Studios Trying to Fend Off IATSE Strike Offer Interns 50% Raise in Valuable Experience

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — The International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees are preparing to strike to combat wildly unfair and unsafe working conditions which prompted film studios to raise the amount of valuable experience offered to interns and low-level workers by as much as fifty percent.

“This strike threat has really opened our eyes to the hardships our workers endure and made us take a hard look at the human side of movie making,” said Carol Lombardini, president of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers. “Any executive in Hollywood knows that money isn’t everything, so in lieu of pay raises and more reasonable work hours we are prepared to increase the amount of experience our valuable PAs receive. This will give even the lowest level workers the ability to make up to 120 experience a week. I wish I had this same sort of opportunity when I was climbing the ladder, you simply can’t put a price tag on the privilege of working in this wonderful industry.”

IATSE representatives across the country admit to being insulted by the offer.

“My rent is $1,500 a month and last I checked my landlord still doesn’t accept ‘experience’ as a payment. She wants cash or a check, and even though I’m working 90 hours a week I’m still barely able to afford to live in this town,” said veteran grip Chris Stand. “A fifty percent raise in imaginary value isn’t going to help me. My kids are almost through high school, and I barely have enough industry exposure saved to pay for their first year of college.”

The AMPTP has yet to make any official offer to address union concerns, which also include extremely long hours, but sources say the AMPTP is considering solutions internally.

“Some are trying to unfairly paint us producers as elitist or out-of-touch, but we make every effort to consider the needs of the common worker,” said Cecily Van Grieff, an AMPTP executive, speaking through her full-sensory VR headset from her platinum yacht floating in a secret sixth ocean. “And while we understand that long hours may be taxing, we need workers to do their part to be rested and present, like using their private helicopters to cut down on commute time or their anti-gravity sleep chambers to optimize sleep.”

If a deal is not struck, the strike will commence on Monday, assuming tired IATSE members still have the use of all their muscles to hold up picket signs.

Jason Voorhees Bullied Out Of Florida Summer Camp For Wearing Mask

Posted on by Kevin Tit

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, Fla. — Cultural Icon and noted serial killer Jason Voorhees was reportedly bullied out of infamous Florida summer camp Camp Crystal Lake for wearing a mask, multiple unvaccinated campers confirmed.

“So, there I was unhooking the bra of the new smoking hot counselor when I noticed some seven-foot tall liberal hipster cuck in a mask standing behind some trees about six feet away,” said camp director Donnie Sengstack. “I was like ‘What’s up, bro? Quit hiding and take off your damn mask, pussy. We’re in the fucking woods,’ and he started crying and backing away. That’s when I really started trying to get in his face about how the pandemic is a false flag, he’s being manipulated by the government, and that vaccine mandates are the definition of fascism. Before I knew it he had vanished.”

Those closest to Voorhees say the murderer was extremely distressed by the entire encounter.

“Those people are the real monsters. Just filthy inconsiderate animals and fornicators unfit to live in civil society,” said the psychotic killer’s mother, Pamela Voorhees. “I’ve never seen Jason so visibly upset before. My boy actually put the mask on because of bullying in the first place. Now people are telling him to take it off? He has a pre-existing condition that leaves him extremely vulnerable to the virus. How is he supposed to go out there and kill safely if all his victims are just going to ignore CDC guidelines? I’m not going to let my son go out there and get sick.”

Following Voorhees’ premature departure, numerous staff and campers were reported to have lost their lives at the camp.

“I’ve been doing this job a long time and honestly, I’m surprised this camp is still operating,” said local coroner, Deonte Smith. “People have been dying here for well over thirty years now but this is the first time there wasn’t an absolute bloodbath of dismembered bodies scattered all over the grounds. Looks like everybody here died of complications related to the pandemic. Which, in all honesty, is much easier to deal with in my profession. Way less of a mess than dealing with an entire digestive system hanging out somebody’s torso, but also way more preventable. Get the vaccine and you are far less likely to be hospitalized, I’m not sure who or what was butchering the campers in years prior.”

