We Need Cyberbullying, Otherwise Our Kids Won’t Know How To Defend Themselves in the Comments Section of the Real World

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Now that many schools have gone virtual, we need to address cyberbullying. Specifically, how necessary it is. Sure, in the past cyberbullying may have gotten out of hand once or twice, but we’ve overcorrected way too far. With the absence of cyberbullying altogether, we’re at risk for a far greater evil. No, not cultural narcissism. That’s what physical bullying prevents.

I’m talking about our kids, the very future of our species, not being prepared to defend themselves in the comments section of the real world.

Good times make weak commenters. Weak commenters make bad times. Bad times make strong commenters. Strong commenters make good times. These are words humanity has lived and thrived by for millennia. Mostly this millennium. Heed them now.

If kids don’t experience cyberbullying in the classroom, where else will they develop the shitposting skills needed for survival when posting in the real world? r/opieandanthony? Ha! That was banned years ago.

Sure, in a perfect world no one will ever comment with a link to your old Myspace profile or point out a spelling error you made, but that’s not how comment sections in the real world work. If our kids aren’t attacked for sincereposting on their school message board, they will not be equipped to fight back when they’re attacked on their fantasy football work-league message board.

Adding cyberbully time into the current virtual learning curriculum would be incredibly easy. By simply allowing kids to log into the chat portal with an unlimited number of untraceable user names, our children will regain the formative experience of being harassed by budding young sociopaths emboldened by anonymity.

We need cyberbullying. Plain and simple. And dads, as much as we all want to act open and progressive towards our sons, how would you feel if your boy got insulted online and he responded by meekly putting his phone down and going outside to play football? A future without cyberbulling will be that dystopia.

MacGyver Makes It Through Saw Film Completely Unharmed

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Handsome super secret agent Angus “Mac” MacGyver easily thwarted a series of overly elaborate and ironic death traps set by famed serial killer Jigsaw, shocked witnesses suffering various forms of torture confirmed.

“When I woke up with a giant bear trap around my neck, I initially suspected Murdoc was up to his old tricks,” said MacGyver. “That’s when some strange puppet riding a tricycle appeared on a TV monitor and asked me to play a game. He told me I had to cut a skeleton key from my own kidney to escape. Instead, I used my belt buckle, some duct tape, and a harmonica to vibrate the lock at a specific frequency. I was probably out of there in 10 minutes. I even saved some woman from having to saw off her own foot by breaking the chain using some wart freezing spray and a specially trained rat. Compared to other adventures I’ve been on, today was actually not that eventful.”

The now apprehended Jigsaw killer, John Kramer, was upset, yet impressed.

“I started this whole project to see if people had what it takes to really survive. But this was really meant for your average joe, not a god-tier engineer who once toppled an entire terrorist organization using some socks borrowed from one of the deaf students he mentors,” explained Kramer. “And then after arresting me, he even cured my cancer using a banana peel and some chewing gum. Seriously, how the hell does he do all this stuff?”

Detective Aaron Matthews couldn’t believe how MacGyver was able to capture Jigsaw in 40 minutes after he spent years pursuing him.

“Do you have any idea how many suspects I beat the shit out of trying to find this Jigsaw guy?” said Matthews. “I was working my ass off on this case, then some schmuck that can craft a nuclear bomb out of a bobby pin and rubber bands caught him in less time than it takes for me to switch off my body cam. What gets my goat, though, is all he needed was a piece of cheese from some endangered animal species to locate Jigsaw’s murder dungeon. I guess we can’t all be as perfect as he is.”

At press time, MacGyver had also managed to prove himself victorious in a three-way matchup between himself, Alien, and Predator.

Photo courtesy of rdanderson.com. 

Sorry I Haven’t Seen That Show You Recommended, the Idea of Having Something in Common With You Disgusts Me

Posted on by Rachel Steele

Shit, no I did not get a chance to start that show you recommended to me, sorry about that. It’s just that I have a lot in my queue already. Plus, if I have something in common with you, you might be inclined to start another conversation with me in the future as if we are friends, which we categorically are not. So, you can understand, right?

