Mom Screams Into Decorative Throw Pillow

Posted on by Dom Turek

CHANDLER, Ariz. — A local mom was seen screaming her regrets and frustrations into a decorative throw pillow that read, “Family is Forever,” reported a neighbor who witnessed the incident from her window.

“My first reaction was to go over and see where she got that gorgeous linen throw pillow from,” said neighbor Danielle Orlowski. “I’ve been looking for a new pillow to scream my primal fears and guttural sorrows into ever since I found out my husband was sleeping with someone from his gym, but everything has beads or sequins stitched onto it, which makes it hard to get a good scream in. Plus, I don’t think they’re machine washable.”

Home furnishing stores market throw pillows as decorative accessories used to tie in color accents, but sales associates insist there is no wrong way to use a pillow.

“We want the pillows to be fashionable enough to make a modest statement about your social standing but functional enough to scream your resentments into before your kids come home from school,” said Marshalls’ merchandising supervisor Patrick Evans. “Once upon a time, women were forced to scream into cheap polyester pillows from Sears, but Marshalls is committed to transforming the way people scream into pillows by offering a wider range of colors and fabrics to choose from, in both seasonal themes and classic designs.”

Alice Sawyer, seen screaming into her pillow earlier, uses Marshalls as her go-to for ceramic pumpkins, framed stock photos of the Eiffel tower, or just a place to browse while she wonders what could have been.

“I’m a little embarrassed she saw me screaming into that pillow and not one of my better ones,” said Sawyer, fluffing a European pillow sham. “My husband keeps telling me to stop wasting his hard-earned money on ‘useless crap,’ but I’d rather pay $9.99 to scream into a chenille throw pillow than spend thousands on a divorce lawyer. Why does he care about how many throw pillows are on the bed? We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for years.”

At press time, Sawyer was seen stabbing a pillow that read “Too Blessed to be Stressed” with her new Cuisinart paring knife.

Daylight Saving Time Causes Punk Show To Accidentally Start on Time

Posted on by Kevin Tit

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A show in the basement of local punk house Arsonist Hall started exactly on time today, thanks to a Daylight Saving Time mishap, shocked attendees confirmed.

“This should not be a reflection of the Providence punk scene — our punctuality and preparedness only happened because none of us actually knew what time it was,” said longtime punk Arty “Germ” Lussier. “We’ve just been going by the clock on our stove, and since it read 7:00, we had no way of knowing we were supposed to set our clocks an hour back. And to make it worse, both of the neighbors are on vacation, so there’s nobody to call in a noise complaint. This is hardly even a punk show at this point. Somebody better feed the dog some beer to save face.”

Bands booked on the show admitted that starting on time was disorienting.

“We rolled in, and thought we were 30 minutes late and took our time setting up, but it was all for nothing. The clock in our van hasn’t worked since our bass player puked all over the dashboard display — we usually just kind of go off the placement of the sun to time our day out,” said Gail Ciccotti, lead singer of local punk band Schlitz Blitz. “I overheard some yuppie posers with smartphones mention it was 8:15 halfway through our set, and I just sort of froze: we were the band that started on time. We looked like fucking amateurs.”

Punk historian Andy Melrose noted that the “spring” forward” and “fall back” of Daylight Saving Time has led to multiple issues with punk time.

“There are strict rules we have to follow in the supposedly ‘lawless’ punk scene, and changing the clocks is a surefire way to mess everything up,” said Melrose. “Every year I hear reports of shows starting exactly on time across the country, or even starting early… which is worse than getting caught smiling in family photos with your rich parents and having a full-time job combined. We need to get better about adjusting our expectations every spring and fall.”

Witnesses say the show’s reputation sank even lower, however, when police showed up to the house and enjoyed a few songs before leaving without saying a word.

Woman With No Plans or Responsibilities Feels “Thrown” by Daylight Saving Time

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

BELOIT, Wisc. — Local woman Angie Tufts expressed that she feels “all out of wack” because of a recent Daylight Saving Time change, despite having no actual plans or responsibilities of any note.

