The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

5 Drugs To Help Get You Through the Rest of Sober October

Posted on October 26, 2021 by Bobby Korec

Fall is easily one of the best seasons of the year. Top three, for sure. However, if you’re like us and you observe the month-long religious holiday of Sober October, the hardest part of autumn is that span of 31 consecutive days where you’re not allowed to get hammered. It can be a real struggle especially when you’ve fallen off the wagon several times this month already. Obviously, we can’t do this alone. So let’s get some help from a bunch of drugs that will get you through the remaining days of Sober October.

Weed – For a quick detox, consider replacing alcohol with smoking marijuana. This will absolutely help you kick your immediate dependence on alcohol while giving you something to work towards next month during “no-weed November.”

DMT – One time my roommate put on an episode of Joe Rogan’s podcast in the background, so naturally, we now have an encyclopedic knowledge of this drug. The hallucinations can be pretty scary though. One bad trip could turn you into a guy who repeats advice they got from the Joe Rogan podcast. Terrifying.

Steroids – If you’re going to have alcohol withdrawals, you might as well be shredded too, right? Sure, my anger levels are through the roof and my testicles have completely disappeared, but I can probably hit home runs now and I’m gonna make it to the end of the month with my body chemistry entirely pure from alcohol.

Ivermectin – Ok, hear me out. This dewormer popularized by horses did nothing for my COVID symptoms, and in fact probably made it worse, but the violent diarrhea and borderline liver failure sure took my mind off of booze for a while. Unfortunately, the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know about these amazing benefits.

Hard Seltzer – Don’t let the name fool you, this seltzer is hardcore. I think they infuse it with CBD because it gets you high in a way where you feel drunk. Anyway, I highly recommend picking up a 12-pack of Bud Light Seltzer to help propel you through the rest of this month. Together, and with the help of lots of drugs, we can beat alcohol.

Drum Machine Fucks Singer’s Girlfriend

Posted on October 26, 2021 by John Danek

LAREDO, Texas – Shockwaves of mistrust ripped through punk band The Distracted after a member’s significant other admitted to hooking up with the band’s Roland MC-101 drum machine, sources within the band reported.

“History really does repeat itself, even with a goddamn drum machine,” sighed an exasperated Jonah Yardley, The Distracted’s founder, vocalist, and only original member. “I swear I would have folded this band years ago if a rep from Epitaph didn’t tell us we had a ‘good set’ once in 2017. We’re basically just about to get signed. But I don’t know if it’s worth the havoc it causes in my personal life.”

“But this time, I have a plan to get even,” confessed Yardley. “I’m going to seduce and fuck the drum machine’s DC power adapter. There’s been noticeable tension between us anyways, ever since I got shocked plugging it into a power strip I had spilled beer on.”

Yvonne Norman, Yardley’s girlfriend, admits that this isn’t her first lapse into infidelity.

“What can I say? I love Jonah but he spends most of his time scribbling juvenile lyrics into his Moleskine notebook and never notices when I slide up next to him asking to watch ‘Bridgerton,’” said Norman, who can often be seen air drumming during The Distracted’s shows. “Something about drummers really does it for me. And it’s hard to ignore the fact that Roland can stay hard so, so much longer than Jonah. Terrible listener, though.”

Relationship experts admit that being a member of a band can present some complex romantic situations.

“Intra-band infidelity can be traced all the way back to the tribal chant circles of the Great Rift Valley. Some of the chants that were passed down through oral tradition clearly show tension between the members of the circle, they were really a pagan fuck fest, so it’s tough to say what the ‘rules’ were,” stated Dr. Marie Khatri, specialist in couples therapy. “But I have to admit, this is a pretty damn weird case. I’m not sure how the logistics of this affair work. Does she like, grind up on it? Use the MIDI cables to… uggh, you know what, I don’t want to think about this anymore.”

Reports indicate that soon after learning of his girlfriend’s latest act of cheating, Yardley was rushed to the emergency room to be treated for electrical shock and a torn scrotum.