How am I supposed to trust your taste in media when you constantly flood the work group chat with gifs from “The Big Bang Theory”? Everyone who works here started using the word “spouse” exclusively because anytime someone says “wife” around you, you do the fucking Borat voice. Haven’t you noticed that?

Look, I’ve been slammed with replenishing coffee filters for the break room and helping my parents open a PDF file, I just can’t find the time! Plus I’m not sleeping well because I sprained my ankle jumping down a stairwell to avoid bumping into you a few days ago. I’m just really exhausted.

When I get home, all I want to do is unwind with a nice beer and put on a show that is literally anything besides what you suggested to me. That is of course, if I fail to forget the fact that you even exist, which is my goal every day the second I leave this office.

It’s just hard to start a whole new show when I know that if I do wind up liking it, then it means you and I are similar and I’ll have to throw myself off of a bridge.

Well don’t get bent out of shape, it’s not just the fact that I don’t respect your opinion and find you repulsive. My girl and I got a puppy, and it’s been really time-consuming teaching him how to shit outside. Maybe you shouldn’t bother telling me to watch “CSI: Miami” anymore, or interacting with me on any level whatsoever in the future. Between the pup and the fact that hearing your voice makes me physically ill, I just don’t think I’m going to fit it in.

Hey, don’t take it personally, I just don’t respect your opinions because they come out of the dumb face attached to your stupid head. I hope you can understand.

Trumpeter Excited for Fourth Wave of Ska, or Funeral, or Really Any Opportunity to Bust This Fucker Out

Posted on by KC Phillips

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local trumpeter Danielle “Dani Blows” Garcia is anxiously anticipating a ska revival, spontaneous parade, Herb Alpert lookalike concert, or “maybe somebody can just drop dead,” a source who is “just waiting for a chance to bust that motherfucking trumpet out” confirmed.

“Sure, I could play ‘Taps’ whenever I feel like it, but I didn’t spend nine years at trumpet college majoring in trumpeting to not have my trumpet at the ready at all times,” said Garcia, stuffing a duffle bag full of differently sized trumpets. “I’m $70,000 in trumpet debt. If a Mariachi band comes up to my table at a Mexican restaurant, in a subway car, or walking around a plaza somewhere, I’m jumping right the fuck in. It’s been long enough.”

Garcia has been banned from local restaurants, venues, and downtown outdoor areas for her insistence on subjecting those around her to the horn.

“She actually used to work here,” said Maxine Rossi, owner of a patisserie downtown. “We stopped doing pickup orders because she kept yelling ‘pick-it-up, pick-it-up.’ She was supposed to wash dishes, but instead she would sit on the stairs and wait for people to slip so she could go ‘wah-wah-wah’ on that motherfucking trumpet.”

Local police have ticketed Garcia on multiple occasions for hiding behind cars during traffic jams and encouraging honking.

“I don’t like calling the cops on Dani, but once I saw her trying to have a conversation with a goose using a trumpet,” said the head of the neighborhood watch, Dirk Bowers. “And when that stopped working, she tried to teach it how to play ‘Superman.’ That’s when I had to do something. One Dani Blows is enough; if she teaches this goose, or anyone else, to play a fucking trumpet, the neighborhood is done for.”

As of press time, Garcia has uploaded a different video titled “TODAY IS THE DAY – SKA NOT DEAD” to your YouTube channel every day for the last 5007 days.

Photo by Rachel Steele. 

6-Hour Facebook Outage Leads to Stunning Increase in Vaccinations

Posted on by Contributor

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Facebook services suffered the longest outage in over a year, leading directly to a massive wave of Americans finally getting vaccinated for COVID-19, overwhelmed medical sources confirmed.

