The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

We Asked Gwen Stefani How She Looks So Good at 52 and She Showed Us a Cursed Amulet She Uses To Suck the Life Force Out of Other 90s Ska Musicians

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Michael Luis

Celebs are under constant pressure to look good and, in doing so, postpone the aging process. Few stars have defied Father Time quite like the 52-year-old Gwen Stefani. What keeps the No Doubt songstress and The Voice host looking great? We asked to find out!

The Hard Times: We have to know. What keeps you looking so young and fit?
Gwen Stefani: It’s simple, really! Just yoga, no red meat, and a cursed amulet that drains the lifeblood from your rivals.

Wait, what was that last part?
The Cursed Amulet of Mozskavoch?

Yeah… Where the hell did you get that thing?
This guy in a robe came up to me after a show in 1996. He was going on about a “sacred prophecy” and how there could only be “one true ska celebrity to emerge from the 90s.” I thought it was pretty weird, especially considering he left by turning into a white raven and flying away. But I love the fans, so I kept it. At first, it was a symbol of the bond I share with the world through my music, but soon it became so much more.

Okay, but how does it work? Where did it come from?
An archaeologist told me it’s an Aztec heirloom worn by Mozskavoch, a legendary trumpet/synth player. As he got more popular and handsome, his rival novelty musicians withered away. He went missing after a performance and neither he nor the amulet were seen again. Until I ended up with it, I suppose!

And you’re cool with that? Rapidly aging your fellow musicians for your own appearance? Is it all 90s ska musicians?
I mean, have you seen a woman with abs like this after three kids? I don’t have a single wrinkle. Sure, Aaron from Reel Big Fish has to dye his sideburns, Dicky from the Bosstones has gone up a few plaid suit sizes, and Roger from Less Than Jake’s dreads are clearly clip-ons, but not all of them look bad! I saw a recent photo of Sublime and Brad looks great! Young and really tan!

Gwen, that’s a different guy named Rome.
I think I would recognize my friend.

You know what? Never mind. And perhaps you’re right. Not every 90s ska musician looks bad. I, in fact, used to play in a 90s ska band and I think I look pretty good for my age.
Is that so?

Wait, is the amulet glowing? Your hair. It looks so lush. Your skin. It shimmers. Did you just grow taller? Am I getting shorter? Gwen, I think my teeth are falling out. Stop what you’re doing, Gwen. Noooooooooo!

Crowd Surfing Hardcore Kid Sets Sights On Last Remaining Ceiling Tile

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

WELLAND, Ontario — Local hardcore kid Jordan Trimble announced his intentions to destroy the only intact ceiling tile remaining in the Lion’s Club seconds before stage diving, confirmed multiple sources cheering him on.

“That motherfucking piece of asbestos riddled shit is mine,” grumbled Trimble, as he slowly guided himself atop the heads and hands of the crowd. “I can’t explain why, but its very existence offends me. I just keep hearing its taunts… ‘Couldn’t kill us all last time, could ya?’ Like my dad asking about that other 2% when I brought home a 98% on my biology test. Your shattered remains won’t look so smug from the fucking floor!”

The crowd of literal and figurative supporters cites this common goal as a great way to galvanize the scene.

“This is what they mean when bands scream about family! Working together to destroy property in every venue that allows us to throw hardcore shows is what unites us as a scene. I remember when we all banded together to rip a wall down at the Teen Center and got shows shut down there forever, that was a magical day. We should all be ashamed of ourselves if that ceiling tile is still there when A Day and a Deathwish finishes their set,” exclaimed emotional scene elder Corey Bernard. “I’m glad this kid is like a hundred pounds soaking wet because landscaping by day and aiming kids at tiles for the entire stage-to-tile stroll by night has really taken its toll on my back.”

Venue owner Lou D’Agostino desperately tried to mitigate the damage, especially to the last tile.

“Aw not again! I need that to show my ceiling tile guy so we can make sure we get the right replacements,” said D’Agostino as he tried to push his way into the crowd. “It seems like they are deliberately trying to keep me away. I tried turning the lights on and off to signal the band needed to stop playing, but that only agitated everyone more. They already broke half our damn tables, I don’t know why the ceiling has to suffer the same fate.”

