The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Son Endures Dad’s Retelling of “Once-I-Won-Aerosmith-Tickets-On-the-Radio” Story

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Joanna McNaney Stein

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local son Austin Miller was held hostage for nearly 20 minutes this evening amid his father’s annual retelling of the time he won free Aerosmith tickets by calling a local radio station hotline.

“I was wearing this old Aerosmith shirt of my dad’s when I ran into the old man blowing leaves off the driveway. He thinks it’s a huge deal that he won two tickets to see them thirty years ago. He loves saying he was ‘lucky caller number 69,’ and he got the shirt at the concert, but I can’t take it anymore,” admitted the younger Miller. “I’ve tried to interrupt him and let him know I’ve heard this story before, but he just says ‘yeah’ then he starts from the beginning all over again.”

Miller’s father believes his teenage son is missing a valuable lesson about patience and persistence.

“It was 1990. I waited all week for that Aerosmith giveaway! This was before people even had cell phones, okay? I called 96.7 ‘The Rock’ like a dozen times from a landline, and — get this — I was lucky caller number sixty-nine! Do you know how improbable that is? I know a thing or two about sticking with something,” stated Saul Miller. “What does this kid know? He worked a total of one shift at McDonald’s, stole a milkshake and a Quarter Pounder, and left. Bravo, son! At least I got to see ‘Love in an Elevator’ live. ‘Livin’ it up when you’re going dooooown!’ He doesn’t even tuck the shirt in.”

Retired radio announcer “Wolf Dawg” Delaney was able to locate a recording of the live broadcast featuring Mr. Miller from a box of old floppy disks.

“I can verify that yes, an Aerosmith show did, in fact, happen in January of 1990 during their ‘Pump’ tour,” confirmed DJ Wolf Dawg. “This Miller guy who won tickets was caller 69, which was the lucky number we picked for every giveaway. But, why does it even matter anymore? Is he dead or something?”

At press time, Mr. Miller was seen by neighbors peeling out of his driveway in a Ford Taurus blasting “Sweet Emotion.”

The Next Kid Rock? This Animatronic Weasel Is Uncomfortable With Gay People

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Dan Rice

We all know who Kid Rock is and what he represents, but who will embody the worst side of our older brothers and uncles in the future? This has long been one of those questions that don’t have any answers, until now!

With his trash mouth and antiquated worldview, Wille T. Weasel, the banjo player of the animatronic house band at Terry’s Taxibilly Tavern is poised to take the mantle of the legendary outlaw cowboy! Let’s see how he stacks up to the original:

The Look:
This weasel looks like so much absolute hell that if you put him next to the real Kid Rock you would be hard-pressed to tell them apart! Years of lice damage have whittled his coat down to a patchy wisp and the frame beneath is gaunt and decrepit, not unlike a certain Mr. American Badass himself! Add to that the fact that our robo-rodent friend sports a tiny fedora and sunglasses mounted with hot glue and the two men practically look separated at birth.

The Ability:
According to his spec sheet, Wille T. Weasel runs on a first-gen Raspberry Pi preloaded with Lynyrd Skynyrd’s greatest hits. Experts in the field agree that this is more than enough hardware, data and processing power to generate music and lyrics on par with the infamous Detroit Cowboy.

The Insecurity:
Okay, he’s got the look, he more than has the talent, but does Kid Rock would-be Willie Weasel have the trademark sensibilities to truly represent the Devil Without a Cause brand? As it turns out, Willie is on the exact right wrong side of history to be the next Kid!

Over 70% of comment cards left at Terry’s Taxibilly Tavern last year alone were complaints about Willie. According to them, Willie displays an “inability to just let it go whenever two persons of the same sex express the slightest amount of intimacy in his presence.” Willie’s go-to move is to call attention to same-sex couples and say “well, it’s a free country I guess” before giving a long, slow, poorly choreographed eye roll. On more than one occasion Willie was written up for yelling at the waitstaff, and was once overheard telling them “you have to warn me when you seat those kinds of people near me, they freak me out.” If that wasn’t enough, Willie is wanted for questioning in connection with the capitol riots.

Keep your eyes open for a purple vape cloud to emerge from the smokestacks of Detroit’s abandoned tire factories because we might just have a new Kid Rock!

