Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Dead Punk Identified By Tattoo Infections

Posted on September 11, 2021 by Dom Turek

HENDERSON, Nev. — A local punk found dead under an overpass with no phone or ID was quickly identified by friends after they recognized her distinct tattoo infections.

“As soon as I saw the familiar green pus oozing out of that Crass tattoo, I knew it was Lisa,” said Brianna “Barf” Weston, Lisa Moriarty’s longtime roommate. “I still remember the day she got that infection. The tattooer told her to keep the plastic wrap on for a few hours, but she took it off immediately and then fell asleep tattooed side down on a park bench that’s usually reserved for pigeons. It never looked the same after that.”

Moriarty’s many tattoo infections were instrumental in making a positive ID of her body, including the staph-infected F.O.A.D. tattoo on her neck, the MRSA-laden barbed wire around her wrist, and the Black Flag tattoo on her ass with one of the flags partially hanging from the epidermis.

“Finding out she died from blunt force trauma to the head and not from the severity of her multiple flesh-eating tattoo infections is nothing short of amazing,” said Daniel Aguirre, the medical examiner on the case. “Thirty-two years on the job and I thought I’d seen and smelt it all; but this was like inhaling a bag of feet wrapped in burning hair and stuffed into a wrestling mat. I had to wear the hazmat suit usually reserved for autopsying radiation victims.”

Friends and family of Moriarty wish she’d kept better care of herself while she was alive, but they’re thankful her piss-poor hygiene led to a proper burial.

“She was my best and worst customer,” said Tyrone Debellis, Moriarty’s friend and primary tattoo artist. “I would tell her to gently wash the tattoo with unscented antibacterial soap and stay out of the sun, but it looked like she used a Brillo pad and pond water and then set the tattoo on fire. She could make fresh ink look like it was 30 years old in a week. I’d never seen anything like it, and I hope to never again.”

At press time, Moriarty’s friends were seen planning to get matching tattoo infections in her honor.

How To Get More Acid When the Golden Gopher Who Defends the Moon Gate Won’t Let You Speak With the Prince of Stars

Posted on September 10, 2021 by James Knapp

So, it’s all come down to this. Right at the peak of your trip, and just on the cusp of figuring out the secret of the immortal lake Satanists, you find yourself completely out of acid. But wouldn’t you know it, that goddamn greedy gopher is in your way again!

Well, never you worry. Here is a foolproof way to get more acid from the Prince of Stars.

First things first. You’re gonna need a way to break the spell from the Golden Gopher’s hypnotic fan dance. Fortunately, it has a weakness for the tonic of the ancients. Procure the powdered bones of your enemies, and mix them with a 40 oz. of Steel Reserve. This should cause the gopher to abandon his attempts to mesmerize you and cause it to return to slumber under the apartment stairwell from whence they manifested.

Now that the Moon Gate is open to you, you must know the exact incantation to access it, or else you may exact the ire of the chum goblins from the realm of 426-B. To pass the gate, you must demand entry with thirty or forty firm knocks and extoll the sacred password, “Hey, Jeremy, you up?”

If the ritual is completed to perfection, then the Prince of Stars will accept your entry.

The Prince has many rules. First, don’t stare at his sweatpants; they contain the souls of those who dared doubt his champion, the Colossus of Taco Bell Wrappers. Also, the Beacon of Gentle Testicle Grazes is crashing there for a few days, so don’t try to flirt back with her.

Lastly, the Prince will demand payment for the acid you have sought, which can be handled in two ways. Either you may exchange the requested amount of eleven newt skins, or wield nearby the Throne of Kitchenette and make haste with the goods.

Now that you have left the moon dimension, you’re free to resume consuming that sweet acid. Which is good, because you’re sobering up and are pretty sure you just hit your drug dealer with a dining room chair and stole his LSD. Well, whatever, back to the doom portal. Huzzah!

Stoner Proves Weed Is Not Addictive By Going Without It for 12 Entire Hours

Posted on September 10, 2021 by Tyler Roland

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local stoner Dave Truman set out to prove to friends, family, and acquaintances that weed is not addictive by abstaining from the narcotic for 12 consecutive hours, disinterested sources confirmed.

