We Interviewed the Wrong Japandroids but at Least Now We Know Who’s Behind the Recent Surge in Kaiju Activity

Posted on by Dan Rice

Between the Covid-19 pandemic and the recent rise in giant monsters attacking major cities across the globe, we haven’t been able to travel much lately. That’s why we were pleasantly surprised when we scheduled an Interview with Japandroids and they insisted on doing it in person on a small island off the coast of Indonesia! Unfortunately, when something sounds too good to be true it usually is.

The second we touched down on Infant Island something seemed off. There were dozens of Kaiju, but they appeared to be in some sort of dormant, trance-like state. We were greeted by a battalion of soldiers wearing goofy helmets, the leader of which told us that the monsters would not attack us, and that he had orders to escort us to control tower one.

I remember thinking, “What is the Canadian band responsible for arguably the greatest rock album in the last 10 years doing on an island surrounded by monsters with their own personal army?”

The Hard Times: Before we begin I just want to say thank you so much for flying us all the way out here just for an interview most bands would just do on Zoom. Really classy of you guys! 
Both Japandroids Speaking As One: From this tower, we cannot be defeated! 

Okay, sure. What is this place exactly, did you start your own studio here?
This tower is now the highest power in the world! None will be left to oppose our rule! 

Okay! Wow, you guys are really going all-in on this new gimmick of yours. What is it exactly, are you doing like a sci-fi concept album?  
Our only concept is the obliteration of all earth cities and governments. The remaining populace will be used as labor. 

Hmm. Are you at all worried that the band’s new direction will alienate long time fans? 
Foolish human! We know not of this “band” you speak of. 

Wait, are you Japandroids? 
We are Androids. 

The ones from Canada who made “Celebration Rock”? 
We are the Androids of Planet Zero!

Dammit! I knew something was wrong here. Wait, so you’re the ones responsible for all of the recent Kaiju attacks?!
Correct! From this tower we broadcast our master signal, making the monsters of Earth slaves to our will!

That makes sense! Godzilla was always a wild card but I knew Mothra wouldn’t have turned on us on his own! 
Soon the governments of your world will surrender unconditionally, and we will begin terraformation! There is no hope! 

Well that sucks. Plus I didn’t even get to interview Japandroids before the world gets destroyed. 
You are interviewing the new masters of the world. You will go to your media controllers and spread word that all resistance is futile! 

Japandroids interview would have been cooler. 
You will tell us more about these Japandroids. Are they your leaders? 

No, they’re just a cool band. They did that song “The House That Heaven Built.” Here, I’ll play it for you.
We have no use for your planet’s musical duo’s. We heard one when we arrived here on Infant Island and it was not for us!

You mean the fairy twins that guard Mothra? 
Correct. 

Yeah, that song sucks. Listen to this! 

That’s when I took out my phone and played “The House That Heaven Built.” I guess the Bluetooth connected to the control tower because it started blaring from everywhere. At first, the android dudes were all like “Stop this! Seize them!” but then they started tapping their toes and bobbing their heads. By the end, the androids, soldiers, and all of Earth’s Kaiju were bumping their fists to the music.

So, anyway that’s Japandroids.
Holy Shit! 

Yeah that song kicks ass right? 
That song kicks ass. Humans made this? 

You betcha. 
In that case we will call off our attack and spare your world.

Dope! 
Then we will find a planet that has no Japandroids, and claim their music as our own!

Oh. That’s like, kinda not cool. 
Seize them! 

No? Okay, just, you do you. Bye. 

We Interviewed the Wrong Japandroids but at Least Now We Know Who’s Behind the Recent Surge in Kaiju Activity

Posted on by Dan Rice

Between the Covid-19 pandemic and the recent rise in giant monsters attacking major cities across the globe, we haven’t been able to travel much lately. That’s why we were pleasantly surprised when we scheduled an Interview with Japandroids and they insisted on doing it in person on a small island off the coast of Indonesia! Unfortunately, when something sounds too good to be true it usually is.

The second we touched down on Infant Island something seemed off. There were dozens of Kaiju, but they appeared to be in some sort of dormant, trance-like state. We were greeted by a battalion of soldiers wearing goofy helmets, the leader of which told us that the monsters would not attack us, and that he had orders to escort us to control tower one.

