Fauci Gives OK for Venues To Keep Putting Bathroom Towel Roll On Ledge Near Dispenser

Posted on by Chris Nakis

BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common practice of putting bathroom paper towel rolls on a ledge near the empty dispenser, according to recent guidance.

“These venues are understaffed, people are busy, and those big plastic bubbles are really hard to open, especially when the key was lost over a decade ago in most cases. We’re advising venues to get the hand-drying implements ‘in the vicinity.’ Because even in ideal conditions, nobody is getting out of the bathroom unscathed,” Fauci explained. “Just remember to let your hands air dry for about 30 seconds then grab the dryest looking corner of the roll that you can, and pull down with a deliberate and swift motion to ensure a clean tear and not a floor-unravel situation.”

“For extra protection make sure to grab some of those tiny square bar napkins. You’re going to want to bring a bunch. The first three will dissolve on first contact with water,” Fauci added.

Some patrons of the nearby Musk Ox Music Hall are struggling with such relaxed sanitary measures.

“I had just finished washing my hands with the watered-down remnants of a Softsoap for the full duration of singing my ABCs which isn’t easy when a powerviolence band is playing,” said Hailie Thorsen with wet handprints on the front of her shirt. “I waved my hand at a sensor, and I just had that sinking feeling, and then, nothing. I was able to find a paper towel roll perched on a busted radiator in the corner, but after I was done I felt like I needed to wash my hands again.”

Venue employees tasked with refilling paper towel dispensers say that properly replacing the towels is an unrealistic ask.

“Why don’t these babies wipe their hands with their silly masks?” said Peyton Wilkie, the de facto custodian of a DIY venue in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “I was hired because I’m the only guy who isn’t afraid to empty the carcasses out of rat traps, not to provide paper for the delicate hands of our ‘prized patrons’ who piss on every toilet paper roll we have. I hose down those bathrooms once a month, they don’t pay me enough to care about what goes on in there.”

As always, official CDC guidance still recommends gathering and urinating outdoors.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

The School of Hard Knocks Was My Backup School, I Got Into Brown

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dear fam, hustlers and wizened street-toughs,

I would like, first and foremost, to thank you all from the bottom of my naive heart for your various offers of tutelage through physical abuse and humiliation. When I think of all that I’ve learned from my brief tenure as a rube being taken advantage of by you fine thugs and criminals, I am humbled to say the least. I know I have only begun to scratch the surface of all that you have to teach me about “The Game.” Unfortunately, I have received an offer I am unable to refuse, and it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you our path together has reached a deviation.

I must confess, the school of hard knocks was my backup school, and I will be unable to attend any longer due to the fact that I have been accepted to my academy of choice, Brown University. It is an exciting yet obviously bitter-sweet time for me as I will no longer be able to pursue a career as part of a crew.

We sure had some great times together. Remember when we knocked off that convenience store, and when the cops chased us one of you tripped me so that I would get busted and the rest of you made off with all those cigarettes? That was an absolute blast. Remember how you beat the living hell out of me until you were thoroughly convinced that I didn’t give your names to the cops? It seems like only yesterday.

I want you to know that it was my internship with your organization and wide variety of crimes it made me an accessory to that gave me the confidence and self-reliance to apply to Brown, a university where students are given the freedom to choose their own academic journey. Rest assured that I will think of you anytime I am suddenly startled or catch sight of the scars I got from that bike chain fight in the mirror.

I understand that this transition comes at an inconvenient time. I did consider postponing my departure until fulfilling my prior obligation as look-out during Saturday’s planned tire store heist. Ultimately I decided that it would be unfair for me to accept such a role, as I would be potentially blocking a spot on the crew for another hungry young punk looking to step up.

I especially want you to know that my status as a non-snitch is important to me, and remains part of my worldview. Stitch-level injuries will not be needed to remind me of the importance of this basic code.

As a sign of good faith I have decided to give you some of the things I will no longer be needing, as I’m sure some young up and comer within your ranks can use them. In this box you will find a pocket knife, a studded denim vest, a vape pen battery and a t-shirt advertising something called Hatebreed.

