TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Middle-schooler Gavin Dirnt caught up on the beloved HBO series “The Sopranos” by watching his Italian friend’s parents fight over the proper thickness of deli meat, entertainment sources reported.
“My mom age-locked everything not in the HBO Max kids section so I can’t watch ‘The Sopranos’ and that’s a bummer because I’ve really wanted to watch that new movie,” said Dirnt. “Luckily my Italian friend Ronnie’s parents get into a huge fight every time they drive us home from soccer practice. From what I’ve seen, Italian people screaming at each other makes up about 90% of the show, so everyday this week I’ve just parked myself on their plastic-lined couch under the picture of Padre Pio and listened to them duke it out. Ronnie’s parents don’t even notice me, and my parents couldn’t care less so long as I get my homework done.”
Dirnt’s friend Ronnie Sprigatello had never realized how closely his family resembled “The Sopranos” cast until Dirnt pointed it out.
“At first I told Gavin to just borrow our ‘Sopranos’ DVD box set. We’re Italian so of course we have like, three already,” said Sprigatello. “But instead he comes to my house with a notepad and a bag of goldfish crackers and studies my parents as they fight over baked ziti, track suits, and slicked back hair. Then there’s all of my extended family that come in and out of my house to yell at my mom and call my dad fat. My family isn’t in the mob, but it is a weird coincidence that I’ve got like eight cousins named Vito.”
Sprigatello’s father and family patriarch Tommy Sprigatello has yet to notice Dirnt watching him.
“Gavin’s a good kid, I wish he’d come over more, unlike that rat bastard 10-year old from next door Donnie,” said Sprigatello. “Have I seen ‘The Sopranos?’ Of course I have, but It’s not realistic. They’re all fucking hysterics. Every episode it’s bitch bitch bitch. Do the writers think all Italians are just whiny calzones with legs? Besides, my therapist wouldn’t talk to me like that.”
Dirnt returned the favor by letting Sprigatello catch up on “True Detective” by watching his cop dad get day drunk.
PENSACOLA, Fla. — Snake trainer Trevor Bloch raises his anacondas and other snakes to not judge potential mates by physical appearance but rather the contents of their personality, skeptical acquaintances report.
“Anacondas are routinely slandered in the media, and these depictions of snakes who only value the fattest of asses couldn’t be further from the truth,” declared Bloch, who became a devoted snake guy after the tumultuous end of a romantic relationship. “My eldest anaconda, Bertram, absolutely does not judge women by ass or titty size. He likes big racks, small racks, love handles, or skinny chicks. Stretch marks? The more the better. Or not? So how dare you judge Bertram before you even get to know him?”
Bertram the anaconda has become something of an activist in recent years, inspired by the success of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” which heavily samples Sir Mix-a-Lot’s earlier “Baby Got Back.”
“These songs have created endless prejudices against anacondas for decades. People with anything smaller than 36-inch hips refuse to even come near me anymore because they assume I will judge and reject them,” said a dejected Bertram, who will publish a book of sonnets in 2022. “I just want to love. I’m a romantic at heart! I don’t care if you got buns, hun. I do care that you are a deep thinker, a lover. And yes, we will have mind-blowing sex. But it’s not dependent on your bodily attributes. It would help if the other person was open to some impact play, though.”
Rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot takes responsibility for establishing the stereotype that anacondas will pay no heed to a female unless she satisfies an unrealistic standard of beauty.
“A lot of people think I was talking about my penis in that line — first of all, that’s disgusting,” explained Sir Mix-a-Lot. “But what can I say? My pet anaconda Reggie (may he rest in peace) was just wired that way. I write truths about what I see in life. I think it’s silly to ignore basic biology that the anaconda brain gravitates towards certain visual shapes in the opposite sex. In the event that you put a male anaconda in an environment with a female anaconda who has an itty bitty waist, they do in fact get sprung. It’s just nature.”
Bertram the anaconda found himself embroiled in further controversy after snapping several pictures of petite women he wanted to get with.
PENSACOLA, Fla. — Snake trainer Trevor Bloch raises his anacondas and other snakes to not judge potential mates by physical appearance but rather the contents of their personality, skeptical acquaintances report.