Good luck on your journey to Rockhood Wille, and from all of us at The Hard Times a hearty (Radio Edit)!

Struggling Punk Band Tired of Living Drink Ticket to Drink Ticket

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Bobby Korec

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Struggling punk band Sucks To Be You revealed that they were at wits’ end after years of living drink ticket to drink ticket, sources who recommended they just learn how to code instead confirmed.

“Seems like every time we are compensated for a hard half-hour of work it’s spent immediately on our basic booze drinking needs,” said the band’s singer Jeremy Langston before asking the venue bartender if he could “get you next time” for the beers. “It’s like we aren’t able to set aside any drink tickets to build for our future alcohol intake. It would be nice to one day save up for something real big like a house cocktail. Unfortunately, it feels like we can never get ahead in this bullshit live music capitalist system. That’s why I’m for a more socialist-based alcohol distribution system. After all, it’s a right, not a privilege to get hammered.”

Many older members of the scene offered unsolicited advice for the band.

“Maybe they shouldn’t blow their tickets on pointless things, like the venue’s expensive avocado toast,” said booker Corey Daveland. “There’s been speculation that venue leaders might raise the minimum ticket stipend for each show, which would be an absolute disaster for the local economy. For one, that would reduce incentive and more importantly force me to raise cover prices at the door out of spite. If these bands want to succeed they should pick themselves up by their bootstraps and struggle for years and years. Thank God I never had to do that bullshit since I was born into drink ticket wealth because my dad owned 16 bars around the city. I’ve never had to worry about where my next beer is coming from.”

Financial experts were more sympathetic to the band and believe that opportunities for younger bands trying to get sloshed are harder to come by.

“There is a widening gap between bands rich in drink tickets and those less fortunate,” said music historian Kameron Dornfield. “Big tech is driving up alcohol prices at the local bar level, and drink tickets simply don’t stretch as far as they used to. Someone really ought to do something about drink ticket inequality before bands are forced to work two gigs a week just to make ends meet.”

At press time, the band announced that they set up a GoFundMe page to help cover the costs of a recent bar tab which included an emergency flight of beer to get their drummer trashed.

Review: Oasis “Definitely, Maybe”

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the 1994 album that everyone mistakes for the one with “Wonderwall” on it, “Definitely, Maybe,” from “Wonderwall” superstars, Oasis.

With fall now officially here and the cozy, reassuring feeling that comes with the inevitable death and decaying of everything around us, I’ve been feeling nostalgic for something familiar. As all of my exes have me blocked, and my hometown is off limits as I will probably run into my ex-step-dad Rick and just can’t afford to pay him back right now, revisiting old people and places is just not possible.

So what better way to feel weirdly sad about life than to listen to an old song, and what better song encapsulates “my best days are behind me and my jawline is never coming back” than “Wonderwall”?

Oasis’ “Definitely, Maybe” is an album that really makes you work for it, as you have to listen to it several times and still won’t find this song on there. Starting off with “Rock n’ Roll Star,” you’ll probably think, “OK, it’s not unusual for a band to have some random song that isn’t the one you know as the first track.” I mean, something has to go first. But then you get three songs in, and it’s still not “Wonderwall,” which is gonna make you want to skip ahead, but you won’t because you know that waiting just makes the moment that much sweeter (and I’m pretty sure is the idea behind why my ex from the summer of 2003 still hasn’t returned my emails or bounced-back AIM message requests. What a delicious little game we play, huh AstroCreep6669?)

By the time you get to “Supersonic,” which you’ll mistake as something exciting since you think you remember a band with the same name being big around the same time as “Wonderwall,” you may be tempted to give up, but give up you will not! Mostly because you think those Gallagher boys may have pulled the old “Knights of Cydonia-we’re-gonna-make-the-song-you-came-here-for-be-the-last-track-on-the-album” move, which is equal parts classic and very frustrating, and, on an unrelated note, is how my sexual moves have been described on more than one occasion.

However, the last song on the album is definitely not “Wonderwall” either, and I’m starting to think that maybe that song got my weak mind in some sort of Mandela effect trickery and doesn’t exist at all. I have been doing a lot of whip-it’s since the 90s, so really anything is possible.

