Pope Worried Punishing French Bishops Will Only Make Them Hornier

Posted on by Freelancer

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis admitted to being concerned that punishing the French clergy responsible for decades of sexual abuse of minors may only make them hornier, according to sources within the Vatican.

“Those who are guilty must live with the shame of the pain they have caused to these young people, and the dishonor they have brought upon the Church; but if we were to punish them with legal action or exposure, it may serve to only titillate those naughty priests further,” His Holiness Pope Francis decreed to the Roman Curia. “Surely, the greater punishment would be to relocate these evildoers somewhere in the French countryside, where, unknown to those communities, they would have to brood in their secret guilt among the world-class wineries and quaint patisseries.”

Gerard Roussel, a leading member of the commission that generated the bombshell report documenting decades of abuse by French clergy, agreed with the Pope’s assessment.

“Our findings of more than 200,000 victims of Catholic priests in France is absolutely horrific, but swift action to combat these wrongs would fly in the face of Catholic dogma,” Roussel argued. “The French bishops’ response to these allegations for years has been to cover them up, to protect the Church at all costs. To change that strategy now and disrupt the time-honored traditions of victim blaming and deceit would be to go against everything the Church stands for. Plus, these guys are total pervs. They probably want to be yelled at or whipped. Maybe even tied up and told they are going to Hell like the sick, sad, dirty boys that they are.”

Samir Donovan, a journalist who has covered the Church’s abuse scandal extensively, said that the link between shame and arousal within the clergy may go back centuries.

“Catholic priests are basically experts in shame-related kink, particularly in Europe. Many have extensive knowledge of medieval torture, a pathological disdain for their own corporeal urges, and profound shame around expressing any sexuality,” Donovan explained. “It’s impossible to know if predators are drawn to the Church, or if the Church’s policies draw out predatory behavior — probably both — but the guilty parties need to be punished, no matter how much it turns them on.”

At press time, a collection of Cardinals were hard at work selecting ceremonial ball gags for the priests to wear for the remainder of the investigation.

Pope Worried Punishing French Bishops Will Only Make Them Hornier

Posted on by Freelancer

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis admitted to being concerned that punishing the French clergy responsible for decades of sexual abuse of minors may only make them hornier, according to sources within the Vatican.

“Those who are guilty must live with the shame of the pain they have caused to these young people, and the dishonor they have brought upon the Church; but if we were to punish them with legal action or exposure, it may serve to only titillate those naughty priests further,” His Holiness Pope Francis decreed to the Roman Curia. “Surely, the greater punishment would be to relocate these evildoers somewhere in the French countryside, where, unknown to those communities, they would have to brood in their secret guilt among the world-class wineries and quaint patisseries.”

Gerard Roussel, a leading member of the commission that generated the bombshell report documenting decades of abuse by French clergy, agreed with the Pope’s assessment.

“Our findings of more than 200,000 victims of Catholic priests in France is absolutely horrific, but swift action to combat these wrongs would fly in the face of Catholic dogma,” Roussel argued. “The French bishops’ response to these allegations for years has been to cover them up, to protect the Church at all costs. To change that strategy now and disrupt the time-honored traditions of victim blaming and deceit would be to go against everything the Church stands for. Plus, these guys are total pervs. They probably want to be yelled at or whipped. Maybe even tied up and told they are going to Hell like the sick, sad, dirty boys that they are.”

Samir Donovan, a journalist who has covered the Church’s abuse scandal extensively, said that the link between shame and arousal within the clergy may go back centuries.

“Catholic priests are basically experts in shame-related kink, particularly in Europe. Many have extensive knowledge of medieval torture, a pathological disdain for their own corporeal urges, and profound shame around expressing any sexuality,” Donovan explained. “It’s impossible to know if predators are drawn to the Church, or if the Church’s policies draw out predatory behavior — probably both — but the guilty parties need to be punished, no matter how much it turns them on.”

At press time, a collection of Cardinals were hard at work selecting ceremonial ball gags for the priests to wear for the remainder of the investigation.