“Anacondas are routinely slandered in the media, and these depictions of snakes who only value the fattest of asses couldn’t be further from the truth,” declared Bloch, who became a devoted snake guy after the tumultuous end of a romantic relationship. “My eldest anaconda, Bertram, absolutely does not judge women by ass or titty size. He likes big racks, small racks, love handles, or skinny chicks. Stretch marks? The more the better. Or not? So how dare you judge Bertram before you even get to know him?”
Bertram the anaconda has become something of an activist in recent years, inspired by the success of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” which heavily samples Sir Mix-a-Lot’s earlier “Baby Got Back.”
“These songs have created endless prejudices against anacondas for decades. People with anything smaller than 36-inch hips refuse to even come near me anymore because they assume I will judge and reject them,” said a dejected Bertram, who will publish a book of sonnets in 2022. “I just want to love. I’m a romantic at heart! I don’t care if you got buns, hun. I do care that you are a deep thinker, a lover. And yes, we will have mind-blowing sex. But it’s not dependent on your bodily attributes. It would help if the other person was open to some impact play, though.”
Rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot takes responsibility for establishing the stereotype that anacondas will pay no heed to a female unless she satisfies an unrealistic standard of beauty.
“A lot of people think I was talking about my penis in that line — first of all, that’s disgusting,” explained Sir Mix-a-Lot. “But what can I say? My pet anaconda Reggie (may he rest in peace) was just wired that way. I write truths about what I see in life. I think it’s silly to ignore basic biology that the anaconda brain gravitates towards certain visual shapes in the opposite sex. In the event that you put a male anaconda in an environment with a female anaconda who has an itty bitty waist, they do in fact get sprung. It’s just nature.”
Bertram the anaconda found himself embroiled in further controversy after snapping several pictures of petite women he wanted to get with.
So I’m a “poser,” am I? Why? Oh, I get it. Just because I’ve never been to a concert that wasn’t sponsored by the Ford Explorer, I’m a big ol’ poser in your eyes. Or maybe it’s because my aesthetic, political beliefs, and entertainment preferences are entirely based on fitting in with a subculture that I think I can exploit. Well, if that makes me a “poser” then I clearly misunderstood the word.
And here I thought punk was about being your true, authentic self. Well, my authentic self is a rapidly changing identity based on what will net me the most material gain and social clout. Sorry for being me, I guess.
What does “poser” even mean anyway? When people started calling me that, I thought they were complimenting my incredible selfie game. But considering how often people untag themselves when I post them, now I see that is clearly not the case. Plus, how can I be a poser when I barely try. I’ve never even gotten close to one of those big things where you all slam into each other. What’s it called? The mush pot? I don’t know, man. It looks pretty dirty to me and this leather blazer cost two grand. No thank you.
If it’s some sort of insult then I gotta tell you it’s not very effective. One time an investment banker implied that I was only upper-middle class. Now that was insulting. Little did he know I was just about to buy out his whole company and fire his day-job-needing ass immediately. Oh what, is that something a “poser” would do? It is? Well then I still don’t get it.
Whatever, it doesn’t bother me. Shit, I bet I know more about punk than you. I’ve listened to every Fall Out Boy song that’s ever shown up on my Machine Gun Kelly Spotify radio. I even saw Green Day in person. Granted it was when they were getting off the elevator at the Ritz Carlton, but I’m sure nothing would impress a gatekeeper like you.
All this poser talk is just confusing me more and now I’ve kind of lost interest. Either that or I never cared in the first place. It’s hard to tell. I guess if being a poser means only being into punk because I think it might get me rich or laid then I guess we’ll never truly know the meaning of the word.
PHOENIX — The musical comedy duo of Mitch Warner and Danny Morales, tentatively named “Sax and Violins” or possibly “Fingering A Minor,” are bitterly fighting over whether their band should rip off Flight of the Conchords or Tenacious D.
“There comes a time in all artists’ lives when they must decide just whom they should plagiarize. I definitely have the vocal chops to sing like Jack Black, no matter what anyone says. So I’m leaning towards the D. Plus, Dan could stand to gain 30 or so pounds,” explained Warner. “Apparently he’d rather we bite the deadpan style of Brett and Jemaine. But there’s already five white guy acoustic guitar duos at our local open mic aping Flight of the Conchords, and only four imitating Tenacious D. So I think the choice is obvious.”
Tension within the band has led to several public fights, as witnessed by other local comedians.
