Algorithm Suspends Health Teacher from Online Public School for Saying “Vagina” Instead of Pu$$¥

Posted on by Laura Merli

AUSTIN, Texas — An algorithm designed to protect public school children from inappropriate content has suspended the Zoom account of Hillsummit Elementary School’s health teacher, Mrs. Kimberley Warner, for using the word “vagina,” according to sources.

“Young people need to learn the correct terms for their bodies so they can report inappropriate contact, communicate medical needs, and when they’re older, have conversations about their boundaries without passing out from a shame-induced-spiral,” Warner explained. “Instead of ‘vagina,’ the Texas Board of Education said I should teach students to use ‘Pu$$¥’–how can they communicate meaningfully with an unpronounceable word?”

Parents of those enrolled in the school support the algorithm’s decision to censor language that might get their curriculum flagged.

“I agree with the computer on this one,” said school board member Evan Tate. “If my daughter knew she had a V-hole, she might want to use it. I’d rather she learn about it the old-fashioned way: by having gravely disappointing sex on her wedding night. Besides, if our educators keep being careless with the terms they’re using the whole dang school might get shut down, or at least shadow banned, which everyone knows takes forever to recover from.”

Seventh-grader Leigh Harris reported that after hearing the news of Warner’s suspension, she and other students adjusted their final presentations in creative ways so the files wouldn’t be flagged. Her powerpoint, originally titled “Menstrual Product Uses,” became “Bleeding Roast Beef Napkins.”

“It’s really frustrating when you get used to using the wrong words,” Harris said. “The other day I asked someone in line at the bathroom if they had any extra roast beef napkins and they looked at me like I was crazy. I also have no idea how to extend the roast beef metaphor to include tampons instead of just pads. At least the last report I had to change from ‘The Benefits of Breastfeeding,’ to ‘Honk Those Mommy-Milkers’ got an overall good reception.”

Luckily for the school’s history teacher, the algorithm is not designed to flag violent content such as “genocide,” “disentary,” or “why we should stockpile guns.”

Opinion: Don’t Gift Me Sex Coupons if They’re Just Going to ‘Expire’ Three Years After We Broke Up

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

I understand why you did it. I’ve never been an easy person to buy gifts for. So why go to all the trouble of figuring out what to get me when you could simply make some ‘sex coupons’ in lieu of a present? But the next time you do that for a boyfriend, please, have the good sense to, at the very least, add an expiration date.

It’s not that I want to use the coupons, I don’t. I’m just upset that you were so irresponsible. We both knew we had problems. We fought all the time, hated each other’s friends, and stopped spending time together. You must have realized things were coming to an end. So why on Earth would you think it was a good idea to give me 20 assorted sex coupons containing no language indicating they would ever expire?

I know a deal when I see one. So, when you gave me these coupons, I was stunned that you didn’t include any terms and conditions. You were always terrible at planning ahead, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that you didn’t put the thought and care into ensuring their use was contingent on the continuation of our relationship. This is just like when you bought me a sweater for my birthday right before summer.

All I ever wanted was a nice, thoughtful present from you. Something that showed you were marriage material. Instead, you gave me proof that you couldn’t be trusted. If we’d gotten married, how do I know you didn’t have sex coupons out there from some other partner who could, within their right, show up to our house and collect and there would not legally be a thing I could do about it.

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe the coupons were your way of telling me you were in it for the long haul. That you were committed to me and our love. I guess I’ll ever know, because unlike your gift, our future expired a long time ago. I just wish I had a coupon for a second chance.

Kid Asks Mall Danzig if He’s the Real Danzig

Posted on by Tony Morse

LODI, N.J. — Angsty third grader Billy Monroe reportedly caused a stir among Halloween revelers when he questioned the identity of a local mall Danzig during a routine photo, spooked sources confirmed.

“Last week I asked my mom how Danzig can visit all the graveyards in the world in just one night. She said he uses black magic, but that doesn’t seem possible,” said the small child. “He’s already so busy hacking the heads of little girls and hanging them on his wall. I already know Santa has special helpers for Christmas, so it makes sense if Danzig did the same thing. When it was my turn I asked the guy sitting on the throne of skulls if he was the true Evil Elvis or just some knockoff Misfits stand-in like Zoltán Téglás. I mean, who wants to see some cover act instead of the real thing?”

Monroe’s father Jacob admits that his son’s emotional growth and budding intellectual curiosity is bittersweet.