I understand that this news comes as a shock, but before any of you react emotionally, please consider the fact that I could help you guys down the road! Maybe I’ll major in law and help you guys out of a jam. Maybe I’ll get into politics and hook you guys up with some no-show union gigs. Maybe I’ll become a writer and tell your story to the world, with some embellishments ala The Fast and The Furious.

Look, please don’t kick my ass.

Semisonic to Release Long-Awaited Follow-up “Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow”

Posted on by Brandon Morland

MINNEAPOLIS — Bar staff everywhere are rejoicing as Semisonic penned a long-awaited follow-up to their 1998 single “Closing Time” entitled “Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow,” overworked sources state.

“We wanted to make something a little more direct for all the bartenders that desperately play our song at last call in order to flush a bunch of drunken messes off their stools and out into the streets,” said lead singer Dan Wilson. “With the pandemic going on we know they’re working harder than ever and this new song can hopefully convey the sense of ‘hurry up and get the hell out of my bar’ they’re feeling every night around 2 a.m. ‘Closing Time’ had the double meaning about my daughter, but this new song threatens bodily harm in every verse and was written purely for those drunk fucks hanging around asking for just one more drink.”

Some bar-goers don’t get what the fuss is about.

“Man, that’s such a great song and they always play it at the same time,” said frequently drunk man Guy Stevens. “It always reminds me to order a few more drinks because for some reason they try to kick us out when it’s over. I mean we’re here having fun one second then the next they’re like ‘get the fuck out before we call the cops.’ But man, the bar is so much better than my shitty apartment. They have TVs, darts, and toilets that flush. I spend almost all of my unemployment check at this fucking bar, I deserve some damn respect.”

Restaurant industry executives are excited about the possibilities the song will bring.

“That last hour is the toughest for employees. It just drags on with spilled drinks, crying, and someone pissing themselves,” said National Restaurant Association spokesperson Jenny Block. “I think ‘Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow’ will represent a shift in bar service. Music can set the tone of a bar. When that tone is ‘I need your drunk asses to put your drinks down and stop asking for more’ bartenders now have this song. A metaphorical kick in the ass that will prevent staff from having to call the bouncer and giving a literal kick in the ass. Plus it’s pretty catchy. I heard it’s actually about a one-night stand he had.”

At press time, the lights were on and people were still not finishing their whiskey or beer.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

Bassist Heartbroken to Miss Son’s First “Hysteria” Riff While at Work

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Local breadwinner and career bassist Clarissa Khatri announced a leave of absence from his day job after being forced to work through his three-year-old son’s first Muse cover, discovering the footage on nugs.net this past Tuesday.

“Every bassist’s goal is to set their children up with more pedals than they had growing up,” Khatri explained. “I’ve always dreamed of being present for baby Les’ first ‘Hysteria’ by Muse ever since my own band forced me to stop playing it between songs. As a working mom, it’s hard enough to put in full-time hours while raising a family, especially after I wasted all two weeks of maternity leave on that awful Billy Sheehan Cruise. It’s a sad truth that the modern working class just can’t sustain a healthy work-life balance and still be able to fit in three hours of Fat Mike play-through videos a day.”

Squire Owens, Khatri’s stay-at-home partner was able to snag live cellphone footage and turned in a glowing review of the event.

“Oh man, I LOVED that he pulled that out for the opener. A great way to start a secret show during what was supposed to be nap time. The timing was perfect. Everybody had been told to remain quiet and I was attempting to get some work done,” said Owens. “That is the exact environment in which a bass player is supposed to come alive and live in the pocket. It was also rad to hear it during the main set and also as the encore. Maybe eventually he’ll learn past the intro riff, but not if he’s anything like his mother.”

Develop-metal biologist Jeffry Higgins, explains the strong genetic component of riffage that plays a large role in early childhood.

“Generally speaking, songs that are considered to be ‘rockin’’ or ‘real music’ by aging, and usually balding radio DJs, have a greater likelihood of being forcibly drilled into each new generation,” said Dr. Higgins. “In fact, there are a myriad of early intervention tab books parents can buy if they are worried their child isn’t progressing past at least an AC/DC level of bass playing by 24 months.”