“Around 9:15 a.m. we started to see a lot of people in their mid-50s just aimlessly wandering the streets and a lot of them made their way to a mobile vaccination site that had been a ghost town for the past two months,” said Anita Rivea, a Newport Beach nurse. “These are the same people that were walking by our tent just yesterday calling us ‘communists’ and threatening to murder our pets. But without Facebook they were in a haze, they had lost the ability to copy and paste bogus news articles and were basically helpless. Some of them were mumbling ‘do your own research’ after the shot, but for the most part, they just sat there trying not to drool on themselves.”

Glenn Barnett is one of the many avid Facebook users that finally received his first round of vaccinations.

“Today has been sort of a blur. I woke up, logged on, made a couple of threatening comments on an article about Anthony Fauci, and then I was just about to make a post about how being ‘gender non-binary’ doesn’t make sense to me and my screen went blank,” said Barnett. “I called Facebook, nobody picked up. So then I called Lenovo customer service and started screaming at them that they sold me a piece of shit computer and the lady told me Facebook was having an outage. At that point, the room started spinning. I couldn’t remember if Biden had stolen the election or if Trump had simply stepped down. After about an hour of silence, my brain started to focus again and I drove downtown and got the vaccine.”

The sudden uptick in vaccinations caught the attention of the Biden administration, which immediately attempted to take credit for the surge.

“Our messaging has been firm and it has been spot on since day one,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “There have been many disinformation campaigns on social media, and this increase in vaccinations shows that if there is nothing to distract the average American they will begrudgingly make the right choice as they meander out of their echo chambers and snap back into reality.”

The outage, which also disrupted popular photo-sharing app Instagram, caused teen girls across the country to have a positive outlook on life for the first time in years.

Workplace Hero Unmutes Microphone to Laugh

Posted on by Rachel Steele

PHILADELPHIA — Office hero Tom Rafferty was kind enough to unmute his microphone during the company’s team meeting so he could be heard laughing at the occasional joke, grateful sources confirmed.

“This might be the best meeting we’ve held all quarter,” said team lead Hilary Gershwin. “Working from home has started to slow down production, and I hoped our weekly Zoom meetings would keep us all on board. But man, something about today made it feel more like a chill hangout sesh rather than a work meeting. I couldn’t tell you what exactly did it, but it might be that hero newbie who seemed to pepper in a little laughter at all the right moments, but was otherwise completely silent. He might not have had much to contribute the rest of the time, but we were all so grateful for that extra boost of morale.”

Team member Jeff Cole explained Rafferty not only laughed at people’s jokes, but any time something ridiculous happened in the meeting.

“I don’t know who this guy is, I think he started last week, but he is already a legend,” said Cole. “At first I thought he was messing around when he specifically unmuted his microphone to laugh after the boss said ‘Good morning boys and girls’ to a room so quiet you could hear a pin drop; but then Anderson’s kid chucked a toy firetruck straight into the camera. Old Tom switched on his mic, laughed for a good 30 seconds, then went straight back on mute, like a machine.”

Rafferty revealed that he actually doesn’t work for the company.

“Apparently my email is real close to some guy named Tim Rafferty. The Zoom invitation was sent to my email instead of his,” Rafferty said. “I was really bored on my day off from delivering for Pizza Hut, so I dug my only button-down shirt out of my bottom drawer and joined the meeting purely just to heckle. Good thing I did, too. Some lady ripped a huge fart at around minute 30, and if I wasn’t there to congratulate her, then I doubt anyone would have.”

At press time, Rafferty was seen unmuting himself to say “loud and clear” after a presenting attendee asked the group if everyone could hear her OK.

Overqualified Woman Pretends To Be Overconfident Man On Job Application

Posted on by Tony Morse

PHILADELPHIA — Determined woman and job applicant Patricia O’Malley is creatively pursuing work that she’s technically overqualified to do by acting like a man who’s overconfident in his limited skills, sources confirmed.

