Man Losing Confidence in Himself Halfway Through Taco Bell Order

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — Local man James Tebuto is losing confidence in himself halfway through what he’s realizing is an overwhelming order at Taco Bell, according to witnesses on the scene.

“I don’t really go to Taco Bell that often,” Tebuto said, his hand trembling over the touchscreen of a self-service stand. “I’m really more of a Wendy’s guy. Normally, I just order a $5 Biggie Bag and call it good. But there’s just so many options here. I started with a few tacos, but I got this creeping doubt, should I have gotten Doritos Locos? Then, what about Supreme? Should I have gone with soft tacos? And now I see there’s party packs. Is that for one person or a bunch of people? Should I have stuck to the Value Menu?”

“Oh god, what’s a Gordita?” Tebuto asked, visibly breaking out in sweat.

Janey Williams, a Taco Bell employee on hand, was familiar with cases like this.

“Yeah, that guy is fucking up left and right,” Williams said while reloading a sour cream gun dispenser. “We see people do that, just get in the weeds and collapse halfway through. They get hung up on Chalupa this, black bean that, and just freeze. The sheer number of opportunities for cheesiness is just too much. Fortunately, pretty much all the food is basically the same. Hold on, these burritos need an extra layer.”

Behavioral psychologist Martha Carter sympathized with Tebuto.

“In truth, this kind of confusion stems from knowledge, conscious or not,” Carter said. “Knowing that you should absolutely not be getting Taco Bell. Like, when is it ever a good time to be eating Taco Bell? Has anyone ever gotten Taco Bell because things were going well? Any Taco Bell in the world is full of drunk people, hungover people, depressed people, people looking to play Magic, the Gathering in private, or someone who has no idea what a taco actually is. Just realize that uncertainty is your brain trying to warn you about how delicious, addictive, and dangerously sodium-filled the Deluxe Cravings Box is.”

As of press time, Tebuto was floundering upon realizing that the Coke Freestyle machine had countless micro-variations in Mountain Dew sugar syrups.

A Government Job and a BMW: We Caught up With the Biggest Punk From Your Suburban High School

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

Back in high school, Chris was the ultimate punk. When you walked those halls between bio and history class and saw his huge hairdo bobbing above that sea of heads, safety pins jangling off his sharpied up jean jacket, you knew this guy was hardcore. And so did he! Chris always made sure that normies and posers like you knew their place, and that place was nowhere near as punk as the position he enjoyed. Whether he was listening to Capitalist Casualties at full blast in the parking lot on his third period spare or telling the AV club that their anti-war video was far too corporate, Chris was the authority on being ANTI-authority?

We visited Chris, now 39, at his family cottage to see what the legendary punk is up to these days.

The Hard Times: Okay, first off we gotta ask, what happened to your rad hair, man? That cut was rockin!
Chris: The guys in my college dorm made fun of it, so I got a fade.

For real? Don, Joel, and Marcie always thought it was so cool.
None of them went to my college.

So what are you up to these days?
Well, after college my dad got me a spot in a career placement program and I started working for Immigration. So that takes up most of my time. Some of them are really sneaky, you have to do a lot of digging to root them out.

What about your personal life? I see a pair of water wings over there by the jet skis. You a family man now?
Yeah, after fifteen years of trying to convince Marcie to change her views on marriage, I realized I was the last guy in my fantasy hockey pool without a wife. So we broke up and I found Kate online two years ago. Got a third kid on the way now which is good because my mom’s not disappointed in me anymore.

Wow, true love can come to us in strange ways, huh?
Uh, sure.

So let’s talk punk. In this increasingly polarized political world, punk culture is experiencing a revival. As a senior punk, are you excited to see so many young people taking radical action against capitalist imperialism, making anarchist collectives mainstream, and creating viable alternatives to submitting to the white supremacist patriarchy?
Yeah I don’t know about any of that. Do you want to see my electric guitar? It still has all the original strings.

Hell yeah!

Okay in retrospect there were a few things here and there that we maybe should have called Chris out on or at least have held his feet to the fire about, but what can we say? We were just super stoked that Chris was hanging out with us. I mean, Chris for God’s sake! What a blast. Anyway, check back next week when we interview your high school’s biggest goth girl about her church’s bake sale.

Pavement Fan Announces Plans to Discuss Nothing but Pavement Until 2022 Tour

Posted on by Dianne Nora

CHICAGO — Derek Douglas, a fan of the indie rock band Pavement since the early 90s, announced his plans this week to discuss nothing but Pavement until the band’s upcoming tour in 2022, which was also announced earlier this week.

“It’s my great pleasure, at long last, to officially announce the only topic I plan on discussing for the next eight months will be the upcoming reunion tour of the single greatest American rock band to ever grace this planet,” Douglas told his girlfriend, who was tuning him out while playing Candy Crush on her phone. “Discussions will include the band’s rich history and founding, their five studio albums, the twelve EPs, and of course my own commentary on how their music made me the man I am today. Reservations for these discussions will begin Thursday, and can be made by texting me or messaging me on Instagram.”