At press time, the crowd cheered as Trimble’s fist penetrated the tile while D’Agostino contemplated if a drywall ceiling would deter the destruction or become their next group project.

Change Machine That Only Accepts $20’s Brings Person Closest They’ll Ever Get to Realizing Scrooge McDuck Fantasy

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Krissy Howard

JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. — Local clothes launderer Dee Chanthavong nearly realized his lifelong fantasy of diving headfirst into a pile of shiny coins after being forced to insert a $20 bill into a change machine.

“I go to La Princessa because it’s close to my house and they’re open until 10 p.m., even though almost everything is broken every time I go in there,” she said, referring to a change machine that wouldn’t accept anything smaller than the largest bill in her wallet. “It wasn’t actually enough quarters to dive into and swim around in, or even try to pull off some ‘Indecent Proposal’ type deal where I roll around in them naked, but I did get to run my fingers through the bag and picked up a few fistfuls, which made me feel kind of powerful but mostly like I needed to wash my hands.”

While Chanthavong found the bright side to being endowed with surplus change, others were not so happy.

“I just needed a few dollars worth of quarters to dry my comforter and ended up spending $2.50 at an ATM to break a $20,” said disgruntled shop patron Maggie D’Angelo. “Now I’m stuck carrying 80 pounds of quarters back home with me on the fucking bus. I hate this shithole laundromat, as soon as I get a car I’m gonna drive to my parent’s house and do all my laundry there like a real adult.”

La Princessa owner Adam Biggs insists that the faulty change machine is not entirely bad.

“If it’s not something about the doors getting stuck shut, it’s the giant pools of water leaking out of the machines — people just like to complain,” Biggs stated. “I don’t know what’s so bad about having a lifetime’s worth of quarters on you anyhow. You’ll never have to worry about parking meters, and if payphones ever make their comeback, which they will, you’re ready. Plus, if you lunge with that weight in your pocket you’ll do a pretty good number on the hamstrings, and I’m speaking to that from experience.”

At press time, Chanthavong was seen re-entering the laundromat with two more $20’s, wearing a red robe, bifocals, and a shiny top hat.

Son Endures Dad’s Retelling of “Once-I-Won-Aerosmith-Tickets-On-the-Radio” Story

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Joanna McNaney Stein

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local son Austin Miller was held hostage for nearly 20 minutes this evening amid his father’s annual retelling of the time he won free Aerosmith tickets by calling a local radio station hotline.

“I was wearing this old Aerosmith shirt of my dad’s when I ran into the old man blowing leaves off the driveway. He thinks it’s a huge deal that he won two tickets to see them thirty years ago. He loves saying he was ‘lucky caller number 69,’ and he got the shirt at the concert, but I can’t take it anymore,” admitted the younger Miller. “I’ve tried to interrupt him and let him know I’ve heard this story before, but he just says ‘yeah’ then he starts from the beginning all over again.”

Miller’s father believes his teenage son is missing a valuable lesson about patience and persistence.

“It was 1990. I waited all week for that Aerosmith giveaway! This was before people even had cell phones, okay? I called 96.7 ‘The Rock’ like a dozen times from a landline, and — get this — I was lucky caller number sixty-nine! Do you know how improbable that is? I know a thing or two about sticking with something,” stated Saul Miller. “What does this kid know? He worked a total of one shift at McDonald’s, stole a milkshake and a Quarter Pounder, and left. Bravo, son! At least I got to see ‘Love in an Elevator’ live. ‘Livin’ it up when you’re going dooooown!’ He doesn’t even tuck the shirt in.”

Retired radio announcer “Wolf Dawg” Delaney was able to locate a recording of the live broadcast featuring Mr. Miller from a box of old floppy disks.

“I can verify that yes, an Aerosmith show did, in fact, happen in January of 1990 during their ‘Pump’ tour,” confirmed DJ Wolf Dawg. “This Miller guy who won tickets was caller 69, which was the lucky number we picked for every giveaway. But, why does it even matter anymore? Is he dead or something?”

At press time, Mr. Miller was seen by neighbors peeling out of his driveway in a Ford Taurus blasting “Sweet Emotion.”

