The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

American Watching Squid Game Doesn’t See What’s So Scary About Playing School Yard Games While Being Shot At

Posted on October 30, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

WESTFIELD, Ind. — Local man Tom Simmons remains totally perplexed as to why everyone who watched “Squid Game” found the idea of getting shot at while playing school yard games so frightening.

“So I’m watching ‘Squid Guys’ or whatever. And there’s this supposedly ‘horrifying’ scene where they play ‘Red Light, Green Light’ and everyone gets shot. Big yawn. Maybe in Korea that’s scary, but here in the USA that’s just a fact of life. It’s practically a part of our public school curriculums,” said Simmons. “Then, spoiler alert, it turns out some old rich dude was pulling the strings and it’s a metaphor for how capitalism is a zero-sum game or whatever. I work 60 hours a week and can’t afford health insurance, bro. Tell me something I don’t know. Boring.”

Girlfriend Sydney Watkinson noted Simmons frequently “misses the point” of most shows and movies.

“Tom turns up his nose at pretty much anything that isn’t ‘Storage Wars’ reruns. But even worse, he’s completely numb to any media that criticizes America. Because apparently children living in constant fear of getting mowed down by an assault rifle is ‘the cost of freedom, don’t tread on me,’” said Watkinson. “It was the same with ‘Black Mirror.’ Rather than focus on the horrors of late stage capitalism and surveillance states, he couldn’t get over how ‘everyone talked stupid.’ Is it possible he’s never heard British accents before?”

Netflix executive Vanessa Maynard said the company is aware of some Americans’ reaction to the hit show.

“As is standard in Hollywood when it comes to successful foreign TV shows, Netflix is exploring how we can ruin ‘Squid Game’ by adapting it for American audiences. The problem is most of us here are totally desensitized. Extreme violence? Inequality? Economic Stress? We’ve got that stuff coming out of our ears here in the Greatest Country in the World,” said Maynard. “Hell, the planet is literally dying all around us and we’ve collectively shrugged and then returned to guzzling down frappuccinos. I don’t think a game of ‘Red Rover’ with barbed wire or some shit is going to cut it.”

At press time, Netflix corporate office is fielding thousands of calls a day from Americans desperate to know if “Squid Game” is a real contest, and how they can sign up.

Second Responders Unable to Save Victim of Police Standoff

Posted on October 30, 2021 by James Howe

PINOLE, Calif. — Emergency Medical responders arrived at the site of a psychiatric distress call late Wednesday to find Sheriff’s Deputies already wildly firing their weapons into the home of Thomas Williams, multiple witnesses confirm.

“We did everything we could but ultimately in these situations you know you’re in for a heavy lift when you’re the second on the scene,” said EMT Franklin Douthat. “The officers shot the young man more than 30 times, and it appears they each reloaded at least once before releasing their dogs on him. The mother had a wound on her head and a bullet grazed her thigh. We were able to patch her up, but we pronounced the son dead as soon as the officers stopped laughing and posing for photos with the body.”

Neighbors who witnessed the shooting say the police response was a gross overreaction.

“I had seen Tom just an hour before while he was walking home from his part-time job reading to the elderly. But then I heard the yelling,” confirmed next-door neighbor Artie Keelin. “Tom was on the front porch having an episode. His parents tried all the usual tricks, but nothing worked. I don’t know who called 911 but all of a sudden 15 squad cars showed up and basically started to open fire. Two of them kicked in my front door, shot my salt-water fish tank, and spat on a portrait of my great aunt and they claimed it was to get a better tactical vantage point.”

Details of the stand-off have not been confirmed by the Contra Costa Sheriff Department.

“We must remember policing is dangerous. When the officers arrived, they may have been spooked by some of the Halloween decorations and did what any reasonable person would have done in the situation,” said county representative Aaron Kitland. “Furthermore, upon a thorough search of the home, Deputies found several objects that could be used as weapons. We will conduct a full internal investigation after the officers have deposited their bonus checks and received their trophies in the mail.”

Douthat treated four officers involved in the shooting for minor hand injuries that occurred while they were all vigorously high-fiving each other next to the dead body.

Feminist Win: This Size-inclusive Clothing Store Offers XXXXS To Large

Posted on October 30, 2021 by Claire Brown

Are you sick of the big chain stores and their constricting sizes? If so, feminism just got a huge win in the form of Layla’s, the female-owned boutique that’s revolutionizing shopping for women of all body types. This size-inclusive store offers pieces ranging all the way from XXXXS to large!

According to the store’s owner, Layla Blankenship, “Before opening this store, I always felt that the confines of small, medium, and large weren’t fitting for women like myself. One day, after combing the shelves of Gucci, Balenciaga, and Valentino looking for an XXXXS, I simply couldn’t believe how out-of-touch my favorite stores were with the average woman.”