I Don’t Care What That Flyer Says, This Isn’t a Punkhouse So Please Stop Walking in on My Family During Dinner

Posted on by Kevin Tit

I’ve worked hard to provide a good life for my family. Forty years of blood, sweat, and tears were poured on that factory floor so that I could put this roof over our heads and ensure we have food on the table every night. No fancy sports cars or nothing. The only luxury I strive to afford is some peace and quiet. That’s why, for the last time, I don’t care what that damn flyer says; this is not a punkhouse, so you need to get the hell out of here and tell all your friends to stop walking in on my family during dinner!

I don’t even know what the hell a “Macaroni House” is. This ain’t it, though. This is my house. My name’s on the lease and it ain’t Macaroni. I actually find it pretty offensive that people see my house and think this might be some sort of gross, run-down punk rock hang out. Sure, the exterior could use a paint job, and the lawn could stand a mow, but with how often I’m on the phone with Google trying to get our address taken off the search results for that damn house, I haven’t had the time!

People can’t just go around walking into strangers’ homes. That’s a home invasion! I know my rights, and you’re lucky I don’t keep any guns in this house. I’m telling ya, if I didn’t suffer from severe depression and PTSD triggered by the many horrors I witnessed during my time working in the factory, I’d have at least twelve guns that would blow you back to Kingdom Come, which I assume is another one of your punk homes.

That’s all besides the point. Look, I’m a nice guy. It’s just extremely troubling how often strangers with spiked hair and black jackets just walk in around dinner time smoking a cigarette. And I thought telemarketers were bad! Heh. See, I still got a sense of humor about it. But my wife does not. In fact, she’s lost faith in my ability to protect her, and it’s beginning to put a strain on our marriage. So, for the love of everything decent in this world, please stop walking into my house.

Queen Elizabeth Cannot Remember At What Point She Knighted Sir Mix-a-Lot

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LONDON — Longtime royal and purveyor of British tradition Queen Elizabeth could not recall at what point in her life she knighted American rapper and songwriter Sir Mix-a-Lot, sources who attempted to explain “Baby Got Back” to her confirmed.

“There I was using the internet for the very first time to look up all the people with ‘sir’ in their official title, when all of a sudden someone named Sir Mix-a-Lot appeared as a Google entry,” said the Queen while scouring her official records in an attempt to confirm his knighthood status. “Granted, I’ve never heard of most of these sirs before. Like, who in bloody hell are Elton John and Paul McCartney? I meet a lot of people, so it’s not surprising if a few slip through the cracks. I haven’t paid attention to pop culture since the 1940s when entertainment was clearly at its peak. Anyway, I think I would’ve remembered knighting a guy like Mr. A-Lot.”

Anthony Ray, known professionally as Sir Mix-a-Lot, recalled his pathway to royalty.

“Oh yes, I got into the knight club in the mid-80s back when I was going through an amateur jousting phase and had collected several decorative lances,” said Ray while polishing his collection of rare medieval armor. “Not many people know this, but there’s actually a self-serve option of knighthood that you just mail in. You don’t have to go through some silly ceremony either, and it’s way easier to renew your royal membership by mail instead of waiting in some long line like you’re at the DMV. Maybe one day the Queen will let us renew this shit online like how the rest of the modern world does it.”

Experts provided additional insight into the longstanding practice.

“Being knighted is a very important piece of British history that most musicians will probably get to experience,” said historian Henrietta Geat. “The British have been knighting people literally since the Middle Ages. And if history tells us anything, it’s that those in power always stick to what they’ve been doing for centuries, regardless of how ridiculous or outdated it may look. Never break tradition.”

At press time, the Queen was checking the rules to see if she may take away honorary knighthood titles after hearing the music of Sir Bono for the first time and “not really caring for it, personally.”