High School Drama Teacher Can’t See Doing ‘Brigadoon’ With This New Crop of Talentless Hacks

Posted on October 25, 2021 by Cory Cousins

ROSWELL, Ga. — Local high school theater teacher and known eccentric, Jean St. John, is highly doubtful about pulling off the musical ‘Brigadoon’ for this year’s Fall Jamboree after meeting a particularly incompetent and sophomoric incoming freshman class, two out of three vice-principals confirmed.

“A painter is only as good as his paintbrushes. And right now my paintbrushes appear to only have an interest in discussing TikToks and making fart noises when I’m not looking,” lamented St. John. “I was shocked to learn that this current cohort of students has never even seen ‘Brigadoon’ once! It’s only one of the greatest productions from Mr. Lerner and Mr. Loewe to ever hit the stage. On top of that, they can barely tap dance. I’m asking for Gene Kelly and they’re giving me ‘drunk at a wedding reception.’ I don’t have the time or patience to work with these amateurs.”

Parents of the new high school students took offense at the outlook from the jaded theater teacher, after the initial parent-teacher conference.

“Mr. St. John called my daughter a ‘poor man’s Angela Lansbury,’” noted local parent, Jeff Stevenson. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My daughter is a 14-year-old high school freshman, not a Juilliard-trained actor. She has barely even started to act. The teacher’s remarks were out of touch, and frankly, obnoxious. If anything, my daughter is a ‘poor man’s Kristin Chenoweth.’”

Administration officials at the high school were all too aware of the melodrama emanating from the fine arts department.

“This is nothing new, unfortunately,” remarked high school vice principal, Chad McHutchens. “Last year Mr. St. John announced that the drama troupe would be performing, ‘Doubt, A Parable.’ It is a play about an accused pedophile priest. Needless to say, all of the parents were livid, and stopped the production from taking place. All of the students ended up just reciting their favorite lines from ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy.’”

With the arrival of the Fall Jamboree looming, a panicked St. John decided instead of putting on a stage production of ‘Brigadoon,’ it would be better to just show a screening of Frank Oz’s film adaptation of ‘Little Shop of Horrors.’

Billy Corgan Takes off Bald Cap to Reveal Shoulder Length Strawberry Blonde Curls

Posted on October 25, 2021 by Robert John Scucci

HIGHLAND PARK, Ill. — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan surprised onlookers when he dramatically removed a bald cap to reveal a full head of luxurious strawberry blonde hair, stunned witnesses confirmed.

“This is my final form, and I’ve never felt this joyous,” said Corgan, twirling his finger through his fresh mane as if he just watched a YouTube tutorial on how to act like he has hair. “I feel light and free, and the lost youth that I have often lamented about feels like it has been waiting here for me the whole time. I spent the first half of my life taking everything so seriously, now I want to live. The world isn’t a vampire, the world is our oyster. I’ve already started writing a new 96-song concept album that will be the most fancy-free Smashing Pumpkins record ever released.”

Former bassist D’arcy Wretzky believes this to be an elaborate act, and that the frontman has not changed at all.

“He’s so full of shit. He’s the same egotistical control-freak asshole he’s always been, but with a refreshing confidence that comes with such defined, yet silky curls,” said Wretzky. “Don’t let him fool you. He’s still sneaking into the studio and re-recording everybody’s parts himself, but when a stiff wind passes through his vibrant and shimmering hair, it’s hard to stay mad at him. It’s just another one of his mind games. But god damn it, when he takes off one of his cute sun hats and shakes his head he truly looks stunning, I never noticed how cute his freckles were until now.”

A representative from Hair Club for Men who asked not to be identified is also wary of Corgan’s end game, but felt the need to weigh in to clear his conscience.

“Billy held me at gunpoint with pantyhose over his head until I unlocked the experimental growth substance for his consumption. I knew it was him because he’s, like, seven feet tall, he had all his platinum records with him, and he kept making semi-obscure wrestling references,” said the anonymous man. “We told him it wasn’t ready for human testing yet, but he did not take no for an answer. Do not be fooled by his childish candor and newfound youthful exuberance. Billy is dangerous, and we’ve got to keep a close eye on him. He may appear young at heart, but he’s still kind of a dick.”