“Job searching and interviewing isn’t easy, but I figured it out: just cut achievements from my résumé, oversell experience I don’t really have, and convince whoever reads my application that I have a dick,” said O’Malley. “It’s an entry-level position with occasional travel to Dublin. The application asked about the history of religious conflict in Ireland, so I didn’t mention my dissertation on Catholicism and the 1981 Irish hunger strike. I wowed them with this zinger instead: ‘Protestants like Bushmills, Catholics prefer Jameson, but I drink both and U2 rocks!’ All about delivery. This is like guys copying my work in school, only I’m awarded points for things that should actually cost them, and given extra credit for attributes that would otherwise count against me.”

Job placement professionals praised O’Malley’s ingenuity.

“Women will talk themselves out of applying for positions they’d be great for,” explained human resources expert Sally Saelim. “However, impersonating a man can expand career possibilities, because men routinely apply for jobs they don’t know how to do, and are often hired for ones they can’t. It’s an unconventional approach, but it’s simpler than convincing prospective employers that you’ll be okay with male co-workers getting credit for your ideas and that you won’t be pregnant soon or ever.”

Still, competition was fierce.

“I got this,” presumed applicant David White. “I killed that workplace inclusivity question. I talked about how there’s no equivalent of maternity leave for childless men, and said I could develop something for an extra $15,000 per year. They should go for it. Embracing a male perspective could really distinguish this company from other employers.”

According to friends, O’Malley didn’t get the job, but was offered an internship doing the exact same thing for no pay, benefits, or health insurance.

I Am the Chainsaw Wielding Skin-Mask Guy of a Cannibalistic Murder Family. Here’s Why I Voted for Biden

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s the same routine every morning. I wake up, do some light stretches, and check to see that the people I hung up on the meat hooks the night before have finished bleeding out. I make my way downstairs to the dining room where my grandfather has his nose in a newspaper. Without fail, before I can pop the first slice of hearty fat-guy-back bacon into my mouth he asks, “You see what your commie president has done now?”

The fact that I voted for “Sleepy” Joe Biden has remained a constant source of tension since November. He’ll launch into an argument — mostly regurgitated Fox News talking points — and I’ll just sit there hiding silently behind my human skin mask. This is partly because I only communicate through obscene guttural noises, and partly because I know there is no point. Like many cannibalistic patriarchs of his generation, the old man is just set in his ways.

By now, you’ve probably made a lot of assumptions about me and my family; and I’ll be honest, a lot of them are probably right on the money. We’re Texans, through and through. We believe in the 2nd Amendment, we love our BBQ, and we subsist mainly off of the corpses of passersby we sadistically terrorize and murder. One assumption I must take umbrage with, however, is that we are ignorant bootlickers.

I may eat feet, but I’m no bootlicker.

The blind party loyalty that led to Donald Trump’s presidency churns my stomach just as much as my chainsaw-powered murder sprees must churn yours.

Take a step into my walk-in freezer and you will find people of every color, creed, and gender. While I fully condone high-brutality murder and the consumption of human flesh, I have never condoned discrimination, something I cannot say of one Mr. Donald Trump.

To all of the women, minority groups, and members of the LGBTQ community offended by Trump over the years, who I have not murdered, my heart goes out to you.

The turning point for me was when he disrespected soldiers wounded in battle. Soldiers are the backbone of this great nation, and wounded veterans are much easier for me and my clan of flesh-eating maniacs to run down and butcher. Shame on you, Mr. Trump.

Trump’s dismissive attitude towards the covid-19 crisis was deplorable. I am personally in very close contact with a number of strangers every single day, and I can’t support a leader who doesn’t take the pandemic seriously. I’m taking it very seriously, and aside from bathing myself in the blood of anyone within five feet of my sick-ass chain saw and eating their flesh, I am taking every precaution possible.

Joe Biden and I may not agree on key issues, but at least he is a sane and competent man. Besides, my grand-pappy can call him a sleepy communist all he wants, but I remember the day Joe’s campaign bus stopped at our gas station for some BBQ. When Joe called it “the best meat I’ve ever had!” and ordered seconds, Grandpa was grinning ear to ear.