5 Side Jobs That Will Earn You Extra Cash, but What Does It Profit a Man to Gain the World and Lose His Soul?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Money doesn’t grow on trees and we’re all about that, uhh, hustle. Yep. All about it. All the time. Us, hustling… Sorry, our heart just isn’t in this. Sure, we have five sick side jobs that can make you some extra cash, but why bother? For what does it profit a man to gain the entire material world, if the true price is his soul?

DoorDash Delivery – There’s always money in food delivery! In the last five years alone, restaurant delivery has grown over 30 percent. This is convenient for when you choose to waste your few dwindling days in this world in service of monetary gain. Every moment you spend chasing dollars is a moment your immortal spirit withers on the vine.

Rent Out Your Place – Got a spare room? Airbnb that sucker! And perhaps you will also come to find your home is now nothing more than another cog in the constant machine that forces you to scramble for scraps. When you turn your place of rest into another source of meaningless dross, there can be no rest for your spirit.

SAT Tutor – Back to school! Every day, there are thousands of kids that need help with the all-important SATs, and you can turn that academic desperation into cold hard cash. After all, even knowledge has been commodified. Everything is just more fodder for endless commerce, turned away from Heaven and all its bounties.

Write Erotic eBooks – Yeah, people fucking love that shit. The weirder the better.

Murder for Hire – It’s profitable, but you will absolutely end up in Hell. Now, think this one through: for a simple, basic murder, you can earn upwards of $10,000 for a single kill. Most of the time, you won’t even know what they did to deserve it. But the simple act of violence will put you in violation of the simplest law of the universe: thou shalt not kill. For this side hustle, you would be putting your immortal soul at risk.

But hey, it beats Uber.

Goth Files Discrimination Lawsuit After PTO Request for Halloween Denied

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEPTUNE, N.J. — Local supermarket cashier and goth Trish Sommers filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against her employer after her PTO request for Halloween was automatically denied by HR, sources within the store confirmed.

“My managers already treat me differently because I like spending my time doing charcoal rubbings in the graveyard and wearing fishnets to work even though they are ‘against the dress code,’ but stonewalling my time off request for the unholiest of days? This is bigotry, plain and simple,” said Sommers while feeding her seven black cats. “I don’t care if Halloween falls on a Sunday and we’re short staffed; all my Jewish coworkers got to take off for Yom Kippur and that holiday isn’t even fun. Shouldn’t I get the right to observe my holiday, rewatching Edward Scissorhands and drinking snakebites?”

The store’s HR representative was surprised by the lawsuit, but remained steadfast in their decision to deny the request.

“Trish already has had plenty of time off this year, what with her having the worst attendance on our staff by far. Two months ago she told me she needed time off for a family gathering, but it turned out that it was just to go to a Wednesday Addams costume contest,” said Colleen Wilkins. “Plus there’s the glaring obviousness that Halloween is not a religious holiday, so it’s pointless for her to claim this is a First Amendment violation. This is just like the time she tried to bring in an emotional support bat.”

Experts in anti-goth rhetoric noted that many businesses overlook, and sometimes diminish, alternate lifestyles.

“The past few Octobers, we’ve seen a shocking spike in anti-goth sentiment. In what should be the most festive time of the year, we must suffer the indignities of these fucking normies who wouldn’t know Manic Panic from L’Oreal,” said Spike Richards, founder of goth advocacy group Bela Lugosi’s Dad. “It’s far too common around this time of year to see things like employers banning corpse paint and capes because it ‘frightens customers’ or whatever.”

“This manager will callously deny Trish her right to observe Halloween, but I will bet they’ll probably turn around and leave work early so they can take their little shitbag kids out to trick or treat later that night. The hypocrisy is astonishing,” he added

As of press time, Sommers dropped the lawsuit after management agreed she could take the next day off to celebrate the Day of the Dead.

Tasteful Nude Distastefully Masturbated To

Posted on by Graham Isador

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eddy Taylor showed his appreciation for a beautifully composed and tastefully shot nude photo of his former co-worker posted on social media by hastily cranking one out on the crumb-covered futon of his shared apartment, he confirmed after a long look in the mirror.