I remember thinking, “What is the Canadian band responsible for arguably the greatest rock album in the last 10 years doing on an island surrounded by monsters with their own personal army?”

The Hard Times: Before we begin I just want to say thank you so much for flying us all the way out here just for an interview most bands would just do on Zoom. Really classy of you guys! 
Both Japandroids Speaking As One: From this tower, we cannot be defeated! 

Okay, sure. What is this place exactly, did you start your own studio here?
This tower is now the highest power in the world! None will be left to oppose our rule! 

Okay! Wow, you guys are really going all-in on this new gimmick of yours. What is it exactly, are you doing like a sci-fi concept album?  
Our only concept is the obliteration of all earth cities and governments. The remaining populace will be used as labor. 

Hmm. Are you at all worried that the band’s new direction will alienate long time fans? 
Foolish human! We know not of this “band” you speak of. 

Wait, are you Japandroids? 
We are Androids. 

The ones from Canada who made “Celebration Rock”? 
We are the Androids of Planet Zero!

Dammit! I knew something was wrong here. Wait, so you’re the ones responsible for all of the recent Kaiju attacks?!
Correct! From this tower we broadcast our master signal, making the monsters of Earth slaves to our will!

That makes sense! Godzilla was always a wild card but I knew Mothra wouldn’t have turned on us on his own! 
Soon the governments of your world will surrender unconditionally, and we will begin terraformation! There is no hope! 

Well that sucks. Plus I didn’t even get to interview Japandroids before the world gets destroyed. 
You are interviewing the new masters of the world. You will go to your media controllers and spread word that all resistance is futile! 

Japandroids interview would have been cooler. 
You will tell us more about these Japandroids. Are they your leaders? 

No, they’re just a cool band. They did that song “The House That Heaven Built.” Here, I’ll play it for you.
We have no use for your planet’s musical duo’s. We heard one when we arrived here on Infant Island and it was not for us!

You mean the fairy twins that guard Mothra? 
Correct. 

Yeah, that song sucks. Listen to this! 

That’s when I took out my phone and played “The House That Heaven Built.” I guess the Bluetooth connected to the control tower because it started blaring from everywhere. At first, the android dudes were all like “Stop this! Seize them!” but then they started tapping their toes and bobbing their heads. By the end, the androids, soldiers, and all of Earth’s Kaiju were bumping their fists to the music.

So, anyway that’s Japandroids.
Holy Shit! 

Yeah that song kicks ass right? 
That song kicks ass. Humans made this? 

You betcha. 
In that case we will call off our attack and spare your world.

Dope! 
Then we will find a planet that has no Japandroids, and claim their music as our own!

Oh. That’s like, kinda not cool. 
Seize them! 

No? Okay, just, you do you. Bye. 

Oh Shit, Free Pumpkins

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

LIMA, Ohio — A large, unattended assortment of pumpkins located in front of Lima Bethelem Church are apparently free for the taking based on how they don’t even bring them in at night or anything, according to several sources.

“I drove by this morning on my way to work and there was like 50 pumpkins all just sitting there, wasn’t nobody watchin’ em or nothing!” said Mitch Franklin, attendant at the local Citgo station and webmaster of a website that reviews smokeless tobacco. “I was like ‘oh shit, free pumpkins’ but I was already late for work. So I missed out. But I’ll probably swing by after dark later tonight and see if any are still left. I don’t really need one, but free is free, so why not?”

While Franklin may have missed out on the free pumpkins, others with a more flexible morning schedule were able to benefit.

“I only get $45 for the first half of the school year budget so I always find ways around paying for supplies for my kids,” said fifth-grade teacher at Lima Community School, Karen Whittles. “When I saw that big stash of free pumpkins, no one watching them, no signs saying they were for sale or donation or anything, I had my husband bring his truck over. We are going to have one fun pumpkin carving contest in the fifth grade this year!”

Some members of the community believe the pumpkins may be a part of a charity raffle for the church.

“Did the church used to have a pumpkin sale? I’m not sure since Halloween is kinda’ the devil’s thing,” said retired train conductor Gene Collins, who lives near the church. “Maybe it’s some kind of charity for the neighborhood or something, like how they have all those bales of hay laid out in that squiggle shape over in the back lot. My chicken coop needed lining and if it weren’t for that goodwill service I don’t know how I would have done it this year. Bless ‘em.”

Recent reports out of Lima have also found unlimited free coffee in the Chase bank lobby.