“I smoke weed to keep me calm, and a ton of my friends always text me about it like, ‘you’re definitely addicted,’ ‘quit stealing money from me to buy weed,’ and ‘you’re sweating so much because you’re having withdrawals,’” said Truman between alarmingly long bong rips. “It was pissing me off, so I decided to prove that I could cut it out of my life whenever I wanted to. Look what happened! With the help of a few edibles, I made it half of a day without touching weed. I proved a lot to myself, and I think I proved a lot to my so called ‘loved ones.’”

Truman’s friend J.P. Baldwin was one of the few not impressed with his friend’s death-defying experiment.

“I know for a fact that he slept for the majority of those 12 hours because he stole a handful of my Xanax and then just passed out on my couch,” said Baldwin. “When he woke up and realized that none of us had any weed, he looked like he was about to puke. I’ve never seen anyone hold back tears because they couldn’t get a little high from skunk weed. But when he passed the 12-hour mark of sobriety he really became insufferable. He made it seem like it was his choice to abstain, and not just poor planning on his part.”

Cannabis Culture Analyst April Williamson admitted that Truman’s drug of choice was a tricky one to classify.

“The fact you could ‘quit’ cannabis at any time used to be a big selling point for the drug. We’ve all watched ‘Half Baked,’” said Williamson while rolling a comically large joint inside a piece of construction paper. “That said, we may re-brand marijuana as more and more stoners across the nation refuse to go without it for anything more than six or seven hours. Lots of users across the country are almost making it through their entire workday without lighting up, and that’s pretty impressive if you ask me.”

At press time, Truman was at a local bar, laughing at a friend that was on his third beer of the night, while researching blacklight posters for his apartment on his phone.

Help! I Got My Tattoo of the Parental Advisory Sticker Removed and Now I Can’t Say Swear Words!

Posted on September 10, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Drat! For once in my gadbum life, I was being responsible. I finally did the adult thing and paid a farking paunchload of cash to get this tattoo of the “parental advisory” sticker removed from my flunking stomach, and all of a sudden I can’t say any farking cuss words! Blazes!

Sure, this tattoo looked pretty honkin’ sick when I got it in high school. They say you should keep a drawing of your tattoo idea in your pocket for at least a year before deciding to get it. Well, I wrote down this idea in 8th grade and by 9th grade I still wanted it, which was at least three times that long.

However, as a self-respecting adult with a burgeoning career in movie theater hospitality, I decided it was time to get it laser removed. But now my ability to reprimand movie-talkers and movie-shushers alike has been majorly hindered. How will I be able to use verbose language to berate my more rambunctious clientele without my tenured affinity for the profane?! This is billshut!

Tipper Gore really muffed me on this one.

I’ve considered just getting the same tattoo again, but even then there’s no guarantee that would magically give me the ability to swear. I’m not really sure how this curse works. Is it like Frosty’s hat? Is it even a curse? If so, that would be pretty ironic.

Either way, I’m relegated to my fate. If I may never again be able to utter a curse word, then so be it. I will cast off my former identity as the coolest guy at this AMC still wearing a chain wallet and awaken reborn as a run-of-the-mill polo-wearing Joe who says good morning and means it. I’m not ditching the chain wallet, though.

Punk’s Net Worth Skyrockets as Drink Tickets Become Spendable Again

Posted on September 10, 2021 by Gary Doyle

CHICAGO — Local punk Jacob Brown found his net worth has skyrocketed now that drink tickets are redeemable again at reopened venues across the city, sources close to the free-drink-rich man confirmed.

“Things were a bit touch and go there for a while, but I knew all I had to do was hold the line and these babies would be worth their weight in Pabst,” exclaimed Brown while clutching several repurposed raffle tickets. “People kept telling me things like ‘they’re worthless’ and ‘the rent is overdue’ and ‘please, I’m begging you to get a job’ but I knew that they were just haters who didn’t believe in what I was doing here. These things don’t depreciate in value like regular forms of currency, but most financial advisors completely ignore drink tickets as a means to build long term wealth.”