When approached for comment, Family Fun-Time Tabletop Games and Togetherness Building upheld that company policy clearly dissuades procreation of any sort to avoid these types of productivity lapses.

Police Department Issues Public Warning About Dangerous Anarchists Distributing Free Vegan Chili in the Park

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware of dangerous anarchist activity downtown, where free vegan chili in the park is currently being distributed in the park.

“We received notification that unidentified persons were handing out hot food to anyone interested, no questions or proof of income or residence asked. These kinds of flagrant threats to the community can’t simply be waved away,” said Chief of Public Safety Vernon Coakley from a podium this morning. “When we allow people to do things such as freely distribute food in our communities, it hurts all of us. It hurts the small business owners nearby, and it creates issues for the public, leaving many to wonder what the whole thing is all about rather than ask one person one question.”

Concerned citizen Nimby Reagan, who lives in the condos near the park, was one of several people to call the police, informing them of the threat.

“They need to bring the boot down on these people,” she said. “They aren’t just criminals, they’re un-American. They have all sorts of little pamphlets about getting rid of prisons and the police, and they absolutely don’t have a permit to distribute that food. When we allow our children to grow up in a world where people can eat without paying, what kind of world are we creating? Not on my watch. The city needs to stomp this out now.”

A veteran and resident of the park who was served by the event organizers known as Matt C commented on the experience.

“Chili’s pretty good,” he said. “Wish they put meat in stuff, but can’t say no to a free meal. Tired of them fuckin’ chickpeas though, doesn’t nobody like chickpeas man. I think they’re all gay, or most of ‘em anyway, and I don’t really get all that shit, but whatever. They’re out here. They’re doing this work. I don’t really give a fuck who they are. People just need to fuckin be out helpin’ people, you know?”

The city has warned concerned citizens to inform them of any future threats of this nature and will keep the public informed with updates.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

5 Quotes From “Network” That Prove None of Your Coworkers Have Seen “Network” and They Think You’re Old and Weird

Posted on by Dan Rice

In 1976, Sidney Lumet’s “Network” set a new bar for satire in American film. It’s sharp-witted, hilarious critique of the media that has not only stood the test of time but in some ways become more relevant today than it was during its release. The script’s poison-pen musings and clever use of wordplay and alliteration make it one of the most quotable comedies of all time. Unfortunately, due to some questionable life choices, you work exclusively with a collective of uncultured 20-somethings who don’t know art from TikTok, whatever that is.

Here are 5 classic lines from an important American film that you can use to further cement your status as the “too old to be there weirdo” at your place of work!

“Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn’t come out of this tube. This tube is the gospel, the ultimate revelation; this tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers; this tube is the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, and woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people”

No matter how hard you try to explain that the internet is the new tube and the bad people are Zuckerberg people are just going to think you’re an old weird dude.

“All human beings are becoming humanoids. All over the world, not just in America. We’re just getting there faster since we’re the most advanced country.”

You would think that this timeless Howard Beale line would be the perfect response for whenever someone so much as mentions TikTok within earshot of you, but alas no. Blank stares and nervous laughter are all you receive. I guess the prophecy has been fulfilled, Mr. Beale! I guess I’m just throwing pearls before social media-addicted swine! Whatever.

“I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
A tried and true classic, and so versatile in a workplace environment! You can bust it out ironically whenever there’s a minor change in protocol, or more earnestly for true inconveniences like having to come in on the weekend! Either way, the reaction you will receive will be, at best, “Is that from something?” and more likely along the lines of “Hey dude, calm down.”

Okay, did I oversell it by screaming really loud and throwing my stapler through a window? Maybe. And did I paraphrase something more like “Fuck all of you!” Yeah, okay, at the moment I guess I did, but come on! Context!

“You need me. You need me badly. Because I’m your last contact with human reality. I love you. And that painful, decaying love is the only thing between you and the shrieking nothingness you live the rest of the day.”