At press time, Corgan was seen getting into a school boy uniform and carrying a giant lollipop for some upcoming promotional photos.

5 Ways To Hide Your Zombie Bite From the Rest of the Group Until the Third Act

Posted on October 25, 2021 by Dan Rice

There are two types of people in this world: People who like to believe they wouldn’t hide their zombie bite from their survivor group, and people who have been bitten by zombies. It changes your perspective on things fast.

What if your Mom was right? What if you are special? What if you and your special zombie-proof blood can save the world? Isn’t that worth risking the lives of the people who have been kind enough to help you?

Okay let’s be real, what it boils down to is if you’re going out, you want to go out with as much dramatic flair as possible. Here are 5 surefire tips for maximizing the damage caused by your inevitable turn to the undead.

Sleeves
Chances are you rolled yours up the first chance you had to project a false sense of confidence and authority. Unfortunately, it also projected a very real sense of “here’s a bunch more skin you can bite!” to the zombie hordes, and now you’re doomed. Roll those bad boys down to conceal your already necrotic wound, and if anyone questions why just fire back with “So the zombies can’t bite my arms, dumb-ass!”

Get A Tattoo Real Quick
Okay yes, at first this does seem like a weird time to ink up, but people get tattoos to commemorate significant events all the time! Really play it up, be all like “I can’t wait till this heals up so I can show you guys!” to the point of being annoying to throw the dogs off your scent.

Keep Saying “I’m Fine” A Lot
As the virus begins to work it’s way into your system you’re going to be doing a lot of wincing, panting and sweating. As soon as anyone asks “Are you okay?” it is vital that you fire back immediately with an aggressive “I’m fine!” like you’re about to kick their ass before shuffling on slightly faster than before.

Disagree With The Leader On Everything
To pull attention away from your clear signs of infection you want to generate as much chaos as possible. Adamantly disagree with whatever the group leader says, no matter how sound or logical their course of action may seem. For Example:

LEADER: “We need to collect as much food as we can.”
YOU: “Are you fucking kidding me?! What good is food gonna do us if we don’t have a secure perimeter! Stu is with me, right Stu?

Or, conversely:

LEADER: “We need to secure the perimeter.”
YOU: Secure the perimeter?! We need to focus on gathering food! Right Stu?”

Convince The Group That You Bit Yourself
So you’ve been caught melodramatically staring at your gaping zombie wound, fear not! Simply tell the group that you have a psychological condition that causes you to bite yourself in high stress situations, and before they can argue back bite your other arm. It’ll hurt like hell but don’t show it, be all like “Oh yeah, that’s good biting!”

Not only will it get you out of a pickle, it can explain away future zombie bites, as well as make you a shoe-in for the coveted “group psycho” position.

Punk Had No Idea How Difficult Hopping on a Train Is

Posted on October 25, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND — Local punk and hopeful train hopper Marc Harcourt is still currently standing on a set of railroad tracks as he had no real idea how difficult it actually is to hop on a train, according to sources.

“I always had this idea that someday,” Harcourt said while nervously waiting on the outskirts of tracks at Portland’s Albina Yard. “I would just drop everything, hop on a passing train and just live life on the rails. You know, drinking corn whiskey out of a bag while I see America pass by, dodging the railyard bulls and being beholden to no one. But man, it is actually really, really scary to jump on a moving train. I’ve watched three trains pass by already and it is ridiculous that anyone does this. Like, how the fuck do I just ‘hop’ into an open door passing by 60 miles an hour? You could get really hurt, man.”

A veteran train hobo who refused to give any name but “Sleepy Joe” was used to seeing cases like Harcourt.

