Sam go way back, it was the least I could do. I couldn’t just stand there and watch this happen again. And who still calls punks ‘rockers?’”

Rux’s girlfriend, bartender Jean Silva, was slightly more patient with Stevenson’s bizarre show of behavior.

“Me and Sam have been dating on and off for four years and I’m not gonna lie, I still find it funny as fuck how dudes do this to her. She’s like the quietest person on earth. It’s sort of amazing. When she met my parents, my dad felt the need to drop how much he used to bench and his position in high school football like three seconds into their handshake,” she said. “I used to see it all the time in the dingier punk bars. It’s funny until some guy gets wasted and tries to deck her to prove something. I really don’t know what it is, but poor Sam gets it everywhere she goes.”

Stevenson was overheard desperately trying to appease his humiliated friends.

“What’s the big deal about this chick anyway? She’s in a band? Whoa, cool. So is my grandpa,” he lamented to no one in particular. “Quiz her on gear. Chicks know nothing about gear and then they recruit some sad sappy fucker like me to come in and waste all our precious time doing everything for them for free. It’s straight up unfair and legit sexist. I have a girlfriend, too.”

At press time, a visibly wasted and annoyed Stevenson was trying to convince the bar he had paid Rux’s bill in spite of the fact that she drinks there for free.

We Look Back at All of Our Past Failures Because We Just Spilled a Full Beer Goddammit What the Fuck

Posted on by Tim Nash

It’s been a good thirty-odd years of screw-ups, so now seems like as good a time as any to review them in inscrutable detail because I just spilled a full goddamn beer on my goddamn self at a crowded bar before even getting the goddamn chance to taste it.

Jesus Christ, fucking sixteen ounces of overpriced IPA absolutely everywhere, there’s no hiding this. All I wanted was to pretend to like it and show off my sophisticated palette like a goddamn asshole.

You know what, there’s some real comfort in knowing I’m the same idiot that I was when quarantine first began. I didn’t lose any social skills in isolation, because I have ALWAYS SUCKED. So if anything, I’m coming out of this thing breaking even.

This bar sucks, and I didn’t even want to go out tonight! It looks like someone put a Starbucks in the middle of a Home Depot with terrible lighting. They didn’t even finish building the bathrooms! I got dragged into this by the same assholes that convinced me to call in a bomb threat our senior year of high school to ruin the homecoming game. I mean, they couldn’t prove it, but my teachers knew. That’s how you end up at a shit-fuck safety school.

Goddammit now I’m gonna BLOW IT with that girl who was flirting with me. If there was any light in this place she’d probably think I peed myself. Is that less embarrassing? Would Billy Madison admit to spilling a beer? Probably not. Especially not one that cost nine dollars, what the hell was I thinking?

I can’t go buy another one so soon, or the bartender will know something’s up.

Ah fuck, it’s already soaked through my shoes, even my socks are wet. They’re going to be all squishy the rest of the goddamn night. Goddammit!

Of course, if I’d wanted to get into a good college I wouldn’t have gotten a C in Mrs. Boyce’s third grade math class. If I had to pinpoint a moment, that’s where things went off the rails. I really let her down. I couldn’t memorize the times tables, and here I am twenty goddamn years later, piss-soaked in IPA because I’m just a fucking asshole, aren’t I?

I better not get pulled over, because I’m going to smell like beer the whole drive home. Well fuck it, maybe I deserve to go to jail! I broke the TV when I was seven and I’m soaked to the bone in hop juice now because I DESERVE IT for being such an IDIOT!

I swear to God the only thing in my whole damned life I was good at was that sonofabitch anger management course.

Metal Band Offering Summer Internships to Medieval Studies Majors

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

PORTLAND, Ore. — Progressive metal band Knight Vision announced they are accepting applications from medieval studies majors for a summer internship offering practical application of their vast knowledge of feudalistic cultures and siege tactics.

“Our band is offering a unique opportunity for medieval studies majors that will prepare them for the future,” Knight Vision guitarist Anthony Santillini said while loudly combing his waist-length hair. “Our apprentices will begin each day by fact-checking lyrics for our upcoming concept album to make sure we don’t sing about a brave squire defeating his enemies with a mace when he really would’ve used a flail! After scribe duties, they’ll braid our hair, ensure the historical accuracy of our D&D miniature figurine collection, make dandelion mead, smoke turkey legs, find the best DIY hilt tutorials on YouTube, and load and unload our gear at every show.”

After seeing sponsored ads for the internship on Instagram and at the top of the Medieval Times menu, some students began rushing to get their documents in order.