Classic Rock Fan Undergoes Experimental Surgery To Have Girlfriend Permanently Grafted Onto Shoulders

Posted on by James Knapp

BALTIMORE — Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Medical Center recently performed the first successful procedure to physiologically affix classic rock fan Denny Clainsborough’s girlfriend, Jill, atop the aging rocker’s shoulders, sources who need to start doing squats confirmed.

“I’m excited that Jill agreed to this surgery. Now every time we see the Stones live, I won’t have to hoist her up whenever she wants to flash her tits at Keith Richards,” said Clainsborough from the hospital’s recovery ward. “All this new music coming out nowadays totally sucks and is gay. I only wanna hear AC/DC play songs they wrote about how hard their songs rock, and I want my woman sitting on top of me the whole time. Also, I guess we’re gonna have to get an extra long mattress, because we’re now collectively like nine feet tall.”

Dr. Calvin Neumeier gave details on the procedure while cleaning out his desk after being fired for gross medical malpractice as a result of it.

“This was an incredibly delicate surgery and previous attempts at it have all resulted in near immediate divorce,” said Neumeier. “I was able to stabilize the butt-to-neck graft by extending the, as we doctors call it, ‘underpants area,’ to fully engross the boyfriend’s adjoining earlobes.”

“After that, it was a simple matter of figuring out how she would be able to shit and vomit while she was up there,” Neumeier continued. “Fortunately, funnel technology has come a long way these past few years.”

Gene Simmons, bassist for grandpa rock band KISS, expressed displeasure upon hearing news of the procedure.

“I’ve seen eight million boobs in my life. Literally, eight million boobs,” said Simmons, somewhere between Alzheimers and an acid flashback. “At first it was pretty neat, but one more chick on some ogre’s shoulders just doesn’t mean shit to me anymore. Maybe if I get royalties from this somehow I’d care. Actually, can I do that? Hold on, I have to call my accountant.”

At press time, Jill briefly regained consciousness in post op to chug a Busch Light, yell “Wooooo!” and promptly pass back out.

Recovering Alcoholic Ashamed of His Past Jukebox Selections

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local recovering alcoholic Patrick Tolleridge is now expressing deep remorse for his past jukebox selections since getting sober, according to sources.

“When I look back on those days,” Tolleridge said while sipping a club soda. “I’m so ashamed of who I was, what I had become. What I would put on the jukebox at the Jackawolf after eight Adios motherfuckers… you don’t know you’ve hit rock bottom until you come out of a blackout slumped over a jukebox, fumbling to try to put on ‘Friends in Low Places’ for the fifth time in a row. I don’t even know how many times I put on ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead’ while slurring to complete strangers that it just costs the same to put a nearly 10 minute song on as it does anything else.”

“God, I let so many bartenders down,” Tolleridge said, his eyes misting.

Tolleridge’s longtime friend Mike O’Brien was glad that he had finally gotten help, for both his drinking and jukebox problems.

“It was terrible to see Pat do that to himself,” O’Brien said. “It had gotten really bad, like he would drink himself sick at the bar and sleep in just late enough that liquor stores would be open in time for him to get a bottle of Jim Beam to ‘scare off the shakes.’ And what was just as bad is what he would do to all of us with that damned jukebox. I’ve heard ‘Tubthumping’ so many times because of Pat, it’s lost all meaning to me.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter has seen many cases like Tolleridge’s before.

“I’m very glad that Mr. Tolleridge has decided to confront his issue,” Dr. Carter said. “Addicts will often latch onto a relatively minor issue connected with their substance abuse and project all their guilt onto it in particular, to serve as a kind of scapegoat for the larger problems. Not this guy, though. He absolutely should be massively ashamed of his jukebox choices. Like, who the fuck actually puts on ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’ in a bar? What is this, a strip club in a 90s movie?”

As of press time, Tolleridge had relapsed and was being dragged away from a jukebox after selecting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” at four in the afternoon.