SCORE: One out of Five stars, not because “Wonderwall” is nowhere to be found on it, but because the chord progressions throughout just feel a little immature.

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Roommates Spell Out “B-A-T-H” So as Not to Scare Punk

Posted on October 31, 2021 by John Danek

MANHATTAN, Kan. — The roommates of lifelong punk Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens have learned to whisper and spell out the word “bath” when discussing their malodorous roommate’s hygiene habits, the tenants reported.

“Sloshed always smells like shit, and we learned over time that just coming out and saying the word ‘bath’ results in mayhem,” confessed longtime roommate Yolanda Harris, who frequently shoves dryer sheets into nooks and crannies of Stevens’ room and clothing. “He’ll start panting and running around in circles incoherently yelling about ‘the man’ and ‘natural bodily oils’ and ‘Dr. Bronner was a facist’. I think it’s time to address getting him ‘n-e-u-t-e-r-e-d’ so this cycle can’t continue.”

Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens claims that he abstains from typical hygiene practices for “philosophical” reasons.

“If people won’t accept me for who I am and how I choose to treat my body, fuck them. They don’t deserve me,” said Stevens, who is frequently seen in public with a trickle of blood coming from one or both ears. “I’m not going to change the way I live my life just to fit into someone’s narrow, palatable worldview. And for the record, I’m not scared of the word ‘b-h-t-h’ because I always get cookies after and sometimes people even let me ride in their car.”

Dermatologists agree that patients who adhere to a punk lifestyle tend to be the most difficult to treat.

“Punks have skin that defies modern medical explanation, and I shudder every time one of those disgusting freaks walks in,” said Dr. Emma Federov, of the American Board of Dermatology. “It’s as if the smell of Pall Malls and malt liquor gets baked into the skin, like some sort of anti-social brine. Loved ones have to be careful not to scare punks away from bathing entirely, but they should take precautions to not get hurt in the process.”

Stevens’ roommates continue to devise clever methods to improve the living situation, including gifting him a leather studded flea collar which he happily wears obliviously.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Elderly Woman On Deathbed Finally Lets Husband Untie Mysterious Green Ribbon Around Her Neck, Revealing Sublime Tattoo

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Eli Johnson

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Jenny Fitzsimmons allowed her husband Alfred to remove the enigmatic green ribbon she’s worn around her neck since the first day they met, unveiling a tattoo referencing the reggae-rock and ska band, Sublime, sources close to the couple confirmed.

“Alfred has been patient with me for nearly 60 years,” Fitzsimmons explained. “Not even on our wedding night did I reveal to him the secret that the ribbon kept. I’m sorry to have kept him in the dark these many years, but after he untied it, he immediately understood why I could not tell him before, and even helped me tie it back on before anyone else had a chance to see. He said it was either that or a closed casket when the time comes.”

An unfolding of the mysterious ribbon in question revealed the face of the tattooed sun from the popular Southern California musical group’s 1992 debut album, “40oz. to Freedom.”

“I was horrified,” Alfred Fitzsimmons said. “She was always cagey about her past, but I never took my beautiful wife to be such a diehard fan. I suppose there were always signs. Every February 22 she would smoke two joints, which I realize now is Bradley Nowell’s birthday. When she went through her dreadlocks phase, I didn’t protest and stood by her side. I remember she used to hum this beautiful melody to our children as a lullaby, which I’m realizing now was just the chorus to ‘Santeria.’”

Some have dismissed the ghastly story as nothing more than rumors and hearsay.

“This is actually a popular urban legend, with variations dating back as early as the mid-18th century,” said Professor of Folklore at Christopher Newport University, Daniel Gleason. “There’s the story of the red anklet that hides a Misfits tattoo, the key that unlocks an attic full of KISS merchandise, the Flying Dutchman Jimmy Buffet cruise ship — all just tall tales concocted to frighten people. Why, one might suspect the turtlenecks I wear every day are also hiding a dark secret, say, a Phish neck tattoo, which is of course ridiculous, and a detail that only my one true love will know, someday.”

Reportedly, as her dying wish, Jenny asked her husband to disperse her ashes into a dog food bowl labeled “Lou Dog.”

Opinion: Forcing Me To Wear a Mask To Receive Candy Is Communism

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Dan Rice

There is a specter haunting Halloween — the specter of communism.