The Next Kid Rock? This Animatronic Weasel Is Uncomfortable With Gay People

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Dan Rice

We all know who Kid Rock is and what he represents, but who will embody the worst side of our older brothers and uncles in the future? This has long been one of those questions that don’t have any answers, until now!

With his trash mouth and antiquated worldview, Wille T. Weasel, the banjo player of the animatronic house band at Terry’s Taxibilly Tavern is poised to take the mantle of the legendary outlaw cowboy! Let’s see how he stacks up to the original:

The Look:
This weasel looks like so much absolute hell that if you put him next to the real Kid Rock you would be hard-pressed to tell them apart! Years of lice damage have whittled his coat down to a patchy wisp and the frame beneath is gaunt and decrepit, not unlike a certain Mr. American Badass himself! Add to that the fact that our robo-rodent friend sports a tiny fedora and sunglasses mounted with hot glue and the two men practically look separated at birth.

The Ability:
According to his spec sheet, Wille T. Weasel runs on a first-gen Raspberry Pi preloaded with Lynyrd Skynyrd’s greatest hits. Experts in the field agree that this is more than enough hardware, data and processing power to generate music and lyrics on par with the infamous Detroit Cowboy.

The Insecurity:
Okay, he’s got the look, he more than has the talent, but does Kid Rock would-be Willie Weasel have the trademark sensibilities to truly represent the Devil Without a Cause brand? As it turns out, Willie is on the exact right wrong side of history to be the next Kid!

Over 70% of comment cards left at Terry’s Taxibilly Tavern last year alone were complaints about Willie. According to them, Willie displays an “inability to just let it go whenever two persons of the same sex express the slightest amount of intimacy in his presence.” Willie’s go-to move is to call attention to same-sex couples and say “well, it’s a free country I guess” before giving a long, slow, poorly choreographed eye roll. On more than one occasion Willie was written up for yelling at the waitstaff, and was once overheard telling them “you have to warn me when you seat those kinds of people near me, they freak me out.” If that wasn’t enough, Willie is wanted for questioning in connection with the capitol riots.

Keep your eyes open for a purple vape cloud to emerge from the smokestacks of Detroit’s abandoned tire factories because we might just have a new Kid Rock!

Good luck on your journey to Rockhood Wille, and from all of us at The Hard Times a hearty (Radio Edit)!

Struggling Punk Band Tired of Living Drink Ticket to Drink Ticket

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Bobby Korec

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Struggling punk band Sucks To Be You revealed that they were at wits’ end after years of living drink ticket to drink ticket, sources who recommended they just learn how to code instead confirmed.

“Seems like every time we are compensated for a hard half-hour of work it’s spent immediately on our basic booze drinking needs,” said the band’s singer Jeremy Langston before asking the venue bartender if he could “get you next time” for the beers. “It’s like we aren’t able to set aside any drink tickets to build for our future alcohol intake. It would be nice to one day save up for something real big like a house cocktail. Unfortunately, it feels like we can never get ahead in this bullshit live music capitalist system. That’s why I’m for a more socialist-based alcohol distribution system. After all, it’s a right, not a privilege to get hammered.”

Many older members of the scene offered unsolicited advice for the band.

“Maybe they shouldn’t blow their tickets on pointless things, like the venue’s expensive avocado toast,” said booker Corey Daveland. “There’s been speculation that venue leaders might raise the minimum ticket stipend for each show, which would be an absolute disaster for the local economy. For one, that would reduce incentive and more importantly force me to raise cover prices at the door out of spite. If these bands want to succeed they should pick themselves up by their bootstraps and struggle for years and years. Thank God I never had to do that bullshit since I was born into drink ticket wealth because my dad owned 16 bars around the city. I’ve never had to worry about where my next beer is coming from.”

Financial experts were more sympathetic to the band and believe that opportunities for younger bands trying to get sloshed are harder to come by.

“There is a widening gap between bands rich in drink tickets and those less fortunate,” said music historian Kameron Dornfield. “Big tech is driving up alcohol prices at the local bar level, and drink tickets simply don’t stretch as far as they used to. Someone really ought to do something about drink ticket inequality before bands are forced to work two gigs a week just to make ends meet.”

At press time, the band announced that they set up a GoFundMe page to help cover the costs of a recent bar tab which included an emergency flight of beer to get their drummer trashed.

