OLYMPIA, Wash. — Struggling punk band Sucks To Be You revealed that they were at wits’ end after years of living drink ticket to drink ticket, sources who recommended they just learn how to code instead confirmed.
“Seems like every time we are compensated for a hard half-hour of work it’s spent immediately on our basic booze drinking needs,” said the band’s singer Jeremy Langston before asking the venue bartender if he could “get you next time” for the beers. “It’s like we aren’t able to set aside any drink tickets to build for our future alcohol intake. It would be nice to one day save up for something real big like a house cocktail. Unfortunately, it feels like we can never get ahead in this bullshit live music capitalist system. That’s why I’m for a more socialist-based alcohol distribution system. After all, it’s a right, not a privilege to get hammered.”
Many older members of the scene offered unsolicited advice for the band.
“Maybe they shouldn’t blow their tickets on pointless things, like the venue’s expensive avocado toast,” said booker Corey Daveland. “There’s been speculation that venue leaders might raise the minimum ticket stipend for each show, which would be an absolute disaster for the local economy. For one, that would reduce incentive and more importantly force me to raise cover prices at the door out of spite. If these bands want to succeed they should pick themselves up by their bootstraps and struggle for years and years. Thank God I never had to do that bullshit since I was born into drink ticket wealth because my dad owned 16 bars around the city. I’ve never had to worry about where my next beer is coming from.”
Financial experts were more sympathetic to the band and believe that opportunities for younger bands trying to get sloshed are harder to come by.
“There is a widening gap between bands rich in drink tickets and those less fortunate,” said music historian Kameron Dornfield. “Big tech is driving up alcohol prices at the local bar level, and drink tickets simply don’t stretch as far as they used to. Someone really ought to do something about drink ticket inequality before bands are forced to work two gigs a week just to make ends meet.”
At press time, the band announced that they set up a GoFundMe page to help cover the costs of a recent bar tab which included an emergency flight of beer to get their drummer trashed.