My name is Toby Masterson. I am 12 years old. You don’t know me, but come October 31st you just may find me knocking on your door to receive candy. Candy that I am legally entitled to, regardless of whether or not I am wearing a mask on my face.

The liberal media would have you believe that Halloween is a day where the walls between the living and the dead are weakest and that we must wear scary masks to spook away evil spirits so they don’t haunt us. Well, I have done my own research, and I consider this to be a provably untrue scare-tactic concocted by the deep state. They just want to break our spirit by proving they can get us to dress up in silly outfits whenever they want.

As a fixed-income child, Halloween candy allows me to supplement my candy consumption for the entire year. I depend on that candy, and the government has no right to tell me what I need to wear on my face in order to earn it.

It’s no surprise that that commie bastard “Sleepy” Joe Biden — a rank and file member of the liberal elite who has never had to earn a piece of candy in his entire life — doesn’t know that trick or treating can take a tremendous toll on the cardiovascular system. You’re walking the whole time with an ever growing bag of candy weighing you down. After a while, it gets pretty hard to breathe under my Jason mask, and I like to take it off, an act that is apparently considered by Marxist swine to be “not in the Halloween spirit.”

FACT: Satanic possession claims more children every year than Halloween specters.

FACT: There is no scientific evidence that wearing a spooky mask prevents someone from contracting a ghost or spreading said ghost to others.

FACT: Young, healthy people with normally functioning souls are perfectly capable of fending off a spiritual possession and may not even display symptoms of possession.

I understand perfectly well that by not wearing a spooky mask I am at risk of becoming infected by an unholy spirit or entity. What you need to understand is that it is my choice to take that risk. This is a democracy, and you have no right to enforce your “safety standards” on me.

Also, would it kill you to spring for full-size Reese’s cups? “Fun size?” Sounds like another word for socialism to me.

Rich Family Giving Out Full Copies of “Chung King Can Suck It”

Posted on October 31, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

WARRENTON, Va. — Local children were confused by the Halloween offerings of Mr. and Mrs. Owens, who handed out full-sized copies of Judge’s rare 1989 “Chung King Can Suck It” LP, multiple adorable ghouls, ghosts, and witches confirmed.

“The last time we were able to celebrate we went all out and gave away jumbo bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and kids went nuts for them, so we needed to outdo ourselves now that Halloween is back,” said Leanna Owens from her heavily decorated front door. “We knew candy just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. We considered giving every kid one Bitcoin, but those prices are so volatile. We wanted to give away something that retains value, so we spent most of the year on eBay buying up all the copies of ‘Chung King’ we could find. So far the reaction has been sort of muted: one kid tossed his in the bushes, and I had to stop a Frankenstein from trying to eat his copy.”

“Lots of dads with tattoos are really excited by the record though, so seeing the smile on their faces makes it all worth it,” she added.

Kids that traveled across town to the “rich people houses” admitted they were disappointed by the valuable treats.

“I was on a frickin’ roll all night. One house gave out Snickers bars the size of my leg, and another house used a snow shovel to scoop Skittles into my bag. It was frickin’ awesome,” said 8-year-old Tommy Boster, dressed as a mutant chicken. “Then we got to the big house at the end of the street and they handed me a smelly old record. My grandma has like 40 bajillion of those. Just give me a toothbrush or something next time, at least I can use one of those to clean my trucks.”

Consumer trend analysts note that neighborly one-upmanship surrounding Halloween can often lead to misguided holiday efforts.

“If someone is giving out full-sized bags of M&Ms, their neighbor might feel obligated to give out ‘Family Sized’ bags. I toured one neighborhood where a family decorated their lawn with tombstones and their neighbor tried to up the stakes by decorating their lawn with actual corpses they stole from a morgue,” said Charlie Harraway. “Just remember that children only want candy. Don’t hand out raisins, don’t hand out pennies, and definitely don’t hand out hand-numbered copies of my favorite record unless you know my kid is stopping by.”

The Owens’ are already brainstorming ideas for next Halloween and are expected to give away original versions of the “AN” American Nightmare zip-up hoodies.