At press time, Voorhees was seen volunteering his time encouraging his community to get vaccinated.

Annual Migration Patterns Sees Acoustic Musicians Returning to Cabins to Finish Albums

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SALEM, Ore. — Droves of musicians unable to finish career-defining albums due to the distractions of modern life have begun their annual migration north to seek inspiration in remote cabins, multiple musician gazing groups confirmed.

“It’s the cornerstone of my writing process,” said Benjamin Lawrence, a Charleston-based folk artist. “Life can be so hectic. You try to sit down and write your magnum opus, but your phone is buzzing, your PlayStation 5 is humming, and the faded Polaroid of a woman you once loved so many summers ago sits on your desk, haunting you. I just need to disappear from my life and find solace. I throw all of my snuggly flannels and jackets in a duffle, tell my roommates I won’t be able to pay rent for three months, and head towards my late grandfather’s log cabin home. I do it every year. At this point I don’t even use Google Maps, I’m just drawn to it.”

Blaine Pascoe Walcot, a local middle-school teacher, was out for a walk along River Road when he spotted a flock of rare Barn Daniels that just happened to be migrating through the area.

“I’ve heard about it for years but never seen it myself, until now. I was out on a stroll when suddenly an entire swarm of Subarus, packed to the brim with guitar cases and Moleskin notebooks, fluttered by me in a rush,” said Walcot as he wrapped his long toes over the front of his Birkenstocks. “It was wild. It was as if I was seeing double or triple. These soft-handed lumberjacks were everywhere.”

Lachlan Tory Applebot, biologist and author of ‘Field Guide to Singer/Songwriters of North America’, has been studying these patterns for years.

“Ah yes, the Northwestern Bearded Samuel, the Southeastern Flannelated Nathaniel, they tend to prefer their full scientific name, these are all subsets of this folksy bunch. The most common reason for bird migration tends to be a change in a food source, but for this group, it is often due to inspiration sources,” said Applebot. “A successful fall writing season is crucial for a good winter release and a solid summer touring schedule.”

This current migration closely follows the Goth migration season, who trek toward nordic climates during hot weather to avoid heatstroke or outfit changes.

If I’m Such a Horrible Husband Why Have I Been Married So Many Times?

Posted on by Dom Turek

Some people are so bad at marriage, they only do it once, but that’s just not my style. Even as a little boy I knew I wanted to grow up and fulfill my role as protector and semi-faithful husband to a handful of unsuspecting women, just like my dad.

It seemed only natural to get married and raise a house full of half-blooded siblings who barely resembled one another, yet all seemed to inherit my penchant for violence. Being a good husband has always been of the utmost importance to me, and I feel very lucky that I have had so many chances to do it over the years. That being said, I can’t believe my wife just served me divorce papers.

Being faced with another failed relationship has forced me to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask myself why I keep picking such horrible stupid women to marry. If I’m such a “lying cheating piece of shit,” explain to me why seven other women said “I do” on our wedding day, despite fervent objections from their friends and families. I’ll wait.

For the thousandth time, that was not a hickey. I had a mishap with a vacuum cleaner at the car wash and it suctioned onto my neck. Do you have any idea what a 25 horsepower vacuum motor can do once it latches onto a person’s throat? I’m lucky to be alive. Oh, that’s the worst lie you’ve ever heard? You sound just like my ex-ex-ex-ex-wife.

The worst part is that she got our court date scheduled for the middle of June, the peak of wedding season. She knows damned well I’m probably going to be busy with my next marriage by then!

I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. Maybe I gamble a little too much or drink a little too often, but that’s what men do, which is why everyone I know has a perfectly healthy relationship with their father. Before you go calling me a “verbally abusive control freak” or an “impotent shell of my former self,” just remember the love we shared and all those times I almost made you come.