“This ‘fall back’ bullshit always throws me for a loop,” said Tufts while sipping her third macchiato of the day in an effort to wake up. “When I woke up at my mom’s house I could just feel something was different. Then while all my friends were at their dumb jobs, I just couldn’t get it together to even run to Starbucks. Ugh. I don’t even know how I’ll make it to the movies on time today. And just when I started finally adjusting to the last time change. I swear to God I’m gonna move to Arizona.”

Charlotte Tagawa, a longtime friend of Tufts’, says this was to be expected.

“I’ve been her friend since high school,” said Tagawa. “And twice a year, without fail, she acts like she woke up in a parallel universe where everything is confusing but the only actual difference is it’s an hour earlier. Or later. Or really, not at all. It’s all bullshit made up for farmers. But also, Angie hasn’t had her life together in that entire time. So I don’t know why not having to set her alarm to wake up in the morning an hour back is a big change.”

Personal life coach Wyndham Smith was more critical of Tufts.

“All my potential clients have some issue that plagues their life,” said Smith. “But this one is really more pathetic than normal. Like, she doesn’t even have a cat that she has to feed? Or like, a weird hobby that’s taking up too much of her time? This lady really needs to get her act together, even if just to give her life enough structure that a minor time change doesn’t make her apparently sleep for 14 hours straight.”

As of press time, Tufts was blaming her inability to find her mother’s credit card on Mercury having been in retrograde last month.

You’re Doing Your Anxiety Relief Breathing Exercises All Wrong, You Panicky Idiot

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Okay now just relax. I want you to close your eyes, inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of seven, and exhale for a count of eight. No! You are inhaling too fast and you aren’t holding it in long enough. Do you even know how to count? How do you ever expect to overcome your panic attacks if you breathe like a goddamn pug?! How about you say “Mississippi” after every count since apparently you’re a kindergartner? It’s like you don’t even want to get better.

If you screw this up your anxiety is going to get even worse. Is that what you want, you jittery moron? Just clear your mind completely and also count at the same time while picturing yourself in a meadow. How hard is that? Don’t forget about your hand placement. And relax. No, don’t breathe into that chakra! What a buffoon.

Ok fine, let’s try box breathing. This is in for four, hold for four, out for four, and hold for four. You have to make sure to do it exactly evenly or it won’t work. And breathe from your belly, not your chest. Deeper. DEEPER I SAID! Why are you so tense?

Try relaxing your entire body while keeping your spine perfectly aligned. If it isn’t perfectly aligned the stressors can’t escape your body and they will build up in your spinal fluid and paralyze you. So just relax.

I didn’t think this was possible but let’s dumb this down even further and just focus on your breathing. All you have to do is feel yourself breathing. In and out. In and out. It’s working? Okay good. Now, don’t let your mind wander into thoughts like how you’re alive right now but someday you won’t be or you could spiral out of control and ruin everything.

Feel. Don’t think. But be mindful at the same time. How do you not get this? Expand your awareness but look within at the same time. This is a time for self-examination but also for releasing the self and allowing it to go where it wants. And if you can’t do that simple task, then maybe you just want to spend the rest of your life being a nervous wreck.

Piss Drunk Belle & Sebastian Tidy Hotel Room

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Piss-drunk indie pop band Belle & Sebastian spent a raucous evening tidying their hotel room at the Radisson Blu Aqua while on a recent tour, according to sources.

“We get our share of touring musicians here,” said Gio Ciccio, a room cleaner at the Radisson. “And honestly, most of them are a real handful. Smash Mouth did things to their rooms that still haunt me. But we’ve never had a case quite like this. All of our rooms are guaranteed to be absolutely comfortable, luxurious, and clean. But when Belle & Sebastian got back from their show, absolutely reeking of elderflower vodka, they found nooks and crannies with the tiniest amounts of dust. They straightened the end tables to perfect right angles, even unscrewed the shower heads and reapplied plumber’s tape for maximum water pressure. Fucking weird.”

“Do they travel with plumber’s tape?” Ciccio said while aimlessly looking for something to clean. “Who does that?”

Jim MacCrearer, Belle & Sebastian’s longtime tour manager, was unapologetic.