How to Talk Your Narc Kid Into Mischief Night

Posted on October 30, 2021 by Kevin Hufe

Mischief night is a longstanding American youth tradition. Between the throwing of toilet paper and the leaving of flaming bags of dog poo, this “Devil’s Night” has provided a safe space for the symbolic destruction needed to satiate teenage rebellious urges. It’s basically the purge for kids in juvie.

But youth rebellion is changing and many kids, my son included, have become complete narcs about mischief night! How do we go about getting today’s kids to this wonderful tradition when they run to tell their Mom when I so much as look at a carton of jumbo eggs?

Incentivize – Don’t forget you’re one night away from Halloween, the second biggest candy cash cow of the year, behind November 1st. You don’t even need to spend money tonight though! Remind your kid that you can always drive to the rich neighborhoods in exchange for silence. I’ve known a few 12-year-olds that would keep their mouths shut about the murder of their own mother to upgrade from fun-size to full.

Encourage Social Pressures – Go around the neighborhood a few days beforehand telling kids about how you hear your child is “up to no good” and other things that will make your child sound cool and dangerous. Now if they don’t deliver when the pressure’s on, they can expect swift retribution at the hands of their peers.

Punish Them Anyway – Narc kids need to learn early that snitches get stitches. By assuming the rightful role of head tough-parent, you become the rule creator. Hey kiddo, good luck telling the cops how I nailed Mrs. Johnson’s Chevelle with at least half a dozen Grade A whites when you’re grounded from your phone and the family vacation is canceled if you touch it. Having kids rules.

10 Dumbest Decisions You Can Make in a Horror Movie

Posted on October 30, 2021December 11, 2025 by Ted Pillow

How many times have you been watching a scary movie and couldn’t help shouting, “Don’t go in there!” Here are ten of the worst, most idiotic decisions guaranteed to result in a gruesome horror film demise.

Visiting a small town in the middle of nowhere

This is always a recipe for disaster. At best, you’ll discover a bizarre pagan cult run by a gang of murderous children. At worst, they might not even have a Jersey Mike’s.

Staying Overnight at an Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital Built on a Native American Burial Ground without Checking the Yelp Reviews First

Wow, this must be your first horror movie, huh? Of COURSE the abandoned psychiatric hospital built on a Native American burial ground looked like it had a lot of character in the listing photos. But did you even make sure it has free parking on the premises?!?

Saying “Sure, I Guess That Could Work…” to M. Night Shyamalan

No, he’s not kidding. If you don’t tell M. Night no, he will 100% do whatever crazy ass nonsense he typed into his phone’s notepad at 3 a.m. the night before shooting. Great, now it turns out that the monster was actually just a metaphor for homelessness and you can kill it by giving it a hug or some bullshit.

Having Sex with Bobby Joe Down by the Old Boathouse

Everyone knows that any character in an ‘80s horror movie who gets laid is bound to be brutally murdered. This is because slasher movies have a deeply ingrained moralistic subtext, and also because they were almost exclusively made by male virgins.

Searching a Room Full of Potential Weapons for Something to Defend Yourself With and Choosing a Rolled-Up Newspaper

What’re you going to do, swat the monster to death? It’s not a fly! Unless it actually is the Fly, in which case…good call, I guess.

Buy an Antique

First of all, it’s definitely cursed, just look at the weird ass facial expression the cashier had when you bought it. Second, since when did you become your Aunt Sharon? What’s next, you’re going to start drinking Earl Grey tea and watching “Dancing With the Stars”?

Taking a Shower in a Roadside Motel

A.) The creepy desk clerk is watching you shower. B.) He’s going to stab you to death. C.) The water pressure is absolute garbage, you can’t regulate the water temperature, the grout situation is fucked, and the shampoo and body wash are in weird, little unmarked bottles. Gross.

Assuming Your Parents Weren’t Part of a Vigilante Mob that Tracked Down a Child Killer and Burned Him Alive

Dude, do you ever even listen to your parents? Your dad gave me a ride home from soccer practice literally once and he spent the entire drive bragging about the time he and his neighbors cornered a child killer in a boiler room back in the day and straight up murdered his ass. Then he made us listen to Aerosmith.

Be Craig T. Nelson

You’re Emmy-winning actor Craig T. Nelson and you expect to survive this horror movie? Get fucked, buddy.

Expecting the Cops to Help You

Horror movies are unrealistic, but they’re not that unrealistic.