“Yeah, I see guys like that all the time,” Sleepy Joe said, preparing a can of beans to be cooked on a small fire. “Idiots listen to too much Tom Waits, get liquored up, then splat. Grease under Amtrak wheels. Listen, this isn’t the kind of thing you do because it’s easy, you do it because life on the rails is the sweetest plum, hear? But guys like that will never know, ‘cause they couldn’t mount a highball to save their skin. Now, even old-timers basically get massively injured every third or fourth train, so yeah. I get it.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioural psychologist, felt that Harcourt’s difficulty was more conceptual than anything.

“Men like Mr. Harcourt love the idea of freedom, which is best represented by writers like Jack Kerouac and Charles Willeford as the sweet sight of the Mississippi River under starlight, disappearing as the tracks grow distant,” said Dr. Carter. “And it is an alluring thought to just board a passing train with, I don’t know, some chicken crates or something. I’ve often thought of it myself. But strong as the idea is, the sheer terror of trying to jump on two million pounds of moving, unforgiving steel machinery is stronger, so I recommend just popping two Ambien and downing a tall boy like everyone else and trying again tomorrow.”

As of press time, Harcourt was attempting to understand the physics behind hurling a bandana-wearing dog, banjo, and pack filled to the brim while running alongside a steam engine.

Punk Had No Idea How Difficult Hopping on a Train Is

Posted on October 25, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

A veteran train hobo who refused to give any name but “Sleepy Joe” was used to seeing cases like Harcourt.

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioural psychologist, felt that Harcourt’s difficulty was more conceptual than anything.

As of press time, Harcourt was attempting to understand the physics behind hurling a bandana-wearing dog, banjo, and pack filled to the brim while running alongside a steam engine.

REPORT: Tracksuit Industry “Will Never Recover” From Squid Game

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Jonah Nink

NEW YORK — Tony’s Tracksuits CEO Anthony Dante announced this morning that the tracksuit industry’s image “will never recover” from the success of Netflix’s latest hit series “Squid Game,” confirmed sources who have seen the company’s share price plummet since the show’s debut.

“Sales were actually great at the beginning of the quarter leading up to the release of ‘The Many Saints of Newark.’ All the kids wanted a Paulie Walnuts tracksuit,” said Dante. “But then ‘Squid Game’ drops, and now everyone is terrified that they’re going to wake up in a deadly, Korean version of ‘Double Dare’ or something. We set up some impromptu focus groups to root out the issues and found that while consumers loved our product’s elasticity and comfortable fabrics, they will forever associate tracksuits with people getting gunned down by a robot toddler. And of course this all happens right before we release our ‘Castleton Green’ collection.”

Lifelong Tony’s Tracksuits factory employee Gus Tracksuitmacher was horrified to see his beloved company collapse.

“I’ve been making tracksuits my entire life, just like my father before me, and his father before him. My ancestors used to tailor tracksuits for the kings and queens of medieval Bohemia,” said Tracksuitmacher. “That beautiful way of life is gone now, all because Netflix wanted to make a heavy-handed allegory about the economy. People don’t appreciate that making tracksuits takes years of dedication, so I don’t exactly have the skills to pick up another job. Almost makes me wish there really was a billion-dollar death game I could play.”

“Squid Game” writer/director Hwang Dong-hyuk was unmoved to see the tracksuit industry in turmoil.

“Maybe it should collapse,” said Don-hyuk. “It’s time for the world to move on from tracksuits. That was my goal with writing ‘Squid Game’ in the first place; I wanted to ruin the public perception of tracksuits. I wanted to create a world where wearing a tracksuit probably means you’re going to get shot while playing kick the can or something. The show really doesn’t have any major themes beyond ‘tracksuit equals death.’ If you think there’s anything more than that, you’re projecting.”

While the Tracksuit industry was shambles, Dalgona Cookie sales have quadrupled since the show’s release.

Clean Bedroom Destroyed in 30 Second Rampage Looking for Keys

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — A recently cleaned bedroom was left completely ravaged and covered in underwear, socks, receipts, and pillows in local woman Katherine Hart’s brief and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find her car keys.