Metal Band Only Playing Venues With Chain Wallet Mandates

Posted on by Cory Cousins

ALTOONA, Pa. — Local metal band, Reluctant Cannibal, announced they will exclusively perform at venues that mandate the donning of chain wallets for every patron, drawing lines among the metal community.

“We realize that this is a deeply polarizing issue in today’s society, but sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right,” declared Reluctant Cannibal vocalist, James “Bloodlicker” Diaz. “Sure, we might lose some fans and performing opportunities because of this decision, but we are looking at the big picture here. One-hundred percent chain wallet compliance at shows increases metal output, and thereby enjoyment, by tenfold. This has been proven by science, look it up.”

Some in the local metal scene were not immediately swayed by the proclamation from the divisive band.

“I heard about this from one of my friends, but I just thought they were joking. It’s not a joke?” asked baffled metalhead, Sydney Larsen. “Sure, I support anyone who chooses to wear a chain wallet as an accessory to their metal show ensemble, but mandating it seems like authoritarianism at best and poser behavior at worst. Maybe they should concentrate on not sucking. Because that seems like a more pressing issue.”

Bookers at local music venues seemed caught off guard regarding the recent news from the largely unknown metal group.

“I’m pretty sure that none of the other venues in town require customers to wear chain wallets. That’s possibly the lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” mused Dial ‘M’ For Metal venue promoter, Tommy Bibbins. “I think we got Reluctant Cannibal to fill in once as the opening spot on a five-band bill, when three other bands declined. I kind of wish we would have cut our losses and went with a four-band bill. Ironically, one of the guitarists, who was sporting an unusually long chain wallet, was walking backstage and got his chain snagged in the power source of the PA system, causing a small fire and ultimately stopping the show for a full hour. They haven’t been asked back.”

Following a string of rejections from local clubs, Reluctant Cannibal has loosened their original discriminating stance to a more flexible outlook, which includes playing literally any venue that will hire them.

In Hindsight, I Regret Hiring This Pedal Pub as a Getaway Vehicle

Posted on by James Knapp

It really did seem like a good idea at the time. Admittedly I had had a few daiquiris then, so maybe my judgment was a bit blurred. But looking back now, while awaiting trial for armed robbery, I realize that a party tour pedal pub was not the wisest choice of getaway vehicle.

Don’t get me wrong, it was still a lot of fun. And had the circumstances been different I absolutely would have hired it again. But as a facilitator of a daytime bank heist it had some slight drawbacks.

For one, not a lot of storage space. I had to leave half my haul behind after those girls refused to make room behind the bar for it.

And that’s another thing. I didn’t realize that sometimes multiple groups can hire the same tour, so I ended up sharing the entire getaway with a bachelorette party from Hoboken. They were the most conspicuous thing I’ve ever seen, although I do wish Jenn and her ex-husband all the best on their vow renewal.

The biggest drawback had to be that pedal pubs are unreasonably slow-moving, which I initially thought might help me blend in after the robbery and let me just kinda Keyser Soze my way outta there. Turns out I wasn’t hiding in plain sight so much as I was being a bank robber in plain sight.

What it actually did was let the cops in pursuit follow at a leisurely pace for six blocks before they were finally able to stop laughing at me long enough to actually make the arrest. Then afterward they left me in the car while they had a drink with the bridesmaids. They really were sweet girls.

So yeah, I guess a pedal pub was a bad idea – but, you live and learn. When I try this next time, in about 3 to 5 years time, I’ll have ironed out some more details and picked a better means to make my escape.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know if a pedicab would be able to outrun a cop on horseback? Just asking.

