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Punk Lists 7-Eleven Cashier as Emergency Contact

CINCINNATI — 26-year-old punk Bobby Larson is now listing a local 7-Eleven cashier as his only emergency contact in lieu of close friends or relatives, according to concerned sources hanging around the dumpsters out back behind the store.

“I didn’t realize how important emergency contacts were until last week,” Larson explained while smoking a cigarette in the convenience store’s parking lot. “It was Friday night and I was bartending down at Gunther’s while my buddy’s band Toilet Wedding played a set. Well, I had about nine PBRs too many and passed out behind the bar. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a dog kennel at the animal shelter. If I had just listed an emergency contact like my manager told me to, they could’ve easily handled the situation by dragging my unresponsive body right here to 7-Eleven and dumping me next to the Slurpee machine. Problem solved!”

Freddie Bepsen, the 41-year-old cashier Larson selected as his emergency contact, expressed some doubt about his new role in the punk’s life.

“Considering I mostly know Bobby from when he stumbles in drunk to get Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust all over the magazines, I’m not sure I’m the best person to be making emergency, life-or-death medical decisions about him,” admitted Bepsen. “But, then again, 7-Eleven does provide quite a bit for our most devoted customers. In fact, I’m pretty sure he relies exclusively on me for food, medicine, and sometimes even shelter. Plus I’m the only person that showed up to his birthday last year.”

Experts agree that, in unusual circumstances such as Larson’s, any emergency contact is better than none at all.

“Ideally, an emergency contact should be a family member, significant other, or trusted friend,” noted healthcare representative Dana Milledge. “It’s an important responsibility that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But, if you are planning on listing a 7-Eleven cashier, you should at least have a serious conversation with them about your medical history, whether or not you want to be kept on life support, and what kind of taquitos you’d like served at your funeral.”

As of press time, Larson decided to list Bepsen as her legal guardian, primary care physician, and the executor of his non-existent will.