Walking through Layla’s feels like liberation from the expectations of femininity. No matter your body type, you’re always welcome at Layla’s. And customers, particularly the tiny ones, are feeling that love.

According to shopper Maddy Orleans, “I absolutely love Layla’s. I could be shopping at one of the other stores if I wanted to, but shopping at Layla’s allows me to support women all over the world, like the little girls making these clothes who are empowered by getting to learn sewing and other career skills at such a young age.”

Some customers, particularly ones suffering from being curvy, have offered mixed feedback. But Layla’s is always striving to do better! Their goal is to create a world in which all paying customers feel safe in their own bodies. While corporations, lawmakers, and society in general may not have women’s best interests at heart, people like Layla Blankenship are on a mission to make all women feel good about their bodies. Ya know, as long as they’re rich enough to afford designer clothes.

Single Tear Rolls Down Travis Barker’s Cheek Upon Hearing New Pop Punk Song Not Featuring Him

Posted on October 30, 2021 by John Danek

LOS ANGELES – Blink-182’s virtuoso drummer, Travis Barker, shed a singular tear upon hearing that upstart pop-punk band Girlsack released their first single “Get Sniffed” without giving Barker a cameo, those close to the drummer confirmed.

“Aww come on, aren’t I good enough? Don’t I add enough fills and keep tempo? How could Girlsack do this to me? I’m not sure what I have to do at this point,” lamented a dejected Barker, who has been guest featured on every major pop-punk release since 2015. “Everyone knows I’m the pop-punk drummer guy; ME. Their drummer is really good, but what if you had like. Two drummers for a few songs. That would be so cool. You can’t just ignore me, Girlsack. Come on, let me on ‘Get Sniffed.’ Let me on! Even just a remix, don’t leave me like this. Why God, why?”

Toronto’s Girlsack admit that they had no idea Barker would take such an omission so personally.

“He DM’ed us after our demo came out saying ‘If you ever want a guest on drums, hmu!’ with so many winking face emojis that it kept causing our Instagram app to crash,” recounted Girlsack bassist/singer Bonnie Powell, who admits that Blink-182’s catalogue has been permanently soiled for her after this ordeal. “We were all stoked on that message, but no one actually thought it was a serious offer. Also, this is our first release recorded in a real studio for a label, are we just supposed to tell our drummer Todd to go fuck himself? When we released the song he kept sending us misty-eyed mirror selfies. But lately he’s been sending pictures of all his guns, it’s kind of scary.”

Barker’s current bandmate Mark Hoppus is an expert on dealing with the extremely sensitive drummer.

“Yeah, this sounds par for the course for Travis. He can’t handle feeling like he’s been left out in any way,” explained Hoppus, who has to constantly reassure Barker that he doesn’t miss Scott Raynor. “And now for the next few weeks, he’s going to post screenshots of crappy poems written in the iOS Notes app and keep tagging Girlsack in them. He’ll get over it, probably the next time I forget to introduce him first during a concert.”

Barker’s troubles continue, as TMZ reports Kourtney Kardashian is rethinking her engagement to him after learning of his absence on Girlsack’s “Get Sniffed.”

Real Life “Scream?” Someone Is Calling My Phone

Posted on October 29, 2021 by Dan Rice

In 1996, horror master Wes Craven took the entire genre in a new direction with the release of “Scream,” a movie about the terrifying consequences of using your phone as a phone. In the world of movies, this premise made for entertainment of the highest caliber. Unfortunately, in a terrifying case of life imitating art, some deranged psychopath has attempted to call my phone, and my life has been a waking nightmare ever since.

It would seem that somewhere out there some sick fuck wants to play some sort of game with me. Or, like, maybe it was a butt dial? Who the hell calls people?!

What’s next, dream demons who kill you in your sleep? Killer dolls? What about leprechauns in the hood, are they real?

According to my phone, the caller is my cousin Greg. But since Greg is my age and not a deranged psychopath, there is no way Greg is calling me instead of texting! In all likelihood Greg has been staged nearby, tied to a chair to be murdered by the elusive ghostface killer right before my eyes.

The way I see it I have two options. Option one: I make a run for it here and now. It’s risky. I don’t know which door ghostface is hiding behind and I would sort of be leaving Greg high and dry. On the other hand, getting help right away could be Greg’s best chance of survival, and honestly, I’ve never been that crazy about Greg to begin with. He’s sort of a “Rogan guy.” Option 2: I pick up the phone, and the game begins.

Honestly, I think I could survive a cat-and-mouse game of horror movie trivia. I’ve seen a lot of them, and I wouldn’t be tripped up by any basic ass “Jason doesn’t show up until the sequel” horseshit. But would that matter? If Drew Barrymore had answered that question correctly, would Ghostface have cut her boyfriend loose and let them both live? The prospect is dubious at best.