Goth Girl Opposes Prison Abolition for Fear That the Serial Killer She Wrote Letters to Will Actually Want to Hang Out

Posted on by Robert Vetter

LOS ANGELES — Local goth Ophelia Hall recently began advocating for harsher prison sentences amid calls for justice reform, especially for the serial killer at San Quentin Prison she’s been corresponding with through love letters, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“The fact of the matter is some people should stay locked up. It should go without saying that the serial killers I may have written a few love letters to should stay in jail. Fuck, I sent these guys recent photos, they know what I look like, don’t let them out ever,” said Hall, a part-time Hot Topic cashier. “Now that this issue is gaining more traction, there is a very real possibility that he will be released and try to hang out with me. Whatever happened to an eye for an eye, or in his case the many eyes of those he serial murdered.”

Her prison pen pal feels differently about the issue, though, and continues to annoy guards outside his cell with love songs and Shakespearean sonnets in anticipation of his in-person courtship.

“My love for the beloved Ophelia has given me something to look forward to every day I’m in here. Her kind words make me want to be a better man, and the loose strands of hair that fall into the envelopes her letters come in make me feel like my blood is on fire. I’ve almost collected enough to stuff my pillow,” said Jonathan “The Park Ranger Ripper” Carter. “And our correspondences have helped my case for my rehabilitation. The tender exchange of our words has brought new evidence to my case that I’m a loving misunderstood soul. Now people see me as so much more than that guy who stuffed those Yosemite park rangers into bear proof trash cans. Allegedly.”

According to criminal psychologist Alma Gomez, it’s a pretty common occurrence for goths to write letters to dangerous individuals.

“There’s a cathartic appeal to writing letters to murderers. It allows people with an interest in the macabre to fantasize about it, and it’s a much healthier hobby than the other popular goth hobby of making home taxidermy with roadkill they find on the street,” said Gomez. “But it’s important that this stay in the realm of fantasy and nothing more because they can’t get into a romantic relationship with a serial killer or they will end up in 25 different trash bags dumped off the side of the highway.”

The Park Ranger Ripper is reportedly using his paid phone minutes to try to book wedding venues and rent a tuxedo.

Help! Nobody Came to My Show Tonight Even Though I Worked My Ass off on That One Promo Tweet This Morning!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Dude, what the fuck? Doors opened like an hour ago and no one’s here! Now I’m texting all my friends like, “You need to get your asses down here right now!” But they’re all like, “Sorry dude, didn’t know you even had a show!” You didn’t know?! After I spent all morning painstakingly formulating that one perfect promo tweet this morning?! Punk is dead.

As an artist, I carefully craft everything I do. Well, except for the music. That’s just gotta flow naturally. I find, the more effort I put into my music, the greater the risk that I’ll feel bad when it doesn’t immediately make me famous. But dammit I worked hard on this tweet. So where is everyone?!

Any true musician knows that it takes more than just having good songs to get people to actually come out to a show. You need an identity, something you stand for, and, of course aloof, generic tweets that make people feel invited to attend your event that you might not even bother showing up to. Well, I nailed that last thing. So why am I standing in an empty venue save for one very pissed off promoter?

Last week, this one dude brought out 200 people to this place so I called him up to ask how. First of all, the asshole laughed at my one tweet thing. He said that only works for celebrities. Um, hello! It’s me, dude. Like everyone in town knows me. Then he went off about hanging posters, handing out flyers, hounding radio and newspapers for interviews, Facebook community pages, booking bands with decent followings and giving them a bigger cut of the door, asking the bar for drink specials, and individually messaging friends and family weeks in advance. Jesus Christ, buddy. I already have a part-time job.

Fuck this promoter shit. I’ll leave that to the ugly, talentless losers who can only imagine lives behind the scenes. I was meant for the spotlight, not the grunt work! From now on I’m only gonna put effort into the parts I like about playing music. Primarily drinking in bars, which is what I’m gonna start doing now that the show is canceled.

Drummer Excited to Premiere New Soundcheck Drum Solo

Posted on by Cory Cousins

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local drummer Ethan Chambers was buzzing with excitement last night just before unveiling his new drum solo, specifically intended for soundcheck and absolutely nothing else, amused venue bartenders confirmed.