Friends of Douglas say they had anticipated such an announcement as soon as they heard news of the band’s upcoming tour.

“I hadn’t heard from Derek in at least a year, but I knew as soon as I saw the headline in Pitchfork that I’d probably hear from him soon,” reported Tom Clybourne, a friend of Douglas’s since high school. “He knows I’m a Smashing Pumpkins fan, so he called me up just to say how much Billy Corgan sucks, and that Pavement were better. He told me his plan to talk about Pavement non-stop until the tour, which didn’t really surprise me, because that’s pretty much all he talks about already.”

Faizah Hogan, an anthropologist who studies intense fandoms, explained the effects that a band breaking up can have on the psyches of fans like Douglas.

“Long periods of dormancy, in which no new albums are released and no shows are happening, can lead to repression and other forms of sublimation as a coping mechanism for devoted fans,” Hogan says, citing her years of extensive research on Pavement devotees. “Sometimes we liken fandom such as this to ‘cult status,’ but the term is really quite accurate: the sense of self is based entirely around the object of fixation. It may be that some fans haven’t had an original thought since the group first disbanded in 1999.”

At press time, Douglas was addressing Pavement’s appearance on “Space Ghost Coast to Coast” with someone who had called him in an attempt to sell him a new warranty on his vehicle.\\

Photo by Masao Nagasaki

Review: Volbeat “Servant of the Mind”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Danish rockabilly metal heroes, Volbeat, have returned with their eighth full-length of shake-and-shimmy mosh music, “Servant of the Mind.” This new eighteen-track LP embodies the band’s signature blend of psychobilly, heavy metal, and punk rock n roll up and cranks it up a notch.

Fans of Volbeat are overwhelmingly excited about the official December 3rd release of this album and I know that for a fact because shortly after I left the post office with my exclusive copy of the album, sent to me by the label so I could write this review, I was approached by two police officers.

I was extremely confused about what was going on because their guns were drawn before they even spoke. One of the officers shouted “drop it!” So I did and that’s when the other one tackled me, put me in cuffs, and threw me in the back of their car. “What the hell is going on?” I asked. Apparently, they were huge Volbeat fans and they didn’t understand how or why I had a copy of their new record. I tried to explain to them that it was my job to review it but they seemed to be more interested in the record itself than the reason for how I obtained it.

They took me down to their precinct and sang an a capella rendition of the band’s‘ Rewind, Replay, Rebound’ album from front to back for the entirety of the ride. Then, and I shit you not, when we walked into that station they were holding up the new record like it was an Olympic medal. Everybody in there was losing their fucking minds. One officer intentionally shot multiple holes through the ceiling and nobody even cared. I had absolutely no idea how much cops love Volbeat.

I wasn’t a priority to them at all. They didn’t take my name, birthday, or anything. Just tossed in a cell that was never locked because they were too busy scrambling to find a record player so they could hear the album. Once they finally did, they unplugged all the phone lines, disconnected the wi-fi router, popped out a giant bottle of Jim Beam, and just quietly crowded around the speakers.

They were honestly so entranced that I just walked out and went home. I never even got to actually listen to the record. However, I did get to watch their fans hear it for the first time and it was extremely evident that they were not disappointed. Judging by that alone

Score: Five out of Five thin blue lines.

/**/

Kids These Days Will Never Feel the Intense Ridicule That Came From Expressing the Slightest Interest in Anything

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

You youngins today have all kinds of interests and you don’t care who knows it. Not like back in the old days of the ’90s. Things were a lot tougher back then. If you showed the slightest interest in anything like sports, school, family, or even got a little too excited about not giving a fuck, someone would give you that, “Looks like somebody cares” glare, forcing you to drop your eyes, shrug, and mumble “whatever.” We came up tough.

When Kurt Cobain, Tupac, and Eminem were like, “Fuck this shit,” you may not have known what “this shit” was, but damn it, fuck that shit! If they didn’t give a fuck about MTV interviews, how could I give a fuck about soccer practice? Not like kids today who openly flaunt the things they’re into. Like music. These zoomers can’t listen to a single song without broadcasting it on social media. Not like my generation. Hell, back then I wouldn’t even admit that I liked music as a form of sound unless we shared blood or culpability in an unsolved crime.

Kids these days seem to not only enjoy, but boast about the things they’re into. Magically, they can openly talk about the things they love without fear of alienation! In fact, this seems to somehow form even tighter bonds with other like-minded individuals. Even more shocking, they call it “nerding out” yet they don’t seem to spend nearly enough time inside of lockers or toilet bowls for that label to apply.