I knew I shouldn’t have had all of that beer and weed sex this morning, really shot myself in the foot, horror rule-wise.

Okay there’s a voicemail. It’s my Mom. She ran into Greg at the store and wanted to tell me but she asked to use Greg’s phone because I never answer when she calls. It looks like I’m safe for the time being but Mom might take this as an excuse to pop by unannounced, so I should probably still go get a gun.

Romantic Fall Activity Endured

Posted on October 29, 2021 by Krissy Howard

NEWBURGH, N.Y. — A romantic day-date activity was undergone and endured by a local couple early yesterday morning, sources who are glad to be back home and watching Netflix in their sweatpants confirmed.

“I have the day off, the air is crisp, and I love my girlfriend, so I figure what better way to appreciate all of that than to subject both of us to an afternoon that’s somehow simultaneously boring and enraging,” said regretful fool who now has two dozen cinnamon donuts on his hands, Ryan Castillo. “I’m proud to say we got through it, and we’re even still together and everything. Sure, my clothes are wet, I’m freezing, and I’ve somehow survived carrying 60 pounds of apples all day with my only nutrients coming from hot chocolate and maple syrup candy, but I’ll be damned if we didn’t get 200 of basically the same photo, which only my mom will be happy to comment on.”

Other couples who have subjected themselves to similar ventures offered tips for persisting in future inevitable occasions.

“When me and Sadie first met we thought it would be cute to visit a pumpkin patch out in the sticks, and learned our lesson the hard way,” said person who’s better for it now, Deandra McCombs. “Fall activities can be survived, it’s just important to keep the basics in mind — stay hydrated, locate all bathrooms and exits immediately, and bring her a heavy jacket no matter what she or your weather app says. The rest is up to God.”

Romance experts confirmed that engaging in seasonal activities with significant others results in experiences that are “technically nice but objectively awful.”

“Every fall, millions of couples everywhere make plans amongst themselves to visit and engage in photogenic activities, but have no idea what they’re getting themselves into,” said couples therapist and thrice-divorced woman, Dr. Patty Juliano. “At best, couples can expect a decent photo or, in some cases, a few bites of a pumpkin spice creme brulee donut, or something. Many, however, experience irritation, moodiness, and an inability to see their significant other as sexually desirable after having witnessed them become incomprehensibly lost in a corn maze for upward of 35 minutes.”

At press time, Castillo destroyed tickets he procured for a seven-hour long steam-powered train ride through the countryside and instead plans to enjoy his time masturbating, and rewatching The Office in a room with WiFi and heat.

Photo by Dom Turek.

Opinion: For the Last Goddamn Time, We’re Not a Ska Band. We’re the London Philharmonic Orchestra

Posted on October 29, 2021 by Peter Woods

Alright, listen. I’m sick of dealing with this over and over again, so I’m setting the record straight for good right now. Every couple of months some yahoo comes in off the street and makes the same ridiculous claim and I just need everyone to collectively pull their head out of their ass and stop wasting my time.

Here it is: we’re not a ska band. We’re the London Philharmonic Orchestra.

And I know what all of you are about to say. I’ve heard every single argument and none of it makes sense. Yes, I understand that we have way more than four people on stage who all wear the same black and white outfit and some of them play trombone. That does NOT make us a ska band. Lots of musical groups have trombones and most of them play music that isn’t ska.

I can’t believe I need to spell this out, but you have to play ska music to be a ska band. This should not be hard.

Like, honestly. If we were a ska band we’d be called something moronic like The London Philharmonic Orchest-ska. And yes, you can use that. I know you want to.

Also, I think it’s incredibly insulting that you all keep telling me that I’m “The Bosstone” of this ska band. First, were not a ska band. Second, there is only one Bosstone and he’s the guy that stands off to the side at Mighty Mighty Bosstones and skanks while the rest of the band plays music. He doesn’t do anything besides dance. He’s completely superfluous.

I, on the other hand, am the conductor. I don’t “dance” while I’m up here. I’m conducting the orchestra and tell them what to do.

And the fact that you think this is how I dance really shows how little you think of me.

So that’s it. We’re an orchestra. We play classical music. So please stop screaming “pick it up” over and over again during this Haydn symphony and let us get back to the concert.

Fest Security Accidentally Lets 40 Different Guys Who Look Like Chuck Ragan Backstage

Posted on October 29, 2021 by Goodrich Gevaart

GAINESVILLE, Fla — Volunteer security guards at The Fest accidentally let upward of 40 different guys who look like local music mainstay Chuck Ragan backstage at Bo Diddley Plaza without proper credentials, according to sources that also look like Chuck Ragan.