Yeah word of advice, don’t go ahead and assume your boss is cultured enough to recognize this quote during a performance review. You would think it would get a laugh but instead, it just leads to a bunch of blank stares and a whole other goddamn meeting!

“Since this show is the only thing I had going for me in my life, I’ve decided to kill myself. I’m going to blow my brains out right on this program a week from today. So tune in next Tuesday. That should give the public relations people a week to promote the show.”

I am not depressed, okay?! I am AWAKE! There is a DIFFERENCE! Just because a guy is hanging in the break-room quoting classic cinema, and maybe paraphrasing a little and folding in which members of management he would love to take with him does not mean he’s a threat to himself and/or others, okay?! It’s called The Criterion Channel, check it out sometime!

Look, don’t make me bust out the Taxi Driver quotes, okay?

Aging Goth Pushes Through Daily 170-Minute Makeup Ritual

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Aging goth Ashe Montresor is barely managing to push through their daily 170-minute ritual of applying the appropriate makeup to make them look spooky to the average citizen, confirmed sources who wish they had showered before Montresor went into the bathroom.

“When I was sixteen, this was a snap,” Montresor said while gesturing at a bathroom counter full of various grease-paints and eyeliners. “Not only was it part of my identity as a goth, it was something I loved to do. The layers of primer, the color corrections, the smoky eyes that differentiate me as a creature of darkness, far from the shallow daylight world, it all felt sensual and mysterious. Now, it’s just a fucking drag. I’m 38, staying up all night in noisy clubs is a nightmare, and spending nearly three hours a day with this shit doesn’t really seem worth it. My pores are clogged to shit. But I’m a goth elder now, and all the baby goths look up to me as a role model. I can’t let them down.”

Montresor’s sister, Janey Taddsmith, has witnessed their journey firsthand.

“I remember when Ashe first started with all the makeup and ravens and stuff,” Taddsmith said. “I have to admit, it was really pristine, just perfectly done. I mean, it was irritating that they were always stealing my mascara instead of just going to CVS. But they took the time to get the little ankh by their eyes just right. Now, they’re just smearing some Maybelline over those crow’s feet and calling it good. Don’t even get me started on what’s going on with that nasolabial fold. Yikes.”

Local makeup artist Alan Narvaez is familiar with this kind of burnout.

“People don’t realize what they’re setting themselves up for when they become a goth,” Narvaez explained, grimacing at several photos of Montresor’s recent handiwork. “Teens just want to seem cool and mysterious and maybe makeout in a graveyard, then boom, it’s $400 a week at Sephora and weekly herbal steams over the sink. It’s practically unethical to let kids get involved in that kind of thing without someone to offer options. It’s like letting a high school senior join the army, except with better music.”

As of press time, an exhausted, sweaty Montresor was sorting through their collection of heavy leather trenchcoats in 95 degree heat.

Biden Nods Off During Apology for Nodding Off During Climate Summit

Posted on by Emma Jonas

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden dozed off “for a good thirty or forty seconds” at a lectern while delivering an apology for his recent sleeping spell at a United Nations climate summit, according to sources.

“Again, I want to express my deepest apologies. I take climate change as seriously as the next guy,” the President yawned, blinking himself awake while being nudged by two aides on either side of him. “It’s just that when we talk about global warming I can’t help but think of nice, warm things, like syrupy pancakes or my grammy’s quilt. And then my eyes get heavy…and it’s like I’m submerged in a big old bowl of warm milk toast…and I just sort of start to drift.”

Additional White House staff were then seen approaching the lectern with a spray bottle full of liquid, as is customary during long speeches delivered by the President.

“He gave the President a couple of squirts on his face, which seemed to sort of perk him up for a few minutes,” recalled reporter present for the address, David Adams. “I saw someone coming up around the podium with smelling salts but he was sort of shuffled away before they got a chance to reach him.”

White House spokesperson Jen Psaki affirmed that the incident apologing for a previous incident was due to jet lag, among other things.