“Mitch and Dan both have wildly different ideas for the direction for their band, so their songs run the gamut of boisterous, heavy metal-flavored dick jokes and silly white boy raps or David Bowie pastiches,” said local comic Bayley Singleton. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand carefully choosing your influences. But their songs ‘Alfred the Bigoted Sea Monster’ and ‘Wondrous Man’ are way to close to the originals. Might be time to retain a lawyer. I suggested that they broaden their horizons and rip off Garfunkel and Oates but apparently they don’t get ‘girl humor,’ whatever the fuck that means.”
Unfortunately, creative differences between Warner and Morales resulted in the band breaking up. While some were disappointed, others, like comedy club doorman Jimmy Delgado, were relieved.
“I was really glad to hear they broke up. Are there seriously no original ideas anymore? It’s like how Greta Van Fleet completely ripped off Led Zeppelin. Zeppelin on the other hand were true originals,” said Delgado. “Aside from all those African American blues and rock artists they ripped off, and all those plagiarism lawsuits Led Zeppelin had to deal with, of course. But that’s different.”
Following the band’s break up, Warner and Morales are now fighting over which one of them gets to rip off Bo Burnham.
OMAHA, Neb. — Local straight edge man Hal Pemulis was arrested and booked into Douglas County Department of Corrections after kicking his fathers ass for adding wine to a pasta dish he was preparing for a family dinner, hungry and horrified sources confirmed.
“I expect this sort of shit from a dumb jock at a kegger, but not your own flesh and blood,” said Pemulis while carving Xs into the walls of his cell. “I can’t count how many times I’ve told him I’m poison free and that my mind needs to stay clear. He just doesn’t respect me. Like when I graduated he offered me a cigar or the time he tried to get me to toast champagne at his anniversary party. We only recently started talking again and he goes and pulls this shit. This prick can’t even go one dinner without dousing his food with booze, fucking alcoholic is lucky my sisters pulled me off of him.”
The patriarch of the family, James Pemulis, was reportedly adding the finishing touches to a dish of braised beef with red wine and cranberry when the attack happened.
“I just forgot. It’s been so long since he was over for a Sunday dinner. I wanted to make it special so I found a nice recipe from the internet,” said the father of three while recovering in a nearby hospital. “I figured it would be fine because the alcohol burns off, but he just started screaming and calling me a degenerate. He kept saying something about a ‘Firestorm’ then pulled a cue ball out of his pocket and started hitting me with it. I don’t know but if he thinks I’m helping with his rent anymore he might actually be on drugs.”
Local straight edge scene elder Adrian Villalobos notes that family is often the hardest to come to terms with the drug-free lifestyle.
“It’s tough, man. Your parents can have this preconceived notion about who you are and when you take the oath they can’t handle that you’re now better than them. It’s almost a rite of passage to have some mix-ups with your family. Hell, I’ve had three different physical altercations with my grandma,” explained Villalobos, vocalist of militant straight edge band Thousand Year Edge. “If you aren’t willing to beat a family member to death for disrespecting your beliefs then you can’t call yourself straight edge.”
Pemulis is currently being held in solitary confinement after viciously attacking a cellmate he assumed was making Pruno in the cell toilet.
PHILADELPHIA — Straight edge punk Marieka Layton is definitely getting screwed over at this tapas restaurant when her friends decide they’re going to split a $326 dinner and drinks bill evenly.
“I just know I’m going to get strong-armed into splitting the cost of everyone’s stupid ‘Instagram worthy’ cocktails even though I’ve only been pounding water all night,” said Layton while looking at the check in absolute horror. “First off, I didn’t even touch anyone’s tapas. I wouldn’t be caught dead eating expensive mini versions of food. Secondly, if this is anything like the last time we went out, my friends aren’t even going to ask me if I’m cool with splitting the bill. They’ll just take the credit card from my wallet while I’m in the bathroom. Next thing you know, I’m in debt because Levi ordered nine margaritas again.”
Those close to Layton are reportedly fed-up with her resistance to splitting the check.
“We get that she’s based her life around never having fun, but we invited her so she should be so lucky to split our bill,” said friend from college, Wesley Reed. “If we have to listen to her drone on about some no-name hardcore band from the ‘80s, then the least she can do is respectfully make our night easier by splitting the tab. Isn’t being straight edge all about unity and brotherhood or some shit? What’s more unifying than paying for my eighteen-dollar Long Island Iced Tea.”