Review: Oasis “Definitely, Maybe”

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the 1994 album that everyone mistakes for the one with “Wonderwall” on it, “Definitely, Maybe,” from “Wonderwall” superstars, Oasis.

With fall now officially here and the cozy, reassuring feeling that comes with the inevitable death and decaying of everything around us, I’ve been feeling nostalgic for something familiar. As all of my exes have me blocked, and my hometown is off limits as I will probably run into my ex-step-dad Rick and just can’t afford to pay him back right now, revisiting old people and places is just not possible.

So what better way to feel weirdly sad about life than to listen to an old song, and what better song encapsulates “my best days are behind me and my jawline is never coming back” than “Wonderwall”?

Oasis’ “Definitely, Maybe” is an album that really makes you work for it, as you have to listen to it several times and still won’t find this song on there. Starting off with “Rock n’ Roll Star,” you’ll probably think, “OK, it’s not unusual for a band to have some random song that isn’t the one you know as the first track.” I mean, something has to go first. But then you get three songs in, and it’s still not “Wonderwall,” which is gonna make you want to skip ahead, but you won’t because you know that waiting just makes the moment that much sweeter (and I’m pretty sure is the idea behind why my ex from the summer of 2003 still hasn’t returned my emails or bounced-back AIM message requests. What a delicious little game we play, huh AstroCreep6669?)

By the time you get to “Supersonic,” which you’ll mistake as something exciting since you think you remember a band with the same name being big around the same time as “Wonderwall,” you may be tempted to give up, but give up you will not! Mostly because you think those Gallagher boys may have pulled the old “Knights of Cydonia-we’re-gonna-make-the-song-you-came-here-for-be-the-last-track-on-the-album” move, which is equal parts classic and very frustrating, and, on an unrelated note, is how my sexual moves have been described on more than one occasion.

However, the last song on the album is definitely not “Wonderwall” either, and I’m starting to think that maybe that song got my weak mind in some sort of Mandela effect trickery and doesn’t exist at all. I have been doing a lot of whip-it’s since the 90s, so really anything is possible.

SCORE: One out of Five stars, not because “Wonderwall” is nowhere to be found on it, but because the chord progressions throughout just feel a little immature.

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Roommates Spell Out “B-A-T-H” So as Not to Scare Punk

Posted on October 31, 2021 by John Danek

MANHATTAN, Kan. — The roommates of lifelong punk Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens have learned to whisper and spell out the word “bath” when discussing their malodorous roommate’s hygiene habits, the tenants reported.

“Sloshed always smells like shit, and we learned over time that just coming out and saying the word ‘bath’ results in mayhem,” confessed longtime roommate Yolanda Harris, who frequently shoves dryer sheets into nooks and crannies of Stevens’ room and clothing. “He’ll start panting and running around in circles incoherently yelling about ‘the man’ and ‘natural bodily oils’ and ‘Dr. Bronner was a facist’. I think it’s time to address getting him ‘n-e-u-t-e-r-e-d’ so this cycle can’t continue.”

Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens claims that he abstains from typical hygiene practices for “philosophical” reasons.

“If people won’t accept me for who I am and how I choose to treat my body, fuck them. They don’t deserve me,” said Stevens, who is frequently seen in public with a trickle of blood coming from one or both ears. “I’m not going to change the way I live my life just to fit into someone’s narrow, palatable worldview. And for the record, I’m not scared of the word ‘b-h-t-h’ because I always get cookies after and sometimes people even let me ride in their car.”

Dermatologists agree that patients who adhere to a punk lifestyle tend to be the most difficult to treat.

“Punks have skin that defies modern medical explanation, and I shudder every time one of those disgusting freaks walks in,” said Dr. Emma Federov, of the American Board of Dermatology. “It’s as if the smell of Pall Malls and malt liquor gets baked into the skin, like some sort of anti-social brine. Loved ones have to be careful not to scare punks away from bathing entirely, but they should take precautions to not get hurt in the process.”