Brown’s girlfriend Grace King confirmed this purported lack of belief in his long term financial strategy.

“He’s been like this for the whole pandemic,” sighed an exasperated King. “At first I thought it was kind of endearing. Like, he’d show me graphs and tell me how we were going to the moon or some shit. It took me a couple of months to realize that his ‘portfolio’ was a bunch of paper scraps left over from when he opened a couple of local shows. Now for date nights he only brings me to the same shitty bar, as if I don’t remember being the only audience member the last time they played there. I will say the place is nicer when it hasn’t been emptied out by live music, though.”

Local bartenders are also frustrated with Brown’s flaunting of his newly found wealth.

“He just comes in here and constantly orders our cheapest, shittiest beers and gets a smug look on his face when he pulls out yet another drink ticket from 2019,” complained bartender Shane Collins. “Normally I don’t mind people cashing these in, but I’m pretty sure they’ve been in his pants pocket for the entire pandemic. This guy doesn’t even tip, and the worst part of it all is that I’m pretty sure most of these tickets aren’t even for this bar. I make a point of watering his beers down so he’s probably never been more hydrated in his life!”

Despite boasting about his recent financial success, at press time Brown was seen borrowing five dollars from his girlfriend for what he fraudulently claimed will be the last time.

Woman Feeling Left Out Spends Afternoon Catching Up on 25 Years’ Worth of Blue’s Clues

Posted on September 9, 2021 by Krissy Howard

BLUEFIELD, W.V. — Local woman Erica Forster is currently on hour nine of watching 25 years’ worth of Blue’s Clues, following a viral video released by the show’s former host earlier today, according to sources.

“Everyone within a 10-year window of my age group is sharing these screenshots and memes of some guy named Steve saying very sweet things, apparently, and I want in, dammit,” Forster said. “Right now this video means nothing to me, so I’m gonna have to do what I do anytime a friend of mine has a kid and force a connection if I want to be included at all.”

Forster laid out a cut-and-dried plan to start and finish the show, which first aired in 1995, which she began executing when she awoke around 11:45 a.m.

“First thing’s first, I have a fuck ton of snacks ready to go and will be forgoing any bathroom breaks by not drinking water, ever, which I know from experience works,” she explained. ”I plan on fudging the numbers just a little by watching some compilations on YouTube, which should at least buy me one reference to get an early tweet out there. From there, I don’t see sunlight until this series is under my belt. I’ve got plenty of time and my neighbor’s very strong and not password-protected internet connection, and I don’t plan to stop until I feel something close to even one of the emojis expressed on my timeline. If you think I’ve got some important job or a family or even a dog to distract me from this, you’ve got the wrong bitch, brother.”

Those close to Forster’s report that she has displayed this type of behavior many times before.

“I thought the ‘Friends’ reunion situation was bad, but this is just worrisome,” said former roommate and longtime friend Danny Dodson. “I think most of her time is spent watching shows that aired three decades ago, just to be in on a conversation that will surely be over long before she finishes them. Also, I honestly don’t know what she’s been into for most of her life, since she doesn’t seem to know who anyone is or get any cultural references until someone related to those things either dies or gets in trouble for sexual assault. Either way, her reaction is always just ‘SMH’ with the prayer hands emoji, which is surprisingly effective in both scenarios.”

At press time, Forster was getting ahead of things by listening to every single piece of work in Iggy Pop’s catalog.

Selfless Woman Willing to Bathe Jake Gyllenhaal for Him

Posted on September 9, 2021 by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Compassionate Queens native Kacey Mora selflessly volunteered her time to help bathe actor and infrequent washer Jake Gyllenhaal, sources close to the altruistic woman confirmed.