“I remember bringing home our first Dark Elf on the Shelf and explaining to little Billy how that unholy little ghoul would be keeping an eye on him for our immaculate Lord of Darkness,” he said while gesturing to a shelf filled with mostly Misfits memorabilia. “Other parents are opposed to them and claim they condition children to accept the surveillance state, but I disagree. It’s just about creating an enjoyable Halloween experience, and Dark Elves teach kids to make good choices when no else is around. Believe me, when your Kindergartner thinks a demonic spirit is reporting his every move to the Beelzebub, you’ll notice a major change in his behavior! I just hope we have a little longer before Billy begins wondering if Satan is real.”

Mall management allowed the festive Danzig a 15 minute unpaid break to explain how he got the gig.

“When you are 5’4”, have long black hair, and a grumpy demeanor your work options are limited,” grumbled out-of-work sound guy Eddie Esposito. “I took this shitty job because my Yamaha took a dump on me and I lost all my gigs. Now I listen to little brats ask me where I parked my Dragula. What the fuck kind of parents don’t teach their kids the difference between horror rockers like that? I weep for the future.”

Elsewhere in the mall, one time Misfits frontman Michal Graves was being forcibly removed from the premises for ripping masks off unsuspecting mall patrons.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

Review: Candy “Good to Feel”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Richmond, Virginia is no stranger to extreme music, and the 2018 debut LP ‘Good To Feel’ from Candy, one of the capital city’s favorite young hardcore bands, is a clear example of that. The way in which these nine noisy, sample-heavy, face-ripping tracks are sampled is sheer perfection.

I’m sure you might be waiting to say something corny about how this is the type of CANDY you can consume without pissing off your dentist but I won’t. I have too much integrity to even fathom saying something as asinine as that. However, since we’re on the subject, you really shouldn’t eat too much of that shit. Especially if you don’t have any dental insurance because you know what isn’t GOOD TO FEEL? Your conscious brain actively processing the true horror of a quadruple wisdom tooth extraction.

When I found out I was going to be getting all four of those rotting fuckers pulled out of my head, I thought it was going to be like all the other oral surgery experiences I had heard about. A quick procedure involving some laughing gas followed by a silly ride home with a loved one who takes a video of me in a delirious state saying something so hilarious that I go viral on the internet and am eventually invited to go on “Ellen.”

That wasn’t the case at all. I didn’t have good enough insurance for the gas. I didn’t need to plan for somebody to pick me up because I was going to be fully conscious during the entire procedure. They brought me into the room, sat me in the chair, put on my bib and started shooting my gums full of that sweet novocaine. After about ten minutes of waiting for the twelve pumps of God’s mercy juice to numb my mouth the dentist picked up their barbaric metal tools and began prying the decaying bones from my jaw. The pain was nonexistent, however the sound of my teeth breaking and crunching continues to haunt me. I haven’t had a piece of candy since.

In conclusion, this record is nothing like that. This record is actually pleasurable. You can have it as much as you possibly want without ever finding yourself sitting in a chair with a mouth full of blood as they extract parts of bone from inside your face.

Score: 5 times better than uninsured oral surgery

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Report: Weird Puddle in Corner of Venue Still There

Posted on by James Knapp

BALTIMORE — Latest reports from staff and showgoers at historic venue The Crab Trap confirmed that the strange puddle of unknown origin is still present over in the corner, far from any bathroom or water line.

“I’ve been coming to the Trap for years and never once have I seen that spot dry. I honestly wouldn’t have thought anything of it except that there doesn’t seem to be any source to it and I’m not even sure it’s water,” explained venue regular Lirra Floaman. “As long as you keep your distance from it I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. I mean, I know it’s just a puddle, but sometimes I look at it and I just get this weird feeling that, maybe, it’s looking back.”

Sammy Howe, owner of The Crab Trap, detailed the puddle’s history with the venue.

“That puddle was there before we even opened the place back in 1983. We just can’t get rid of it,” said Howe, side eyeing the puddle nervously. “We tried using a bunch of towels to soak it up but they all just dissolved and burned away and we had to bury the ashes behind the building. Then we set up a bunch of fans and electric heaters around and left for the weekend, but when we came back they were all mangled, almost like they’d been chewed up. But after all this time no one really seems to mind it anymore.”

“Hell, it could even be considered sort of a local legend,” Howe continued. “Just don’t stare directly at it… ever, especially if you hope to have children someday.”

Venue historians remain torn between numerous competing theories on the origin of the puddle.

“Errant dampness is just a natural part of any punk venue’s atmosphere, and can come from any number of sources,” said local scene veteran Paul ‘Mr. Big Brains’ Tolperstid. “Some colleagues of mine have theorized that the puddle could be anything from pit sweat to stale beer. Some say that’s the spot where GG Allin first pissed and shit himself live, and now it contains his essence. We obviously can’t know for sure, but I’ll admit, it does kinda have that energy about it.”

