A lot of motherfuckers got something to say about me performing at the Freedom 250 concert, so I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Unlike treasonous snakes such as Bret Michaels and Young MC and Martina McBride and Morris Day and all of the Commodores and the second C from C+C Music Factory, I love our country and am honored to represent it the best way I know how – by performing “Ice Ice Baby”.
Let me be clear, I am not a political person. I’m an “Ice Ice Baby” person. Did I vote for Trump in the past 3 elections? Yes. Do I condone everything he has done in office? Yes. Am I only performing because Trump asked me to? Hell no! I’m performing because Trump is the only person in the last 20 years to ask me to perform anything other than a home inspection. Simply put, I’ll play for anyone who has an appreciation for early ‘90s rap with pop crossover appeal, whether it be an intimate performance in Dennis Kucinch’s living room or at the Nuremberg Opera House for Adolf Hitler himself!
Calm down, snowflakes! Let me finish! I would also fully perform for the Jews at Auschwitz! That’s what people don’t seem to understand: “Ice Ice Baby” is for everyone. Whether you’re starving, wearing striped pajamas, or committing genocide with the homies, your ass will be dancing at a Vanilla Ice show. Whether or not I personally believe in ethnic cleansing is totally irrelevant. If Hitler wants to get funky, who am I to not perform “Ice Ice Baby” for him? I would actually consider it a war crime against me if I didn’t.
Look, this is what I do. Or what I did, I guess, before I started flipping houses. If you want someone to do the Holocaust, you go to Hitler. If you want someone to perform “Ice Ice Baby”, you come see me. Everyone’s always saying if they had a time machine they’d go back and kill Hitler. But me? I’m a man of peace. I’ll perform “Ice Ice Baby” and maybe even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze song for the prosperity of the Third Reich, but it’s got nothing to do with politics. And everything to do with heart.
Who knows, maybe Hitler would even come back with me in my time machine, and I could show him how we get down in Florida! Take him out four-wheeling, get his ass laid, chill poolside at Mar-A-Lago. Shit, we could have him give a speech at the Freedom 250 concert, y’all know he was a great orator! And see y’all wanted to kill this man when all he needed was for me to perform “Ice Ice Baby” at him. But as I said, everyone just needs to “collaborate and listen” instead of “spreading hate and friction”. Peace!