“Look, Belle & Sebastian isn’t your average rock band,” MacCrearer said while methodically filling in sudoku. “In fact, it’s a real debate if they rock at all. A lot of bands get loaded and destroy shit, but not these ones. And they deserve to unwind on a grueling tour like this, and if their tour riders include at least eight varieties of herbal tea and they do some light dusting, that’s show business, baby. Now fuck off, please.”

Retired band manager Alan Phillips considers this just part of road life.

“Frankly, if this is the worst thing a group of Scottish musicians does to your hotel, you should consider yourself lucky,” Phillips said. “I remember, back in ‘86, Jim Reid from The Jesus & Mary Chain trashed every bar in Atlanta until he found a place that would serve him an Irn-Bru and whiskey. Of course, we just mixed Jim Beam with Gatorade and told him that’s what it was. Slept like a lamb after that.”

As of press time, bandleader Stuart Murdoch was kicked in the door of a Lou Malnati’s to politely ask if there was a bathroom he could use, if that’s not a problem.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

Top 11 Most Paused Moments in Movies

Posted on by James Knapp

Once in a while a movie scene comes around that you just have to stop and take a closer look at. These are some of the most paused moments in film history.

Phoebe Cates Shows the Goods, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

A favorite movie night feature for senior centers everywhere, the elderly are notorious for pausing this particular scene to rant about how “that young lady outta cover up” and “in my day only the greasy Welsh wore bathing suits like that.”

Daniel Craig Gets Sack-Tapped, Casino Royale

A bi-curious glimpse of side-ass during this brutal torture scene isn’t enough to stop most men from pressing pause while pondering how they might also withstand such treatment should they ever be abducted by hitmen for some reason.

The Blood Rave Orgy Scene, Blade

Viewers routinely paused their DVDs during this scene as a result of the techno induced seizures it was prone to cause.

The Kiss of Death, Godfather Part II

Although this scene was not intended to be sexual, eagle-eyed home video viewers were able to pause the scene at just the right time to spot Al Pacino gently cupping the ass and tweaking the nipples of co-star John Cazale.

Tree Guys Doing Shit, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

This is just a really long movie and on average this scene is when most people really have to go to the bathroom.

Macaulay Culkin Bee Death, My Girl

Audiences frequently paused their screens just prior to this scene, either unwilling to subject themselves to Kevin Mcallister’s tragic death or holding onto some misguided hope that by leaving the film paused long enough they might somehow avoid it entirely. Regardless, the Culkster dies and this is one of the most paused scenes in movie history.

Jake Busey’s Forehead, Starship Troopers

Rumor has it that if you look at it long enough it will reveal unto you the exact time and means of your death… we’ve been staring at it for three days.

Blink 182’s Cameo, American Pie

Travis Barker has a pet monkey! Hilarious!

The Long Psychedelic Space Tunnel, 2001: A Space Odyssey

During its initial theatrical run, movie theaters often stopped the film during this scene under the mistaken assumption that their projectors were malfunctioning. Sadly they were not and this technically-dated snoozefest went on to be included in the Library of Congress.

The Ass-To-Ass Scene, Muppet Treasure Island

Buried treasure isn’t the only booty that gave people pause in one of the most controversial scenes in all of children’s cinema. From the master of surrealist horror, Jim Henson, viewers frequently stopped this scene to try to figure out how exactly Kermit and Sam the Eagle managed to fit all three coconuts up there.

Munchkin Suicide, The Wizard of Oz

Fans have debated for years whether the urban legend is true that one of the actors portraying a munchkin hung themselves on the set of this classic film. Inside sources confirmed that this rumor is not true. It was actually one of the flying monkeys who hung himself.

Doctor Advises Rugged Detective to Take Medication By the Fistful in Back of a Cab

Posted on by Michael Luis

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local doctor Elvin Grant advised a hardscrabble down-on-his-luck police detective to exclusively take their medication aggressively and by the fistful in the back of a cab, concerned sources confirmed.