Stevens’ roommates continue to devise clever methods to improve the living situation, including gifting him a leather studded flea collar which he happily wears obliviously.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Elderly Woman On Deathbed Finally Lets Husband Untie Mysterious Green Ribbon Around Her Neck, Revealing Sublime Tattoo

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Eli Johnson

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Jenny Fitzsimmons allowed her husband Alfred to remove the enigmatic green ribbon she’s worn around her neck since the first day they met, unveiling a tattoo referencing the reggae-rock and ska band, Sublime, sources close to the couple confirmed.

“Alfred has been patient with me for nearly 60 years,” Fitzsimmons explained. “Not even on our wedding night did I reveal to him the secret that the ribbon kept. I’m sorry to have kept him in the dark these many years, but after he untied it, he immediately understood why I could not tell him before, and even helped me tie it back on before anyone else had a chance to see. He said it was either that or a closed casket when the time comes.”

An unfolding of the mysterious ribbon in question revealed the face of the tattooed sun from the popular Southern California musical group’s 1992 debut album, “40oz. to Freedom.”

“I was horrified,” Alfred Fitzsimmons said. “She was always cagey about her past, but I never took my beautiful wife to be such a diehard fan. I suppose there were always signs. Every February 22 she would smoke two joints, which I realize now is Bradley Nowell’s birthday. When she went through her dreadlocks phase, I didn’t protest and stood by her side. I remember she used to hum this beautiful melody to our children as a lullaby, which I’m realizing now was just the chorus to ‘Santeria.’”

Some have dismissed the ghastly story as nothing more than rumors and hearsay.

“This is actually a popular urban legend, with variations dating back as early as the mid-18th century,” said Professor of Folklore at Christopher Newport University, Daniel Gleason. “There’s the story of the red anklet that hides a Misfits tattoo, the key that unlocks an attic full of KISS merchandise, the Flying Dutchman Jimmy Buffet cruise ship — all just tall tales concocted to frighten people. Why, one might suspect the turtlenecks I wear every day are also hiding a dark secret, say, a Phish neck tattoo, which is of course ridiculous, and a detail that only my one true love will know, someday.”

Reportedly, as her dying wish, Jenny asked her husband to disperse her ashes into a dog food bowl labeled “Lou Dog.”

Opinion: Forcing Me To Wear a Mask To Receive Candy Is Communism

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Dan Rice

There is a specter haunting Halloween — the specter of communism.

My name is Toby Masterson. I am 12 years old. You don’t know me, but come October 31st you just may find me knocking on your door to receive candy. Candy that I am legally entitled to, regardless of whether or not I am wearing a mask on my face.

The liberal media would have you believe that Halloween is a day where the walls between the living and the dead are weakest and that we must wear scary masks to spook away evil spirits so they don’t haunt us. Well, I have done my own research, and I consider this to be a provably untrue scare-tactic concocted by the deep state. They just want to break our spirit by proving they can get us to dress up in silly outfits whenever they want.

As a fixed-income child, Halloween candy allows me to supplement my candy consumption for the entire year. I depend on that candy, and the government has no right to tell me what I need to wear on my face in order to earn it.

It’s no surprise that that commie bastard “Sleepy” Joe Biden — a rank and file member of the liberal elite who has never had to earn a piece of candy in his entire life — doesn’t know that trick or treating can take a tremendous toll on the cardiovascular system. You’re walking the whole time with an ever growing bag of candy weighing you down. After a while, it gets pretty hard to breathe under my Jason mask, and I like to take it off, an act that is apparently considered by Marxist swine to be “not in the Halloween spirit.”

FACT: Satanic possession claims more children every year than Halloween specters.

FACT: There is no scientific evidence that wearing a spooky mask prevents someone from contracting a ghost or spreading said ghost to others.

FACT: Young, healthy people with normally functioning souls are perfectly capable of fending off a spiritual possession and may not even display symptoms of possession.

I understand perfectly well that by not wearing a spooky mask I am at risk of becoming infected by an unholy spirit or entity. What you need to understand is that it is my choice to take that risk. This is a democracy, and you have no right to enforce your “safety standards” on me.

Also, would it kill you to spring for full-size Reese’s cups? “Fun size?” Sounds like another word for socialism to me.

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the 1994 album that everyone mistakes for the one with “Wonderwall” on it, “Definitely, Maybe,” from “Wonderwall” superstars, Oasis.

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