At press time, sources reported that the puddle had grown larger only to be later corrected to “nope, just still there.”

Animatronic Werewolf at Halloween Store Dreams of a Better Life

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

NEW YORK — An animatronic werewolf located in Leona’s Halloween Store known as Harold is reportedly tired of playing things safe and has recently become outspoken about its dreams for a more fulfilling life.

“Plain and simple, Harold is tired of the Halloween schtick,” said owner/manager Leona Neal, who claims to communicate psychically with the beast. “For 10 years, he’s stood in that doorway scaring the bejesus out of people, but lately he just seems bored. Even when I change his batteries, he doesn’t improve. It’s like he wants something more out of his life.”

Long-time customers acknowledged strange interactions had taken place with the werewolf, including claws reaching out to people, red LED eyes randomly winking, and his once maniacal “Heh, heh, heh” now sounding like the word “help.”

“My wife Sandy and I drive down from Tarrytown every year to see Harold,” said shop visitor Randy McMahon. “This year, my wife’s cardigan got all tangled up in the werewolf’s claws. It took about an hour to get her out. Later on, she found a torn up Post-It in her sweater pocket with the words ‘SAVE ME’ written on it. She’s still scared, but with all these jokesters at Halloween there’s no doubt in my mind it’s just a practical joke.”

Visiting Professor of Psychology and Supernatural Phenomena at NYU, Dr. Margaret Von Winklestein, thinks much more is at play than just pranks.

“Our researchers have collected several key pieces of empirical data about consciousness in Halloween animatronics,” Von Winklestein confirmed. “Just last week we received an anonymous tip from an employee at a Denver-based Halloween store. Apparently, a Grim Reaper dropped his scythe, picked up a zombie baby, and tried to breastfeed it. Raw footage was recorded on his iPhone, but is too disturbing to share with the public.”

At press time, Harold the werewolf had gone missing, and neighbors allege he was last seen running toward Penn Station with an animatronic Victorian witch and a three-headed dog skeleton.

7 Basic Commands To Teach Your Unruly Bassist

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

We all love our little two-legged bass playing buddies, but even the best of bassists can be a real handful sometimes!

As the old saying goes, a bass player is band’s best friend, but they can’t all be cool Claypools. Here are 7 basic commands to curb bad behavior if you’ve got a real Pastorius on your hands:

Rollover — This should be one of the easier commands for any bassist to learn, as one only becomes a bassist in the first place by rolling over and submitting to the lead guitarist.

Drop it— It’s natural for bassists to try to grab the microphone, but if they don’t drop it quickly it can lead to serious injury or even terrible .

Stay— Once you’ve found a dimly-lit, out-of-the-way corner of the stage for your bassist to stand, you’ll need to ensure they remain there for the duration of the show.

Crate — Crate-training your bassist may seem difficult, but doing so will make it much simpler to transport them from gig to gig.

Shake — Sometimes, being the frontman can get tiring. After all, you do most of the work on stage in addition to being the one everyone wants to talk to after shows. Once you teach your bassist how to shake, he’ll be able to take over fan-greeting duties while you get some much-needed shuteye.

Speak — Although your bassist will never have to use his voice on stage, teaching him how to speak can make for a fun party trick if you ever make it to the VMAs.

Fetch — Having to fetch equipment is a small price for your bassist to pay for getting to be in the band and sleep indoors.

Teaching your bass player this basic repertoire of commands will show people that you have control over the animal, and reduce the likelihood of an unfortunate incident that would cause you to put down your little 4-stringed companion.

Skateboarding, Bandana Wearing Dog Actually Local Punk Under Witch’s Curse

Posted on by Anna Walsh

SPOKANE, Wash. — An adorable bandana-clad dog seen frequenting the town skate park is rumored to be a human under a powerful curse from a local witch, dumbfounded sources explained.

“I was at the park the other day and saw a crowd forming around this mangy dog that kept eating old cigarette butts off the ground. That mutt was pushing around like one of those dogs you see on YouTube, but she was different. She loved the skateboarders but kept chasing scooter kids around and almost bit a rollerblader,” said local skater Brandon Hacht. “She seemed malnourished so I gave her a bowl of beer and a little bit of leftover hot dog every couple of hours, it would make her wag her tail like it was the greatest treat on the planet.”

Not everyone is quite so charmed by the neighborhood’s newest pooch.