“Not every patient has a schedule that allows them to take medication in the traditional manner,” said Dr. Grant. “The patient in question, Detective Martin Jones, is a no-nonsense cop who plays by his own rules, but you know what? He gets results. I knew we would have to try something unconventional in order for him to actually take these pills. Marty told me that he’s constantly waking up in strangers’ beds with a bottle of whiskey by his side and that he lost his license after driving through a fruit stand to catch a perp, so I felt the best intake strategy for him would be unregulated handfuls in moving vehicles after yelling ‘Follow that car!’ at the scared driver.”

Detective Jones said he’s thankful for a physician like Dr. Grant who understands that when you have a city to protect, there’s no time to plan your pills.

“I appreciate Doc a lot. I’ve been on this beat since the days where you couldn’t do a house call without getting stabbed,” said Davis before taking a long drag of a cigarette. “You gotta remember, this was when you didn’t know if an old lady needed help across the street or if she was gonna pull a knife on you and take every last penny in your trenchcoat. You’d think that some little boy’s cat was stuck in a tree, but then the little boy, or even the stuck cat, pulls a knife on you and tells you to hand over your entire paycheck.”

“The city started to calm down when we dismantled that illegal knife-distribution ring,” added Davis. “But I can barely handle the reflection I see in the mirror, let alone a regimented medication schedule.”

Despite this, Dr. Grant is currently under investigation for malpractice.

“I reviewed Jones’ file and it’s appalling that one of our physicians has been prescribing medication like this,” said Chief of Medicine Dr. Bill Rogers “I called the chief at Detective Jones’ precinct and he said Jones was the top officer. That is, until he started seeing Dr. Grant. In my professional opinion, this atypical medication intake has caused his hallucinations where he believes he’s in a ‘70s cop movie.”

At press time, Detective Jones reconnected with his estranged wife and daughter and will be playing shortstop at this weekend’s inter-precinct charity softball game.

Man Losing Confidence in Himself Halfway Through Taco Bell Order

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — Local man James Tebuto is losing confidence in himself halfway through what he’s realizing is an overwhelming order at Taco Bell, according to witnesses on the scene.

“I don’t really go to Taco Bell that often,” Tebuto said, his hand trembling over the touchscreen of a self-service stand. “I’m really more of a Wendy’s guy. Normally, I just order a $5 Biggie Bag and call it good. But there’s just so many options here. I started with a few tacos, but I got this creeping doubt, should I have gotten Doritos Locos? Then, what about Supreme? Should I have gone with soft tacos? And now I see there’s party packs. Is that for one person or a bunch of people? Should I have stuck to the Value Menu?”

“Oh god, what’s a Gordita?” Tebuto asked, visibly breaking out in sweat.

Janey Williams, a Taco Bell employee on hand, was familiar with cases like this.

“Yeah, that guy is fucking up left and right,” Williams said while reloading a sour cream gun dispenser. “We see people do that, just get in the weeds and collapse halfway through. They get hung up on Chalupa this, black bean that, and just freeze. The sheer number of opportunities for cheesiness is just too much. Fortunately, pretty much all the food is basically the same. Hold on, these burritos need an extra layer.”

Behavioral psychologist Martha Carter sympathized with Tebuto.

“In truth, this kind of confusion stems from knowledge, conscious or not,” Carter said. “Knowing that you should absolutely not be getting Taco Bell. Like, when is it ever a good time to be eating Taco Bell? Has anyone ever gotten Taco Bell because things were going well? Any Taco Bell in the world is full of drunk people, hungover people, depressed people, people looking to play Magic, the Gathering in private, or someone who has no idea what a taco actually is. Just realize that uncertainty is your brain trying to warn you about how delicious, addictive, and dangerously sodium-filled the Deluxe Cravings Box is.”

As of press time, Tebuto was floundering upon realizing that the Coke Freestyle machine had countless micro-variations in Mountain Dew sugar syrups.