3 Books To Pretend You Like When In Reality You Haven’t Read Anything Since “The Giver”

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Almost every Millennial was forced to read Lois Lowry’s “The Giver” at some point during middle school. We were quizzed on its dystopian themes, prodded to pick out motifs, and required to write bullshit book reports about that weird kid Jonas and the dead baby in the trash chute.

For some, probably including you, “The Giver” was the last book you ever read from start to finish. But maybe you just landed your first date in 18 months and found out they’re a total bookworm. Or perhaps you started school again and want to pretend you’re as erudite as your pretentious classmates. Thankfully, we’ve compiled a bulletproof list of smart-sounding favorites you can totally lie about loving!

“On the Road” by Jack Kerouac
This Beat Generation classic follows protagonist Dean Moriarty as he travels around America and Mexico doing stupid shit with his dumbass friends. Somehow I read most of it and still can’t tell you what it’s about. But if you say you like it because it’s a “daring recollection of a stigmatized counterculture, the capricious challenges of survival, and the whimsy of travel,” or something like that, no one will know how to disagree with you. As you may recall, nobody traveled in “The Giver,” because they all lived in a wacky cult called the Community and those who were “released” actually got euthanized. Why the hell were we forced to read that?

“Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut
For decades now, saying you like Kurt Vonnegut has been the easiest way to impress, or at least placate, a rabid group of English majors. But everyone and their brother has read “Slaughterhouse-Five” (except you of course). But if you go with the slightly more obscure “Cat’s Cradle,” people might think you’re actually the kind of person who reads paragraphs of text for fun. Or, you can dye your hair blue and start smoking Pall Malls and people will just assume you’ve read every Vonnegut book! Speaking of blue, remember nobody but Jonas and the old guy could see colors in “The Giver?” What the fuck was that about?

“A Clockwork Orange” By Anthony Burgess
Finally, a book with an actually okay movie adaption you can watch instead! This horrorshow novel written in jibberish follows Alex, a juvenile delinquent who gets his evil brain reprogrammed so he can’t enjoy crime anymore. In many ways, it’s similar to how reading “The Giver” made it so you couldn’t enjoy your childhood anymore. But the Ludovico Technique (the name of the procedure Alex undergoes that you should write on your arm so you don’t forget) was at least reversible. There is no forgetting “The Giver.” Like Jonas, you are doomed to be haunted by memories of that shitty book forever.

Local Creep Inspired to Run Marathon After Seeing Woman With Visible Tattoos 26.2 Miles Away

Posted on by Peter Woods

HOPKINGTON, Mass. — Local creep Brad Hinton announced his plans to run a full marathon, moments after seeing a woman with visible tattoos 26.2 miles from where he was standing, confirmed multiple sources familiar with the situation.

“Yeah, I know I have never exercised a day in my life, but I’m just feeling really hyped on reaching this fitness goal. A lot of guys are content to let beautiful tattooed women come to them; that’s for lazy pricks. I’m going to put in the work,” said Hinton as he craned his neck to see the tattooed woman. “And if I can run 26.2 miles, I can do anything. I can get my life in order, I can ask that woman what her ‘ink’ means, and if I can touch them, and then see where she lives. That’s giving me so much energy right now.”

The tattooed woman that inspired Harding’s impromptu running career, Juliette Harding, was unaware of, but “completely unsurprised” by, his plans to ask her about her tattoos.

“Honestly, this isn’t the first time some jagoff picked up a sport just to harass me about my tattoos. I used to live by the Charles River and there were multiple occasions where guys stole a crew boat and rowed up to me to ask which tattoo hurt the most,” said Harding. “I don’t even know which tattoo he saw. I’ve been wearing a hoodie and jeans all morning. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he will shit himself around mile 22 and give up. I don’t need this today.”

Others in the running world shared a sense of unease after hearing about Hinton’s plans.

“We’re always excited to hear about someone else taking the dive into long distance running,” said Kelli Monroe, president of the American Marathon Runners Association. “We strongly believe it’s a great form of exercise that people of all ages can try. But we’re also pretty strongly opposed to having a bunch of goons like this in running culture, so maybe he could find something else to do.”

“Maybe he could try deep sea fishing and just stay the hell away from everyone,” Monroe added.