“Trish and I used to wait tables together, and I had the biggest crush on her. So when I saw this photo pop up on my Instagram feed, I snapped into action,” said Taylor while pushing a pile of used tissues under his bed. “The photo was in black and white and I think she was in a forest or something? I cleared a few of the old pizza boxes off my bed to set the mood and I went to town like a plane crash survivor trying to start a fire out of twigs in the North Pole. Give me 30 minutes and I think I need to go for it again.”

The disgusting environment in which Taylor “beat the bishop,” littered with half-finished cans of White Claw and fraying concert posters, was not the setting in which model Trish Maddison intended the photo to be viewed.

“To me, posing naked in the forest was a chance to show that my body is a piece of nature the same as the trees or the moss,” said Maddison. “I’ve had a few health scares over the past year, and I know my body isn’t going to look this way forever. I wanted to document this moment for myself so I could appreciate this vessel that I’m inhabiting as I grow and evolve as a human. I never thought of the photo as inherently sexual; it’s simply me existing.”

Art historian Kristin Campbell noted that perverts have a long lineage of “jerking it to art nudes,” dating back thousands of years.

“Basically as long as people have been producing nude art, there have been men who tug the slug until it bursts into a shameful mess all over their stomach,” said Campbell. “If you’re a woman that wants to have a man jerk off to your photos, then good news: they already are. If you aren’t into that sort of thing, then just try to block it out of your mind. There is even evidence that early man stimulated themselves to rudimentary paintings on cave walls; they can’t be stopped.”

At press time, Taylor has been sending a number of off-putting DMs to his former co-worker asking how he can support her art.

Dad Reminiscing About 4-Hour Rush Concert Clearly Suffering from Stockholm Syndrome

Posted on by Ted Pillow

NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — 62-year-old Larry Dang’s intensely positive description of a Rush show he attended in 1983 suggests that he is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, concerned sources confirmed.

“That was the best night of my life! It was just me and 8,000 other Rush maniacs rocking to the point of exhaustion,” Dang explained while gesturing towards a framed set list and ticket stub from the concert. “They played all the hits, plus deep cuts. Sure, they played so long without a break that I developed a pretty nasty UTI from holding my pee until my bladder nearly ruptured. And yes, during the 90-minute encore I got so hungry that I was forced to eat the sleeves off a denim jacket I found on the urine-soaked floor. But not a day goes by that I don’t remember that concert and scream with joy.”

Larry Dangs’s daughter, Jacklyn Porter, is convinced that her father has the same complex psychological relationship with Rush that many hostages develop with their captors.

“My dad is a good man, he really is. But he’s still completely fucked up from that concert 30 years ago, and he doesn’t even realize how damaged he is,” admitted Porter. “He talks about it constantly. I know lots of boomers are like this, going on and on about Pink Floyd and Yes and how back in their day bands were artists and all that crap. But with Dad, you can tell his brain has serious trauma from that era. To this day, he enters a catatonic state any time he hears a drum solo or sees a large group of Canadians rhythmically swaying.”

Crisis negotiation experts agree that Rush is one of several bands with whom fans develop relationships that could be indicative of Stockholm Syndrome.

“These bands with diehard fans that follow them across the country, spending all their money to watch slightly different variations of the same self-indulgent sets over and over? Fuck yeah, that’s Stockholm Syndrome,” stated FBI agent Frank Stewart. “It fits all of the criteria. In fact, we treat any prog rock concert that lasts longer than two hours as an active hostage situation. Dream Theater is currently #4 on our Most Wanted List.”

As of press time, Dang was lying on the floor in the garage, listening to “Tom Sawyer” in the dark and moaning.

5 Halloween Costumes To Remind Your Kids That Mom and Dad Are Horny Sometimes

Posted on by Dan Rice

For kids, Halloween is all about candy. For parents, it’s an opportunity to show said children that Mommy and Daddy still have incredibly healthy libidos. Whether you and your spouse are off to a “grown-up party” or just taking the kids trick or treating, Halloween is the perfect time to burden your children psychologically with the fact that you guys can barely keep it in your pants half the goddamn time.

