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How to Talk Your Narc Kid Into Mischief Night

Mischief night is a longstanding American youth tradition. Between the throwing of toilet paper and the leaving of flaming bags of dog poo, this “Devil’s Night” has provided a safe space for the symbolic destruction needed to satiate teenage rebellious urges. It’s basically the purge for kids in juvie.

But youth rebellion is changing and many kids, my son included, have become complete narcs about mischief night! How do we go about getting today’s kids to this wonderful tradition when they run to tell their Mom when I so much as look at a carton of jumbo eggs?

Incentivize – Don’t forget you’re one night away from Halloween, the second biggest candy cash cow of the year, behind November 1st. You don’t even need to spend money tonight though! Remind your kid that you can always drive to the rich neighborhoods in exchange for silence. I’ve known a few 12-year-olds that would keep their mouths shut about the murder of their own mother to upgrade from fun-size to full.

Encourage Social Pressures – Go around the neighborhood a few days beforehand telling kids about how you hear your child is “up to no good” and other things that will make your child sound cool and dangerous. Now if they don’t deliver when the pressure’s on, they can expect swift retribution at the hands of their peers.

Punish Them Anyway – Narc kids need to learn early that snitches get stitches. By assuming the rightful role of head tough-parent, you become the rule creator. Hey kiddo, good luck telling the cops how I nailed Mrs. Johnson’s Chevelle with at least half a dozen Grade A whites when you’re grounded from your phone and the family vacation is canceled if you touch it. Having kids rules.