“I don’t always make time for volunteer work, but when I read that one of my favorite actors, Jake Gyllenhaal, who coincidentally happens to be extremely attractive in a boy-next-door, down to earth way, had told members of the press he doesn’t shower very often, I felt like I had to step in,” Mora said. “Sometimes an opportunity arises and you just have to jump on it, or gently straddle it and lower yourself onto it. People say it takes a village. Well, I’m willing to step up. I think they say that about taking care of kids, but to clarify, I’m more into caring for handsome, versatile actors in their early 40s.”

The recent trend of celebrities forgoing showers has also inspired Jim Dominguez to start a small business bathing Hollywood stars.

“Until recently, people weren’t aware how many celebrities have been going around unscrubbed and unlathered, but some of the industry’s leading artists have been crying out about this for years,” Dominguez said. “Brad Pitt admitted to this a decade ago, and he’s been stinking up awards shows and sets around the world. I’m even offering group rates, for say, power couples like Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. I consider this my way of giving back to the community.”

Celebrity gossip columnist Perez Hilton explained that while the news of stars’ poor hygiene may be daunting, many Americans are ready to step in and help.

“In times like these, I like to think of Fred Rogers’ iconic advice and look for the helpers,” Hilton said. “One thing I’ve learned in my many years documenting celebrities’ lives is that no matter how obscure an actor may seem, there is some poor sap out there willing to do almost anything for them. If Mariah Carey decided tomorrow that she wanted to stop using plastic bags, within an hour, I could find ten people willing to clean up her dog’s shit with their hands. It’s the sort of desperate, deranged cult of personality that has kept me in business for years.”

Overwhelmed by the excitement of the opportunity, Mora had requested a few minutes alone to come down from the breathless anticipation of her acts of charity.

White House Announces Air Bud Will Lead Talks with Taliban Since There’s Nothing in the Rulebook That Says He Can’t

Posted on September 9, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — The White House has announced that Air Bud will lead talks with the Taliban because there’s nothing in the rulebook that says he can’t.

“We are proud to announce that Bud, a golden retriever mix who is also good at basketball, will be the U.S. representative to the Taliban,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki. “While we realize this is an unorthodox choice, no single clause in the rulebook says that this dog can’t open negotiations with Taliban forces currently controlling Afghanistan, so no one can really tell us no. The current administration has full confidence in this dog, who can bounce a basketball very well with his nose, in establishing a lasting peace with Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada.”

Political analyst Peter Swister was cautiously optimistic about the announcement.

“This is a radical move, but in times of emergency we have to do what we can. It may seem foolhardy to give negotiations with a longtime adversary like the Taliban to a dog whose greatest achievement thus far has been winning a middle school basketball tournament,” Swister said while pouring a highball of scotch and coke and drinking it without pause. “But, what’s the better idea? Do you have a better idea? C’mon, any idea?”

US attache Armin Beckman had conflicted feelings about the announcement.

“I’ve worked in Middle East relations for over 35 years and now they’re giving things over to a fucking dog?” Beckman said. “It’s an embarrassment to the decades of work that diplomats like myself have done in this area, unlike that dog who hasn’t done anything but lick himself in… that area. Since 1921, people like myself have been working to ensure the safety of Afghanistan. Bud hasn’t done a damn thing other than learn how to shake, and he doesn’t even do that every time, especially not when you try to take a video of it. Things are an absolute mess. The Taliban controls everything, ISIS-K is moving in, the fucking Russians are probably going to hamstring us. But a dog, c’mon. What the fuck?”

As of press time, Air Bud had authorized drone strikes on targets in central Kabul after accidentally dropping his ropey bone on an inkwell next to a pile of executive orders.

Uber Eats Forgot Your Drink? Here’s How to Front Load 20 Years of Repressed Rage Into This One Moment

Posted on September 9, 2021 by Dan Rice

When my Uber driver arrived at my home without the drink that I ordered to go with my meal, the drink I PAID for and 100% expected to be delivered, I became immediately irate. I balled my hands into fists, closed my eyes and started counting to ten. All of the sudden, it hit me: why am I letting this one little thing make me so angry, when I could just seize this opportunity and be mad at everything that has ever happened to me all at once?!

What I discovered was an entirely new way to approach self-care. I call it “lashing out.”