A Government Job and a BMW: We Caught up With the Biggest Punk From Your Suburban High School

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

Back in high school, Chris was the ultimate punk. When you walked those halls between bio and history class and saw his huge hairdo bobbing above that sea of heads, safety pins jangling off his sharpied up jean jacket, you knew this guy was hardcore. And so did he! Chris always made sure that normies and posers like you knew their place, and that place was nowhere near as punk as the position he enjoyed. Whether he was listening to Capitalist Casualties at full blast in the parking lot on his third period spare or telling the AV club that their anti-war video was far too corporate, Chris was the authority on being ANTI-authority?

We visited Chris, now 39, at his family cottage to see what the legendary punk is up to these days.

The Hard Times: Okay, first off we gotta ask, what happened to your rad hair, man? That cut was rockin!
Chris: The guys in my college dorm made fun of it, so I got a fade.

For real? Don, Joel, and Marcie always thought it was so cool.
None of them went to my college.

So what are you up to these days?
Well, after college my dad got me a spot in a career placement program and I started working for Immigration. So that takes up most of my time. Some of them are really sneaky, you have to do a lot of digging to root them out.

What about your personal life? I see a pair of water wings over there by the jet skis. You a family man now?
Yeah, after fifteen years of trying to convince Marcie to change her views on marriage, I realized I was the last guy in my fantasy hockey pool without a wife. So we broke up and I found Kate online two years ago. Got a third kid on the way now which is good because my mom’s not disappointed in me anymore.

Wow, true love can come to us in strange ways, huh?
Uh, sure.

So let’s talk punk. In this increasingly polarized political world, punk culture is experiencing a revival. As a senior punk, are you excited to see so many young people taking radical action against capitalist imperialism, making anarchist collectives mainstream, and creating viable alternatives to submitting to the white supremacist patriarchy?
Yeah I don’t know about any of that. Do you want to see my electric guitar? It still has all the original strings.

Hell yeah!

Okay in retrospect there were a few things here and there that we maybe should have called Chris out on or at least have held his feet to the fire about, but what can we say? We were just super stoked that Chris was hanging out with us. I mean, Chris for God’s sake! What a blast. Anyway, check back next week when we interview your high school’s biggest goth girl about her church’s bake sale.

Pavement Fan Announces Plans to Discuss Nothing but Pavement Until 2022 Tour

Posted on by Dianne Nora

CHICAGO — Derek Douglas, a fan of the indie rock band Pavement since the early 90s, announced his plans this week to discuss nothing but Pavement until the band’s upcoming tour in 2022, which was also announced earlier this week.

“It’s my great pleasure, at long last, to officially announce the only topic I plan on discussing for the next eight months will be the upcoming reunion tour of the single greatest American rock band to ever grace this planet,” Douglas told his girlfriend, who was tuning him out while playing Candy Crush on her phone. “Discussions will include the band’s rich history and founding, their five studio albums, the twelve EPs, and of course my own commentary on how their music made me the man I am today. Reservations for these discussions will begin Thursday, and can be made by texting me or messaging me on Instagram.”

Friends of Douglas say they had anticipated such an announcement as soon as they heard news of the band’s upcoming tour.

“I hadn’t heard from Derek in at least a year, but I knew as soon as I saw the headline in Pitchfork that I’d probably hear from him soon,” reported Tom Clybourne, a friend of Douglas’s since high school. “He knows I’m a Smashing Pumpkins fan, so he called me up just to say how much Billy Corgan sucks, and that Pavement were better. He told me his plan to talk about Pavement non-stop until the tour, which didn’t really surprise me, because that’s pretty much all he talks about already.”

Faizah Hogan, an anthropologist who studies intense fandoms, explained the effects that a band breaking up can have on the psyches of fans like Douglas.

“Long periods of dormancy, in which no new albums are released and no shows are happening, can lead to repression and other forms of sublimation as a coping mechanism for devoted fans,” Hogan says, citing her years of extensive research on Pavement devotees. “Sometimes we liken fandom such as this to ‘cult status,’ but the term is really quite accurate: the sense of self is based entirely around the object of fixation. It may be that some fans haven’t had an original thought since the group first disbanded in 1999.”

At press time, Douglas was addressing Pavement’s appearance on “Space Ghost Coast to Coast” with someone who had called him in an attempt to sell him a new warranty on his vehicle.\\

Photo by Masao Nagasaki

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