MANHATTAN, Kan. — The roommates of lifelong punk Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens have learned to whisper and spell out the word “bath” when discussing their malodorous roommate’s hygiene habits, the tenants reported.
“Sloshed always smells like shit, and we learned over time that just coming out and saying the word ‘bath’ results in mayhem,” confessed longtime roommate Yolanda Harris, who frequently shoves dryer sheets into nooks and crannies of Stevens’ room and clothing. “He’ll start panting and running around in circles incoherently yelling about ‘the man’ and ‘natural bodily oils’ and ‘Dr. Bronner was a facist’. I think it’s time to address getting him ‘n-e-u-t-e-r-e-d’ so this cycle can’t continue.”
Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens claims that he abstains from typical hygiene practices for “philosophical” reasons.
“If people won’t accept me for who I am and how I choose to treat my body, fuck them. They don’t deserve me,” said Stevens, who is frequently seen in public with a trickle of blood coming from one or both ears. “I’m not going to change the way I live my life just to fit into someone’s narrow, palatable worldview. And for the record, I’m not scared of the word ‘b-h-t-h’ because I always get cookies after and sometimes people even let me ride in their car.”
Dermatologists agree that patients who adhere to a punk lifestyle tend to be the most difficult to treat.
“Punks have skin that defies modern medical explanation, and I shudder every time one of those disgusting freaks walks in,” said Dr. Emma Federov, of the American Board of Dermatology. “It’s as if the smell of Pall Malls and malt liquor gets baked into the skin, like some sort of anti-social brine. Loved ones have to be careful not to scare punks away from bathing entirely, but they should take precautions to not get hurt in the process.”
Stevens’ roommates continue to devise clever methods to improve the living situation, including gifting him a leather studded flea collar which he happily wears obliviously.
Photo by Senny Mau.