I worry about this generation. If they think everything they do is cool, the real world will crush them. Sure, it’s hard to hear that everything you care about is lame, but you’ll learn that a carefully manufactured list of what you’re allowed to not hate is way more rewarding than just enjoying what you actually love. And honestly, if you do love it so much, why don’t you just fucking marry it, loser.

Pac-Man Arcade Machine From 1981 Still Laundromat’s Newest Appliance

Posted on by James Knapp

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A vintage Pac-Man arcade cabinet belonging to area laundromat Sudsy’s Soak ‘n Scrub is reportedly the establishment’s most technologically advanced piece of equipment by a wide margin, sources who see no need for further improvements confirmed.

“Sudsy’s has been in my family for three generations, and we got a proud reputation for our service over all those years. So what if washers were built during the first Cleveland administration? They were good enough then and they should be good enough now,” explained laundromat owner Harlan Museman. “Of course, customers complain sometimes about how our air conditioning system is just a fan and a big block of rock salt in front of it, so we got that newfangled circle boy machine to keep ‘em distracted. Occasionally you just have to get with the times.”

Laundromat patron Joanna Flint gave her perspective on the game cabinet while also having a very difficult time with the change machine.

“Why does this goddamn thing never fucking work right? I know it was built before the invention of five-dollar bills but c’mon!” exclaimed Flint. “Yeah, the Pac-Man game is fine but there’s really not much use for it when I haven’t been able to get one quarter out of this change dispenser. I mean, I literally can’t give this business my money without this machine functioning properly so you’d think that might incentivize them to, you know, have it fucking do that.”

Pac-Man took a brief intermission from eating ghosts and dots to express his feelings on being Sudsy’s newest appliance.

“I don’t see nothing wrong with being the new kid on the block around here, even four decades later. People may claim that every single mechanical device here is woefully out of date, but let me tell you, as a video game character that knows how it feels to be a classic, there’s nothing wrong with a little age,” said Pac-Man with his big weird flappy head. “Personally I hope they never get anything new, especially if it’s a Dance Dance Revolution. There’s barely any fruit in that game! Ridiculous.”

At press time, Sudsy’s customers were informed that the building’s restroom facilities would be closed until management gets around to emptying the bucket again.

Three Fun Twists on Pumpkin Pie That Aren’t Nearly as Good as the First Drag of Your Morning Cigarette

Posted on by Zach Raffio

Yum alert! Fall has arrived, and you know what that means: warm, cozy treats. Pumpkin pie is a classic – sweet, creamy, and the perfect blend of autumnal aroma – but it’s time for an update. Check out our three fun twists on the beloved dessert below, even though they aren’t anywhere near as good as the first divine drag of your morning cigarette.

Oh god, that’s the best, right? The sweet tobacco smell when you open the pack, the anticipatory dopamine you feel when you spark the lighter, and then that pull hits you right in the nerves… heaven. Anyway let’s talk pie shit I guess.

Put it in a mug!
You love the pie, but don’t love the mess. We get it! This all-in-one pumpkin pie mug is all the comfort of the winter favorite without any of the cleanup. Speaking of comfort: god it’s comforting to take that first, hard nicotine inhale in the morning air, yeah? Fuck, I wish this mug slop was even a third as good as that shit.

Brûlée it!
Time to firm up your pie with a delicious, smoky crust. Take this American classic and give it a French twist – and speaking of lighting things on fire and also the French, it’s worth mentioning that this twist can’t even stand in the same room as your inaugural daily life-stick suck. I’d take the chance to even look at an AM puff sword over eating 12 of these pies any day. God I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.

Shots, anyone?
Now we’re talking! Add a shot of bourbon to the batter to give it a distinctive, nuanced flavor profile – or say fuck it and just take the shot of bourbon straight, with a two cigarette chaser at 9:45am. Who needs to ingest liquor-flavored spice goo when you can inhale some of God’s arm hair wrapped in angel money? You could literally bring my grandmother back to life in the form of this pie and it would be a piece of shit next to that sweet, sweet lung dung. Fuuuuck, shit. God it’s so good. Fuck me.

So, there you have it: three fun twists on the classic pumpkin pie that will have your holiday dinner guests saying “wow, you’re so creative!” and “I’ve never seen THAT before” and of course “I’m going to sleep so I can wake up and smoke, fuck this pie and fuck you”.

Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Dragula That Autonomously Digs Through Ditches and Burns Through Witches

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tesla recently revealed the prototype for their new self-driving Dragula that can independently dig through ditches and burn through witches, sources who couldn’t wait to slam in the back of one confirmed.