“No one wants to be the one who asked Chuck for his wristband when he’s trying to get ready for the show. Not that he would be mean about it, we just don’t like rustlin’ a fellas flannel down here,” said security volunteer Aaron Nichols. “Ya’ know, I probably let about ten guys backstage myself. They had beautiful lookin’ beards and strong forearms and they gave me a nod with confidence so I let ‘em in. It’s too late to tell if they’re not Chuck Ragan, but better safe than sorry.”

Members of The Fest production team did their best to clear the area of non-Chuck Ragans after the backstage area became overcrowded.

“I got a call on the walkie that said a buncha’ bearded guys in flannel were taking up space at the main venue’s backstage area, trading fishing tips and taking whiskey shots in honor of the ocean’s ceaseless majesty,” said Fest Co-Producer Megan Vittles. “So we tried to get everyone to show us ID. Most of them had a fishing license, but only one of them was supposed to be back there. I don’t know how this keeps happening every year.”

Not every musician playing The Fest was happy about the mass exodus of guys that looked like Chuck Ragan from backstage.

“They fuckin’ kicked me out right before I was supposed to play!” said a visibly aggrieved Tim Barry. “I don’t have no ID because I don’t need one riding the rails down here and ain’t no person got the right to tell my free-spirit ass where he is or isn’t supposed to be.”

At press time, security is dealing with an issue involving numerous gangly, visibly anxious, awkward guys who look like Tin Tin with glasses hanging out backstage at the Chris Gethard comedy show.

Ouch: The Police Wanted Poster for Me Described My Beard as “Patchy”

Posted on October 28, 2021 by Rob Steinberg

Is this some kind of sick joke? After another fun night of delinquency I woke up this afternoon to stroll down my neighborhood only to be personally insulted on paper taped to every light post. This is cruel and unusual punishment.

Look, fine, whatever, so I set fire to some ATM machines and broke into cages at the zoo. I’m not defending that. What I am defending the weeks I put into growing my facial hair. My beard isn’t patchy. It’s very even and thick. The dense hairs are spread evenly across my chin like cream cheese on a bagel. This is my first attempt at a beard and I think it looks pretty good.

That police sketch is terrible. What art school dropout did they hire to draw that? They should be drawing caricatures on a boardwalk. And what’s with the acne? IF I had zits, which I do NOT, they would be covered by my beard, which is thick and perfectly groomed, thank you very much.

Whoever the witness that snitched on me is, they must need glasses or something. Did they not see how long the hairs are? If it was those security cameras then they better put more money in for better resolution. It would be awful if some loser who was clinging to some scraps on his face were to be framed for what was in my opinion the coolest series of crimes in history.

If my beard is patchy, then why do I have so many crumbs stuck in it? That’s the sign of some grown out facial hair. My beard is so thick, you could stick your fingers through it and get stuck. Just like what happened when I was petting that Bison I drugged.

If you don’t take down these posters I will sue. My parents live in this town and it would break their hearts to walk down the street and have the city falsely announce to the world that I can’t pull off adult facial hair. I know my libel laws.

I’ll see you in court. I’m sure you’ll recognize me, I’ll be the one in the prisoner’s jumpsuit with the amazing beard.

Cute Skeleton on Bench Outside of Library Actually Anti-Homeless Architecture

Posted on October 28, 2021 by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A skeleton mistaken for a seasonal decoration at a local library is suspected to be an architectural ploy designed to prevent houseless residents from resting in a supine position for any amount of time.

“I, for one, love the skeleton. It’s nice to see the city taking steps to keep our little community looking prim and proper and pleasing,” said concerned resident Nimby Reagan. “Those skeletons are just so festive, don’t you think? And not to mention they act as nice little accouterments to make sure that city infrastructure is being used for its intended purpose. Between that and the spike-covered jack-o-lanterns lining the enclosed porch, this space is looking better than ever.”

Others in the community sense more sinister motivation behind the decor.

“I obviously don’t want to get too political, but it’s obvious what they’re doing, isn’t it?” said a librarian who asked to remain anonymous. “People tend to congregate out there, the library is a safe space where people can come and seek shelter, and the bench right outside just so happens to be taken up by one of those skeletons? I knew something was up after the sharps disposal thing in the bathroom was replaced with a candy corn mosaic of Henry Ford.”

When asked for comment about their placement of the skeleton, city representative Clark Drummond was noticeably nervous.

“Uh, the city is obviously working to solve the homeless crisis, and these kinds of baseless spurious accusations are just fostering more division among everyone,” he explained. “Mayor Anderson and the City Commission are working around the clock to address the problem, and the idea that we would intentionally make the city a more hostile environment is ridiculous. Those skeletons are about good, wholesome family fun! They also release a noxious gas any time the bench has weight on it for more than 15 minutes, but that’s just funny.”

At press time, the skeleton located in front of the State Theatre was adorned with a little skeleton dog in a costume.

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