Pirates
A tried and true classic, pirate costumes can be found from Spirit Halloween to Dollar Tree, making them an ideal choice for any budget. It’s also an ideal choice for your bizarre predilection for perving the fuck out right in front of your freaking kids. A whole pillowcase full of king size Reese’s won’t be enough for your kids to suppress the thinly veiled “plundering booty” and “peg leg” jokes Dad is sure to make before making out with wench-Mom HARD.

Plug/outlet
Available in one version or another at most major costume outlets, what this couple’s costume lacks in titillation it more than makes up for in implication. It is suggestiveness that literally a child can pick up on; namely your child, who is fucking horrified by this way more than they are by any Freddy or Jason movie.

Cop/criminal
This one hits hard. Not only is the cop costume available almost exclusively in “sexy” versions for either gender, the cop/criminal angle will have you expressing what is clearly a long pre-established kink dynamic right in front of your goddamned kids. Jesus, why are you guys like this?

The Shining Twins
Okay this one isn’t even inherently sexy, you guys are just making it that way because you’re gross. Seriously, you’re both dressed as dead, blood-related children, what the fuck is hot about this to you? Can’t you guys ever crack a second White Claw without behaving like wild animals right in the goddamned kitchen? Knock it off!

Lilo and Stitch
Alright you guys are just sick, you hear me? SICK. Lilo and Stitch? One of you is wearing a giant bag in the shape of a cartoon mouse alien, stop making out like that! Literally the only Disney property without hidden sexual undertones and you two are about to go at it like mad right on the table where all of us eat. Disgusting.

When I’m 16, I am so getting emancipated.

Band Attempting To Buy Back Tour Van From Local Police Auction

Posted on by James Knapp

ALBANY, N.Y. — Members of crust funk band the Salt Garglers were desperately trying to repurchase their impounded econoline van at a civil forfeiture auction in the midst of their presently stalled East Coast tour, sources totally fed up with this capitalist horseshit confirmed.

“I guess this is what happens when you let the bass player drive,” lamented Salt Garglers frontman Davis Wendt. “We’ve had that van for years, but of course the one time we leave it parked diagonally across three handicapped parking spots outside a dialysis clinic, it gets towed. We’re trying to get the van back but the competition here is fierce. Our van smells like shit, but I overheard one guy saying he needs a new van for his plumbing business, so he’s probably used to it. I hope he drops out early. Also, I don’t know if they’re gonna let us pay for it with drink tickets so we may have to use our drummer’s dad’s credit card again.”

Albany PD Sergeant Gary Unger detailed how the van came to be at auction.

“Upon finding the vehicle illegally parked, we were initially just going to ignore it, until we found out it belonged to a touring band from Massachusetts. Then we had to call it in,” explained Unger. “We impounded the vehicle, tore out the interior, gutted the engine and stuffed a couple of bananas down the gas tank. Also, we peed on it a bunch. You never know with these touring bands. They could be a front for smuggling drugs, or they could be the Red Hot Chili Peppers, or even worse; they could be Red Sox fans. We find it’s easier to just cut to the end and fuck up everyone’s day. It saves time.”

Local curmudgeon and police auction attendee Harry Nerman said he loves to buy cheap vans at auctions right out from under struggling bands.

“I’ve had it with these damn rocking n’ rooting bands strutting around my town in their dern skinny britches. I wanna make sure they all know they ain’t welcome,” said Nerman before raising the bid to $300. “I own nineteen vans now, and every one of ‘em used to belong to guitar playing hooligans. And before you say anything, I am not ‘bitter and pathetic and lonely.’ I actually don’t feel much of anything anymore, so that shows you.”

Update: The Salt Garglers have decided to cut their losses and use their remaining $47 to purchase at auction an amp supposedly confiscated from John Wayne Gacy.