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Punk Gives Dog with Bandana Power of Attorney

SEATTLE — Local punk Jonathan “Johnny Balls” Denick has given full legal power of attorney to a dog with a bandana named Roscoe, according to sources on the scene.

“I’ve realized I’m at the point in my life where I really need to get organized,” Denick said while working through a rack of Pabst Blue Ribbon at a friend’s barbecue. “I live dangerously. That’s just the Johnny Balls way. If I’m incapacitated because I fall through the screen door at my mom’s house again, I need someone to manage my affairs. That’s why that sick-ass dog with the bandana over there has my power of attorney. His hair is always clean and he has all his tags. That’s the kind of responsible animal who I can trust to make tough decisions when it’s time.”

Justin Marsh, a longtime friend of Denick’s also attending the barbecue, had mixed feelings about the legal appointment.

“Yeah, Balls has been burning it at both ends recently,” Marsh said while moving further from his friend. “I mean that like, literally. Earlier, I saw him smoke half a cigarette, turn it around and light the filter. Like, he stuck a burning coal on his tongue. So, while I think it’s a self-evidently bad idea to give all legal authority and responsibility to this dog, who belongs to a guy who hates Johnny Balls for the time he kicked in a brand-new Orange amp for no reason, it’s still a better idea than letting this guy make his own decisions in an emergency.”

Chester Stretsky, a local lawyer specializing in estate planning, said that the situation was by no means unusual.

“It’s actually not that odd for punks with an increasing sense of mortality to give power of attorney to someone close to them,” Stretsky explained. “Before he tragically and unexpectedly passed away, GG Allin himself gave durable power of attorney to a Nazi flag. It made…questionable, but still legally protected decisions.”

As of press time, Denick was being attacked by his legal representative over a hot dog that had fallen on the ground.