“This is going to completely revolutionize the demon-based auto industry,” said Tesla CEO Elon Musk, while assuring shareholders that the dramatic drop in company stocks as a result of the announcement was probably normal. “The coolest feature is most definitely the center console that connects directly to Hell. This automated access to eternal damnation is actually what powers the whole thing, so it doesn’t even need gasoline. You can also control the vehicle with your phone simply by summoning a demon through our app. Pretty cool, right? Anyway, we anticipate that by 2030 all metalheads will have switched over to our new autonomous Dragula for all of their ditch-digging and witch-burning needs.”

Members of the public couldn’t wait to get their hands on one of these evil drag racers.

“I’ve already sent Tesla a downpayment for this bad boy despite their so-called claim that they’re not accepting deposits just yet,” said fervent Tesla supporter Chaz Polymer while selling his Model S on Craigslist to make room in his bank account. “Sure, insurance costs are going to be through the roof since this vehicle exclusively deals and absorbs damage. But on the other hand, owning one of these is going to seriously impress my friends. That’s obviously the only reason to ever buy a sporty automobile.”

Robert Bartleh Cummings, known professionally as Rob Zombie, admittedly struggled for years to get the Dragula prototype to work autonomously.

“As an amateur mechanic of satanic vehicles that are used primarily for ill-intentions, I’ve been tweaking the technology on this roadster for years,” said Cummings. “However, I just could never get it to dig nor burn without the use of a human steering it. I got close once, but there were occasions where it would accidentally drive safely. If the public is going to accept driverless Dragulas as a whole, that just cannot happen whatsoever.”

At press time, Tesla announced plans to temporarily shut down production of the self-driving Dragula after one of them inadvertently mistook a pedestrian wearing fishnets for a witch.

Rittenhouse Judge Calls Recess to Sheepishly Ask for an Autograph

Posted on by Camden Brazile

KENOSHA, Wisc. — Judge Bruce Schroeder called for a recess after a long day of court proceedings in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial to sheepishly request an autograph from the shooter, according to multiple eyewitnesses.

“It’s so hard sitting there all day pretending like I’m not a huge fan of his work,” Schroeder said. “They say never meet your heroes, but he was so warm and charming, and he signed my assault rifle ‘To Bruce, Love Kyle.’ I almost couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the testimony all day because I was fixated on his charisma.”

Several people present in the courthouse noticed the honorable Judge blushing and fixing his hair in the reflection of his nameplate.

“When [Rittenhouse] was swearing in on the stand, I swear I saw them wink at each other, like they were best buddies,” said court reporter for Kenosha News Dana Malbach. “At one point I’m almost certain I saw Schroeder write something on a piece of paper, fold it up like one of those paper footballs we used to make in middle school, then hand it to the bailiff next to him until it went around the room and reached Rittenhouse. Judge Schroeder tried pretending he was distracted by staring at his phone, but I could see him looking over his shoulder to see what Kyle’s reaction was.”

The defendant, Kyle Rittenhouse, was happy to make time for the fan.

“If my senseless killing can make a positive difference in just one person’s life, then it will all have been worth it,” Rittenhouse said. “A lot of people are trying to paint me as a bad person with their ‘hard evidence’ and ‘powerful emotional testimony,’ but I’m glad Judge Schroeder knows I’m a good guy who just did what any white psychopath would have. While the jury is currently sequestered to prevent any media influence, Bruce and I are going out to dinner later to talk about my next project when, I mean, if, he lets me go.”

At press time, Judge Schroeder defended his credibility and impartiality to the court while wearing his new ‘SAVE KYLE’ robe.

Poor People Should Stop Voting Against Their Best Interest and Start Voting for Politicians Who Relentlessly Mock Them

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Dear poor Republican voters. Are you stupid or something? I’m only asking because you keep voting against your interests. Did you know that the politicians you enthusiastically support don’t care about you? Honestly, they probably hate you deep down. It’s time to stop supporting them and start voting for the politicians who hate you openly! The ones who mock you for your beliefs and guilt or bully you into giving them your vote. You know, the politicians I vote for.

As someone making a modest six figures, I know exactly what’s best for the poors. That’s why I never tip servers as a way to teach them the lesson that they should’ve learned to code instead. That lesson is a real tip they can use.

You’re still offended by their political ads calling you ignorant and backwoods? Wow, and people say us liberals can’t take a joke. Just try to see through that patronizing bullshit and understand that voting for these kinds of politicians might just help you out in the long run, you hillbilly moron.

Sure, after you vote them into office, they’re definitely going to disappoint and they’ll flake on the most important issues that affect poor people like cancelling student loan debt, increasing the minimum wage, and guaranteeing paid family leave. But that’s only because they avoid confrontation and fighting for the little guy at all costs. I said they wanted to help. I never said they’d be good at it.

Let’s be honest. We can’t exactly blame politicians for their continued mockery and ineffectiveness either. After all, these legislators are wealthy as hell, so they can’t help but insult poor people. It’s just one of the things that come with having a jacked bank account. You probably wouldn’t understand because you’re poor. And dumb.

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