“Soundcheck is the real show, in my humble opinion. It’s where I get to showcase my creative flair, and frankly, percussive expertise. Some people just think it’s a monotonous process to test mic levels, but no. This is the time to show all seven people here what I’m made of,” Chambers noted proudly. “How many times have you been slogging your way through a band’s set, with all of the usual cliche lyrics, bland chord progressions, and uninspired guitar solos, wishing that everyone would just shut up and let the drummer shine? I know I do all the time! Unfortunately, my bandmates completely disagree with me. Some people just don’t understand great art, I suppose.”

Chambers’ bandmates were quick to register their opinions regarding the cacophonous sound check spectacle.

“The whole thing is honestly a little embarrassing,” confessed guitarist Sara Jackson. “It’s really unnecessary and over-the-top to go off during soundcheck, but we let Ethan jerk around so that he can settle down for the set, and just get on with the ‘boom tap boom boom tap’ business we hired him for. We’ve been through three drummers in the last six months, so we’re really just trying to avoid holding auditions for another drummer, which is also pretty much the worst experience ever. They always end up stealing something from our space, and they usually smell like a Subway foot long.”

Venue sound guy, Joe Foster, surprisingly left the sound booth mid-solo to go to the bar for a drink, and to presumably drown out the sounds from the stage.

“Fuck me, not again,” remarked Foster between shots of Jack Daniels. “This literally happens every time I come to work. I ask the drummer to check each drum and cymbal individually during soundcheck so I can get the balance right. Then at the end, I ask to hear the whole kit, and that’s when the inevitable pissing contest ensues. Everybody just has to be John Bonham. Why are you playing blast beats for ten minutes straight when you drum for a singer-songwriter? I give up. Please, just make it stop.”

At the conclusion of last night’s show, Chambers announced that he would be making an anthology of drum set recordings available to all sound check enthusiasts.

We Spent the Night in an Old Haunted Mansion and Now We Have Mesothelioma

Posted on by Dan Rice

Spooky season is upon us, and this year The Hard Times has decided to go all in on Halloween content! When I mentioned the lore surrounding a supposedly haunted house in my hometown during a brainstorm meeting the editors insisted that I put together a team and see if we could survive a full night inside the alleged den of horrors. Well, we did survive the night, but there were nonetheless grave consequences for our transgressions.

We all have fucking Mesothelioma now. Me, my best friends, the psychic we hired and the photographer, we’re all real sick, and we’re probably going to die. Happy Spooktober you fucking animals.

Yeah,it turns out the root of all those spooky stories about the old Creedy place was a huge asbestos problem that claimed the lives of the entire Creedy family. In hindsight that makes way more sense than the satanic possessions, ghosts and government classified cryptid/alien encounters blamed in various town legends. The house is rightfully condemned, but the town and the banks have been in legal stalemate over who should assume the cost of removal for decades, so that’s why it has all of those ominous “keep out” signs, not because the old grandfather clock becomes a portal to a hellscape dimension every night at midnight like I heard on the 6th grade bus.

Admittedly a few of the signs read “Hazardous material on premises, do not enter for your own safety,” but you can see how we just assumed that was part of the conspiracy.

The night itself was actually quite boring and uneventful. After a while we actually started trying to antagonize the evil spirits. First we yelled at them, and told them how cool our tattoos were like they do on Ghost Adventures. Then we started fucking around with an Ouija board. When that didn’t work we burned the board and pissed on the ashes. None of this seemed to evoke a spiritual response.

My buddy Stew did think he saw a shadow guy for like a second, but he later admitted he was trying to get high on cough syrup that night so that’s pretty dubious.

Well, our job was to get scared, and I can tell you we are all very scared right now so, success. We’re just scared in less off a “hey what was that spooky noise” and more of a “Jesus, I have to tell my mother” sort of way. Still, spoooooky!