“Being the head of the executive office is a very taxing role,” Psaki said. “Behind the scenes we know that President Biden is exhausted not because of laziness or poor health, but because of his constant commitment to trying to make up for being so very elderly. It takes more energy to pull oneself out of a recliner than people might think, especially after a big meal or right around that time of the afternoon when the body just wants to catch a few winks.”

At press time, Biden was apparently struggling to keep his eyes open at a brainstorming session for new, awake-sounding nicknames to push in the media.

Help! I Sued a Small Business After I Slipped in Their Bathroom and Now I Own a Soup Restaurant and Have No Idea How To Run It

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

You know how people joke about defeating a small business in a lawsuit when something goes wrong so badly that they’ll end up owning it? Yeah, I actually did that, and now I’ve got this fucking soup restaurant I have no idea what to do with.

It started innocently enough, I slipped on some potato bisque someone spilled next to the urinal and busted my tailbone. Since I just lost my job at the CBD shop, I sued and next thing I know, I own a place called Soup 2 Nutz.

First I thought it was great, that I’d just munch on soup all week long, but then these assholes that work there started asking for their paychecks. I told one guy to take it outta the register, but then the manager Rick said there’s a payroll company I gotta call. Fuck me.

Turns out there are a million people to call. There’s a company that changes out our aprons and floor mats every week. There’s a company that switches out our knives twice a month. We use 8 different food vendors for fucks sake! You would think one of these assholes would just put two and two together and carry everything you need to make every type of fucking soup but no! I get my leeks from one asshole, my herbs and marrow oil from another asshole and then there’s six more assholes! And they all want money!

Oh yeah, then the cook quit and no one was there to fill in, so Rick called me at like 10am. So I hauled my ass down there to start making soup, which is apparently a lot more complex than the Dinty Moore I’ve been eating since high school. You gotta chop up herbs and chicken and shit, then cook it for-fucking-ever. Then not every asshole that comes in wants chicken soup, they want chowder, gazpacho and other shit. Goddamn.

The one cool part has been coming up with new soups, though. The clientele at Soup 2 Nutz will try any of this shit once, especially if I say it’s artisanal. The other day I mixed M&Ms with a beef stock and some sliced celery we had lying around and called it “The Ranch Hand.” These hipster fucks ate the shit out of it, and I know it tasted like ass since there was still some soap left in the pot.

Anyway, I’ve gotta go buy some tomatoes and a new ladle. Or figure out how to burn this place down for the insurance money.

Punk Gives Dog with Bandana Power of Attorney

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — Local punk Jonathan “Johnny Balls” Denick has given full legal power of attorney to a dog with a bandana named Roscoe, according to sources on the scene.

“I’ve realized I’m at the point in my life where I really need to get organized,” Denick said while working through a rack of Pabst Blue Ribbon at a friend’s barbecue. “I live dangerously. That’s just the Johnny Balls way. If I’m incapacitated because I fall through the screen door at my mom’s house again, I need someone to manage my affairs. That’s why that sick-ass dog with the bandana over there has my power of attorney. His hair is always clean and he has all his tags. That’s the kind of responsible animal who I can trust to make tough decisions when it’s time.”

Justin Marsh, a longtime friend of Denick’s also attending the barbecue, had mixed feelings about the legal appointment.

“Yeah, Balls has been burning it at both ends recently,” Marsh said while moving further from his friend. “I mean that like, literally. Earlier, I saw him smoke half a cigarette, turn it around and light the filter. Like, he stuck a burning coal on his tongue. So, while I think it’s a self-evidently bad idea to give all legal authority and responsibility to this dog, who belongs to a guy who hates Johnny Balls for the time he kicked in a brand-new Orange amp for no reason, it’s still a better idea than letting this guy make his own decisions in an emergency.”

Chester Stretsky, a local lawyer specializing in estate planning, said that the situation was by no means unusual.

“It’s actually not that odd for punks with an increasing sense of mortality to give power of attorney to someone close to them,” Stretsky explained. “Before he tragically and unexpectedly passed away, GG Allin himself gave durable power of attorney to a Nazi flag. It made…questionable, but still legally protected decisions.”

As of press time, Denick was being attacked by his legal representative over a hot dog that had fallen on the ground.

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