Dr. Andre Martinez, a consumer researcher at MIT, has found that more and more straight edge punks are getting stiffed into splitting the bill by the minute.
“We did a behavioral research study across the United States and, according to our numbers, eighty two percent of straight edge punks get peer pressured into splitting the check on a bi-weekly basis,” said Martinez. “For most of our test subjects, they’d rather just suffer the consequences of splitting the bill instead of awkwardly reminding everyone that they don’t drink. Nobody wants to be that guy who makes it complicated, or looks cheap. So, we’re encouraging our test subjects to make better friends whose entire personality isn’t happy hour or boozy brunches.”
At press time, when questioned about the future of this issue, Layton revealed that she’s certain she’s going to get swindled into paying for an endless stream of White Claws at an upcoming Friendsgiving dinner.
The vaccine debate isn’t going anywhere. Thankfully, I’ve never had to participate in any of it because my lifelong commitment to a poison-free lifestyle is way more effective against COVID than any bullshit vaccine on the market. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson all pale in comparison to the straight edge.
Big Pharma has been pushing their drugs on society for far too long, and I won’t give in to their peer pressure campaign. These Xs on my hands mean I’ll never let some medical intern turn me into a vaccine junkie in some tent in a parking lot. I took an oath when I was 13 years old and I can never turn my back on that. Even if all my friends already have, and even if there are no real-world repercussions to breaking edge.
I know you might have your doubts about my claims, but you’re most likely an alcoholic moron puffing on your 40th Newport of the day, and I don’t have time to get into a debate with you. So here are some facts that I feel are true.
•If everyone was straight edge drunk driving fatalities would go to zero overnight.
•Not a single straight edge person died of an opioid overdose this year.
•Listening to “Firestorm” on repeat completely repels COVID, the divebombs are played at a frequency that obliterates the virus
•The straight edge lifestyle has “social distancing” built into the structure of it all. You can’t infect someone if they never wanted to hang out with you in the first place.
I feel sorry for people who need to stick a needle in their arm just to make it through a pandemic. It’s a crutch, and it’s pathetic. Besides, straight edge people are far more productive. When you don’t have a hangover you can get so much more done. When you aren’t invited to parties you have so much more time to work on your zine. The fact that you don’t have any friends left leaves your schedule wide open to learn things like woodworking, or making soap at home.
Look, I’ll be real with you. I come from a family of addicts. Taking the vaccine could lead me down a slippery slope of vaccine addictions. It starts with COVID, then suddenly I’m knocking off a pediatrician for doses of the MMR vaccine. That’s not the life I want to lead. My choice is clear. Straight edge forever. It’s the best defense in the world.
BOSTON — A local straight edge man battling cancer admitted his biggest regret in life was how infrequently he knocked alcoholic drinks out of unsuspecting people’s hands at bars or parties, X’d up sources confirmed.
“When I look back on my life I have a lot of great memories. I moshed a lot, I cut a lot of camo pants into shorts, and I can’t tell you how many times I just sat around with the boys doing absolutely nothing. Those were some of the best days of my life,” said 32-year-old Danny Sullivan. “But if I could do it all again I’d make sure I carved out more time to knock beers onto the floor. Too often I would just let people drink and mind their own business, and I hate myself for that. I should have forced my beliefs onto them more and then tried to fight them.”
Friends of Sullivan say he is being way too hard on himself and should be at peace with his decisions.
“I know where Danny is coming from. We all wish we could go back in time and slash the tires of a Budweiser truck so it couldn’t deliver its poison, but for every beer he didn’t slap there was a pack of cigarettes he crushed, or a joint he smacked into the gutter,” said fellow straight edge friend Matt Finch. “This just makes me want to be twice as militant in his honor. Not only will I smack beers out of hands, but I’ll also smack every coffee I see. Caffeine is one of the most abused drugs there is, look it up.”
Sullivan’s doctors were hopeful about their treatment plan for the young man, but were immediately stonewalled when presenting him with options.
“His cancer is very treatable. I suggest a non-invasive treatment that included some pills which have a great rate of success and he punched my clipboard across the room, grabbed me by my jacket and told me if I ever push drugs on him again I’ll have to get used to swallowing my teeth,” said lead oncologist Donovan Klein. “Everyone has a unique way of coping with a diagnosis like this, but I’ve never had someone physically assault me and then give me a 45-minute lecture on ‘conviction.’”