Yes, by channeling all of my deep-seated anger and resentment into this one incident, I have purged a lifetime of built-up toxicity from my body. By following this thought train, you can do the same!

Imagine a Coke bottle
I believe this image came to me because the item in question was in fact a Coke (my GODDAMN Coke!) I realized that I tend to shove all of my anger into a Coke bottle deep inside myself. It’s a perfect system! Now, to just allow the bottle to explode gloriously!

This is not the first time this has happened
They pulled this same shit 2 weeks ago. SAME RESTAURANT!

You have often been denied soda in your life
Our Mom would NEVER let us drink any soda! All we drank was juice! Well I HATE juice, Mom. Fuck you! I am an ADULT and I am supposed to be able to buy SODA whenever I GOD DAMN FEEL LIKE IT!!!

She also withheld love.

You don’t want a refund!
A REFUND doesn’t put soda in my mouth, which is what I paid for!

You never got to have it out with your old man
That piece of shit sold our dog for GAMBLING MONEY and kicking his ass now would mean NOTHING because he’s OLD and WEAK!

You never asked to be born!
OKAY?! I never even wanted to BE HERE in the FIRST PLACE! So, maybe if I want a SODA to help me cope with the pain of my own NON-CONSENSUAL EXISTENCE, I should fucking GET IT!

It’s supposed to WORK!
RIGHT?! Isn’t that the whole trade off of this technocratic Orwellian nightmare we fucking live in? That, at the very LEAST, when you order a cup of soda delivered to your home like a mouth-breathing ASSHOLE, you’re supposed to fucking GET IT?!

And that’s it! You are now ready to yell at your delivery person. Just be sure to pepper in a few muttered “I mean I know it’s not your fault”s between screamed obscenities, otherwise you’ll seem like some kind of psycho!

Frontman’s Greatest Fear Realized When Guitarist Turns Out To Be Pretty Good Singer Too

Posted on September 9, 2021 by James Knapp

SCRANTON, Penn. — Toby Louvern, lead vocalist in doom-pop band Expired Sex, was stricken with the deepest existential terror of his life during a recent songwriting session when the group’s rhythm guitarist turned out to be “not a half-bad singer either,” petrified sources confirmed.

“It’s not fair, I tell ya! It’s just not fair! I’m supposed to be the singer. Me! Me! Me!” pouted Louvern while refusing to come out of the shared practice space bathroom. “I put my heart and soul into these songs. But who even am I any more if it turns out any old jagoff can move their voice up and down in time? I hope he doesn’t think he’s going to sing on the album, or get a live mic when we play shows. I will leave the band if that happens. Then this group will be nothing! They’re a bunch of talentless scum without a frontman like me.”

Guitarist Geoff Bentrell wasn’t fazed by his ability as a singer or by Louvern’s reaction.

“I was just playing the band a new song I was working on and, even though I don’t usually write lyrics, I wanted to sing a couple of ideas I had for the chorus. I swear I wasn’t trying to show off or anything. I guess I didn’t realize how upset [Louvern] would get about me showing how I thought the ‘na na na na, na na na nas’ should go,” explained Bentrell. “Really I blame myself for not knowing better. One time while we were having lunch our bassist hummed a couple lines of the Oscar Meyer jingle and Toby fully tackled him into a lit stove.”

“We weren’t even having hotdogs that day,” Bentrell added sorrowfully.

Band member dynamics expert Dr. Bridget Gross detailed how a shift in a group’s power center can have devastating consequences.

“Bands are inherently caustic by nature, as their overabundance of ego is near universally matched by an irresponsible lack of talent and skill. Any time the power balance shifts in the slightest it can lead to catastrophic reactions,” explained Dr. Gross. “Fortunately, in this instance, a guitarist trying to sing is fairly routine and might result in nothing more than a couple of awkward house shows. But if it had been a keyboardist or, god forbid, a trombone player, well then I doubt we’d ever find the body.”

Louvern was last seen manically plucking a ukelele he found and shouting that he “can play the dumb stringy boxes too” if he wants.

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