“I always knew my knowledge of religious skirmishes and falconry would come in handy beyond the highly-specialized classes at my private university,” junior Willis Hamilton said while reworking their resume in a University of Portland dining hall. “I’ll finally get to understand serfdom by becoming one myself! I don’t know how to tune a guitar or what a pedalboard is, but I think my experience maintaining equestrian stables and encyclopedic knowledge of the silk routes will really make my application pop.”

Labor activist Jeffry Scott believes the internship is merely another example of the music industry exploiting vulnerable workers for profit.

“This labor theft — and that’s what I call it — is completely unethical,” said Scott. “Those interns could be providing real value to the economy writing ‘Game of Thrones’ wannabe spec scripts for AMC, searching for proof of ancient aliens in Gaelic texts for History channel, or making sad-looking salads in a coffee shop. Instead, they’ve been tricked into giving their expertise to big metal for free. Bands like Knight Vision will literally make hundreds of dollars on the backs of their interns and share nothing with the proletariat that made it possible.”

At press time, the band has eliminated multiple candidates as a result of their related experience with Norse mythology, citing fear that Amon Amarth would kick their ass for mentioning Odin even once.

Scrooge McDuck Has No Fucking Idea Where to Swim After Converting His Wealth to Bitcoin

Posted on by John Sevigne

DUCKBURG, Calisota — Multi-billionaire businessfowl Scrooge McDuck is questioning his decision to convert his wealth to cryptocurrency after realizing he would not be able to swim in digital coins, sources close to the vulture capitalist confirmed.

“I took my nine impossibidillion dollars and put it all into Bitcoin, and within days I had already made an additional five multiplujillion without doing a thing,” said McDuck while gazing longingly at an empty vault that once contained thousands of gold coins. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact I’m making money, but if I can’t swim around in my earnings and squirt coins out of my mouth like a fountain then none of this seems worth it. I want to show that son of a flightless bird Flintheart Glomgold that he’s always going to be number two, but it’s tougher when I’m just sending him screenshots of a digital wallet.”

McDuck’s nephew Louie Duck claimed he was the one that introduced his wealthy uncle to cryptocurrency.

“My uncle is a shrewd businessman but he always made his money the old fashioned way. When I explained to him how valuable Bitcoin could potentially be, his bill spun around his head three times and then his eyes turned into money symbols and started making a ‘cha ching’ sound,” said Duck while shopping for another green hat and shirt combo. “I’ve been working with Huey and Dewey to launch our own crypto, and having Uncle McDuck fully on board with digital currency could actually make this a reality. If this goes right, then we will finally be able to buy a pair of pants.”

Self-proclaimed cryptocurrency expert Tyler Samuelson said that the inability to flaunt digital wealth is one of the biggest drawbacks of Bitcoin.

“Scrooge McDuck is not alone in his desire to rub his immense wealth in the face of his rivals. Sure, you can buy a ton of NFTs for millions of dollars, but nobody gives a shit about glorified JPEG files,” said Samuelson. “The best thing McDuck can do with his digital fortune is anonymously spend it on the dark web to hire hackers and assassins to take out his enemies. It’s what Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos do every single day.”

At press time, McDuck reportedly reassigned his Money Bin security guard Gizmoduck to mine Bitcoin 24 hours a day.

I Seriously Doubt All of These Bathroom Graffiti Artists Fucked My Mom

Posted on by Janson Prieb

Alright, now I’m starting to get skeptical. I went in here to take a piss during this Battle of the Bands and, while the facilities were surprisingly adequate, I’m now faced with some of the most ridiculous claims I’ve ever read! Seriously, how am I supposed to believe each and every one of these bathroom graffiti artists fucked my mom? That just doesn’t sound like her.

Seriously? All of them??? I can see her banging the first one. He had great penmanship, which was something my mother found very important as I recall. But all 37?! Highly unlikely.

Okay, well let’s at least do the math. She was with my dad from the dawn of time until their divorce in 2016. And, sure, Mom said she was a bit of a free spirit upon discovering online dating after her divorce, but I seriously doubt all these men got to know Janice intimately enough to actually make it to the bedroom. I’m brimming with doubt. Hell, the phone number they have up there isn’t even hers. Silver lining, at least they collectively agree she’s a “good time.”

Perhaps there is foul play afoot. I mean, “I fucked your mom last night” and “Your mom came over last night” are nearly identical, which indicates that perhaps a copycat was at work here. “Tell ur mom I said hi.” Psh. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that in a truck stop in Virginia, though the graffiti in that bathroom did make some compelling points about my sexuality.