“It only took thirty seconds for that room to go from spotless to looking like a nuclear bomb went off in here,” said disaster recovery specialist for FEMA and Hart’s roommate, Barbara Salazar, while assessing the damage. “She somehow managed to flip the bed over, break two lamps, and empty her entire closet onto the floor when she ripped through this room like a tornado in an apparent search for her car keys. And to think they were on the kitchen table where she always leaves them this whole time, but sometimes, acts of God or women dangerously close to being written up for tardiness at work for the third time this week, are just outta our hands.”

Hart’s roommate, Kennedy Jameson, is growing increasingly agitated at Hart’s destructive tendencies.

“If you think this is bad, then you should have seen the way she demolished our living room while looking for her keys when we were late to a wedding,” said Jameson. “If she just took two seconds to place her car keys in their designated spot then it wouldn’t look like a pillaged war zone in here. But no. She has to rip all the cushions off the couch and toss all the plates out of the dishwasher? I don’t even know how she tore that thing open, I thought they locked while they were running.”

Dr. Eli Sanz, a research scientist at MIT, has found patterns of this behavior in most unorganized millennial roommates.

“In a recent lab simulation, we found that the average test subject could destroy their clean bedroom while searching for items like keys, debit cards with some money on them, wallets, and even sunglasses in an astounding forty-five seconds,” said Sanz. “It defies scientific logic how quickly a clean room can go from pristine to Chernobyl-level rubble. Katherine’s case is specifically impressive. Rarely have we seen someone foil a perfectly made bed, and a dog’s bed, with that level of speed.”

Sources close to Hart have confirmed that she was last seen ripping up the carpet while searching for her lost cell phone, which happened to be in her hand the whole time.

Opinion: It’s Time for My Girlfriend To Turn Off That Radio Broadcast About an Escaped Lunatic and Make Out

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Dan Rice

I believe that public safety is important, but between the “Warning: Correctional Facility in Area” signs, the creepy weirdo who told us “This town is cursed!” at the gas station and now this “An insane killer is on the loose” radio broadcast it’s like “Enough already!”

I didn’t go through the trouble of taking my girlfriend to a nice secluded cabin just to heed a bunch of ominous warnings and shit. I came here to do some Olympic level tongue boxing and, god willing, some under the clothes stuff.

I wish I could say that my girlfriend felt the same way, but evidently she would rather sit in front of the radio getting freaked out. If only she could see this situation the way I see it — a perfect opportunity to engage in reckless abandon and do the tonsil twist all night long.

Who cares about some dumb escaped madman from some lame nearby asylum last seen headed in this general stupid direction? I’m horny!

So far the debate over this issue is stuck in full stalemate. It seems that every time we start to make progress the conversation devolves into a game of semantics over who escaped from where and killed what entire family 15 years ago on this very night. These word games are counter productive and all too often leave the horned up half drunk jocks of our great nation waiting in the wings. It’s time to end the cycle, turn off that radio and french out hard on the couch.

My girlfriend would not only have you believe that we should be concerned about the escaped murderous lunatic in our vicinity, but that she heard “a strange noise or something” outside as well. Let’s take a look at the facts:

FACT: It was probably just the wind, or a wild animal!

FACT: It’s just your imagination.

FACT: Babe, come on!

Now the power in our cabin has gone out, and instead of capitalizing on the fact that making out in the dark is awesome, my girlfriend has opted to let her imagination run wild and become even more scared. If she would only take my advice she would be too horny to get scared. Besides, there’s actually nothing to be afraid of, because I know the exact protocol for this situation:

I’m going to step outside and mutter something about what a bitch she’s being. Then I’m going to shotgun another brewski, spark a J and make my way over to the fuse box. And if I do happen to hear what sounds like someone out there, I’ll just hit them with a solid “Tommy, is that you? Come on man, stop messing around!” This should get Tommy to stop messing around, allowing me to repair the fuse and then it’s right to tongue town. On the off chance the rustling doesn’t stop, I’ll just start listing off other friends of mine it could be with diminishing confidence until the problem resolves itself.

Okay seriously Tommy, if that is you, knock it off. Tommy? PJ is that you? Brian?…

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