Sullivan’s last will and testament stipulates that if his dead body is treated with formaldehyde he will be waiting in the next life with a pool cue to beat the shit out of everyone who allowed it to happen.
While they may have been intended for children, that didn’t stop these movies from veering into nightmare fuel. Here are 13 surprisingly dark moments in children’s movies.
The Pink Elephants, Dumbo
Imagine this – you’re 4-years-old watching a hilarious tale of a baby elephant ripped away from its mother, when suddenly those sick fucks at Disney have the gall to insert this scene implying that getting drunk is horrifying instead of totally awesome.
Charlie Bucket’s Grandfather Commits Disability Fraud, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
In a movie full of WTF moments, perhaps the most shocking is witnessing ultimate leech to society Grandpa Joe’s elaborate scheme to lay in bed and collect disability checks while his daughter and grandson support his goldbrickin’ ass.
When the Donkeys are Transformed Back into Humans, Pinocchio
Every one remembers the orphan boys being turned into donkeys. But you likely blocked out the equally traumatizing moment when the donkeys are turned back into boys, particularly their screams of “No! Not sentience again! I was happy as a thoughtless beasts” and “consciousness is a curse!”
Large Marge, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
Uhhhh, excuse me? “Large” Marge?? How was that nickname ever ok?? Claymation ghost trucker or not, fat-shaming is NEVER acceptable.
When the Rat Catcher Fucked All Those Rats, Ratatouille
Sure, the character’s first line in the film is, “I am rat catcher. I fornicate with rats. This is what will happen and I do not control it.” But even still, it is pretty shocking to see it happen in act three after Remi made the big food or whatever.
Flying Monkeys, The Wizard of Oz
Legend has it the studio worked with a cabal of Nazi scientists to surgically remove the wings of Adean condors and graft them onto the spinal columns of trained actor monkeys. Fun fact: The wings were not functional, so that scene of the monkeys “flying” away from the witch’s balcony was actually them falling to their deaths.
David Bowie’s Massive Hog, Labyrinth
A recent Reuters poll found that 87% of Millennials attribute their first ever “fear boner” to the sight of Bowie’s undulating groin in “Labyrinth.” Truly petrifying.
That Sleepover When Your Dog Peed on Scott’s Personal Pan Pizza And Your Mom Told You You Can’t Play Call of Duty, The Spongebob SquarePants Movie
Who could forget the classic “Shell City” scene where Scott out of nowhere starts yelling about how you owe him 6 bucks because your Pomeranian tinkled on his personal meat lover’s even though you warned him Dolly might mark the pizza if he leaves it on the floor?
Literally Every Piece of Children’s Entertainment from England
To quote the effervescent Oscar Wilde, England is a “stupidely bad hellhole of ugly people that also talk stupid.” While perhaps not his wittiest quote, it certainly applies to unintentionally macabre children’s entertainment like “Watership Down” and “Teletubbies.” This would also explain why midwestern parents in the US frequently threaten to send their misbehaving children to pick elderberries in Yorkforshire.
The Horrors of Socialism, Rugrats in Paris
The “Rugrats” are on the big screen and galavanting around the City of Lights. But the babies’ misadventures take a turn for the red after Chucky shatters his arm and has to “visit the hostabull.” Chucky and his widower father are forced to wait hours for care, watching as Band-aids and ointment are evenly distributed among all patients. The scariest part of all? they never even received a bill for the cast!
The Post-Credit Scene of Champ Getting His Anal Glands Expressed, Homeward Bound
While it is crucial to periodically milk canine anal glands, star Michael J. Fox refused to promote the movie unless the producers kept this post-credit scene of rascally bulldog “Chance” absolutely hosing a veterinary technician in butt juice.
That Scene of My Parents Making Love, The Goonies (TBS Version)
The first forty minutes or so of the VHS tape found under my parent’s bed labeled “The Goonies, TBS” is a rip-roaring, swashbuckling adventure. But then the action is interrupted by a seemingly unrelated scene of my parents having sex. Besides the uncomfortableness of watching my nude parents locked in carnal embrace, the odd segment somehow gets more awkward when dad accuses mom of “not taking it seriously enough,” before the movie mercifully returns to One-Eyed WIlly’s ship.
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