WEST LONG BRANCH, N.J. – A shocking new poll shows that public taste recently shifted from wanting guitarists to put their foot on a monitor while they rip a solo to demanding more drummers to point at the camera with their drumstick, stunned analysts confirmed.
“Drummers making a face like they are trying to blow out a giant birthday cake just aren’t cutting it anymore,” said Gillian Mason of fivethirtyeight.com. “I believe that this is from the isolating effects the pandemic had. People want to know that the drummer is rocking out for them specifically, and by being pointed at, that connection is made. Public opinion is king, and as such, bands should no longer expect to appease their audiences solely by having the singer ride the mic stand around the stage like a pony.”
Photojournalist Del Canning has felt the demand, but has struggled to capture the special moments.
“When I’m on the stage trying to get that perfect shot, I’ll gesture like I want them to, but instead of pointing at me with their stick, they almost always tap their in-ear monitors and shrug like I’m the fucking sound guy or something,” lamented Canning as he looked futilely at a group of film negatives. “I’ve had success in the past by holding up a sign above the camera that reads ‘Point Here If You Love Bad Tattoos,’ but drummers usually aren’t the strongest readers. Hopefully we’ll see people wanting more shots of drummers looking up and opening their mouths like they’re about to be fed by a mommy bird, because they love doing that shit for whatever reason.”
The ripples from the poll have been felt all the way to Washington.
“I want my constituents to know that I hear them,” announced Rep. Jerry McNerney, D-Calif. in a statement just hours after the poll was published. “We’re creating a task force of industry insiders consisting of retired drummers, tour managers, and kindergarten teachers to make sure every American feels the validation of a rock drummer looking them straight in the eye and playfully singling them out as if to say ‘this person right here knows what’s up.’”
At press time, the results of a different poll revealed an alarming trend of Americans not wanting to see bassists literally at all.