As of press time, Hinton had reportedly run 0.57 miles, lost his breath, and decided to instead imagine an entire relationship with Harding in his head.

Self-Care? This Woman Takes Three Excedrin Before Drinking

Posted on by Dom Turek

There’s a misconception that self-care only applies to wealthy people who can afford spa treatments and luxury vacations. When, in reality, it’s also available to destitute borderline alcoholics like this woman, who is changing the self-care game with her proactive solutions!

Self-care tends to take place in the aftermath of a stressful event, but not for this woman. She finds that taking action before disaster strikes is a much more effective means of optimizing self-care, which is why she’s washing a handful of Excedrin down with this Moscow Mule before she blacks out.

The trick is making small but meaningful gestures for yourself, like stocking up on Pedialyte before a night out or packing a few Adderall in your purse to help you sober up for that long drive home. Whether you’re having a few after-work cocktails with friends or are just stuck in an unbreakable cycle of binge drinking, taking a massive dose of acetaminophen to cushion the blow of your hangover is a true act of self-care, even if the warning label on the back of the bottle says it may increase your risk of developing stomach ulcers.

Follow her lead and you’ll thank yourself the next morning when you wake up headache-free on a bartender’s partially deflated air mattress. Not dealing with a debilitating migraine frees up the nervous system to focus on more pressing issues like, “Where did I park my car?” and “What day is it?” Personally, when the shame spiral starts to go into full effect, I like to treat myself to a self-love bloody Mary followed by an emotional-support Ambien, but feel free to mix and match based on your own self-care regimen.

Fully Furnished Punk House Comes With Guy Who Can’t Pay His Part Of The Rent

Posted on by Ryan Danley

SEATTLE — A local property management company announced they will begin offering fully furnished punk houses which will include a guy who eats all the food and crashes on the couch all the time without ever chipping for rent.

“When we furnish a punk house, we go all out. We aim for authenticity. We have burnt butter knives on the stove, beer cans on the coffee table and of course some dude named Resin who has money for records and tattoos but never money for his tiny portion of the rent ,” said property supervisor Sly Stanley. “This guy has everything a punk house needs; he eats your food, is loud at all hours of the night, and his girlfriend will be in the only bathroom for an hour in the morning even though she clearly has no job. Just another precision detail from us at Allin Homes.”

Tenant Steve “Steveo” Maltin has been thrilled with his rental.

“It’s great to be able to have a genuine punk experience without having to spend a bunch of years creating social capital. And having Resin here has been great. He doesn’t say a lot, or really do anything around the house, but he is literally always home. So I really don’t even need to lock the door,” said Maltin. “I mean, sometimes it’s a little interesting having him around. Like this time I lost this cool Discharge shirt, only to eventually notice Resin wearing it. Which was weird because he had helped me look for it for like an hour.”

Allin Properties development director, Mike Henry, has been encouraged by early numbers.

“Since we’ve had such an excellent response to this project, we’ve gone ahead and added multiple units across every town. All with their own specialty touches, but everyone gets a Resin. Fortunately, there seems to be an endless supply of dudes who want to sit around and be total shitbags,” said Henry. “Next year we’re expanding the entire punk line. We plan on renting out half running Ford Ecolines to bands and providing opportunities for women to hold their boyfriend’s jacket while they’re in the pit. Finally, the true punk experience will be accessible to all.”

Resin was unavailable for comment as his phone was turned off and he is currently using his roommates.

Dog Not Even First to Pee on Floor at Show

Posted on by Ken Taro

PITTSBURGH — Local dog and DIY show regular, Puffy, was spotted being among countless esteemed venue supporters who have been known to piss on the floor rather than a designated facility, sources report.

“I was just about to reach my favorite corner when I stepped in another puddle,” confirmed Puffy. “It could have been Yuengling, but I sniffed it just to be sure. It was pee. I was livid because everyone knows that’s my corner. The shittiest part is that I’m definitely gonna be the one who takes the blame for it, especially since that guy who always passes out and pisses himself isn’t here tonight. Whoever did it didn’t even have the decency to kick dirt over it or anything.”

Diamond Maybach, a resident at the house venue, alleged this was not the first time this has happened.

“We have corner pissers in here all the time,” revealed Maybach. “As soon as those freaks see the cluttered up corners of the unfinished basement down there they want to give each corner a golden shower. It’s like a dog seeing a fire hydrant. I much prefer when the dog does it because at least they aim it at just one spot on the wall so no one really has to worry about stepping in it.”

