MANCHESTER, N.H. — Dan Levitton, lead vocalist for touring hardcore band Weekend Proposal, told the “motherfuckers” in the back to “just, like, shut up for a minute,” almost immediately after taking the stage during a recent show, confused sources confirmed.
“I’ve been waiting to go off to this band for so long. I really wanted to make the band feel welcome and help bring up the energy at the show. But when I saw [Levitton] walk out holding a bottle of Pedialyte and wearing sunglasses indoors I knew something was wrong,” recalled one of the so-called motherfuckers in the back, Jamie Reisinger. “Then when he got to the mic he was barely audible, he was speaking in a low mumble and asked for all the house lights to be turned off. We mostly had to gather from context what he was saying but it pretty soon became clear he probably needed to go lie down for a while.”
Venue custodian Herbert Graves expressed little sympathy for the singer’s impaired state.
“These punk kids are a bunch of fucking pussies. I’ve been hungover every day I’ve come to work for thirty-six years and it ain’t ever stopped me from doing my job,” said Graves while reading an old Hustler in the janitor’s closet. “All these bands gotta do is yell and dance around like a bunch of asssholes and you’re telling me they can’t even do that after one or two dozen beers. I tell ya, it’s fucking pathetic.”
Following his refusal to do any encores, Levitton explained his behavior while lying, face down, on the backstage bathroom floor.
“Oh god, everyone please shut the fuck up. I can hear my forehead punching itself,” moaned the singer through a spittle of lingering vomit. “This show absolutely sucked. Why were all those motherfuckers so goddamn loud? The clapping and the yelling, nobody needs that. I need to quit this band and start an indie pop project, then I’ll never have to deal with this agonizing bullshit ever again.”
At press time, Levitton had slightly recovered from his hangover before making it much worse upon discovering forty-eight drunk texts to his ex-partner.