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Pavement Fan Announces Plans to Discuss Nothing but Pavement Until 2022 Tour

CHICAGO — Derek Douglas, a fan of the indie rock band Pavement since the early 90s, announced his plans this week to discuss nothing but Pavement until the band’s upcoming tour in 2022, which was also announced earlier this week.

“It’s my great pleasure, at long last, to officially announce the only topic I plan on discussing for the next eight months will be the upcoming reunion tour of the single greatest American rock band to ever grace this planet,” Douglas told his girlfriend, who was tuning him out while playing Candy Crush on her phone. “Discussions will include the band’s rich history and founding, their five studio albums, the twelve EPs, and of course my own commentary on how their music made me the man I am today. Reservations for these discussions will begin Thursday, and can be made by texting me or messaging me on Instagram.”

Friends of Douglas say they had anticipated such an announcement as soon as they heard news of the band’s upcoming tour.

“I hadn’t heard from Derek in at least a year, but I knew as soon as I saw the headline in Pitchfork that I’d probably hear from him soon,” reported Tom Clybourne, a friend of Douglas’s since high school. “He knows I’m a Smashing Pumpkins fan, so he called me up just to say how much Billy Corgan sucks, and that Pavement were better. He told me his plan to talk about Pavement non-stop until the tour, which didn’t really surprise me, because that’s pretty much all he talks about already.”

Faizah Hogan, an anthropologist who studies intense fandoms, explained the effects that a band breaking up can have on the psyches of fans like Douglas.

“Long periods of dormancy, in which no new albums are released and no shows are happening, can lead to repression and other forms of sublimation as a coping mechanism for devoted fans,” Hogan says, citing her years of extensive research on Pavement devotees. “Sometimes we liken fandom such as this to ‘cult status,’ but the term is really quite accurate: the sense of self is based entirely around the object of fixation. It may be that some fans haven’t had an original thought since the group first disbanded in 1999.”

At press time, Douglas was addressing Pavement’s appearance on “Space Ghost Coast to Coast” with someone who had called him in an attempt to sell him a new warranty on his vehicle.\\

Photo by Masao Nagasaki