Show goer Dino Evans allegedly caught one of the human violators in the act.

“I wasn’t sure at first when I saw the guy in the corner because I thought he was just huffing something,” stated Evans. “But then, he walked by me, and I detected the unmistakable scent of hot piss. I was going to confront him, but I was almost dazed by the fumes because the dude must have had some asparagus for dinner or hasn’t had a sip of water all year or something. When I regained my composure, the guy was gone. I have Puffy’s back on this one the whole way.”

Maybach retorted that she had now decided to go with the flow and install drains in each corner of the venue.

Pregnant Punk Forced to Be Designated Driver

Posted on by Caroline Smith

BALTIMORE — Friends of local mom-to-be Vivian Wilburg have been taking advantage of her mandatory sobriety and using her as a designated driver since her second trimester, drunk-as-fuck sources confirmed.

“Viv being pregnant is saving me tons of money on Uber, and since I don’t have to take the bus anymore I haven’t been charged with assault for fighting a bus driver in weeks,” explained Wilburg’s boyfriend Eric Zapel with his eyes shining enthusiastically. “Plus, we’re spending more time together since she’s always the one taking me and the boys to the bar. She normally naps in the car while we get smashed, so she still gets her quiet time. That’s very important to the health of the baby, probably.”

Friends of the couple were initially surprised by Wilburg’s pregnancy, but now say they’re grateful for how much money it has saved them on ER visits and bail.

“When I first found out Viv was pregnant, I was disappointed because I just scored a bunch of acid and there is no way she’s going to want to do that now,” admitted longtime best friend Monica Nichols. “But this has been huge for the entire friend group. It’s been months since anyone has drunkenly crashed a skateboard, fallen down while chasing a raccoon, or gotten into a fight with their own reflection in a puddle while walking home. Viv is always there to give us a ride, and we got used to her complaining about her swollen feet.”

Wilburg was looking forward to making “tiny vests with safety pins and patches, and mobiles made out of bones from the street,” but confessed that she hasn’t been able to find the time.

“I’ve become everyone’s personal valet. I’d charge them for gas, but I know they don’t have any money,” said Wilburg while wearily rubbing her belly. “I thought I would have a lot more time to rest if I wasn’t at shows every night, although for some reason I’m at The Stinkhole more than ever. Which sucks, because it’s not the type of bar that you want to smell sober, even if you aren’t pregnant. To make matters worse, we let a band crash on our floor the other night and someone stole all of my anti-nausea pills and ginger ale for their hangover.”

At press time, Wilburg’s water had just broken but she had to call an Uber because no one was sober enough to take her to the hospital.

Stop Saying I’m in a Toxic Relationship. This Vat of Corrosive Acid Understands Me Better Than You Ever Could

Posted on by James Knapp

First of all, its name is Jeremy. And second, I don’t care if it can literally melt my skin while asphyxiating me to death if I stand too close to it. This bubbling vat of industrial acid is my soul mate.

Never you mind what all those chemical burns on my arms are from! Sometimes love hurts!

I know how this probably looks: it’s a noxious tub of volatile chemicals, I’m a part-time art student — we come from different worlds. But when we’re alone together and I remove the protective mylar cover that keeps all of the acid inside the vat, it just makes my heart melt.

Then I start to get really itchy and overheat, and then my eyes start to water and my tongue swells to the size of a Nerf football until I am incapable of controlling my rectum. After that, my heart actually does start melting.

It is not attempted murder! The vat loves me!

It understands my needs and my desires more than anyone I’ve ever known. Just because it’s not a traditional relationship, you feel entitled to slap labels on it like “toxic” and “carcinogenic.” Also, that actual bio-hazard label on the side of the vat. So judgmental.

Why don’t you just leave us alone? It’s my relationship, so I don’t really see why it’s any of your business in the first place. Yes, I know that vat is leaking now, but that’s none of your business either. Jeremy is still just figuring itself out. You act like you’ve never had any caustic sludge seep out of you before, hypocrite.

I just can’t take your negative energy anymore, it’s making me lightheaded and blurring my vision for some reason. Just leave already. I need to take a quick neutralizing chemical shower again.

And when we get married and have kids someday, don’t expect to get a call to be godparent to Vatty and Jeremy Jr.