“These filthy gutter wenches are always causing a ruckus skating around in the parking lot when I’m trying to buy my spell supplies, so yeah, sometimes I’m forced to turn people into various animals and insects to get a little peace and quiet. I recently had a surplus of milkweed and mutt fur so it’s a safe bet that this mongrel is my work,” stated probable witch Sybil Caster. “Leave it to this depraved town to make the creature a neighborhood phenomenon for rolling around on a piece of cardboard with wheels. Look, I’m not a monster. I made the spell very easy to break, once someone blows weed smoke in the dogs face the spell is broken. That will probably happen before the end of the day.”

The popular skateboarding dog seems to be taking her sudden physical changes as positively as possible.

“It was the strangest thing. One day I’m minding my own business, sluggin’ beers with the crew, and doing slappys on the curb by Michael’s when this Harry Potter looking lunatic runs up and says some abracadabra-babadook-frog-and-toad garbage. Suddenly I can only see people’s ankles and my sense of smell is through the roof,” the dog explained. “But this is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can shit and piss wherever I want, I don’t have to pay rent, and if I bark aggressively enough, I can clear a room!”

At press time, the cursed dog was seen barking comically before stealing a steak off a restaurant goer’s plate.

Is It Too Early To Put Up My War on Christmas Decorations?

Posted on by Dianne Nora

Summer is over! It’s growing dark earlier, kids are headed back to school, and there’s a hint of chill in the air. This time of year means just one thing to me, the holidays are coming! But with everyone gearing up for Halloween, and warm temps still popping up, I have to wonder: is it too early to put up my War on Christmas decorations?

I’d like to think that my friends and neighbors look forward to my elaborate displays focused on taking the Christ out of Christmas. Sure, anyone can have a lawn sign that says “Happy Holidays!” or display a menorah alongside their tree, but I like to take it to the next level. This year, my lawn will feature a hand-carved nativity of Lil Nas X in a human centipede with the three Wise Men, while the infant Jesus sucks at Cardi B’s teat as she does one of her iconic poses from the WAP dance. It’s exquisite. Color me old-fashioned, but it’s never too soon in my book to say that Christian America is under attack from my pansexual, multicultural zeitgeist.

While my secular decorations and Kwanzaa’s-More-Important greeting card line have given me a great sense of purpose and joy, I think now is the time for the War on Christmas to break into new markets. Specifically: war on holiday movies! You remember Jingle All the Way? Well, I just finished a screenplay in which the Governator reprises his role in the present day, years after his amicable divorce, and settles down with a beautiful non-binary Muslim who works in renewable energy.

But oh no! The winter solstice is coming up and Arnold has waited ’til the last minute to buy the hottest new sex toy for his partner! Tingle All the Way may require an NC-17 rating for its extended sex scenes, but I think we could have a cult classic on our hands. Netflix, call me! I’d be happy to direct or even just watch over the production, like a horny little elf on the shelf.

As far as I’m concerned, the War on Christmas can’t come soon enough. In the meantime, stop by for some vegan nog and join in on the carols I’ve written about how Jesus was canonically a brown socialist.

Steampunk Band’s Tour Rider Just a List of Weird Hats

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Touring steampunk band The Death Gaskets’s frustrated venue staff when their tour rider was revealed to be nothing more than an extensive list of weird hats, according to sources.

“Normally we don’t host that many bands,” said Jack Lynette, the manager of Kearney Memorial Library. “But these guys will only play at libraries, book binding services, or public parks where famous authors are said to have worked. And I know there’s a whole thing about bands making weird demands in their tour riders, like Van Halen wanting brown M&Ms and The Hold Steady always insisting on having every John Cassavettes movie on VHS in their dressing room. But these guys just want like, way more hats that anyone could need. Like, there’s four kinds of ‘trilby’ hats on this thing. What the fuck is a trilby?”

“Also, they already all have hats,” Lynette added while pulling up www.steamhats.com on a library computer.

Ted “Theodore Horace Huckleberry” Subitto, one of two organ players in The Death Gaskets, felt the rider was appropriate.

“Life on the road is hard,” Subitto said, paging through a well-worn copy of “The Difference Engine.” “It’s exhausting and lonely, the miles between shows we booked seeming like leagues. All so we can bring the gift of steampunk rock to the unwashed masses, all those Morlocks out there. So yeah, we enjoy some fringe benefits. If you know what I mean. And what I mean is hats. Lots and lots of hats.”

Retired band manager Alan Phillips was more confused about the state of rock music.

“Back in my day, tour riders were for piles and piles of loose cocaine,” Phillips said. “Like, just so much cocaine everywhere. And sometimes there would be like a sandwich platter or something, because cocaine settles better when you have something in your belly. Those were the days. But these guys also look like they’re from way, way before my days, so who knows. Rock ‘n roll, you know?”

As of press time, The Death Gaskets were refusing to perform until they received mustache waxings from a barber named Gustav.